Kyungsoo and I were nothing alike. We were not two peas in a pod, a carbon copy Xerox of each other nor were we in good terms. It’s not that I don’t like to be compared; he just simply hates me with no apparent reason.

 

He is nothing like me. He was so close to being an angel with the face of his that everyone thinks that he’s oh so dreamy. On the other hand, no one likes me, I have horrible skin and an unbearable face to look at; I was the ugly version of Lee Taemin.

 

Shivers shook my bones; stares land and flee out of my face until I finally admit, I don’t want to be judged.

 

Unattractive

 

Every day, I cannot stand being close with him even if our parents force us to sit side by side during breakfasts and dinners. I could feel my stomach hurl and my legs were about to chop off. They’re making it more evident for me of how Kyungsoo’s gauge is at the very top while mine is below average.

 

I don’t really know if they despise having a son full of imperfections like me or they’re just having a great time contrasting how bad I was in every aspect Kyungsoo is good at.

 

They’re laughing at their foolish son. I don’t even know if they’re even calling me as their own child. I just feel it in my bones and I can’t bring myself nor have I had the right to complain.

 

I was born with this body but the people around me mould the feeble ‘Kai’.

 

I always try to erase the thought of asking if they really care for me. They don’t even bother to ask me how I was doing in school. They’re always looking at Kyungsoo while Kyungsoo was always sneering at me. I don’t know what’s wrong without having a perfect body, a perfect face and anything that has to be their ideal.

 

Can’t they see themselves?

They aren’t perfect as well.

But, they’re judging me.

It does hurt…

 

Do they really know what’s the real definition of beauty? Sometimes I question myself if beauty is really based in looks, of how you dress, of how many paper bills are in your pocket. Does it really matter? Why is it in the novels that I real beauty is in terms of your personality and how act towards others. Even if the main character is one of the ugliest girls in school, his man always tells him that she’s beautiful.

 

Why can’t anyone tell me that?

Or at least comment something neutral about me…

Is it that hard?

I can feel the walls of my sanity being congested that I couldn’t breathe.

 

Their laughter,

Kyungsoo’s face,

their mischievous stares,

Kyungsoo’s body,

their ill uttered words; all of it make the color of my lips drain and my vision blur. Growls of horrible words echoed in my mind even if I tried to push them away; they always find a way to come out, like a dove who was set off on a flight. It will always come back.

 

They are headed towards me, the people who are always pushing me around. I know they need something, maybe a cheat code with all of the formulas or they’ll shove all of their projects to me. It would be once in a blue moon that someone would pay me back. Even if I don’t like their treatment, I have nothing to do.

 

Just go with the flow and it will deal no harm.

 

“Yah, pea brain…” The tallest of them threw his text book right in front of my desk. Even with his nicest grin I could ever consume, it still created shivers down my skin which gave off a resemblance like I was a corpse yet living. “… finish this and give it back to me by tomorrow, understood?”

 

His voice was not frightening or I was just used to it but it won’t just register in my mind. I was being pushed around to do something that I don’t want but I don’t fight back. My knees were buckling once more and I can’t do anything but to accept whatever they want me to do with a reward of a week with no bullying by them.

 

I was treated like a mere slave whose payment that he could only get was his freedom. I know that I don’t deserve to be treated like that. We are in the 21^st century; slavery is already gone out of the trends a long time ago. But, I was still stuck like that; dealt to work like an animal even if I don’t have any benefit from it at all.

 

Silently, I took the folder under my desk finding the grins of theirs spreading wider on their faces. If I could have the guts to throw the project back at them, I’ve probably done it a long time ago. But now, my insides are being squished in confusion. I don’t know how long will I tolerate this kind of treatment. I can’t predict.

 

The bell rang. I honestly couldn’t tell how everyone was able to go back five seconds before our next teacher arrived on the platform or my mind was slow in registering everything.

 

There was Kyungsoo again, sitting by the window; staring whatever would catch his eyes. His skin, indeed; it was flawless, sparkling and smooth looking. Our seats are so close but we’re still so far. I can feel my heart being crazy and overreacting; thumping so hard in my chest that I could already hear it in my ears.

 

Teachers were never scolding him while they always know my every action, being controlled in everything I do. Being seen as a teacher’s pet; it was very disgusting.

 

“Kai, would you mind doing number three on the board?” She was gritting her teeth even if she tries to deny it; I know it in her voice. Somehow, I didn’t know how long I was looking at Kyungsoo that I was called up front. It doesn’t matter and it will not deal any damage. The item was indeed easy then she told me to go back to my seat.

 

I hate it when people call me ‘Kai’.

 

Surprisingly, Kyungsoo was looking at me; not in a stern way. His eyes were soft or it was just only my imagination but my cheeks were becoming hot.

 

I can’t recognize what was the idea that made me know that this was no trance. I just knew that his hand was on mine, softly brushing my fingers with his thumb.

 

“Is something wrong…” He sighed.

 

“Jongin?” It was the first time his voice was filled with affection and care. He never acted this way towards or at least it was a long time ago; back when we were kids. I don’t how fluttery my heart was; jumping all around my chest, bouncing with exaggeration on my rib cage. I wished… this moment would last, even for two minutes.

 

It was new—no, it was just a revived feeling.

 

“Do you want to stand, Kai?” The feverish feeling on my hand won’t go away.

 

“N-No Ms—“

 

“Then what are you waiting for? Sit down!” She was pointing her chalk at me but I didn’t care.

 

What I care about is, Kyungsoo wasn’t letting go nor was his grip was wavering. The weight on my chest was slowly being lifted. I was trying hard to hide the taint on my cheeks and prevent myself accidentally grazing my eyes on his face.

 

But…

 

It was no use, his eyes… all the way …. Was on me.

 

I thought happiness was the one spreading on my nerves.

 

The weight was heavier—a lot heavier than before.

 

Did reality put enough hatred on me?

 

“You didn’t answer me.” Kyungsoo started to talk, tucking his free hand under his chin while I was cut off from jacking down notes.

 

I was forced to look back at him, my jaw shivering as I spoke. “Y-Yeah…” His hand around my own got tighter that I flinched and drop my pen on the book.

 

“Are you sure?” I loved the feeling being cared. How should I describe it? Rare? It was unnatural for Kyungsoo to ask these questions to me. It was as if he changed from the unconcerned Kyungsoo to the one who’s worried. I wanted to slap myself or punch the wall to know if I was dreaming. Really, really hoping that I’m not.

 

“Yes.”

 

“I don’t believe you.”

 

I let out a shuddered breath, clasping my eyes shut, pushing my fingers until my nails dug on his flesh. “Then don’t” I immediately pursed my lips, eyes widening for the answer I just said. I was rude when he was trying to become nice to me.

 

I thought he was going to let go of my hand then spat me with undesirable cusses. But no, he lightly brushed again his thumb then smiled at me for a second and put on the empty expression I was used to. “Fine.” His voice was deep yet caring like dark chocolate…it’s not that bitter; it was still sweet.

 

Why can’t Kyungsoo be like this every day?

 

Unconsciously, I was smiling—more like smirking and I don’t give a heck if Kyungsoo is staring at me right now.

 

But I don’t really know if this is happiness or just satisfaction.

 

 

 

I—errr… I mean we are going back home. It was disturbing of how clingy Kyungsoo was. Not the type of cling that he flails his arms around me or something like an overly attached girlfriend would do; he was being close with me—a little bit too close.

 

It was uncomfortable going home with someone to accompany you. It was foreign almost everybody in school hates me and thinks that I was sort of a machine that everything you’d tell me to do; I’ll be gladly doing it for you. No, it was a pain in the arse and it’s only natural for me to fret over this.

 

But it’s the matter of a no-bullying-week for me and it’s good enough. At least, I won’t be choked to the wall and locked in the locker for two hours or something worse.

 

Haha. It wasn’t supposed to be laughable but since the project they gave me would probably take 4 hours to do this; I want to throw this away and just let my mind wander about how caring Kyungsoo was today.

 

How I was stupidly blushing throughout the time we were walking.

I wish, every single day of my life… Kyungsoo was like that…

And he’ll only do that for me…

How ambitious can I get?

 

Kyungsoo broke the silence. He was more uncomfortable than me, huh? “Come here.” He ordered, signalling me to make the distance between us a little bit closer. “It’s getting cold.” I was such a denial, shaking my head to a no and intentionally let the distance become wider. He bit his lip in annoyance and that lip in.

 

I was again startled by his actions; thinking if I should just run away like I usually do when I’m in trouble. So, should I?

 

My feet were stuck on the ground, keeping on moving forward. I really, no—I need to run; my heart was beating faster as his pace was moving slower and slower. He was right; it was indeed cold, my fingers were turning numb and the pale pink color was fading.

 

How stupid am I for forgetting my gloves?

 

“Still doing good?” I can see the corner of his lip moving up into a small smirk.

 

No?

 

“Y-Yeah, I’m fine. No worries.”

 

Wow, he’s really concerned about me. I sneered and looked at the ground. It was nerve wrecking when I laid again my eyes on him, he halted and stared back at me. I swear that my feet won’t move even how much effort and energy I was giving just to lift it one centimetre from the ground. “You are aware that your knees are also shivering.” Kyungsoo pointed out, still holding an idle and pale face, tucking both of his hands in his pocket.

 

I slowly nodded then curled the bare fingers behind my back.

 

“Well,” Kyungsoo swiftly removed the cloth covering his hands then threw them right at me. “Gloves can lessen the shivers happening in you.” That was his last time to look at me then set his attention on the path we’re taking. It took three seconds for me to realize that he was walking and I was walking, terribly nervous next to him. Hastily, I slipped the gloves on then bended my fingers a bit. I just noticed; the cloth was a bit tight but it’s okay.

 

I smiled to myself then buried my hands back in my pockets.

 

 

Walking side by side him was a hard task. I could not help myself to steal a few glances or just completely stare right at his face. He was just utterly perfect compared to me. The worst part of it was, the tingling sensation in my chest won’t fade.

 

A few steps more then we’re at home. I watched Kyungsoo removing his shoes then shoot his socks somewhere in the laundry and went straight to his bedroom. I did the same except I left my socks on.

 

Our bedrooms are not far apart. It was not long since we were still sleeping in one room. It was a year before the both of us stepped in high school that I insisted my parents if I could just move to the guest room and surprisingly, they allowed me.

 

Though it was not as large as my old bedroom but at least it’s not as small as the maid’s quarters. Adjusting to the size was not the main problem but my own desktop; the internet cable can’t reach in my room so I have to go to Kyungsoo’s room just to use it for research purposes or sometimes I just go there for no apparent reason, probably stalking and such that I won’t admit.

 

Sluggishly, I collapsed on the bed then hung my feet on the headboard. I stared at the white ceiling, full of scratches, dusts and some cracks of paint that really needed some renovation or at least cleaning and repaint.

 

With my chest heaving high and low, I was thinking if I should go down for dinner. Mom was calling me and my stomach growled for every five exhales that I make. Plus, I don’t think I can face Kyungsoo. I’d be either blushing mad or prefer staring back at him then forgetting to eat my food. It was just a matter of starving myself to death or trying to withstand his presence.

 

Well, my stupidity got me in this situation. I’m again beside Kyungsoo eating dinner. I can feel the awkward aura between us but our parents hardly noticed—no, they never had. Immediately, my hatred shot up as I looked at their smiles that I needed to curl my toes once more.

 

A voice inside my head said, “They only look at Kyungsoo-“ I gulped down the half full cup. “-never at you.”

 

And they will never

 

Ever

 

Ever look at you.

 

I didn’t know what I was doing. Kyungsoo just stared at me with those doe-like eyes of his and I caught my parents’ attention. I stood up then slowly placed the chopsticks under the bowl, clutching the hard porcelain not caring if it would shatter and I’ll be scolded again. “Where are you going?” Kyungsoo asked, tugging the hem of my shirt.

 

“Up.” I flatly replied, shoving his hand away. “I’ll use the desktop.”

 

Rolling his eyes, half shrugging in affirmation, he said, “Sure.”

 

I placed the bowl and chopsticks slowly on the sink. I can feel someone was staring at me then I stole a few glances at Kyungsoo. His eyes were like a hawk’s, watching my every move that he also disregarded their conversation with mom and dad. I tried to ignore it but my body was not doing what I was asking it to do so.

 

At first, I was walking, timidly—trying to drag me feet across the carpet then I just knew I was running upstairs and I know he’s trailing me with those eyes of his. As soon as I saw the green doormat, I removed my slippers then quickly closed the door with a loud thud.

 

I was panting, leaning on the cold wood, counting one to ten to calm myself down until I was sliding down the ground. I hugged my legs then clutched my pyjamas. I couldn’t get myself laid. I couldn’t start researching especially when the folder is in my room. I unhurriedly twisted the knob and peek at the approximately one inch hole I allotted myself to peek in to make sure Kyungsoo wasn’t there. Good. The coast is clear, I stupidly informed myself.

 

With one swift movement, the door was pulled away then the hard wood was replaced by something soft. “You’re really funny.” I clutched on the cloth and rubbed my forehead. Without hesitation, I looked up; Kyungsoo was smirking down at me. “I thought you’re going to do that project that was never yours to make?” He mockingly asked.

 

I felt heat creep on my cheeks then I quickly stood up and pushed my way out, stumbling on the next wall I face. I heard him chuckling behind me, leaning on the door. I rolled my eyes and went to my room, took the folder and went back. I wasn’t surprised that he was still had his arm crossed.

 

I did ignore Kyungsoo. I just passed through him and threw the folder at the desktop table and switch the computer on.

 

Minutes passed and I couldn’t comfortably do the freaking research those lazy arses handed me. Now you ask me why. Why? I have an uncertain answer. It wasn’t part of my nature to use the computer and Kyungsoo will be staring at me. I was completely uncomfortable because usually, he’s just sleeping under the covers or bore himself on tv.

 

The Kyungsoo behind me is different.

 

Way different.

 

It was obvious that it would really take me a long time to do this project of theirs but I didn’t expect to be that time consuming that my lids are about fall down and my eyes are just bloody red. I yawned and looked at Kyungsoo, who was still busy reading his book even if it’s noticeable that he wasn’t even flipping the pages.

 

I shrugged and pulled my attention back at the computer, fiddling my fingers on the mouse. God, could this get any more frustrating? I’ve been like to fifty websites and there’s nothing about this topic. Aish, I want to sweep the desktop with my arms and crash the monitor on the floor. Of course, I can’t do that. I will create ruckus and I don’t want to be scolded…again.

 

“Are you really sure that you don’t need my help?” Kyungsoo mumbled for the nth time except he added the word ‘really’ to his question.

 

“No? It’s fine. You can sleep.” I replied. I swear, if this continues further, I don’t care if I get beat up tomorrow; it’s not my grade anyway. It will only just cost a few bruises, punches, broken bones and humiliation. It won’t mean much, Yeah, that’s right. I just have to be a positive thinker.

 

“Suit yourself…” I heard his low voice and some rustles of the blanket. Just when I thought he was going to sleep, he put a blanket around my shoulders and whispered right in my ear. “Good night. Don’t be shy to ask for help.”

 

I was sure that I was still aware of my surroundings and stared right back at him then I felt his hand on my shoulder. “Good luck,” and left me. I was feeling dizzy after that, slapping both of my cheeks to wake me up from this make-shift dream. But, it wasn’t my imagination; it was true.

 

For a second, I turned and saw a sleeping figure with his back facing me. I sighed and continued researching.

 

“God dammit.” Frustration stepped in and fatigue crashed on my body like waves. I didn’t notice that I’ve fallen asleep.

 

I’m dead meat.

---

 

 

Author's Note : So, this was meant to be a drabble... and it turned out to be a nonsense one too