I wished I knew.
I'm Sorry
I have a boyfriend who grew up with me. His name is Sehun. I always thought of him as a friend until last year when we went to a trip from a club. I found that I fell in love with him. Before that trip was over, I took a step and confessed my love for him. And soon, we became a pair of lovers. However, we love each other in different ways. I always concentrated on him only but by his side, there were so many other girls. To me, he was the only one, but to him, maybe I was just another girl…
"Sehun, do you want to go watch a movie?” I asked.
“I can’t.”
“Why? You need to study at home?” I felt disappointment grabbing me.
“No… I am going to meet a friend…”
He was always like that. He met girls in front of me like it was nothing. To him, I was just a girlfriend. The word ‘love’ only came out from my mouth. Since I knew him, I had never heard him say ‘I love you’ before. To us, there weren’t any anniversaries at all. He didn’t say anything from the first day and it continued till the 100th day… 200th day… Everyday before we say goodbye, he would just hand me a doll, everyday without fail. I don’t know why…
Then one day…
"Um, Sehun, I…" I stuttered.
"What… Don’t drag, just say..." With that face which makes me fall for him at first.
"I love you." I said.
"...You... Um, just take this doll and go home." He looked away..
That was how he ignored my ‘three words’ and handed me the doll then he disappeared, like he was running away. The dolls I received from him everyday filled my room, one by one. There were many…
Then one day my 15th year old birthday arrived. When I got up in the morning, I pictured a party with him. Hence I stayed at home in my room and waited for his call. Lunch passed... Dinner passed… And soon the sky was dark… He still didn’t call. I was already tired from looking at the phone for the whole day. Then around 2am in the morning, he suddenly called me and woke me from my sleep. He told me to come out of the house. Still, I felt joy and I ran out happily.
"Sehun…" I called his name.
"Here… Take this…" He ignored me.
Again, he handed me a little doll.
"What’s this?"
"I didn’t give it to you yesterday, so I am giving it to you now. I’m going home now, bye." Sehun replied.
"Wait, wait! Do you know what day is today?"
"Today? Huh?" The confused look on his face.... I felt so unwanted.
I felt devastated, I thought he would remember my birthday. He turned around and walked away like nothing had happen. Then I shouted…
“Wait…”
"You have something to say?" He turned and looked at me.
"Tell me, tell me you love me…"
"What?!"
"Tell me, please. Just once." I pleaded.
I put my pathetic self behind and clung on to him. But he simply said, “I don’t want to say that I love someone so easily... If you are desperate to hear it, then find someone else.” That was what he said. Then he ran off. My legs felt numb… I collapsed to the ground. He didn’t want to say it easily… How could he… At that moment, I felt that… Maybe he is not the right guy for me…
After that day, I found myself stranded at home crying everyday. He didn’t call me even though I waited for his call. He continued handing me a little doll every morning outside my house. That’s how those dolls piled up in my room… Everyday.
After a month, I pull myself together and went to school. But the pain resurfaced when I saw him on a street with another girl… He had a smile on his face, one that he never showed me… I ran straight back home and looked at the dolls in my room. Tears fell… Why did he give these to me… Those dolls are probably picked out by some other girls… In a fit of anger, I threw the dolls around. Then suddenly, the phone rang. It was him. He told me to come out to the bus stop outside my house. I tried to calm myself down and walked to the bus stop. I kept reminding myself that I am going to forget him and this is going to end. Then he came into my sight, holding a big doll.
"Naeun, I thought you were pissed, you really came."
I couldn’t help hating him for acting like nothing had happened and making a joke out of it. Soon, he held out the doll as usual to hand it over to me.
"I don’t need it." I said in anger.
"What? Why?"
I grabbed the doll from his hands and threw it on the road.
"I don’t need this doll, I don’t need it anymore!! I don’t want to see a person like you again!" I spitted out all the words that were inside me. But unlike other days, he was shaking. “I’m sorry.” He apologized in a tiny voice. He walked over to the road to pick up the doll…
"You are so stupid! Why are you picking up the doll?! Just throw it away!!!" I shouted.
But he ignored me and went to pick the doll. Then… Honk~ Honk~
With a loud honk, a big truck was heading towards him.
“Sehun-ah! Move! Move away!” I shouted… But he didn’t hear me as he squatted down and picked up the doll.
“SEHUN, move!” HONK~!!
“Boom!” A terrifying sound rang through the whole neighbourhood..
That’s how he left me. That’s how he went away without even opening his eyes to say one word to me.
Since that day, I had to go through everyday with guiltiness and sadness of losing him.
After spending two months in despair, I took out the dolls. Those were the only gifts he left me since the day we started going out. I remembered the days I spent with him and started to count the number days when we were in love…
“One… Two… Three…” That was how I started to count the dolls…
“Four hundred and eighty four… Four hundred and eighty five…” It ended with 485 dolls.
I started to cry again with a doll in my arms. I hugged it tightly and then suddenly…
“I love you~, I love you~” I dropped the doll in shock.
“I…. lo..ve… you??” I picked up the doll and pressed it's stomach.
“I love you~ I love you~” It can’t be! I pressed all the dolls on their stomachs.
“I love you~”
“I love you~”
“I love you~”
Those words came out non-stop. I… love you… Why didn’t I realize that? His heart was always by my side protecting me! Why didn’t I realize that he loved me this much? I took out the doll under the bed and pressed it’s stomach. That was the last doll. The one that fell on the road. It had his blood stain on it. I recognized the voice that I was missing so much.
“Naeun… Do you know what day is today? We’ve been loving each other for 486 days. Do you know what 486 is? I couldn’t say I love you…. Um… Since I was too shy… If you will forgive me and take this doll, I will say I love you everyday till I die… Naeun… I love you…”
The tears came flowing out of my eyes. Why? Why? I asked god. Why do I only know about all this now? He can’t be by my side but he loved me until his last minute…
For that reason, I've decided to move on.. and live my life back as the old Naeun that he loves.
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