Even his hands were perfect.  One of the many things you realize when you’ve shared rooms, meals and trained with someone for as long as we have.  His fingers are long and the knuckles smooth and when he writes, lyrics mostly, he holds the pen as if it’s the only thing keeping him here on earth.   

I watched those fingers grip the car door handle, ready to rip it open, as we waited for the van to come to a complete stop in front of our dorm.

“I’m showering first,” his deep voice announced as soon as we arrived.  I watched the back of his head break through the crew and disappear through the gate.

He is the oldest and the leader and no one questioned it, but thoughts of him in the shower make it hard for me to sit and eat the dinner we couldn't finish between the pre-recording for a music program and a radio interview.  My noodles were cold and clumped together in a pile that looked like brains— I choked them down with a sports drink while crossing and uncrossing my legs to hide the growth. 

Yongguk.  He did that to me.

I’ve seen him before, I’ve seen all of my group mates in the changing rooms or caught glimpses at home but the thought of Yongguk vulnerable, alone, dripping wet…  I slipped my unfinished boxed meal in the trash and headed for the door, close to bursting.  I could have waited.  Our showers have to be short, with so many people, but the thought of being in that steam filled stall right after him, was suffocating.  I needed air and distance from him.

Youngjae eyed me suspiciously as I passed him but said nothing.  If I’m gone for long enough the shower wass his, Daehyun had already used the last of his energy to climb onto his bunk and pass out, he was the next in line. Chocolate noona, our stylist, also shot me a curios look but quicky went back to pinning a pair of pants Zelo had outgrown.  I passed Jongup last; he sat at the corner of our living room with our shared cellphone glued to his ear.

“Of course, mama I always take care of my health,” he whispered as I passed.

Out the side door of our dorm there is a small path that led to the foot of a small mountain we  climb a lot before our debut and the madness that followed.  Now I used that path for cover: no other buildings came near it and there were two spots that I could claim when I need the privacy to clear my mind, jack-off... or both. 

It was dark but I’ve walked this path so much it didn’t take long before I reached my hiding spot.  It wasn’t a great place to hide during the day, it was only about two minutes up the path and in clear sight of the road but in the dark the trees provided enough cover for now.

I’d grown so hard that my skinny jeans were painful.  My left hand fumbled with the buttons, as my right roughly outlined the shape of my that was pinned along the right side of my jeans. When I twisted and pried myself free, I exhaled a sigh of relief but there wasn’t time for pleasantries and .  I spat into my hand and myself hard, twisting my wrist for maximum effect.  The night air was stagnant and the sound of my own ragged breaths broke the silence.

I tried desperately to keep my mind blank. Don’t think about him.  Don’t think about him.  But the more I chanted that mantra the more clearly Yongguk appeared. 

His collarbone…

The cuts of his abdomen…

The definition between his shoulder blades…

The sharpness of his cheekbones…

All the details that I had memorized in our time living together pushed me to the edge faster than I would have expected and when my breathing returned to normal I heard them, heavy and certain steps toward me.