After

 

March 7, 2011

1,2,3,4… The elevator dinged as it reached the fourth floor. The silver door split open and I stepped out of it, feeling the soft carpet. Dirty red designed with peach pastel lines, the housekeeper surely hasn’t vacuumed for almost two months. My heart was beating like crazy and my palms were sweating so much. My knees were trembling as I walked past three rooms and reached number 404. 

I made a deep breath as I faced the white wooden door. I tried to calm myself down. I wasn’t sure if I really had to tell him. But what can I do? I’m here and I must do it.

"This is it." I whispered to myself. 

I lifted my right hand up preparing to make three light knocks. 

"No." I told myself. I thought I could do it.

I slowly put my hand down and placed both on my pockets. I tried to hold my tears back. This is not the right time, I suppose. 

 

Before

 

January 9, 2011

 

My name is Do Kyungsoo. There is nothing much you need to know about me. But there is one thing for sure; I am dying.

I am certain about it as I look through my papers. My name was pretty written by my psychiatrist. 

Do Kyungsoo.

I literally cried the moment I knew I was sick. I will soon leave this world of misery. I have 2 months to live, to be exact. 

But that's not the big deal. I have something more serious than this.

###

 

​Do you know? Today’s a great Monday. I call almost everyday great no matter how sad it is, knowing I have 2 months left. I do my daily routine like any ordinary person. I wake up, take a shower, go to work, and everything else follows. I was a singer at a local bar. I usually worked on evenings until midnight. But, I quit my job ater I knew I was sick. I was tired of it, and I thought I should rest and live life the way I like it. I'm trying to fix everything before I say goodbye. I want to try everything I haven't, not until...

 

December 23, 2010

 

It was a cold night in December. I was working at the bar I used to work in from four to eleven. I wasn't feeling really well. But anyway, I worked until 2:00 AM that night. 

After I sang, I immediately sat on the bar and cooled myself up. I drank my usual glass of soju. 

"I'm Jongin." A stranger who is disturbingly familiar showed up and introduced himself. He was wearing black sleeves and gray tight pants. He had and average height of a 17 year old man and had dark skin and dark hair. His outfit made him look even darker.

"I'm sorry, but do I know you?" I asked, curiously raising my right brow. He laughed as he drank a shot of soju. His laugh was even more familiar. 

“You’re joking right, Kyungsoo?” His eyes looked like he was serious. He lit up a cigarette and refilled his glass for another shot.

He knew my name—Kyungsoo—and my face, but I couldn’t recognize him in turn.

I remained silent and tried to recall. Do I have friends? I tried to recall. My answer? No. I honestly don't have friends. Do acquaintances count? 

“I- I’m really sorry.” I shook my head with embarrassment and looked down playing with my glass.

“We even talked last night, remember?” The man showed me a selca we made which I believe was taken from last night. We really did meet. 

“Not even… this?” The smoke from his cigarette were making circles in the air. It made me really dizzy and weak. Then he held my hand, doing a smirk.  His hands were unbelievably cold. .It was awkward for a man to do that, so I immediately let go and drank the bottle of soju instead of the drink on my glass.

Who is he? Why is he trying to do? What does he mean?

I was asking a lot of questions in my head. What exactly happened last night? Why didn't I remember anything?

 

December 22, 2010

 

This was the last happiest day of my life before everything happened. I was heading to my pyschiatrist, Dr. Kris Wu,  that morning.  I did my daily routine; woke up, took a shower, and everything else followed. But it was a weekend so I didn't have to go to work. Everything was set, and I drove my car to his clinic. I'm glad there was no traffic at all.

It was a perfect morning, not until I saw my psychiatrist's frowning face. He greeted me as I entered his room and offered me to sit down. His clinic had a big room that had everything colored white. I wonder why most doctors love white so much. It looked pretty clean and neat with the color. I love how the plants and flower vases made a little bit contrast  to the area. 

But then I was curious about my results, and more curious about why he had those expressions. He told me to sit and wait. He was really feeling upset, or maybe he wasn't feeling really well. I was sitting comfortably on the couch, waiting as what he ordered me to do. 

He returned with documents on his hands. I was guessing those were the results. His face was extremely sad, but I seemed not to care. I stood up and he told me to read the papers.

Streptoccoccus pneumoniae.

I really had no idea what it meant. Kris said I have pneumonia and that caused it. I was speechless for a moment, and then I shed a tear. He said I have three months left, or less.

What did I do wrong?

I didn't know what to do. I almost crumpled the papers from anger. Who am I even angry at? Myself? I don't smoke at all. I am a happy person. Although I don't have a lot of friends, I am perfectly contented with my life. I love who I am, not until I knew I would die soon.

##

Like I said, this was the last normal day of my life and at the same time the worst. Now I knew why my Kris had a very big frown on his face.

I want to forget this day. 

I went to the bar I worked at that night and intoxicated myself with soju. I still couldn't believe what happened this day. There I met this guy who said his name was Kim Jongin. 

"You're quite strong, huh. (You) broke up with your girl?" Jongin sat beside the chair I was sitting on, signaling the bartender for a bottle.

I remained silent and continued drinking. I was ignoring everything around me, thinking about how I could handle my life with this pneumonia I have. My head was spinning, so I couldn't think straight. I could only see a blurry vision of a man. His perfume was quite unique and he had a deep voice.

"By the way, I'm Kim Jongin." He offered me a handshake but I still ignored him.

"You're drunk." he said as he stopped my hand from raising my glass. 

"Why do you even care?" I insisted and took a sip. 

Jongin did not answer me but instead he stood up and dragged me on the dance floor. His hand was totally locked on mine, but I didn't care at all. My soju spilled on my shirt, but because I was drunk I didn't mind getting wet. 

"Oops, sorry. You're wet. Let me dry it for you." Jongin smirked as he crumpled his naughty pretty fingers on my shirt and squeezed the soju out of it. My senses were going crazy. My vision was blurry and the speakers were booming on my ears. Jongin danced with me the whole midnight and his moves were extremely y.

What exactly am I doing with a guy? 

"Shh... you're drunk, so you'll probably forget this tomorrow." He whispered to my ear as he carried me away to paradise. 

######

 

January 11, 2011

 

It's a day before my birthday, but I already received a call from Jongin. I was supposed to visit Kris that morning when Jongin suddenly invited me for lunch. I knew he had planned this all along.

##

"Surprise!" Jongin greeted me with a smile as he saw me approaching to his seat. He was wearing a birthday hat and prepared me a cake with three red candles.

"You look stupid with that hat. Give it to me! It's my birthday." I told him as I stole the birthday hat from his head.

"No way! It's also my birthday, remember? Mine's on the 14th but you're only two days ahead." 

"Fine."

We were celebrating our birthdays ahead because Jongin will be leaving Korea tonight. He has a special training on ballet dancing for two months, and when he returns there's a big possibility he won't be able to see me again. I haven't told him about my illness because I know that would just hurt him. 

I sat down beside him and held his hand. This might be the last time I could do that.

"Let's make a wish." I told him as I held his hand tighter,  and we both closed our eyes.

 

"I wish we could stay forever like this. I wish I had more time to be with him, and more time to tell him about my sickness. I wish I could live longer so I could love him more."

 

As soon as we were done making our wishes, we both blew the candles. A plume of dark currents were swirling upward before the three red candles. I hope blowing these candles could make our wishes come true.

"What did you wish for?" I asked.

"A secret will not work if I tell it to anyone." 

"By the way, I have prepared something for you." Jongin gave me a present wrapped in a purple box. I took it from his hand and opened it with excitement.

It was a purple clock. He knows I have a clock at home but why did he give me another one?

"Why a clock?" I curiously asked.

"It's not just an ordinary clock. I've specially made that for us. It'll stop after two moths, on the time I'll exactly arrive." 

The box did not only contain a clock, but also a couple ring. I swear I wanted to kill myself at the moment for pitying  him so much. I cannot assure him , for I am not certain about how much time I have left. We took a picture together so we could remember that day. I felt sadness and happiness at the same time. If only I could apologize after he comes back. But I'm a coward for not having enough courage to tell him.

I am stupid.

 

March 7, 2011.

 

[Kris' POV]

1,2,3,4… The elevator dinged as it reached the fourth floor. The silver door split open and I stepped out of it, feeling the soft carpet. Dirty red designed with peach pastel lines, the housekeeper surely hasn’t vacuumed for almost two months. My heart was beating like crazy and my palms were sweating so much. My knees were trembling as I walked past three rooms and reached number 404. 

I made a deep breath as I faced the white wooden door. I tried to calm myself down. I wasn’t sure if I really had to tell Kyungsoo. But what can I do? I’m here and I must do it.

"This is it." I whispered to myself. 

I lifted my right hand up preparing to make three light knocks. 

"No." I told myself. I thought I could do it.

I slowly put my hand down and placed both on my pockets. I tried to hold my tears back.

I walked away, knowing that someone will be dying five minutes from now. 

I guess it is better for him not to know.

##

[Kyungsoo's POV]

Three long hours and I have been waiting the clock to stop. It was the purple one, hung below the old ceiling which had its blue paint faded off. I remembered Jongin gave me that clock as a present during my 18th birthday. I gaze at the frame of the three year old picture of us just below it, with him smiling happily like a child while I had no expressions at all. His right arm was clung to my shoulders, and I noticed the ring on his finger. Those were good memories, good times.

I tried to recall that moment while lying on my soft bed. 

I realized I have been awake for quite a long time. I could barely move and my body was numb. My eyes were too tired to blink, and my throat was as dry as a bone. 

Time is fast approaching. I knew I would die soon. I don't know exactly when. Maybe today? Maybe later? Maybe tomorrow? 

 

 

I am afraid.  

I am stupid.

I am a coward.

What if he returns home finding my dead body lying on this bed? 

I realized I was just killing time. So I decided to write a note to him.

Fifty-five, fifty-four, fifty-three, fifty- two, fifty-one. . The hands of the clock seemed to move faster than it used to. It must be because I feel so dizzy right now. But, the time ran out.

 

I took my last... deep... breath.

I knew it.

 

##

Jongin was late for almost a minute. He saw my dead body lying on my bed. I knew it. He didn't even make a call. He must have wanted to surprise me. But everything's too late. He picked up the note I wasn't able to finish. He started shedding tears as he read:

 

Dear Kim Jongin,

 

I'm sorry for not telling you earlier. I have this disease and I was stupid for not telling you. I'm writing this letter because I think I cannot make it.

But all I can say is thank you. Thank you for your time.

I'm sorry if I can't love you until the end. Please find the person who can love you forever. I'm sure that person will make you happy.

Please take care of yourself.  I hope you won't forget me. 

Just treat me as someone you know in the past. Treat me like a memory. 

I love y