How I wished I am old, old enough to be your boyfriend.

I know this is not right but I can’t help it. The feelings just rushed up to my mind, my body and my whole heart…it is not my fault.  I don’t want to admit I am wrong even I know I am. I know there is no way I can stop this feelings. Don’t say I never try because you will never know the moment when I cut myself treating it is my punishment, you will never know when I cried bitterly in the toilet alone, you will never know how heavy my heart is whenever I see him laughing with other girls.

Falling in love with teacher is not allowed…but why I am still falling. I should have stopped myself but I can’t. This is totally crap. There is no one I can turn to…my friends would say I am crazy. Why would I fall in love with an old man? He is not old…at least in my eyes. I just love him. Is that wrong?

These few days I had been imaging too much…imagine we hold hand imagine we kissed imagine we hugged. Is this wrong again? I hate to be wrong. I hate to be called immature for falling in love. I am old enough to handle…but this seemed to be a little too much…

The way you smile, do you know how much I wish that is for me?

The moment you laugh, do you know how much I wished I can laugh with you?

Do you know when my classmates spreading your rumours by saying you are married; I want to kill your wife. I am angry…I am heartbroken…why I am not old? Why I am not a girl?

I want you…I just want you….is that wrong?

I can’t stop this sinful love. I imagined some scene for us.

The scene we fought over small little thing. I cried and you came to hug me and apologised, after that we just cuddle together sweetly and fell asleep.

The scene we baked cake together, I being childish and threw some flour on your faces. You pretended to be angry and causing me to panic, I tried to think all sorts way to make you smile again. You laughed at my foolishness, causing me to be embarrassed.

The scene we celebrated your birthday, I spent more than 3 hours just to choose your tie and shirt, praying hard you would like it. Lucky, my pray seems to be answered. You crazy over them and you wore them at least thrice a week even causing the students teasing you for not washing up.

Do you think that it crazy? Having an imaginary boyfriend…is that crazy? If it is crazy then I choose not to be normal. It is okay to let my friends think I am crazy for talking to myself when I am actually talking to you. It is okay to let my parents worry about me for laughing alone when I am actually laughing at your joke. It is totally okay to have an imaginary boyfriend, at least you would never leave me.

In love with a student? That is rubbish. It is illegal in every country! Why would I fall in love with him? He is not smart…he is not handsome…he is not athletic…

The way he stared at me during lesson, I feel like digging out his eyes. Why would he pay so much attention to me? I heard that he is as same as other students who will sleep during lesson. This is weird…maybe I am just over thinking… there is no way he would love me. Even he loves me, it is still not allowed. Even I love him, nothing would change. Rule still rules…why I am talking this, he doesn’t even love me…I am just making guess… This is getting on my nerves! I don’t even remember I am a gay! I am afraid to enter the class, I am afraid receiving his stares…I afraid I would fall in love with him….

I need to get over it soon. I know I can do it…but it seemed to be a little bit hard. I should have control well…my feelings should not control my heart and mind. It is wrong. I should have stop before this going out of hand. However, I know everything is too late when I started creating fake memories with him…

Taking care of him when he is sick….feeding him porridge….hugging him tightly by keeping him warmth….I want to do all this with him.

Running around the field, flying kite, lying down on the grass patch are all I ever wanted to do with the person I loved the most…but I think now is useless.

Colleagues start asking me when I will get a girlfriend…I think my answer is never. I am a freaking gay who love a student!

How would they think of me? How would my parents think of me then? Would I still able to keep my job after revealing my terrible secret?

Am I supposed to pretend everything is perfect? Am I supposed to pretend I am happy to see that girls are flirting with him?

How I wish there will be only us in this world and we would be able to create our own rules…

Rules are tying us down badly and I don’t think I would ever be able to untie it.

Maybe having you as my boyfriend in my mind is not a bad thing after all…you would always stay beside me…

Wooyoung Student, you shall be my imaginary boyfriend until I am able to get you out of my head…