Just Like Now

Even on cold nights, even on lonely nights
You were always there for me
But where are you now?

Leeteuk stared off into the distance on the last day of June.  His dark circles showed the lack of sleep that he had been facing for weeks.  Everyone seemed to notice that he wasn’t himself as of late.  Maybe it was because tomorrow he would gain another year.  His life seemed like it was flying past him and he didn’t even have enough memories to hold on to. 

It was almost time for lunch and they were eating out again.  “Guys get ready!” He shouted and heard the others shout back in reply.  He was going to enter the room he shared with Yesung but he heard Ryewook inside.  Normally he would have entered without any fear.  But seeing Yesung was in there with his boyfriend he felt like he shouldn’t been walking in.  He knocked lightly and waited a couple of minutes before entering.  “Hyung, are we leaving now?” Ryewook asked and Leeteuk nodded grabbing his jacket.

Soon enough the 10 of them were getting into separate vans.  Leeteuk, Donghae, Yesung, Ryewook, Kyuhyun, Sungmin and their manager went in one while the others were in the other van. Leeteuk sat in the passenger seat in the front.  Kyuhyun and Sungmin were in the pair of seats in the middle and in the back were Yesung and Ryewook and Donghae awkwardly sitting between them. The whole ride he stayed quiet trying not to bring attention to himself.

Leeteuk didn’t even realize when he had built such a protective barrier around himself.  There were only a couple of people that knew how to get past that barrier.  But the most important person wasn’t around to do that.  He wasn’t around to tell Leeteuk everything would be okay; he wasn’t around to give him any support.  “Hyung, aren’t you coming?” Donghae asked nudging Leeteuk’s shoulder who finally realized that they had reached the restaurant.  He smiled faintly and nodded getting out of the van.  He followed behind Donghae who bounced happily into the restaurant.  The smell of fresh pasta and sauce filled Leeteuk’s nostrils.

His stomach rumbled loudly and that’s when he realized how hungry he actually was.  “Has it been a long time since you ate?” Heechul asked throwing his arms around Leeteuk’s neck.  “I don’t remember…” Leeteuk replied a bit frustrated.  “You really are out of it aren’t you? What’s on your mind?” Heechul asked while they were escorted to their table. Heechul insisted that Leeteuk tell him what was wrong but Leeteuk continued to refuse him and Heechul finally gave up.  They all started to eat at the large table that they had reserved.  There were the usual fights, jokes and lovey dovey couple moments.  Donghae seemed more quiet than usual and excused himself with his phone pressed to his ear.  Leeteuk watched for a couple of seconds but got back to eating his food.

When Donghae did return he had a look of sadness, his eyes were even a bit red.  Leeteuk was going to ask if he was alright but Sungmin interrupted. “Hyung, we know tomorrow is your birthday but…we suddenly got a Super Junior – M fan meeting in China scheduled tomorrow.  We’re leaving early tomorrow morning so…” Sungmin trailed and Leeteuk smiled slightly.  “It’s alright; your schedules have already been fixed. I’ll be fine…thank you.” Leeteuk said and Sungmin looked relieved.  “I have a filming to go to and Yesung is going to be in a recording. We’ll be staying at a hotel…” Shindong said and Leeteuk nodded lightly.  “Which means it’ll just be you and me!” Heechul said putting an arm around Leeteuk’s neck for the second time with a grin on his face.

It didn’t anger Leeteuk that everybody had a schedule on his birthday with the exception of Heechul, it just angered him how they approached him about it.  Sure he liked it if they were blunt but still he didn’t need it to be thrown on him.  The rest of the day he stayed in the living room watching reruns of melodramatic dramas.  It’s not that he actually enjoyed them but he had nothing to do so it was his way of passing time. Dinner soon arrived and Leeteuk ate very little and decided to go to sleep early.  He was tired and worn out.  He was walking past Donghae’s room when he heard voices.  There a low muffled tone and whimpers.  He knocked before entering to find Donghae on the phone whispering.  He looked alarmed but didn’t say anything.  “Who are you calling?” Leeteuk asked curiously.

“Kibum…” Donghae replied.  Leeteuk sat down on the edge of Donghae’s bed.  “How many times today?” He asked casually.  “I think…8. He’s not answering.” Donghae said and smiled.  “He must be really busy right hyung?” Donghae said but it sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than Leeteuk.  “Why are you calling him?” Leeteuk asked bluntly.  Donghae seemed stunned and coughed a bit before answering.  “I wanted him to maybe come over tomorrow so that you could have someone besides Heechul for your birthday.” He answered.  Leeteuk smiled and suddenly Donghae’s phone rang.  Instantly the boy’s face lit up.  “Hello?” He said quickly.  “Donghae, you called?” Kibum’s voice came into the phone.

“Kibum, I know you’re busy with a drama or movie, I never actually know any longer but…” Donghae trailed.  “Could you come over for hyung’s birthday?” Donghae asked.  There were a couple of coughs on the other end.  “Donghae, I can’t…I’m sorry…” Kibum answered knowing that this would deeply sadden the boy.  “Oh! Well I guess I should hang up…bye…” Donghae said.  “Wait!” Kibum shouted not wanting Donghae to cut short their call even though he really was busy.  He didn’t have a minute to spare but wanted to hold onto Donghae’s voice as long as he could.  “I miss you…” Kibum said softly and waited to here a reply.  “Me too…” Donghae said but those three words had managed to send off his waterworks and tears were trailing down his cheeks like a river flow. 

He hung up and Leeteuk pulled Donghae into a hug.  He always seemed to have a soft spot when it came to Donghae.  Ever since the boy’s father died he felt like he had to protect Donghae with his life.  Donghae sobbed into his hyung’s shirt causing a wet spot but Leeteuk didn’t mind.  An hour or so Leeteuk left after Donghae had cried himself to sleep in his arms.  Leeteuk went to grab a glass of water and pretended not to notice Kyuhyun and Sungmin cuddling on the living room couch.  He wanted to ask them if they were going to sleep but something made him not to.  Was he jealous? That Kyuhyun and Sungmin both had someone that would keep the strong?

For the first time Leeteuk remembered the words he had left Kangin with.  He sat up in his bed and glanced over to Yesung who was snoring in his own bed. 

- Flashback -

He stared as the male finished speaking.  Explaining himself.  Leeteuk couldn’t process anything properly.  Was he really going to leave? Shindong had been the one that told him.  Was this really happening to him? He felt a burning sensation in his chest.  His insides felt like they were on fire.

“So what do you want me to do?” Leeteuk asked in a bitter tone.  “Leeteuk-” Kangin was cut off.  “Why are you telling me this now? You clearly made the decision yourself! You didn’t bother to ask me! I bet you that you didn’t even think about me when you made the decision!” Leeteuk shouted in a hearty tone.  He felt the lump in his throat and he thought that any second he would start crying.

But he was stubborn.  He refused to look weak in front of Kangin. “Do you know how hard it was for me to make the decision? Are you really going to act-” Again Leeteuk had cut Kangin off.  “I don’t care! Go! See if it makes any difference to me! Go! Leave!” Leeteuk shouted taking a couple of steps away from Kangin who gave him a look before grabbing his things and leaving to the military.

- End of Flashback -

Leeteuk picked up his cell phone and looked through his contacts.  Kangin had always been number one; he still was because Leeteuk simply couldn’t find the heart to erase his number.  He knew he was wrong but still he was stubborn.  He hadn’t talked to Kangin ever since then.  He refused to.  Whenever Kangin called he would act like he didn’t know or was really busy. He fell asleep soon after and was awoken by Shindong, Yesung and Heechul. 

“Happy Birthday!” They shouted all at once scaring Leeteuk.  He reacted by falling off the bed.  He was dumbfounded for a couple of seconds before trying to hit ever single one of them for doing that to him.  They ran away while he got ready.  They forced seaweed soup down his throat and after that chocolate cake.  Shindong and Yesung then left in the afternoon leaving Leeteuk with Heechul.  “Did you call him?” Heechul asked casually as they sat on the couch watching a horror movie. Leeteuk didn’t reply which caused Heechul to repeat himself. 

Leeteuk sighed and shook his head no.  “You really aren’t going to call him?” Heechul asked and Leeteuk nodded.  Heechul was the only one that actually knew what happened that night.  Which is one of the reasons he didn’t want to be with Heechul right now.  He waited for the pestering to start but was surprised that it didn’t.  “I’m going out…” He said grabbing his jacket and heading out.  He didn’t expect that but he rather be alone anyway.  He looked at the clock and noticed that it was almost midnight.  His birthday would be over soon. 

He sat there in silence until he heard the doorbell.  He walked slowly expecting Heechul to bang on the door.  But no one did.  Leeteuk approached with caution turning a light on and peering through the small peek hole.  No one was there.  He unlocked the door and opened it seeing no on right away.  But then arched down a figure was fixing his shoes.  Leeteuk stepped out and saw Kangin. 

His whole body went numb.  He was mentally yelling at himself to close the door.  Close it quickly or the illusion will follow him wherever he went.  He thought Kangin was his imagination and pinched himself a couple of times before being pulled into a hug by Kangin.  “I’m sorry…” He whispered in Leeteuk’s ear.  They stood there in the doorway on the moist night for a couple of minutes.  Leeteuk was still in shocked but pushed Kangin away after.

“You jerk…” Leeteuk said looking down.  “Couldn’t you have called me personally on my cell phone once? Couldn’t you have sent me a text? An email? A letter? Anything that would have those words reach me?” Leeteuk asked as tears threatened his eyes.  Kangin grabbed Leeteuk’s wrist and pulled him inside closing the door behind him.  “I called but you never spoke to me…” He said and looked down.  “…I’m sorry…” Leeteuk said and broke down in tears.  Kangin put his arm around Leeteuk protectively.  “Don’t be…I made the mistake and you suffered whether you want to admit it or not…you missed me.” Kangin said and Leeteuk didn’t even yell at him about his cockiness.

“Do you know how much I suffered when you left? You…jerk!” Leeteuk said hitting Kangin and a small croak escaped his throat when Kangin attacked his lips. The kiss was deepened by Kangin’s strong force and Leeteuk was easily pulled into no matter how much he wanted to resist.  He had missed the feeling of Kangin’s lips on his.

“Told you that they just needed five minutes!” Heechul said watching the scene from the open doorway.  There stood all of Super Junior grinning madly at the scene in front of them.  “Happy Birthday Leeteuk!” They shouted while Leeteuk stared at them shocked.  “I thought you were in China? You said you went to some record, you all said you were busy!” He stuttered out while Kangin grinned.  “They told me how depressed you were without me.  So Heechul did all this…” Kangin explained.  “Heechul I’m going-” Leeteuk started to yell but Kangin pecked him and his face flushed red in embarrassment.

Sometimes when I’m down, sometimes when I’m tired
As my tears drop, I think of you
Not until now have I realized
The love that you showed me