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I’m the loud type of girl.

 

I’m loud with my close friends and the things that come out of my mouth are funny and dirty jokes. I admit that I’m even ing on some handsome celebrities (I won’t mention their names) and sometimes, I spit some cusses whenever I feel like it.

My attitude and interests sometimes contradicts each other. Like how I like make-up, yet I think that boyish clothes are cooler than girly ones. I like sports, yet it bores me when I watch it. I’m weird and funny, yet I’m serious.

I’m an open-book, but sometimes I close it and just be mysterious.

 

I’m really friendly and talkative so I made a lot of friends around my school. You could say that I’m popular, but take note…

 

I’m only good in socializing around girls.

 

When guys are around, I’m an awkward turtle. Really awkward.

I don’t show my uneasiness, but it’s obvious that I don’t want to be there. They talk to me, I reply, and that’s that. One sentence with a one word reply, and then, silence. But the good thing is, I don’t stammer in front of them.

I guess it can’t be helped. Ever since I was a kid, I attended an all-girls private school. I’ve been there up to 8^th grade middle-school, and then my dad decided to transfer me to a co-ed one. At first I was mad because all my friends were there starting from Kindergarten, but I got over it.

In the first day of my 9^th grade in a co-ed middle school, I got along well with everyone. I made new friends and even the popular girls share their gossips with me.

But I was uncomfortable because the boys from my class were eyeing me and flirting with me.

 

As I said before, I’m awkward with guys.

 

Well, I was awkward with guys until Kyungsoo appeared.

Do Kyungsoo is in the honor roll; 3^rd place in our class to be exact. But he’s not really the example of a model-student. There’s a rebellious streak running on his blood, just like me. It’s ironic. We started acknowledging each other just because of a cleaning duty that we’re forced to do.

 

The two of us were receiving punishments for cutting classes. Of course, we didn’t cut classes together. We’re not even close at that time.

What can I say; I’m not really the epitome of a good student. We were tasked to clean the hallways of my huge- school as a punishment, so we did.

 

The whole time we were cleaning side-by-side, I didn’t speak a word to him. And he didn’t to me. There’s an awkward silence between the both of us, so I listened to my Ipod and started singing silently to myself while listening to the music and sweeping the floors.

I must’ve been singing quite loudly because he looked at me with his huge eyes and smiled a one-sided smile. It isn’t a flirty smile, it is a friendly smile. And I gotta admit, he looks charming.

 

I saw his mouth moving, indicating that he’s talking to me so I immediately yanked off my earphones.

“I’m sorry. What did you say?” I said and smiled awkwardly. I’m pretty sure my smile made me look like I’m constipated. But it can’t be helped, considering that I’m awkward around guys.

“I said you have a nice voice” he said sincerely.

I thanked him and felt flattered by his compliment. I love to sing but I sing just for fun, although I wouldn’t mind to be a professional singer. And Kyungsoo himself sings. He’s part of a school-band for pete’s sake! I receive a lot of compliments from others, but since I heard it from him, I can’t help but feel good.

 

He seems nice, so this time around, I defied the normal and tried to continue our conversation.

 

“You sing as well right?” I told him. “I love your voice actually. It’s sorta mellow-ish and you sing with feelings” I added.

He looked shocked and stared at me. I grew uncomfortable under his gaze so I asked. “What is it?”

He just shrugged his shoulders and chuckled. “Lol it’s nothing. It’s just that you are known as the pretty ahjumma around here in school y’know.” He said. “It’s not a bad thing though. It just means that you’re known for being awkward with guys and running off while talking to them”

 

“I’m a pretty ahjumma? Wow seriously? Who invented that name?” I continued sweeping the floors while wondering who came up with that nickname. Weird thing is, I hate it but I like it either. Kind of in between.

 

“Well, a lot of guys still like you though” he said and smiled. “I’m just surprised that you replied after saying thanks and you even complimented me. They know you for your one-word replies too and for not initiating the conversation right after.”

 

“Well, you’re actually the first guy I had a decent conversation with” I admitted. “With the exception of my 11 year old brother and my dad, of course”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah.” I said as I scratch my head. “All the guys here seem to flirt with me and you’re actually the first one who’s just being friendly.” I added and we both laughed.
 

I told him why I’m awkward around guys. I pretty much told him almost everything about me already. And in return, he told his. He’s fun to be with and we enjoyed each other’s company. We fooled and joked around each other. He even invited me to join the music club in school. And of course, I accept.

I went home that day feeling happy. It’s weird to feel happy when you got punished, but at least through that punishment, I made a new friend. And not just any friend…

 

It’s Do Kyungsoo.

 

We grew closer to each other as the days pass by. He made my awkwardness around guys disappear like a bubble.

We goof around in the classroom, eat together along with some of our friends during lunch, practice singing together, and walk home together because his house is close to mine.

 

People were asking us if we’re going out, and of course we deny it. My parents too were curious about the both of us. And sometimes…

 

…even I get fooled by our relationship.

 

Here’s the bad part of our friendship. Like any other chick-flicks and cheesy fan-fictions, a boy and a girl cannot be just ‘friends’.

No matter how hard you try not to, you’ll end up falling in love.

Sometimes, both of them fall for each other. Other times, it’s the guy who gets smitten.

But in this situation, it’s the girl who fell in love.

 

It’s me who got hit by cupid’s arrow.

 

It’s really weird, but he’s the FIRST guy-friend I ever had. Well, I had one when I was 5, but that doesn’t really count considering that I don’t even know anything about the world yet at that young age.

The problem is, I already saw it coming, but I didn’t do anything to avoid it.

 

Heck, his ideal type is soooo not me. He likes girls who wear nice and elegant clothes, modest and shy, and girls who don’t talk too much. Plus, girls who can cook.

I’m the complete opposite. And that’s why I’m getting stuck in the friend-zone.

 

Anyway, he’s the first guy that knocked me off my senses. It started off as a crush, a mere attraction that grew into something more as we got closer. I grew to like him. And now, I think the word ‘like’ is an understatement to my feelings. I think… No. I’m sure…

I’m sure ‘Love’ is the appropriate word.

 

I’m naïve because I’m still starting to fully grasp my hold on the word ‘romance’.

And by being naïve, I’ve done the most stupid thing ever.

 

I’m open about my feelings. I say it whenever and wherever. When I’m upset, I say it. When I’m happy, I admit it. When I’m angry, I rage out loud.

It’s because I believe that there’s no harm in expressing it.

 

That’s why when our middle-school graduation is a month away, I decided to confess my feelings. For all I know, we could be in a different high school after graduating and we may not be able to see each other anymore so I decided to take the risk.

At first, I was all up and confident. I thought ‘how hard could it be?’

But when we were walking home side by side after our dismissal in school, I got nervous. I stuttered and stammered and it’s a rare occasion for me to get tongue-tied.

I suddenly found it hard to breathe due to my nervousness and my heart was furiously beating.

 

But I didn’t give up.

 

“Yah, Kyungsoo” I said. I didn’t look at him. I just stared straight ahead and tried to not fiddle with my hair nor touch my face. It’s something I always do when I tend to get anxious, awkward, or nervous. And obviously, Kyungsoo knows it quite well.

 

“Yeah?” he replied and looked at me.

“Graduation is fast approaching right?” I said. I’m not really the type to get straight to the point so I tend to beat around the bush.

“And what about it?” he asked.

“We’re going to be in a different high school now” I frowned. “I’m going to be awkward around guys again”

It saddens me. Just the thought of him being on a different school makes me feel depressed… ugh.

“Don’t worry about it. I’m always here for you ok?” he chuckled lightly and ruffled my hair. My heart fluttered when he said that.

As usual, we joked around and tease each other for the fun of it. I decided to confess to him once my house is on sight so that if ever I get turned down, I’ll just run straight home and I won’t endure the terrible awkwardness that’s surely bound to happen. My nervousness began to fade a little halfway through our walk.

But then it came back and grew 10x stronger than before when we were near my house. To the point that I cannot listen to what he was saying because I was drowning on my own puddle of pee from my anxiousness.

 

But I can’t turn back now. I don’t care if he doesn’t like me back. I had to get this out of my system or else I’ll explode.

 

“And then, Jongin was about to go when----“

 

“Kyungsoo” I cut him off with his little story-telling. The sound of my voice was so serious that he immediately asked “What’s wrong?”

I, on the other hand, was a nervous wreck on the inside. I feel like my heart was about to burst. I stared straight ahead with a poker-face but unconsciously fiddled with my hair.

I can’t help it.

“Yah, Lee Mihyun, why are you fiddling with your hair again? Are you nervous? Why are you nervous?” he asked. Of course he noticed. He’s my best friend.

 

I must’ve been a complete wacko because I betrayed my nervousness and gathered up the courage to look at him and muster a constipated smile. The words slipped out of my mouth.

 

“Kyungsoo yah, I—I’m-L-love” I said rather shakily and heaved a heavy breath. “Saranghae”

 

I was too nervous and too anxious to wait for his reply so I ran off to my house when he was about to open his mouth to say something to me.

I have no plans to hear it. I don’t want to hear it. I know I’ll end up being heartbroken anyway.

 

 

---

 

 

The following days were completely normal.

It seems like my confession never happened and I’m actually happy because we didn’t get awkward. Kyungsoo and I never talk about anything related to our love-life anyway so the subject was easy to avoid and it really seems like nothing happened.

 

That is, until he brought that topic up one lunch time.

We were eating lunch at the rooftop together when he started speaking up.

“Mihyun” he stared at me and I stared back while eating the bulgogi from my lunch box.

“About your confession the other day,” he broke our eye contact and rubbed the back of his neck. I immediately grew stiff. My stupidity got the better of me and I kinda convinced myself that nothing happened. But then, it did happen. And he’s bringing it up now.

 

“Mihyun, I—“ he stopped talking as an unwanted big piece of meat entered his mouth rather forcefully. I shoved the food to his mouth before he could even speak.

I, myself, am surprised at my actions. My reflexes were fast. I guess that’s how badly I don’t want to hear anything about his reply.

 

---

 

 

Class is over again.

 

But instead of walking home with Kyungsoo, we stayed at school because of our club activities. I told him I would just put my books on my locker so he should go on first.

After putting my books on the locker, I went to the music club.

I was about to barge in when I heard some guys talking.

I peeked at the half closed doors and saw Kyungsoo, Jongin, Chanyeol, Wufan, Yixing and the other guy members of our club. They were talking rather loudly. Some bro stuff or whatever they call it.

 

“Our Kyungsoo is smitten~ yiee” Kai teased Kyungsoo and they all laughed except, well, Kyungsoo. I can’t see his face because his back was facing the door.

“What’s her name again?” Yixing smirked and looked at Kyungsoo smugly. “Oh! I know! It’s Mi----Unfhgfdaj” he didn’t continue because Kyungsoo’s hand immediately found its way to the blabbermouth.

 

“Her name is Byul okay?! Byul!!” Kyungsoo shouted rather defensively. “Now be quiet. She’s still here in the campus. She might hear us!”

 

It feels like a thousand slaps on the face.

 

No.

 

Something pricked me in my heart. My chest tightened and my face fell into a frown.

Ouch. Really.

I walked away from the room, grabbed my bag from the locker and proceeded to walk home. But for some obvious reason, I didn’t want to go home yet so I just walked around the streets aimlessly. I spotted a nearby convenience store and bought lots and lots of sweets.

They said that if you get heartbroken, the best remedy is to eat desserts, so I did.

I sat by a bench and ate all the chocolates while tears started to form.

 

Best friend.

 

Ugh. I’m so stupid. I’m crying mainly for two reasons.

1.       It’s because I’m stupid and

2.       Repeat number 1.

So disappointing.

It’s a good thing I didn’t let him continue what he was saying while we were on the rooftop. If he said it on my face that he likes Byul, who by the way is an 8^th grader, I wouldn’t be able to hide my disappointment and then it’ll become awkward… again.

I’m tired of being awkward.

I’m tired of being just ‘friends.’

I’m tired of Kyungsoo.

I’m just tired.

I give up.

When I ran out of sweets, I decided that it is now time to go home. It was dark already by that time. I checked my phone and found a lot of missed calls, voice mails, and text messages.

 

Few from my parents, but mostly from Kyungsoo.

 

I turned it off and walked home alone.

The streets were silent already and a chill ran down my spine from the eeriness.

I was silently walking, lost in my own thoughts, when a hand suddenly grabbed my shoulder and it made me jump up and let out a squeal in surprise.

 

I turned around and saw a tired Do Kyungsoo, panting heavily, trying hard to catch his breath.

“Mi-Mihyun”

I forcefully removed his grasp on my shoulder and once again,

 

I ran away from him.

 

to be continued...