Regret

July 11, 2010


“What is the most regrettable moment in your life?” A girl with long dark silky hair reached for the bottle that was laid on the floor, exposing her olive skin tone. She signified beauty with her strong and beautiful facial features. “Everyone should be honest,” she spun the bottle, the tip of it pointing at the girls that were circled around it. Yuri-Tiffany-Jessica-Seohyun-Sunye-Sohee-Dara-Gyuri-Hyoyeon-Yoona was the order they were seated in a circle.


They were bored in Yuri’s house that they just decided on playing the game. Everyone wanted to play but one, “Why do we have to play this stupid game?” The ash blonde girl asked the female that spun the bottle but she was completely ignored. “Yuri!” She exclaimed. Everyone looked at her direction and as soon as they did, the bottle stopped, pointing at Yuri.


The blonde raised her brow, mocking Yuri in a playful way. "Your turn." She smirked.


Yuri snorted, "I can't answer my own question." She was bantering back with a grin on her face.


"Yuri-ah! You can’t do that! We are playing! Don’t act all bossy!” Yoona, Yuri's lover, countered.  


Yuri was weak against Yoona. So she decided to surrender, "Fine. I'll answer it. But to be fair everyone should, too."


Everyone agreed but Jessica didn't want to be included in that stupid game. She didn't see the point of having to play the game to begin with. She was honest. They only needed to ask her anything. She was willing to share anything about her life. Jessica remained quiet, trying to ignore the whole group.


“No lying.” Gyuri, a goddess-like beauty with her long locks of hair and porcelain toned skin, warned everyone. "Yuri, you start."


"I regret not being with Yoona most of the time." She said nonchalantly with a proud smile on her face. She then reached for Yoona’s hand and then intertwined their fingers. Their sweetness brought back to Jessica tiny memories causing her heart to tighten.


“It’s Tiffany’s turn.” Yuri said.


“Well,” Tiffany started, she was cautious of how her words might affect Jessica but she needed to play the game. “I regret…” She looked at Jessica in the eye, Jessica’s gaze met hers but Jessica wasn’t in her right state of mind. She was thinking of all those memories that she treasured. It was as if Tiffany was looking at a lifeless doll’s eyes.


“I confessed to someone and I was sure that I loved her but everything was confusing that I ended up cheating on that person. I abandoned her.” She was looking at Jessica in the eye, trying to pass on the message but Jessica’s thoughts were clouded that she couldn’t even concentrate on what was happening around her.


She only comprehended a couple of words out of all of Tiffany’s jargon.


Confessed.


Loved.


Abandoned. 


“Jessica!” Yuri bellowed, bursting Jessica’s bubble.


“Uhmmm...” Jessica started quickly but stopped the moment painful memories came rushing at her.


“Regret?” Gyuri reminded her of the topic.


“Skip me. I’ll just go to the bathroom first.” She stood up in a hurry, not giving the girls a chance to complain and the girls knew better. They let her be. They were sure that Jessica would be honest with them since she never lied. In most cases that was. Jessica was a lot of things but being a liar was never part of her.


“Hurry.” Tiffany said with a worried expression. She didn’t mean to make things awkward for Jessica but she wanted Jessica to know that she regretted her actions.


Jessica walked in the bathroom and headed straight to the vanity mirror, both of her palms were rested on top of the sink. She looked at her reflection, thinking deeply of her biggest regret.


Confessed.


Loved.


Abandoned.


Those words kept on repeating in Jessica’s mind.


“Regret?” She recalled.


There was only one.






Jessica and Taeyeon were in the library since they had their last exam that afternoon. And majority of the students were actually in classrooms or other social halls, leaving the library abandoned. Jessica was staring at Taeyeon who was seated across her, “Tae?” She called for the petite girl; her hair was tied in a ponytail.


“Hmmm?” The girl murmured as she was still skimming her textbook; it was something Jessica expected from a valedictorian. “You don’t understand something?” She asked the blonde but her eyes were still fixed on her textbook.


“No. I get it." Jessica wanted to say something else but she wasn’t sure if it was the right time. Jessica just got her heart broken and Taeyeon was there to foster her. She never left Jessica’s side and was utterly supporting Jessica the whole time. She wanted to confess to Taeyeon and tell her that she loves her. That she was completely hopeless in front of Taeyeon. That she had fallen head over heels for the girl.


Even though that she was confident about loving Taeyeon, Jessica hesitated. Taeyeon became the very reason of why Jessica would look forward to waking up every morning. She was the reason that Jessica’s heart wasn’t as broken as it should be. In fact, Jessica was hopeless when her relationship ended with the girl she loved. But Taeyeon kept her going. She visited Jessica everyday to make sure that Jessica had taken her meals. She made sure that Jessica had slept. And eventually, made sure that Jessica’s heart was whole again.


Jessica just sat there, silently looking at her surroundings. In times like these, Jessica would usually cling to Taeyeon but today was different.


“Is something bothering you?” The petite girl asked the blonde causing the latter to jolt high. She was in her inner bubble that burst the moment Taeyeon spoke.


“Huh?” Jessica tried to act collected but was confused about Taeyeon’s question.


She moved her gaze from the book to Jessica, looking the blonde in the eyes, “Something’s wrong.” Taeyeon was worried that Jessica hadn’t been acting like herself, “Jessica, if she’s still in your mi---“


“No!” Jessica cut her off before she could even finish the sentence. Jessica knew where it would lead to. It would be about her again. “Tae, I’m over her.” Jessica said confidently.


“You’re just different for some reason.” Her words were hinted with worry.


“Don’t worry.” Jessica flashed a smile.


“Okay, I believe you.” She looked at Jessica, “I’m always here.” She reminded her again like those times whenever Taeyeon felt like something was bothering Jessica.


“I know.”


They were both Just staring at their textbooks, one was actually studying and the other was still busy with her inner battles on whether to tell Taeyeon or not.


Someone tapped Jessica’s shoulder that made Jessica jump off of her seat, her thigh hit the table. Thud. Jessica’s hand instantly rubbed the reddened spot. “Oww!” She cried.



“Are you okay?” Taeyeon asked Jessica.


“Yeah...” But her pained expression showed the opposite.


“Jessica.” Jessica knew instantly whose voice it was. It was Yuri’s. She leaned forward, inches away from Jessica’s ears. “You’re too slow. She’s right there.” Yuri nodded once to Taeyeon’s direction. Jessica just looked back and shot her a glare while still rubbing her thigh.


Yuri flashed an innocent smile, “Hi Taeyeon. Do you have an answer yet?”


“Hi Yuri.” Taeyeon just laughed but before she could say anymore, Jessica whispered something to Yuri.


“I’ll catch you guys later.” Yuri bid the girls.


“What answer was she talking about? Is she bugging you?” Jessica was curious.


“It’s just that Yuri and Gyuri have been asking me bizarre questions... like my ideal type and whatnot.” She paused, trying to explain what was in her mind. “But now that I think about it, I hardly talk to the girls. It’s weird, isn’t it?”


Jessica’s heart palpitated. Jessica told her friends about her growing feelings towards Taeyeon. She was never the love-expert so she needs coaching from time to time. Especially that she just got out of a relationship. A relationship that shattered her heart into pieces... but was made whole by Taeyeon again. The care and tenderness Taeyeon showed Jessica made it possible.


“Don’t you think it’s odd?” Taeyeon asked Jessica who turned completely cold and pale. “Think about it, the first thing we’ve talked about was my ideal person. That’s just weird.”


“Uhhh.” Was the only thing that escaped from Jessica’s mouth. She didn’t want her friends to meddle. She told them about her feelings so that she would have an outlet but not a safety net. That would be the last thing Jessica wanted, a safety net. She would never confess to someone just because she’s sure of that person’s feelings. It would not be as sincere and pure.


Jessica looked at the girl. She was now gazing at her textbook. Again. “Taeyeon.” Jessica called. She gathered up all the courage, swallowing her pride. “I like you.” Jessica’s words made Taeyeon look at her in surprise. “Like is an understatement. I like you, like you. Like... like like.” She shut her eyes and shook her head, in hopes of clearing her clouded mind. “Oh god. Our professor would kill me with that grammar. But Taeyeon, I really really like you.”


Taeyeon nonchalantly smiled, “I like you, too.”


“No. Not that.” Jessica held Taeyeon’s gaze with hers. “I have fallen in love with you. I know it seems sudden but you became the very reason I am here. That I’m whole. You make my days brighter.”


Taeyeon took in a deep breath, “You became the very reason I look forward to the mornings.” She smiled, flashing her set of perfect white teeth, “I’ve fallen for you. I just don’t think it was the right time since...” Taeyeon knew better than to mention Jessica’s past and so she avoided the subject. She didn’t want to ruin that magnificent moment.


Jessica shook her head in disagreement but she had a proud smile on, “I am in love with you now.”


“Are you sure?” She asked as Jessica stood up from her chair and walked towards her.


Jessica grabbed Taeyeon by the hand, making Taeyeon stand up. Jessica slid her hand around Taeyeon’s waist, pulling her forward for a tight hug. “If it's with you, I'm positive.” 






“For a girl claiming that she never lies, you sure are one big fat liar.” Jessica mocked herself in front of the mirror. She fisted her hands in anger. Anger that was directed at herself.






“Jessica!” Taeyeon called from the classroom door, they were both early for class. “Gyuri bullied me! She pinched my arm.” She jogged cutely towards Jessica.


Jessica looked at the red mark on Taeyeon’s arm, rubbing it with her thumb. “You got a  oo?” Taeyeon nodded adorably that Jessica couldn’t help but hug the girl. “How can I make it feel better?”


Taeyeon’s lips curved upward but were still hiding her perfect set of teeth. She looked at Jessica in the eye, “Kiss me?” After she spoke the words, Taeyeon’s teeth were shown. Her charm was unavoidable that the only thing that Jessica could do was to subject, landing her soft lips on Taeyeon’s. It was soft but filled with sweetness. With these two, a zealous kiss wasn’t needed to see the passion of their love. It was just written all over them.


“Jessica, you’ll never hurt me, right?” The latter asked as she was still wrapped around Jessica’s arms.


Jessica leaned back, having a better view of Taeyeon. “You think I would?”


Taeyeon shrugged, “You might want to.”


Jessica pouted and pinched Taeyeon’s nose, “Taetae thinks I’m going to hurt her.”


She’s really cute, Taeyeon thought.


“Tae,” Jessica’s call was suave, shifting the atmosphere from fun and cute to a serious one. “I would never dare to hurt you. That would be the last thing I would want to happen.” She finished her sentence then leaned forward, landing a sweet kiss on the latter’s lips. 





Jessica didn’t realize that there were tears forming in her eyes. She was caught up in the moment. Usually, she would wipe them dry right away but not this time. She was still pondering about the biggest mistake that she had committed.


She blinked her eyes, causing the tears to roll down her cheeks as she finally noticed that she was crying. She turned the faucet and reached for the water, gathering it in her cupped hands. She splashed the water on her face to ‘refresh’ herself but it wasn’t really the reason on why she did that. It was a cover up like always. She covered her tears whenever they start flowing. It made her believe that she was strong... a little stronger than what she really was. But even with the bullets of water on her face, tears were still noticeable. They were standing out, shamelessly running down her cheeks.


“Why? Why did I have to be so stupid?” She mumbled to herself. Jessica’s chest tightened, her breathing became heavy.


The days of pretense were completely over. She was breaking down in that cramped room. But that was what she needed the most, something secluded. She had been aware that she made a mistake but she never wanted to confront herself. But at that moment she decided that she needed to take everything out and never hold anything in.


To forget about Taeyeon but she couldn’t.



“Don’t you think...” Yuri started as she and Jessica were seated across each other, waiting for their best friend Gyuri. They have been waiting for more than thirty minutes inside Starbucks but Gyuri was always late that the two were already used to Gyuri’s failed punctuality.


“What?” Jessica asked as she the whip cream off of her straw.


Yuri was hesitant, she didn’t want to bring up the subject but she needed to. She felt like her best friend needed to know about her opinion, “Don’t you think...”


“What?!” Jessica shook her head once to show her impatience.


“Well, don’t you think you just mistook…” Yuri didn’t know how to bring this up to Jessica but she continued, “You mistook love for friendship?”


Jessica scowled in confusion, “What do you mean?"


“Uhhhh...” Yuri tried to come up with the best words to express herself. “Taeyeon was there to shed light when you needed someone... when Tiffany cheated on you. Don’t you think you just held on to Taeyeon just because she ‘saved’ you in a way? You’re totally different when you’re with Taeyeon. Think about it Jessica, you treated your past lovers differently. Did you ever act shy around Taeyeon? Did you ever have those awkward moments with her?” Yuri paused for air, “You loved Tiffany so much but you were never that way whenever you’re with Taeyeon. Tiffany made things awkward. It took time for you to be comfortable around Tiffany but with Taeyeon, she’s different. You and her just ‘clicked’ it right away. You treat Taeyeon like how you treat Gyuri and me. Like a best friend that you can hold on to.”


Jessica took a sip of her caramel frappuccino. “I love her.” She said and continued, “Plus, I would never date you or Gyuri. That’s plain disgusting. Like .”


Yuri nodded in reverence to Jessica’s answer and also ignoring the remark. “I might be wrong then. Just think though. She’s a nice girl. I don’t want you to use her like that. It’s mostly because... I don’t want both of you to end up hurt. Is your love really enough?” Yuri’s mobile phone rang, “Oh, I need to get this. It’s Yoona.”


Jessica smiled and nodded as Yuri stood up to go to a more private place. Jessica’s smile was a facade. She didn’t know how to react. 


Why would she think that? Jessica’s mind was easily manipulated by small things or small opinions and ended up over thinking things.


“What did I miss?” Gyuri sat beside Jessica, “Where’s Yuri?” She asked Jessica but she was ignored. She knew to never bother Jessica whenever she was thinking.


Am I really just using Taeyeon?

 

****

Jessica was on the driver’s seat inside her car while Teayeon was seated beside her on the passenger’s seat. Jessica slowly stepped on the brake as they were reaching Teayeon’s house.


Jessica had been silent for the whole car ride. She didn’t turn on the radio or even speak with Taeyeon. She would usually grab Taeyeon’s hand even when she was driving but she didn’t that day or the day before that.


“Is something the matter?” Taeyeon unbuckled herself and leaned on the door to have a better view of Jessica. Taeyeon’s very sharp when it comes to matters involving Jessica. If something was bothering Jessica, she would know. She noticed everything about Jessica. She just loved her too much that her observations on Jessica were more accurate than most people.


Jessica’s eyes were tired, “I just feel like...” She tried to search for the best words but nothing popped in her mind. Her feelings were something unexplainable. It was a very confusing situation for Jessica. “Blahhh.” She let out a sigh. “I’ve been... blaaah for the past couple of days... thinking.” Jessica was honest. Even though she couldn’t find the right words to explain what she was feeling, her character would never allow her to lie. She just couldn’t.


“What about?” The concern in Taeyeon’s voice was visible.


Jessica let out another sigh, “Uhmmm...” She started but chaos took over her mind, she decided to be honest but she couldn’t bring herself to honestly tell Taeyeon about her dilemma. She wanted to but she didn’t want to hurt Taeyeon. The person who made her whole. The person who made her waking moments brighter... but somehow she wasn’t contented with the relationship they both had. It wasn’t because she didn’t love Taeyeon. She did. She loved her as much as her heart can but, “Taeyeon,” Taeyeon just looked at her, waiting for an explanation. “Let’s just be friends.” She gulped the very moment she finished her sentence.


Taeyeon’s lips remained shut, stunned by Jessica's words. Jessica had spoken but as soon as the message sank in, her heart dropped. It was shattered. “Why?” It was a mere whisper. Something unknown was building up in , stopping words from coming out.


“I love you...” Jessica began but was cut off by Taeyeon’s question.


“Then why?”


Jessica looked scared, not scared of what Taeyeon might do to her but was scared that she might have broken Taeyeon to pieces. But she needed to explain further, to explain her decision. “I don’t want to be unfair to you. When I confessed to you, I was sure. I know I love you but is my love enough? You put me back to pieces but...”


“But you were never whole when you confessed to me?” Taeyeon’s words pierced Jessica’s heart but it was true. She couldn’t deny it. It was something that she needed to explain. She owed Taeyeon at least an explanation.


“I loved Tiffany with all of me. I loved her and I love you.” Jessica took in deep breaths, trying to stop herself from crying. She wouldn’t show Taeyeon that weak side of her. She wouldn’t show it again. Ever. “I love you but not as much as I have loved her. I don’t want to lie to you. You know that. If---“ Jessica stopped as she saw Taeyeon smile.


Taeyeon shook her head, “No. I understand.”


“Y-you d-”


“You don’t have to force something, Jessica. I wouldn’t want you to stay in a relationship with me just because you don’t want to hurt me. I’m actually happy that you told me.” She said as she reached for the door handle, pulling it open. “We should be friends.”


Before Jessica could even process the things that Taeyeon spoke, Taeyeon was already out of the car. She was walking towards the front door. Jessica felt relieved that she didn’t have to lie to Taeyeon. She didn’t have to think and feel guilty. She could fully build her heart by herself and give it to Taeyeon when she was ready again.


Each step Taeyeon took towards her house was heavy. Each one had a tear or two falling down from her eyes. She couldn’t help it... she wanted to show Jessica that she was fine with it. That she understood. That they could be friends. Just friends. But that wasn’t what she truly wanted. She wanted Jessica to stay by her. She wanted Jessica to see her. She wanted Jessica to give her whole heart to her. But Jessica’s heart was broken to begin with.


What could Jessica truly give her with that broken heart?


Taeyeon mended it but it wasn’t enough.


“I’m sorry. I’ll love you with all of me someday.” Jessica said as she looked at Taeyeon’s back, walking away from her. She couldn’t run after her and tell her everything will be alright. She didn’t have the strength to have someone in her heart because it was non-existent. 




Jessica wiped her face dry with a towel. She looked at her reflection in the mirror to see if the redness of her eyes and the puffiness of her circles were visible. It was a little. “Stupid.” She mumbled, mocking herself again.


“Once you step out of this room. Forget about her. She had moved on.” She shut her eyes, took a deep breath and fanned herself with her right hand. It was warm in the bathroom since there was no ventilation. She used both of her hands to fan herself and thought, once I step out of this room. I shall forget about her. I let go of someone very important that I must suffer the consequences.


She twisted the doorknob and stepped out of that suffocating space. But even with fresh air brushing against her, it didn't make any difference. She was still suffocating. It wasn't the cramped space that made breathing harder but each time she thinks about her mistake, pain takes over her chest for having insufficient air. She took in another deep breath, hoping that it would make things a little better for her but it didn't.


“Okay,” she called for everyone’s attention as she was back in Yuri’s living room. “My turn?” She was looking down the whole time, avoiding people’s gazes and for preventing them to notice her eyes. Or was it her pride that overtook her?


“Jessi?” Tiffany, the person who broke Jessica’s heart to millions of pieces but it didn’t affect her anymore, called. She had moved on. “What’s your biggest regret?” Tiffany felt like Jessica would include her there. As a regret. But Jessica never thought of it that way. Even though Tiffany cheated on her, they were completely civil with each other. Jessica was forgiving but she was stupid to let go of that one person who truly loved her.


Jessica recalled the memories, the pain that she had caused Taeyeon. Nothing could help Jessica move on when everything reminded her of Taeyeon. Of how Taeyeon became her life. But it's too late now.


“April 11, 2010. I made the stupidest mistake of my life. I made the mistake of not loving someone with all that I am... all that I have. But during those times, I had nothing. I had nothing to give. I regret not loving her  with all of my heart because I know...” She faked a smile, “I know that we will never be... that I’ve lost the only chance to prove to her that I love her. That I could love her with all of me... but I’m too late now. I regret that I’ve lost the only person worth living for just because I wasn’t ready to truly love her then. I’ve lost Taeyeon... because I didn’t take the chance. A chance to keep her in my heart. Because I didn’t have the  heart.” She looked at her friends with a smile that caused her pain. Having to pretend that everything was perfectly fine was agonizing her, creating daggers that pierced her already broken heart every time. “And that’s my only regret.”


I was broken and Taeyeon was there to comfort me and hold me together. She was there in my most miserable moments... but were those moments really my most miserable?


Living without Taeyeon by my side is more painful but I didn’t think of it that way before I made that decision. I thought we could be friends and be contented about it.


How could I even think that we were fine?


How could I even think that Taeyeon is going to be fine?


I broke Taeyeon.


Every morning, I wake up with that constant realization that I let go of the most beautiful thing that ever happened in my life.


I wish I could be that person to give her strength and love. But it is too late now. I've lost the chance to have her by her side. I must suffer the consequences of loving her endlessly from a distance while wishing she finds someone better and will never dare to hurt her. Someone who could treasure her more than anything or anyone in this world. Anyone but me.



____________________________________________________

The sequel story is NO OTHER. :) I'm not familiar how AsianFanfic works, so just check all my works for the sequel.

Check out my other works as well. :) Comments? Concerns? Make me feel welcomed here! I'm new to the AFF community! :>

This fanfic is inspired by an anonymous’ question in formspring. Thank you for the person who asked me there. If you have questions, ask me there, too!

most regrettable moment of your life?

uhmmm... for not realizing something that I should've before making a decision that I completely regret until today. For not being fair. For being stupid. That's the only thing I regret.