CHAPTER 1: WE WERE FRIENDS, JUST FRIENDS

It all started during my second year in college. We shared room in the dorms back then. We were friends, just friends. We weren’t really close because we were so different. I loved being out and about during the weekends, enjoying my young life. She would spend her free time studying and volunteering to help the less fortunate. I didn’t dislike her, I just found her…boring. I invited her out a couple of times, but she was always busy with school work or volunteering somewhere. She would often invite me to go volunteer with her; she said they were always in need of more volunteers. I always found an excuse to not go. Sometimes I would agree to do it, but then make some excuse up at the last minute. I think she figured out I wasn’t interested in going because eventually she stopped asking me to go with her.

 She found out about my ual orientation by accident. She was out of town for the weekend visiting her parents so I brought a girl to the dorm. Needless to say she returned early from her trip and found us in a compromising position. She figured out the rest. I thought she would be disgusted by me, but no. She was very interested. She kept asking awkward questions like “What is like being a lesbian? Are you the man or the woman in the relationship? Do you hate men?”  I wasn’t sure if her questions were because she was genuinely curious or she was just trying to make fun of me.

That night we ended up bonding over my uality. It was..awkward, yet somehow liberating. I had never actually talked to anyone about my uality. Most people knew or didn’t care enough to ask. She, however, just wanted to know everything about it.  I told her about my Catholic parents and the way I was raised. I was still hiding my true self from my family then. I didn’t think they would be so accepting of me liking girls over boys. I always knew they were accepting with their friends, but I am their daughter, it was different.

Like my parents, I was raised Catholic. I believe in accepting others and overlook their flaws. However, my religion has mixed feelings about certain topics, like homouality. There are those who accept it. There are also those who oppose it. I was always more open minded. Growing up with my generation we pretty much saw it all from an early age and got used to it without question it. My parents, they were raised in different times so I didn’t know which side they would take. The subject was never brought up in our home.

I don’t think we slept that night. We just talked…and talked…and talked…

I’ve been with Sandara for over 2 years now. Our relationship is purely ual, just for fun. She had a boyfriend at the time, and wanted to keep our relationship unofficial and discreet. I still hadn’t told my parents about my uality, and I was not about to tell them by bringing a girlfriend home. So having an official girlfriend was definitely out of the question. Even after Sandara broke up with her boyfriend, she didn’t pressure me to make our relationship “official.” She told me she wasn’t really a lesbian she was just experimenting; after all, this is college. Everyone experiments in college, and I guess she just wants to experiment being with a girl. It’s all fine with me. I’m not ready for a full time lesbian relationship, they tend to get complicated.

 She doesn’t live on school grounds anymore, she has her own place now. She called it the next step in her life. I’m not sure what she meant by it, but she said she needed to move out.  She once asked if I wanted to move in with her and be her roommate. I don’t know why I denied the offer. In the end, it didn’t seem to matter to either one of us. With her moving out on her own, we saw each other less and less. Our time together was scarce, but a lot more meaningful.  I would sometimes spend the night over at her place. Other times I would spend the whole weekend with her. We would have breakfast together, talk about nothing and everything, go grocery shopping together. We were like a married couple for those days. Then she got a roommate, and my sleepovers at her place became extremely rare. Her new roommate, some girl from her Psychology class, Bom something didn’t know about us. I guess Sandara didn’t want her to know about us, because whenever we were around Bom she would act distant. I understood, after all, our relationship was purely ual and not official. It was partially a secret from everyone.

Bom and Sandara are really close now, closer than best friends. I think they have something going on between them two. Bom is always so touchy and overprotective of Sandara. She seems to always come between me and Sandara. If we go out to eat, Bom will sit by Sandara’s side. If we go to the movies, Bom sits between me and Sandara. I don’t know if she hates me, or is just trying to keep me away from Sandara. I don’t really like her that much because of it. She’s a great person, but she’s so overprotective of Sandara. Sandara doesn’t belong to her, she belongs to me. I mean, I know Sandara and I don’t have anything exclusive, but Bom should at least respect whatever me and Sandara have going on.

I’m starting to sound like a jealous girlfriend…

I’m at the coffee shop on Flaxton St today. I’m meeting Sandara here today. Our relationship has been kind of rough lately. We haven’t been together in over a month, and she rarely replies to my calls or messages. She also doesn’t seem to want me near her apartment. I don’t know why. I think she’s planning on breaking up with me, or whatever it is we have. This is probably has something to do with Bom. The other day I called Sandara and she was whispering. I asked to meet her but she said she was out of town, which is a complete lie because that night I saw her with Bom at the movies.

Sigh

 Yeah, she’s probably going to break up with me. It’s silly, I shouldn’t care about her breaking it off. I shouldn’t care at all, but I do. Sandara is one of the few good things I have going for me. She is kind, gentle, caring, loving, funny, smart, beautiful, y and hard working. She is always working hard to improve herself. I like that about her. She’s so compassionate and caring. I love how she treasures every little thing in life. I love how she ruffles my hair and makes silly faces at me when she thinks I’m not looking. I love it when she scrunches up her nose or pinches the bridge of her nose. I love it when I randomly catch her singing. I love the way she dances. I love the way she dresses, the way she walks, the way she smells, the way she talks, the way she looks at me, the way she…oh my God..I love… her.