(..still Hyunseung's POV :D )

And that’s how it happened. I avoided everyone that evening, nobody really noticing or complaining since it was kinda normal behavior in my case. I went straight to bed, covering myself with the blanket fully and just wishing to fall into a coma and never wake up again. I knew I had to face you, but I just couldn’t now.

The following days went by in a blur of schedules, events and recordings. I was closed up in my own world more than before, trying to will away everything that happened, not really talking to anyone much and always being careful not to stay alone with you. I just felt this incredible guilt in my gut and it was eating me alive.

*

As I stir from my sleep one morning, the first thing I see is Junhyung’s face staring at me in the dark of our bedroom. My eyes immediately go wide and I’m just dumbly blinking back at him.

“We need to talk.” He whispers and I can see his sharp gaze again, “Not now, later. Now get up, we have schedules.” He crawls out of the bunk bed and the room goes bright with light, I huff and hide under the blanket but get up right after Doojoon yells from the kitchen. I don’t want to face this day, oh please no…

Somehow everything today helps me forget the mess I am in, but only until the moment Junhyung approaches me again, shortly after we arrive back at Cube. He grabs me by my hand and starts pulling me away somewhere.

“Junhyung, what… aaah slow down!” He’s not listening to me, and why does it look like he’s angry? The others were nowhere around us and I wonder if I just haven’t noticed them leaving… or were they even here in the first place? Am I really that 4D?!

He pulls us inside the recording studio, shuts the door and leads me by the arm further into the soundproof room. He shuts the door again and finally sighs in relief and I can see that he wasn’t angry but just afraid. Instantly my fear softens too, because I finally realize I’m not alone in all of this. All those previous days I felt so guilty, filthy and unworthy.  Now I can see that he’s as troubled as I am.

But I still don’t know what he wants to tell me now, so I am nervous as hell once again. It doesn’t help that my stomach is doing those strange flips too, that his hair is slightly mussed and he has still make up and eyeliner on and it makes him even more gorgeous… .

 I am afraid to speak first so I’m waiting for him to start. He somehow regains his cool and checks the studio with one glance just to make sure we are alone. Then he turns back to me and looks me straight in the eye. For a while he’s just looking at me and I start biting my lips in a nervous manner. He steps closer to me and his expression softens as well as his stare.

“You know I care about you, Hyunseung, right?” he starts softly and puts his hand gently on my shoulder, sending shivers down my arm. I nod as a response to his question.

“You need to tell me what happened and why it happened. I want you to be honest with me, Seung.” His face is serious and I can see the questions and confusion in his eyes. I sigh and break the eye contact to look down but I’m not really seeing anything there, my mind is wandering again to that night. I need to tell him now, he deserves it… no more hiding. And most of all, I have to be honest with myself.

“I wasn’t planning on doing anything like this. Ever. Because I cherish you and Yoseob very much. But what you said back there… it was too much for me to handle and I couldn’t stop myself.” Finally I look up to him again only to see sadness in those beautiful eyes.

“I think my present self has a crush on you, Junhyung.” My lips and tongue formed the sentence before I could even stop them and now it is out, and it kind of fell into place with our whole situation. The past is blending into the present, but this time the tables are turned.  He’s not saying anything, only his eyes are overflowing with this sorrow and pain. I can’t stand seeing him like this, it hurts me again. Without even noticing, a silent tear is rolling down my face.

“I’m so sorry… so sorry…” And I start fully crying, hiding my face in my hands. Within seconds I’m being pulled into a strong hug and his scent hits hard into my nostrils. I grip Jun’s jacket with one hand and bury my head in his shoulder.

“Don’t be sorry, Seungie, please don’t cry. It’s not your fault, shhh… please.” I hear him whisper into my ear, my hair gently and my back with his other hand. Junhyung’s voice is laced with pain, and it breaks my heart all over again. I calm down a bit after a while and look up at him but refuse to let go from his embrace… I just can’t get away from him anymore. I’m tired of running away…

Junhyung looks down at me, worry written all over his sweet features. He my cheeks with his thumb, drying my tears and caressing me at the same time.

“It’s not a crime to like someone, Seungie. Don’t feel guilty.” But then he frowns and bites his bottom lip.

“And just like you were honest with me a while ago, I have to be honest too. I like you, I always did. But the reason why I never said anything to you is that I was always so afraid to approach you. You were aiming for your dream, working hard every day and focusing on your career…it didn’t feel right for me to burden you, especially when I knew you didn’t feel the same. So I slowly distanced myself from you and tried hard to get over you. I used to be really down all the time, you never noticed that… but Yoseob did.” He stops for a moment and looks away. This didn’t need any further explanation, I got it very well. So that’s how all of it happened back then… I can see now how blind I really was. I let out a deep sigh and my forehead falls again on his shoulder.

“But as much I love Yoseob and it’s been a few years since then… I never really got over you completely. Some of your smiles, touches, laughs…it all gets to me, it doesn’t hurt as much as before, but still… it brings affection to my heart.” He’s slowly my red hair again, and I want to stay like this forever. It hurts me to hear those words but it makes my heart flutter at the same time. I tighten my grip on Junhyung’s jacket and snuggle closer to him, looking for some kind of comfort, and luckily he’s not refusing it to me. But he and I know that we need to solve this, to give it some conclusion, so I detach myself slowly and unwillingly from his embrace so I can look at him properly.

“What are we gonna do now?” I ask calmly, there’s no need for panic and rush. We are already both grownups. He sighs heavily and puts his hands on my shoulders, probably thinking hard because his eyes are wandering for a while before answering me.

“Well, I don’t want to cheat on Seobbie… He doesn’t deserve that, he’s been so good to me all this time.” I only nod at this because I feel the same; I love my friend to death.

“But what happened now brought old feelings and hopes again… and also a want to be with you too...” Oh, this hurt actually a lot now… “I am really confused, I don’t want to hurt anyone and I also don’t want to throw away such a long relationship… I’m torn right now.” Junhyung covers his face with one hand and then rubs his forehead out of frustration.

“Jun…” I start nervously… it’s not gonna be easy to say this. “I want you to be happy, if you are happy with Yoseob and have been all this time… then stay with him. I want you both happy.” My heart is breaking again even when I thought it couldn’t be more broken then it already was, but I can endure pain, I experienced a lot of it in my life.

“Seung….” Junhyung whispers and his eyes are suddenly teary. Oh, God no… no no, just not this! I hug him quickly and continue talking to calm him and myself down. Guys like him shouldn’t cry… Junhyung shouldn’t cry.

“Please, it’s gonna be okay, don’t worry, Jun. I am gonna be okay, you will too, and Seobbie the most.” I start his hair and he buries his face in my neck. “Some people would say that we should be selfish, but in all honesty, I don’t know how to be like that… not in this matter.” I’m talking too much, I know it but it’s a vain attempt to make it appear like this isn’t a big deal… “It’s just a stupid crush, let’s not make anything more of it than it is…” At this point I don’t even know what I’m talking about, but his next quiet words stop me and I think I forgot how to breathe, not to mention live…

“But it’s not a stupid crush for me, it never was… I can’t let it go just like this...” he whispers into my neck, rubbing his nose slightly on my skin. “How can I give up now? After all of that I went through... now that I have a chance to be with you…” His heart-shaped lips ghost over my cheek as he speaks and raises his head in the process. He’s so close now, his gaze longing. I’ve never seen him like this, so vulnerable and fragile.

“No, Seung... I can’t let it disappear like it never happened because it is happening and I always wanted it to happen!” He starts to sound desperate and I get a hold of his face with both hands, despite his words and how cruel all this is, I am slightly smiling.

God, I am falling even deeper and harder for this man.

Again I can feel our hearts beating against each other, fast and in sync. I’m gently his face, putting our foreheads together and trying to even my breathing enough that I can talk. “Jun… I’m so sorry it took me so long, and everything is so complicated now.” I knit my eyebrows for a moment and peck his lips shortly, I couldn’t resist anymore. “I’m sorry I’ve put you through all of this… I really had no idea. And I’m also sorry I’m so difficult and always making everything a mess.” I’m starting to ramble again, I know. He shushes me and kisses me shortly, but with so much emotion even in this short kiss that my knees almost give out underneath me.

“I wouldn’t want you any different, Seung.” He smiles then and my cheek with his fingers. Junhyung pauses for a bit before talking again and just stares at me with affection. I feel like melting right here and now.

“Once, when I was already sure I don’t have a chance with you back then, I made a promise to myself, that I will wait for you no matter what because I just felt that we belong together. I don’t know why but I just knew that the time will come and you would love me back one day. And that day finally came… and I couldn’t be happier.” His full smile after those words made me explode inside, I literally feel like my whole being is a star that exploded and is now shining like a whole galaxy.  I am not able to form any coherent response right now, so the only thing that comes to my mind is kissing him, and so I do. I put into that kiss everything that is in me right now, and he’s kissing me right back. It’s now in the present, no past and no pretending, it’s our present selves who are currently kissing like there’s no tomorrow.

We pull away after a while, both panting heavily and smiling like idiots. He my face once more and kisses me on the forehead before pulling himself away slightly. I immediately miss his warmth and the contact but I know he’s doing this to calm himself down, it’s obvious and love every bit of it.

“I will tell Seob, don’t worry.” He sits down on one of the chairs in the room, visibly in a need to do so after all of this. I move next to him and pull another chair to sit down. We’re now just two people who are sitting next to each other, deep in thought.

“He’s the only one who knew about my feelings all this time, after all. He also knows how strong they are… he will understand. He will maybe throw a fit but he will understand in the end.” Junhyung sighs, shrugs his shoulders and looks at me, reaching for my hand to lightly squeeze it.

“Let’s take it slow, Junhyung... let’s not rush anything, okay? It will be better for everyone…” I lay my head on his shoulder and he hums in agreement, kissing my red hair lightly.

We stay like this until Jun’s phone rings and our manager tells him to get back to the dorm because they’re looking for us everywhere.  We leave the studio but I tell Jun to go first, that I want to go to the dance room for a bit, I need it now. He just smiles and squeezes my hand again before leaving for the dorm. I walk to the dance room slowly, thinking about all of what happened just now, and I go inside. There’s some trainees’ practice going on and I just sit down on the floor next to the door. Some of them notice me and bow slightly and I smile back. The teacher greets me too and I do as well, but their class has to continue of course, and I don’t mind. It’s relaxing for me even just sitting here and watching them dance. There are a lot of errors and they are correcting them over and over again. I recall our trainee days too, how we were the same, trying our hardest and never slowing down.

I’m trying to remember Junhyung in my own memories, not from the videos and shows but how I saw him back then. He was always nice and caring to me. Joking around all the time, he’s the Joker after all. How come I never noticed his feelings towards me?

……And I suddenly remember, it’s like images blending into each other. The look he gave me back in the studio after he confessed, I remember it with the past Junhyung… only not so openly. I remember him smiling at me in this loving way, always helping me when I was exhausted, giving me his food, carrying me if I fell asleep, telling me how much I’m improving almost every day….. why have I always thought it was just out of friendliness???

I know why… because I never thought he liked guys this way until he started dating Yoseob. I always saw him with girls and I remember being quite shocked that he actually liked a guy.

Holy , this is really twisted. I let my head fall into my hands, shaking it in disbelief. Life is really crazy.

“Hyunseung, you okay?” The voice of our teacher wakes me up from my thoughts and I look up at him surprised, realizing the class has ended and the trainees are rushing out of the dance room.

“Oh, yeah yeah… actually, more than okay, I just needed a place to think and relax. Your classes are always the best to make everything make sense again.” I smile and bow at him while getting up from the floor. He laughs and pats me on the shoulder.

“Go to the dorm and sleep, Seungie. You need it. And thank you, you’re one of my favorite students after all.” He means it, I know that, but he never has liked the cheesy stuff. I laugh too, say my goodbye, and leave the room, going straight out of the building and catching a cab to our dorm.

~~~~~~~~~

drama on the way~~ XD