He would never tell her.

That when he saw her that day with another guy, his heart plummeted down in darkness so deep that he thought he couldn't hear it thumping anymore.

He would never tell her.

That her smile still ghosts through his nights, that her melodious laughter still haunts him when silence comes to his ears, that he wonders every single day how she is doing. 

He would never tell her.

That he wants her back, oh so much. But he couldn't, because he doesn't deserve her.

Jang Wooyoung knew that he doesn't deserve a girl as perfect as Kim Taeyeon. Especially when there is another guy who treats her better, is smarter, from a family well-off, and completely head over heels with her. Wooyoung knew that he was the only obstacle standing between her and her happily ever after. So he treats her a little bad, see her less often and ignores half of her calls, just so she breaks up with him. He wouldn't break up with her, because if he did, she would have to be the one to nurse a heartbreak (and he couldn't bring himself to ask her to break up with him, but he wasn't going to let her know that). 

For this to work, she has to be the one that has fallen out of love with him, and she will walk away with as little hurt as possible. What made it thrice harder is that Kim Taeyeon is a girl with a big heart, which made it even harder for Wooyoung to instill his newly constructed image of a snarky, insensitive foul-mouthed bastard and expect it to work like a charm. 

So when one day Taeyeon said "You didn't used to be like this", words carefully constructed to avoid hurting his feelings, Wooyoung thought that maybe, maybe this could work.

"Well, people change, you know." he said lightly with a smirk curling in the edge of his lips, his hand fumbles around his pockets for a cigarette just to prove his point.

She frowned, tugging on his sleeves, he could already know what she's going to say. 

"Wooyoung-ah, I-" 

"If you're gonna tell me to stop, save it. I don't want to hear it" He said, voice cutting through her sentence harshly. Sliding his arm off from her grip, he walked a little quicker, with bigger strides and chest slightly raised to look boisterous. He did it deliberately because he knew just how much she hates being left behind and having to catch up to others - an insecurity that stemmed off from having short legs (and because he knew his defenses would crumble down seeing her hurt, but he wasn't going to let her know that too).

One day when a fight break out between them because of something as trivial as what they are having for lunch, he challenged her with a "You want to end it?", and when she finally muttered a "Fine! Let's break up!" Wooyoung thought that he would be relieved. But he was far from it, because he can never turn back. Because he can never let himself to ask for second chances. Because he knew that he doesn't deserve any, and he would not put her to the trouble of having to reject him.

But it still hurts. Having to stand there and pretend that his heart doesn't hurt. It hurts, holding his hands steady so it doesn't reach for hers. It hurts, trying to hold the tears in his eyes and commanding them so it don't spill out. It hurts, trying to numb his ears from her pleas. It hurts, trying to hold himself back and pretended that he doesn't feel anything. But he held everything in and swallowed the pain whole, because without pain, it isn't a sacrifice, and without a sacrifice, it isn't love.

He is the one that has to do it, he told himself. Because if it isn't him, no one else could. Because he should be the only one suffering. Afterall, this is his mistake, this is what he has to pay for. But he wouldn't let her know that. It was better for her to stamp him as a jerk and then forget about him. He owes her at least that much.

So when she called him after their break-up and said she missed him, he stayed quiet, clamping his hands over his mouth and trying so hard to prevent himself to say that he misses her more. When she took the silence as indifference, Wooyoung thought he had succeeded. 

"You don't care, do you?" she had asked, voice latched on with sadness and desperation, as though this is the last thing she could hold onto. 

Don't, he said inside his head, don't do this, don't beg for this jerk to go back to you, I dont deserve you. 

"Answer me, Wooyoung-ah. Say anything, please just let me hear your voice" Her voice shook, with what Wooyoung recognise as worry and he had to bit on his hands so he wouldn't say anything.

I can't, don't make me do this, because if I've gone too far to turn back anymore. Hang up the phone and forget me, Taeyeon-ah. I don't deserve you.

"I'm sorry..." she said, so quiet Wooyoung is beginning to think that he is imagining things.

No, I should be the one who is sorry. I wish there is a better word than sorry, in fact I would probably need a better word than that. 

Her last word was "I miss you", and when the ringing sound of the empty line greeted him, Wooyoung lets his phone slides off his hands and hit the ground with a thud, the back of his hand kept rubbing off his eyes harshly until he was sure tears wouldn't be able to come out, while his other hand still clamped tightly over his mouth, trying to stop the whimper that is lodged in the edge of his throat. Because she shouldn't know that he misses her too, like crazy. 

I love you, he mouthed.

So in the end, when he came across her smiling while walking with that other guy, Wooyoung couldn't do anything but pretended that he didnt see them. He tightens his grip on his messenger bag, plastered a fake smile and waved to a nonexistent friend image behind her. He breezed past her and felt her searing look on his back, and pretended that it didn't pierce through the very core of his heart. 

Because she doesn't need to know that he still love her so.

Because she doesn't need to know that he is both sad and glad that she's doing well without him.

Because she doesn't need to know that he would give his world up for her future happiness.

Because giving her up is the best decision he ever made. If keeping the truth to himself and shielding her with white lies are what is best for her, Wooyoung would gladly do it, a hundred times over.

-

A/N: This was something I wrote nearly 2 years ago, just in the process of reposting my stuff over here too :)