hello my lovely adorable lovely deers,

I know I have been literally dead on AFF for MONTHS, SINCE 2014 OH MY GOD. i'm so sorry for everyone who made requests that I never completed, I always end up closing requests before I've finished all of them and I HATE THIS FEELING. I never knew I could be so grateful for people who are actually interested in what I create. I put myself out there on AFF for the first time when I was around 12/13 years old and every single request I received made me so so so happy. i never thought I'd get to the point where I would have too many requests that I'd have to close requests within a day! I had 0 confidence in my photoshop skills, 0-2 friends and -2232 business skills. 

I remember the first time I saw my favourite graphic poster shop on AFF when I was around 12. I think it was for the poster shop surreptitious love, by a girl named angela (hopefully you guys remember her?). I think I commented ONCE on her shop because I was too shy, but I spent sososoos many hours just browsing through every thing she made, idolizing her and wanting to be like her. At that time, I had never touched photoshop ever. To this day, surreptitious love is still one of my favourite shops, even though she closed down and removed all of her art. I really regret never speaking to her or thanking her for inspiring me to start making graphics. This whole paragraph is completely irrelevant, I'm just feeling sentimental about everything bc I love everything so much.

I know everyone says AFF is a site full of dramatic kpop fans who just hate on other bands, but I never received anything but love from this site. I love you guys so much, you can't imagine it. I'm just thinking about how many hours I would spend trying to get your posters perfect, and to see you commenting about how much you liked them, to see actual designers telling me that they wanted to make designs like mine??? i was like AM I DREAMING?? 

To be honest, I haven't been on AFF for half a year because I was trying to grow out of K-Pop. Luhan and Kris leaving EXO really, really hurt me. I didn't want to be near K-Pop and I didn't want to think about it and I couldn't even watch any of the new mvs (haven't even watched Call Me Baby ooops). The thing is, I always loved making graphics, but I didn't know how to use that medium. What would I make? What design should I do??? Because of all your requests that ranged from fluffy and bubbly to dark and angsty, I developed photoshop skills that I never knew I had. you guys gave me a REASON to make art. 

around last year, I started thinking that this whole K-pop phase was just too childish for me. Making posters for fanfiction??? Was that what I wanted to do with my life??? I don't even like k-pop anymore! WHAT AM ID OING. < that was literally me for half a year.

I thought I would focus on my assignments and schoolwork, and I am. But I miss you guys sosososo 

sososooso so

so

sso

much.

((who is actually reading this far this is LITERALLY 2.5k words oh my god)))

I guess what you're looking for is whether or not I'm continuing to make k-pop graphics on AFF or not. and the answer is this:

maybe. 

sort of.

I would like to. I'm always surprised at the amount of love I receive from you guys. I can't believe people ACTUALLY look at what I make.

I think I tried to bury k-pop in my past, but it's really a part of who I am and how I grew as a person. Without k-pop i would not know a thing about photoshop, I wouldn't be able to write, I wouldn't be able to fantasize about beautiful people. Honestly, I'm not going to get back into k-pop. I won't buy albums or listen to their songs or write fanfiction (maybe). But I would like to support you guys with your beautiful stories about the people you love. I think that's what's really beautiful about kpop, everyone comes together because of their love (usually). 

So, if you would STILL like a poster from me after 23493 years, I would love to help you guys out. I'm hoping I'll still get one person. I'm hoping I won't get 999000. I want to help all of you and I want to make things for all of you too :( I really wish I had more hands and more time. Tbh, I haven't touched photoshop since I left you guys. And I want to get back to that!!! 

If you want to make a request:

send me a PM about your story. tell me about the characters, what you're looking for, whatever. Just tell me about it. If I'm free, if I like your story, I'll message you back saying that I might want you to submit a form to my crappy form site thing that has probably expired and I've probably forgotten the password to. or maybe i'll just work with your explanation and do w/e. i'll make it as soon as possible. If I don't have the time to make you a poster, if I have too many, I'll probably reply back to you saying something like I'm sorry I don't have the time!!*!** please don't be sad :( i don't want to have 899887 long waiting list again. I don't want to give anyone expectations, there's a high chance I won't make you a poster. but if you want me to, just as a small side thing, I definitely want to help you out. 

I started writing this with the intention of closing Lovely Deer down for good, but as I started writing I realised that I JUST CAN'T CLOSE THIS PART OF MY LIFE FOREVER GUYS IM SOS SORRY I HOPE ALL OF MY SUBSCRIBERS ARE STILL ALIVE N HEALTHY AND WELL.... DON'T HATE ME FOR ABANDONING YOU 29999 TIMES 

this is such an unhealthy relationship pls accept me back into ur lives