Paradise

“You’re not, right?” she pauses, then smiles awkwardly, even when the girl knows just how plastic the smile is.

She isn’t really smiling.

“Because it’d be really weird if you were.”

Jessica flings her arms back, and cracks weak laughter. She smiles, and shakes her head.

“I’m not,” she confirms, though her heart’s whispering different words.

You won’t accept me, it says.

Her eyes are already beginning to tear, but she turns away, and lets her fringe down to cover one eye. At least she wouldn’t be seen this way.

“I’m not,” she says again, softer this time.

Her eyes look to the front of the classroom, at the laughing figure in the front, with her classmate, happy, undisturbed.

But what if she was?

It hasn’t been long since she’s caught them talking about her inappropriate behaviour, because in this close-knit group, they don’t accept people like her. They won’t accept people who love Tiffany, because they simply won’t accept people who love everyone as they are.

And it’s getting harder to breathe, because she feels studied, observed with every step and every word she says. She tries to stay quiet, but quiet won’t fix it.

She’s dying, because she doesn’t know what can.

~+~

“Tiff…” her voice trails off, her head bowed, shoulders tense.

“Jessi?” Jessica feels hands grab her shoulders, and bending down slightly to look at her curtained face. “What’s wrong?”

“Please…” she says, lifting her hand for Tiffany to take, “take me away from here.”

She feels fingers lace through hers, and she feels a familiar weight on her shoulder. Tiffany’s hugging her, holding up the pieces together for her. If Tiffany had not taken Jessica’s hand, she’s sure she’ll fall apart.

Everyone looks at her differently, and she’s trying so hard not to let anything out. They talk to her differently, treat her differently. There’s a funny glint in their eyes that are insincere and Jessica doesn’t want to look into them, preferring to keep her head down and avoid those eyes.

They’re peeling her layers one by one, just to see if the inner layers are rotten too.

That’s what it feels like. That’s what Jessica has to go through every day.

And they’d take her things, see what’s inside them, figure out her passcode, because they want to know if they’re any pictures of Tiffany, anything they deem wrong.

She can’t be herself. And not being herself scares Jessica.

She’s talking to them like she would, but no one actually sees what’s in her eyes. And she’s laughing with them, but they don’t hear how different her laughter is.

Tiffany holds her close and whispers,” Just a little more, Jessi.”

Jessica nods into her neck, but she can’t help saying, “I’m tired.”

“Okay, let’s go home,” she pulls away and takes Jessica’s hand, leading her to wherever.

It’s okay, because with Tiffany, anywhere is okay.

But tomorrow she has to do this again, and maybe one day, she’ll forget how she really was.

~+~

These texts mean a lot to her. Jessica screen captures them and wants to call them memories, because forever doesn’t last, but it’s something in their words that makes her hold back.

I’ll always be there for you. No, wait, all of us will be there for you!

Is that really true?

She curls up on her bed and stares at the text for a little while longer. Is this really true?

She wants to ask, but her fingers type a happier response, something that’ll sound as if she isn’t crying.

No, she isn’t crying at all.

She’s not. But she pushes aside her phone and faces the wall. She wants to stop thinking, wants to stop feeling. She doesn’t want to see anyone right now, and she’s beginning to think if she’ll ever be accepted.

If she were to grow up one day, and marry and have kids. Would she love her husband the way she loves Tiffany? Would she turn away just to be accepted and live the rest of life not knowing what this feeling is?

Can she do that? Is she strong enough?

“Jessi? Go to sleep, it’s nearly midnight,” soft fingers weave through her hair and the bed dips a little behind her. “You’re tired. Go sleep.”

She feels warmth pressed against her back, and she sinks in a little. Tiffany presses a kiss to the side of Jessica’s head and lies back down to sleep.

She doesn’t say anything, doesn’t respond.

“Don’t listen to them. They just don’t understand.”

Jessica is mute right now, and doesn’t react to the gentle tugging of her hem and at her hair.

“It’ll go away someday. It’ll be over soon.”

Tiffany continues to talk like she knows what Jessica feels. But she doesn’t. She doesn’t understand how it feels like to be judged and pushed away by the group of friends that she wants to open up to.

It makes her ask if there really is anyone out there, if there’s anyone willing to listen.

Anyone that’s not Tiffany.

She cries that night, while Tiffany holds on to her and says nothing. Not a word.

She cries for the both of them, and asks Tiffany if she knows what a breaking point is, or what it feels like. But it’s like asking a person how death feels like.

It’s something Tiffany hasn’t gone through. It’s the point of no return.

~+~

“What’s in there?” they’re passing it around and Jessica eyes it cautiously, a smile at her lips to prevent any suspicion.

“Nothing,” she says, but their eyes narrow like they don’t believe her.

“Really?”

“Yes. Now please give it back.”

“Why are you hiding so many things?”

It’s the same question. They’re asking her to open up more, to fully reveal herself.

Do they really want that? Will they like what they see?

Will they read through everything she has in her thumb-drive and their lips will curl in distaste and they’ll hide things from Jessica? Will they leave her?

Jessica’s fingers are reaching for the small red device, but they won’t give it to her.

They keep on playing with her, and she it’s a game she doesn’t know how to play. She thinks she’ll die, and she starts to ask God why she’s made that way.

If this is wrong, if I am wrong, why am I made this way?

~+~

She’s calling for help, but no one’s listening to her.

“Jessi?”

Tiffany is calling her and she looks to her right, looks at Tiffany and starts to smile.

“Yes?”

“You’re very quiet.”

“I’m just tired.”

“Okay,” the bare whisper leaves Tiffany’s lips, and it makes Jessica wish she hadn’t said that.

Tiffany understands her, only Tiffany.

~+~

They’re talking about graduation, talking about how they’re not good at keeping in touch with old friends from old schools.

Jessica’s just staring at the screen, holding her phone.

Maybe she just wants to be forgotten and live a new life somewhere else. Go to the Himalayas, see Greece, breathe fresh air. With Tiffany by her side.

“Tiff, let’s go for a holiday.”

“But we’re in the middle of a semester.”

Jessica’s tone doesn’t waver. “Let’s go for a holiday.”

“Okay,” Tiffany falters softly. “Where do you want to go?”

Paradise.

“I want to go to Amsterdam. It’s spring now.”

“Amsterdam?”

“Yes, please.”

“Okay. I’ll get the tickets by Wednesday.”

Jessica leans in and kisses Tiffany’s brow, moisture at the corners of her eyes because she’s sorry she has to drag Tiffany along with her, because the girl has still so much to live for.

“Thank you. I love you.”

She hears Tiffany’s soft chuckle and her heart cowers more. “I love you too.”

“Let’s go to Lisbon after that.”

“Sure, Jessi.”

“Let’s never come back.”

When Tiffany agrees, Jessica swears she’s going to love Tiffany right, and she’s never going to break her like she has been. She swears Tiffany deserves a better life, but she knows Tiffany doesn’t want a better life.

“You’re all I have now.”

Finally. Leaving for paradise.

—ジュリエット