-Midnight and Stay a While-

by: swabluu

two

I froze. The world seemed to shatter into pieces as Yi Fan’s words pierced into the air, and I couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe in my shock. He stared at me with his eyebrows raised, a slight hint of amusement in his expression, but all I could think was no, no, no over and over again in my mind as I stumbled back, losing my balance.

Immediately, Yi Fan reached forward to steady me, but I shoved his hands away and “get away from me and don’t touch me” burst out angrily from my lips as I stepped back. How did he know? I had fooled everyone I had met in my life so far. I hid it well—no, I hadn’t around Yi Fan. He had caught me off guard and I had foolishly thought that I could distance myself from him.

We stared at each other for a few moments in silence, before Yi Fan opened his mouth to speak again—but I couldn’t let him speak. I couldn’t, because his words were destructive and harsh, and if he said anything else, everything I had spent my life building up would crumble to dust at my feet. So I did the only thing I could think of in my panicked train of thought: I stepped forward and clamped my hand over his mouth, despite the fact that I had just told him to get away from me.

His eyes widened slightly as my fingers met his lips, and he slowly reached up with his right hand to gently clasp my wrist. I flinched, but I didn’t let go in the fear that he would start talking again. “Don’t say anything,” I said softly, trembling from my mixed up emotions that I couldn’t make out. “Don’t say anything and just go. Go. Don’t come back.”

Yi Fan let go of my wrist and stepped back, his lips shut as he watched me with an unreadable expression on his face. I took my hand away and he took another step back, towards the door. I began to relax as he slowly turned around, and for a moment, it actually seemed like he was going to leave without saying anything, that he was going to leave and never come back. But as he reached for the doorknob, he seemed to stiffen, and before I could react, he spoke. “So it’s true?”

I could have broken down and cried at that moment, because his words shot directly through my heart and it almost physically hurt. I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t speak anymore, because he had rendered me completely speechless. It wasn’t true that sticks and stones could break my bones and that words would never hurt me. Yi Fan’s words destroyed me more than any physical injury could ever harm me.

He continued, taking advantage of my silence. “Do you know why I was attracted to you when I first saw you? Do you know why I’m still attracted to you now? I told you already—there’s something about you that draws me to you. And I thought about it after you left a week ago. There was something different about you. When we were talking. Something that reminded me of myself. And I thought, maybe it’s because you’re like me. Maybe it’s because you’ve got something wrong with your mind too.”

Maybe it’s because you’ve got something wrong with your mind too. The words clicked inside my head and I finally shook off the numb shock I had fallen into. I grabbed for the closest object next to me, a porcelain vase I had found once at a sale years ago. Yi Fan had to go. He had to go, because the longer he stayed, the more helpless I felt, and helplessness was dangerous. “Stop talking,” I said as calmly as I could, not willing to reveal how shaken I was by his statement. “Go.”

He turned around and watched me with a trace of surprise as he took in the vase I was holding. “Just tell me if it’s true, and I’ll go.”

It was the final straw. I hurled the vase at him, and he stepped to the side just in time to avoid the object colliding with his face. The vase shattered harmlessly against the wall, the porcelain falling in pieces at Yi Fan’s feet. I didn’t wait for him to react, and grabbed the next closest thing I could find—a heavy book on the table. “I’m not answering. If you don’t go, I’ll also throw this at you.”

The corners of his lips curled up into a smirk and he laughed mirthlessly. “I didn’t expect you to be this violent. So I’m assuming that it’s true?” And before I could react, he opened the door of my apartment and walked outside. The door closed behind him and I could hear his footsteps as he strode away.

I dropped the book and it landed with a thump on the floor. It was then that I sank slowly to the floor, staring blankly at the shards of porcelain on my floor, because only now that Yi Fan had left did I realize that secretly, I didn’t want him to go, because in my entire life, he was the only person I had ever met who could understand me.

Pages and pages of magazines were scattered across my table after a few hours, and I stared vacantly at the screen of my laptop, where multiple tabs were open on anything I could think up of to search. I had circled multiple passages of text in the magazines with a red pen, and in my hazed thoughts, they seemed to be dark lines of blood soaking through the paper.

I shook my head and tried to remain focused. It wasn’t blood. It was just yet another hallucination, because I was too stressed and distraught. They tended to happen whenever I was anxious or too tired. All I had to do with calm down and maybe take a nap so when I woke up I’d feel a lot better and maybe forget about Yi Fan.

It was no use. I looked down at all the research I had been doing, research on Yi Fan and exactly who he was, and the thing was, I hadn’t gotten anywhere other than the fact that he was the son of the CEO of Wu Enterprises. There obviously had been a successful effort to keep news of Yi Fan’s mental illness away from the media, because it was obvious he had it, yet I could not find a single mention of it.

I couldn’t get Yi Fan out of my head, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. The feeling of being kissed by him, of talking to him clung to my thoughts, and it was driving me to a point of desperation, because I wanted to see him again and yet I didn’t.

I didn’t know what I felt about him anymore, and it made me feel insecure, as if I was standing on the edge of a cliff with nothing to protect me and no way to step back.  

No matter what, I couldn’t forget about Yi Fan, and I found myself subconsciously wandering around the entrance of Wu Enterprises in the days that followed, not quite daring to go inside after all that had happened. Part of me hoped that Yi Fan was around, but another part of me hoped that he wasn’t, because I didn’t know what to do if he actually saw me. I wasn’t sure if I really truly wanted to see Yi Fan, or if it was better if he stayed out of my life. I couldn’t explain the attraction I felt for him, but I understood that there was a high chance that nothing good would come out of it.

Ten days after Yi Fan had appeared at my apartment, I was just leaving the entrance of Wu Enterprises, having spent a good hour pacing outside and trying to figure out why the heck I was even there, when someone came up behind me and murmured into my ear, “So you couldn’t stay away from me?”

I gave a start, but didn’t turn around. Surprisingly, there was no one else on the street despite the constantly crowded streets of Beijing, and it was quite obvious that Yi Fan was standing behind me. “Depends on how you see it,” I said evenly, trying to hide the sudden increase in my heartbeat and the flustered emotion I seemed to be feeling. “I was just passing by.”

“Like you’ve been passing by for the past week or so? Like you’ve been pacing back and forth in front of the building for the past hour? I’ve been watching you, Lian Hua. You don’t need to pretend.” His voice was low and amused in my ear, and I shivered involuntarily as his hands circled around my arms and pulled me towards him. “Come with me,” he added softly, although it wasn’t as if I had a choice when he took my hand and dragged me with him. I considered resisting him, but what was the point of that if I wanted to go with him?

Yi Fan led me behind a building, in a secluded alleyway, where he let go of my hand and said slowly, “I have a favor to ask of you.”

“Favor?” I asked cautiously, feeling rather self-conscious as he stared at me, his eyes piercing and captivating. I shrugged and tried to appear as nonchalant as possible. “What is it?”

“The business has a formal party in a few days. I want you to go with me.”

“Why?” I watched him suspiciously, not sure where he was going with his question.

“Because. My father believes I can’t go around this world without the help of others, that I won’t be able to help the business because I have no social skills or something.” Yi Fan chuckled humorlessly. “Go with me. I want to prove that he’s wrong.”

“And why should I?” I asked. “Won’t your father recognize me? I don’t think it’s a good idea after what happened. And why should I do this for you?”

He regarded me with an unreadable expression in his eyes, then suddenly hugged me, pressing me to him closely and burying his face in my hair. “Let’s play a game,” he mumbled, wrapping his arms firmly around my back. “If I guess what you mental illness you have, then you’ll go to the party with me.”

“Get off,” I snapped, but my words came out hesitant and faltering, because to be honest, it was quite comfortable and nice to be in Yi Fan’s arms. I took a shaky breath, then nodded slightly. There was no way he would be able to guess and find out. “Fine.”

“So what are your symptoms?” Yi Fan began, running his fingers through my hair. I tensed, the feeling foreign and altogether not unpleasant.

“Why should I tell you? I didn’t say I was going to tell you anything.”

“Because of this,” Yi Fan murmured, his breath tickling my face as he leaned down and lightly kissed my jaw. “And this.” He planted a trail of kisses across my throat and up my chin until his lips were mere centimeters in front of mine, a teasing smile hovering on them. “Now will you answer?”

I gripped his arms, partly on instinct, partly because I wasn’t sure if I could stand without falling because it did not feel like my knees could support me at the moment. A flush rose in my face and I looked down, trying to hide my expression. “Then let me tell you this. There’s no way you can find out.”

“Why?” The teasing smile hadn’t faded. He was still looking at me with amusement, but now there was a hint of confusion in his expression.

I smiled, enjoying the words I was about to say. “Because I don’t know myself.”

He stepped back abruptly, grasping my shoulders as he looked into my eyes. “You don’t know?”

“Do you think I’d go and ask someone to analyze it?” The words I had repressed for years spilled out of my mouth, tumbling into the air without stop. There was something about Yi Fan that made me want to tell him everything, made me want to trust him, because he was the only person I knew who would understand me. “If people knew, they’d lock me up somewhere. I can’t have that happen. You should know. I haven’t made friends with anyone in years. I haven’t trusted anyone for years. I haven’t had proper conversations. Always living in the fear that someone will find out and that I’ll be taken away. That’s why I wanted you to go. You tore down everything I had built around myself, and I was afraid because it made me feel exposed, vulnerable.”

There was something gentle in Yi Fan’s expression as he relaxed his grip, and when he spoke again, his voice was soft and devoid of any mocking or teasing. “So does this mean that you trust me?”

I nodded reluctantly. “I suppose.”

He smiled, a genuine smile that lit up his face, and I was reminded of a misunderstood, confused and lost boy under the impulsive and arrogant man. “I promise I won’t let anyone take you away, okay? But please, go to the party with me. No matter how many times you tell me to go away, I’m pretty sure that you want to be around me. We’re attracted to each other, because we’re alike. So come to the party with me, and we’ll talk it out. I’ll listen to you. Also, because you owe me since you rudely threw a vase at me the last time we met.”

“Talk it out about what?”

“Us.” He tilted his head to the side and looked at me questioningly. “You know. What we’re going to do about us, since we keep on running into each other, and the outcome usually ends up being somewhat awkward.”

“You’re the one keeps on kissing me,” I muttered, then realized too late what I had said. Yi Fan leaned forward until our eyes were level with each other and laughed quietly.

“Is that a hint?” His tone was playful, kind. It was too easy to fall into the false lull of promises and trust, but it was so tempting, and I was sick of turning away all the time. For this once, I was going to let myself relax and rely on someone else for a change, because this time, there was actually someone to rely upon.

“No,” I said, reaching up to take his hands, “but I’ll go to the party with you.”

There was no hint of the Yi Fan who had promised that he wouldn’t let anyone take me away when I met him at the entrance of Wu Enterprises three days later. He was back to the aloof person he usually was, and when I walked up to him, he merely nodded and took my hand, leading me inside the building, into a room to the side of the main lobby where a crowd of people gathered around tables, drinking glasses of what I perceived to be wine.

As we passed the CEO, he gave me a startled glance, but Yi Fan gave his father a long look, and the CEO turned away, mouth pressed firmly into a frown. But he didn’t say anything, and I was grateful for that.

Yi Fan led me to a table in the corner of the room, where there was no one else around, and we sat across from each other. I watched him for a few moments, waiting for him to begin speaking, but when he didn’t say anything, I looked down at the table and began instead. “So?”

He was silent for a few more moments before sighing. “I really don’t want to be here.”

I looked up at him, surprised. “Why?”

Yi Fan shrugged, tapping his fingers lightly against the tabletop. “I don’t like business parties. My father thinks that I have to attend all of them so that the entire world can see that I exist or something. It’s ridiculous. Anyways. We were going to talk about us, weren’t we?” He looked around the room, then shook his head. “Too many people here. Let’s go outside. I’ll think up of an excuse.”

He stood up and I followed, although something in the back of my mind was nagging me. There was something wrong about how Yi Fan was acting, but I couldn’t quite place what.

It was around eight in the evening, but the sky was still quite bright since it was in the middle of summer. We walked along the back of the building, and the entire time, Yi Fan looked almost thoughtful, which was beginning to worry me. There was something off about him, something wrong. I just couldn’t figure out what and why.

“So what do you suggest we do?” Yi Fan stopped walking and turned to face me, leaving me in a slightly awkward position as I was stuck between him and the wall of the building.

“About us?” When he nodded, I frowned. “To tell the truth, I don’t know. Does there have to be anything between us?”

Yi Fan smiled humorlessly. “We can’t be enemies because we end up looking for each other. I certainly don’t act like just a friend. What do you suppose we should be?”

A sort of horrible realization dawned on me and I stared at him, not sure whether to be angry or to laugh. “Are you trying to force my suggestion? You want us to be together? As lovers? Boyfriend, girlfriend. That sort of thing?”

“Do you have a better suggestion?”

I didn’t, but that didn’t mean Yi Fan’s idea made any sense. I couldn’t think of us in that way, but he was right. We were attracted to each other, and we couldn’t be enemies. Friends would work, but I doubted that Yi Fan would keep to acting as merely a friend. But as a couple? It was something I couldn’t really fathom.

“No, but—” I began, but something in Yi Fan’s expression made me pause. The feeling that there was something wrong came back, and I began to have an inkling of an idea to what it was. “Yi Fan, do you usually take medicine or something to suppress the symptoms?”

He didn’t have to ask what I was talking about. “Yes.”

“Did you take your medicine today?” I held my breath, hoping for the answer that I knew he wouldn’t say.

He paused, then slowly shook his head. “No.”

It was exactly what I thought. “What happens…what happens when you don’t?” I asked fearfully, trying to back away, only to discover that my back was against the wall.

“Do you want to know?” Yi Fan stepped forward, until he was standing right in front of me, our arms nearly touching. I swallowed nervously, trying to press myself against the wall in a fruitless effort to avoid him. “You were right. I have this problem with control. I’ve been trying to keep it suppressed the entire day.” He leaned closer, until our foreheads were touching, and pressed his lips gently to my cheek. “This is what happens when I want you and I can’t control myself.”

“What are you doing—” I stopped as Yi Fan traced a finger down the side of my face. Oh.

“Keep still,” he mumbled quietly, trailing kisses along my collarbone as he pushed me even more into the wall. I caught my breath, unconsciously grabbing and hanging on to the hem of Yi Fan’s suit. I felt him smile against my throat as he trailed up and kissed me under my chin. Somehow, his hands found mine and he began trace intoxicating circles on the insides of my wrists.

Then our lips met and I forgot about his hands. It wasn’t like the kisses we had before—there was none of the gentleness as Yi Fan ran his tongue over my bottom lip and forced my mouth open. His kiss was forceful, messy even, but I couldn’t find the strength to make him stop, because I didn’t want it to stop.

We broke apart for air, and Yi Fan looked at me with a half-crazed look in his eyes, and I had to remind myself that this was Yi Fan when he didn’t have any medication to control himself, when he couldn’t control what he was doing. It didn’t matter. I reached for his tie and began undoing it; he seemed to get the idea the same time as I did because he began fumbling at the buttons on my blouse.

This isn’t what I need right now. The thought startled me and I lost my grip on Yi Fan’s tie, my fingers resting on his shoulders instead. I tried to push his arms away, but he didn’t seem to notice. Finally, I saw no other way and kicked him as hard as I could. My foot connected with his shin and Yi Fan staggered back, surprise in his expression as he let go of me.

I stood there against the wall, breathing rapidly as I tried to figure out what to do next. This wasn’t what I wanted at the moment. I didn’t need physical comfort; I needed someone to understand me, someone to talk to. I had let down my guard for Yi Fan, but at this moment, I didn’t know what to think anymore. I wanted to trust him, but I had gone for so long without trusting anyone that I was now questioning if it was too late to turn back, because I didn’t know if I could truly trust him.  

The crazed look had disappeared from Yi Fan’s eyes and he stepped forward hesitantly, his breathing ragged as he looked at me. “I’m sorry,” he said hoarsely, “I didn’t mean to do that—”

I ducked his outstretched arm and ran, blindly, without any sense of direction. All I knew was that I had get away from Yi Fan, away from my confusion and mixed up emotions, because it had been so long since I last had gotten so close with someone that it was much too overwhelming for me to handle anymore.

“Lian Hua!” I heard him call, over and over again, as I ran, “Lian Hua!” He sounded so broken and lost that I had to cover my ears with my hands because if I listened to him say my name one more time I was sure I would turn around and run back to him. A tear fell from my eye, leaving a glistening trail as it trickled down my cheek, but I continued running.

I cried, for myself, for Yi Fan.  

It was hours later before I finally stopped running and walking, and collapsed onto a bench in a park. I didn’t know where I was, but I was still in the city, so I could just call a taxi at any time and get home.

I had finally stopped crying and now all I felt was a sort of numbness as I gazed blankly down at the ground, scuffling my shoes around as I tried to think about what to do next. I could just go home and forget about everything, forget about Yi Fan. But I couldn’t do that—I had already tried, and it didn’t work. I couldn’t just forget about him. It was no use, because I always ended up going back to him. Yet what was I supposed to do after everything that had happened?

Yi Fan’s voice calling out my name echoed in my head, and I forced myself to think about it. Now that I was calmer, I could actually think more clearly about what had happened, how desolate Yi Fan had sounded. The image of him smiling gently at me flashed through my mind, and I thought of how vulnerable and kind he had seemed. All in all, Yi Fan was just misunderstood and cast away from society…like me.

Was it some sort of fate that we met? He was the first person who understood me, understood what I was. He was the only person I began to trust. He was the only person I wanted to be with at the moment. I had been too overwhelmed by everything that had happened earlier on, but now I couldn’t think of life without Yi Fan.

So maybe we were meant to be. Maybe we were attracted to each other because inside, we knew that we could help each other, maybe even love each other. I stood up shakily from the bench, eyes widening as I reached my conclusion.

I called over the first taxi I could see on the street, thankful that I had brought my wallet with me. I told the driver to take me to the apartment of the son of the CEO of Wu Enterprises, and hurriedly stuffed a handful of bills into the driver’s hands when he stopped in front of a large apartment complex, not bothering to count how much I was tipping him. Apparently it was a large amount because the driver was extremely helpful when I asked him for directions to Yi Fan’s apartment.

“Take two rights, then a left, and you should be standing in front of the building,” he said pleasantly. “Third floor, I believe. You can’t miss it.”

When I got to the apartment, I had to agree. I couldn’t miss it, no matter what, because there was a large sign in front of it that announced in large letters, Residence of Wu Yi Fan. I had to smile slightly at the sign but it was more from nervousness than amusement as I began to wonder if I was doing the right thing. What if Yi Fan turned me away? He had every right to, after I left him during the party.

I walked quickly over the intercom system at the front entrance of the building and pressed the button for the third floor. There was a short pause, then Yi Fan’s voice came through the speakers. “Who is it?”

I took a deep breath and swallowed. “It’s me,” I said softly. “Lian Hua.”

There was a silence as I stared at the intercom anxiously, then I heard the click of the doors unlocking and the click of Yi Fan hanging up. I pushed past the doors and ran up the stairs, panting from exhaustion as I had spent the past few hours moving around the city.

I reached the landing of the third floor and slowed down, because Yi Fan was standing there, waiting for me with his arms crossed. The lighting was too dim to make out his expression as he watched me, but he had let me in the building, so I supposed he couldn’t be too angry.

“It’s midnight right now,” he said quietly when I reached him. “Did you stay out the entire time?”

I nodded and he sighed, moving forward as if to take my hand. At the very last moment, he seemed to reconsider, and drew back, nodding instead to the door of his apartment. “Come on in.”

“Wait.” I shook my head and looked directly at him, or at least, as directly as I could in the dim lighting. “I’ll say what I have to say first. I was thinking about your suggestion.”

Yi Fan stepped slightly towards me, but I still couldn’t read his expression. “The one I made during the party?”

“Yes.” I closed my eyes and took another deep breath. This was it. “I thought about it, and I’m sorry for running off during the party. I was just…feeling confused. About myself. But I’ve got it figured out now. And Yi Fan…” Here, I faltered, but I forced myself to continue. The sooner I got the words out, the better, because nothing was going to change Yi Fan’s response. “That suggestion you made…I’ll accept it. Because there’s a reason why we’re attracted to each other. Because…I think we’re meant for each other. I think we would fit together. Do you know what I mean?”

Another silence, during which I opened my eyes hesitantly. Yi Fan was staring at me, still with a blank expression on his face, and I looked nervously down at my feet. Finally, he spoke again. “It’s late. You can’t go home now. It’s not a good idea to wander around the city at night by yourself. It was dangerous coming here. You should have gone home immediately after the party.”

A sinking feeling began forming in my stomach, but then Yi Fan took my hand and gently curled his fingers around mine. “But I’m glad you came,” he continued. “Stay a while, won’t you? Actually, since you can’t go home now, you might as well stay over the entire night.” He pulled me towards him and kissed me softly on the lips, to my surprise. “Let’s go.”

I looked up at him, half in hope and half in disbelief, but he merely smiled and squeezed my hand. It wasn’t as if the stars were aligning in the heavens at the moment, and the lighting on the landing and stairway didn’t suddenly flare up brightly, but it was as if a spark had ignited between us.

I smiled back, and for the moment, we were just another normal couple in a normal life, and it felt like the entire world was laid out before me, with its infinite possibilities.

end

a/n: yay i finally finished this story and all its weirdness ._. actually tbh this was pretty fun to write. i also slapped myself in the face about a hundred times while writing this. i hope you’re happy, nyansuju ._. YOU OWE ME A LOT OF DONGHAE AND LAY BECAUSE I PHYSICALLY INJURED MYSELF BY SLAPPING MYSELF THE ENTIRE TIME WHILE WRITING THIS. ALSO BECAUSE I WROTE ALL OF THIS IN ONE DAY JUST FOR YOU. AND BECAUSE I BIT MYSELF SEVERAL TIMES BECAUSE I’M SELF-CANNIBALISTIC HUURRR D:

anywho, thanks to everyone for reading! I hope this story was at least somewhat interesting even though I cannot write romance and kiss scenes to save my life OTL excuse me while i run off to drool over my very lovely exo desktop wallpaper which includes a very attractive looking Kris

sorry for any grammatical mistakes i am too lazy to edit ;A;