One Year Station

 I am doomed to remember a girl with tears in her eyes but with a brave smile. As she bravely walks inside the terminal while stomping loudly out of my life. I have constantly replayed that memory in my head and wait patiently for her return, for it’s the only thing I could do. As life goes on, I am forever stuck in the recesses our past. Yes, as days and nights merge into one, and the season past quietly, I patiently count the days of her return, in hope, that she will still remember me.

I couldn’t hold her back, and even if I could, she has already made her choice. She was torn between me and her career somewhere far from me, I wanted to be selfish and hold her back, but I could never shackle her to a life where she can’t be happy. I saw how hard she wanted to see something in my eyes, pleading, as if begging me silently to hold her back . . . but I didn’t. For now, I’ll let her see me as a villain in our complicated love story.

I already knew that she was leaving before she even told me, I saw it in her eyes, the way she moved and talked to everyone around her as if telling her last “hello’s” and “goodbye’s” So for one night, I begged her to stay beside me and never leave me till dawn. I wanted to hold her, kiss her, and make love to her endlessly, passionately. She didn’t mind, I drove to beach and talked to her animatedly and shoved the words “I love you” at the back of my mind.

As we gaze quietly at the night sky, I held her tightly in my arms Afraid that she was just a figment of my imagination; afraid that everything was just hallucination. As if hearing my thoughts, she reached for my face and kissed me.

The kiss was the most wonderful sensation I have ever felt experienced. I have kissed a hundreds of girls, but her’s was completely the best. I wanted to stay in that moment. In fact, there are nights when I want to reenact that time and tell her a million things, selfish words coming from a selfish person.

But, I guess, when you love a person, being selfish is completely foreign. At the risk of sounding cliché, I wanted her to be happy, even if it meant that I have to live my life without her in it. She told me that she needed to go back to the other side of the continent, she told me her secrets, her fears, her dreams, sadly, I couldn’t do anything to help her. If only I had the power to make her stay by my side, but I don’t have anything to offer her, at least, not yet. She started to cry, and I hugged more tightly than before. She didn’t complain the way she usually does, I guess, she understood at that moment that seeing me again might be impossible for the near future. For that night, in that quiet beach with just a blanket to keep us warm, I felt like superman holding my own kryptonite.

Incidentally, the bus that arrived at the bus terminal to deliver us back to Seoul was “3G5-10K” I wanted to laugh out loud, it seems like fate wanted to remind me that there’s a chance of not seeing her for 365 days and more. I smiled bitterly and kissed her one more time as she slept on my shoulder as I send her back to where she belongs.

It’s been exactly 600 days since she left, to be precise, its been exactly 1 year and 8 months since she left and I have tried my best to live my life without her. But I failed miserably, wherever I go, I can see her face and remember every little detail about her. It’s as if the more I don’t see her the more I find myself longing for her. I keep on searching for her in the crowd, hoping that there’s a trace of her in there. I ride the bus where we rode together and watch longingly at the beach where we last stayed together.

Each night without her is like an endless state of hell, there are days and nights where I curse myself for falling for her but each waking moment of my life is filled with her imprints, no matter how much I try to fool myself a huge chunk of my heart belongs to her without her asking for it. I just hope that she feels the same way for me.

Its not like I hate waiting for her, she’s always with me, inside my heart despite the fact that she’s a million miles away from me. On days when I can’t help but miss her I stare at the sky above me and think, “somewhere around the globe, she’s standing under same sky and looking at the same sun; somewhere in this planet, she’s smiling and will someday come back to where I am.” And my longing for her lessens a notch. I guess, this is what people really call love.

Once again, I’m in the beach, it’s been the 601 day since she left, and I terribly miss her. I want to see her, I’m tired of seeing her pictures in the internet, I want to hear her voice, I’m no longer contented with the brief messages in e-mail, I want to hold her in my arms and kiss her.

I gaze longingly at the beach and patiently wait for her to return. It’s all I can do Despite the fact that she’s late for 601 days already. I can still remember that she promised that she’ll come back after 365 days and if she hasn’t returned after 365 days I’ll give her an allowance of 1 day to return to me.

How long do I have to wait? I sighed. “I miss you badly Dara.” My Sandara. Her name makes me smile, its comes naturally from lips, its like a lullaby that hums quietly at my lonely heart.

The breeze in the beach gently kisses my face; the beach is like my little haven where I can think of her freely without any hindrance from anyone. In this sacred place, I can think her; remember her, dream of her. As I silently reminisce about her, it feels like I can feel her near me. I smile at the thought that she finally returns, at least, in my dreams. I know for a fact that her return here in Korea is still impossible. She told me herself.

“Jiyong-ah, sorry I’m late.” She said nervously.

I opened my eyes, and turned around, she smiled at me, and once again, she looked like an angel.

“No Dara, you’re just in time.” I smiled at her and saw her relax. She ran to me and I can’t help but hug her tightly. “I am never letting you.”

“This time around, Jiyong I won’t ever go. The past year and the months that followed was hell. I love you, you know that, right?” she said earnestly.

“I know. I love you, more than you know.”

 I won’t say that our love story already ended, it only just begun.