You were singing softly at your favorite place, a grassy meadow filled with the smell of nature, a rarity in Seoul. You had found a few days after you moved to this neighborhood, while you were happily exploring. The peaceful smell and view of nature gave you a sense of calm, and you often came here after your work as a composer. Suddenly conscious of someone watching you, you turned and saw a handsome man with dark blue hair who stared softly back at you. Trying to fight the shock and embarrassment of getting caught, you didn’t like singing in the presence of others, you shook your bangs in front of your face to cover your eyes.

“I’m sorry, I just heard your voice being carried by the wind, and… your voice is really nice.” The stranger said.

“…Thank you” You responded. He sat down next to you, and you flinched slightly.

“Hi, my name is Dongwoo, nice to meet you!” He enthusiastically introduced himself. His smile was beautiful and dazzling.

“Nice to meet you too, I’m you.”

“I love your voice, it’s very warm, are you possibly a singer?”

“No, I’m not… I’m a composer.” He laughed, and you couldn’t help but to smile, his laugh was contagious.

“That’s great! I don’t know if you know me, but I’m actually a rapper. I’m in a boy band, do you know Infinite?”

Infinite sounded very familiar to you, and then you realized that he was part of Infinite H, who had bought the credits of ‘Crying’ the song that you had first composed.

“You’re the rapper in ‘Crying’ aren’t you?”

“Yeah along with Hoya, he’s a fellow member by the way.”

“I really liked how you recorded the song.”

“Um… thank you, I would love to continue talking to you but… I have a schedule right now. Perhaps,” he blushed, “can I have your number? I want to meet you again. I’m not a creeper I swear!”

“Yes, it’s 783-552-7546” He recorded it in his phone, and called your number. Your phone rang, with ‘Crying’ as your ringtone. You blushed and he chuckled. “You must really like that song huh?”

Nodding, you saved his number as “Dongwoo oppa” and the two of you parted.

A few days later, you received a message from Dongwoo, asking if he could meet you at the place where you sang. You sent a quick message back, telling him that you would be there in a few minutes.

“Hello, you,” He grinned a toothy grin, “how are you?”

“Doing well, how about you?”

“Good.” You guys were talking about different subjects when Dongwoo got a phone call.

“One moment,” he said and picked the phone up, “what’s wrong manager hyung? Oh, it’s 7 already? Wow I didn’t notice, sorry. I’m at the place near our dorm with the meadow; do you think you can pick me up? Thanks, I’ll see you in 2 minutes then.” He hung up and apologized to you, he had to go record a new song.

“It’s fine, I didn’t realize that time flew this fast.” You responded. A car honked in the distance, and about eight people got off and made their way towards the two of you. As a reserved person, you wanted to get away and was about to walk away when someone shouted, running.

“Nooooo stay! I want to meet you!!!!”

Dongwoo laughed, “Would you like to be introduced to the rest of the band?” You stood there, unsure, until the band reached you.

The rest of the people caught up and lined up. Only three people lagged behind, walking coolly towards you. The six guys in front of you, including Dongwoo, lined up.

One guy, who had small but cute eyes, said “1, 2, 3”

The six people said “Hello, We are Infinite!”

“Hi, I’m Sungjong,” the one who had shouted at you while running said, latching on to your arm.

“And I’m Sunggyu” said the small eyed one.

“Woohyun~” another said, making a heart out of his hands.

“Hoya” another said, giving off a cool demeanor.

“I’m Sungyeol” the tall one said.

“I’m Dongwoo, as you know, and the one walking towards us in between the other two is L, while the two others are our managers.”

“What’s your name?” Sunggyu asked.

“It’s you,” you responded.

“How old are you?”

“Where do you live?”

“How do you know Dongwoo hyung?”

A flood of questions spilled out of their mouths. Dongwoo laughed and told them to calm down.

“I’m a late 91-er, so I’m 21 years old. I’m a composer, and I met Dongwoo here a few days ago…”

“Then you’re my noona!” Sungjong exclaimed. “Come to the recording with us please noona?”

The managers started to protest, until L contributed, “Well, if she is a composer, wouldn’t it be even better to have her there? For advice and stuff…” The members agreed and dragged you to their car.

At the recording, you smiled, watching them record their songs for their upcoming album. Infinite had very flexible and soothing voices. Hoya and Dongwoo’s rap was very emotional. You closed your eyes and enjoyed the music. The producer, who recognized you because you guys had worked together before asked about how the song felt. There was only one thing that you thought could be better because it was awkward, and the other members and producer could feel it as well.

“Woohyun’s high note in the second verse, wouldn’t it be better if he started lower and made his way higher?”

“That’s true… good point.” The producer stopped Woohyun and asked him to do the note in way you recommended. The song sounded much smoother and the producer and Infinite looked content.

During their break, Infinite brought you into the recording booth and begged you to sing ‘Crying’. You reluctantly agreed, and Hoya and Dongwoo also came to rap. The song started to flow through the speakers and headphones, and you started to sing. Everyone in the studio, except Dongwoo and the producer, had amazed expressions on their faces at your singing ability. Dongwoo and the producer knew how good you were because they had heard you before. The song finished, and there was a moment of silence before everyone in the studio gave you a standing ovation.

“Noona, that was great! You have the voice of an angel!” Sungjong exclaimed.

“Are you interested in becoming a singer? We could offer you a good contract.” The manager offered. You shook your head and the members hit him for trying to make profit off your angelic voice.

A few months passed, and you often met Dongwoo at the meadow, as well as joining Infinite in some of their leisure activities. They always cared for you, just like a sister they never had. You realized that your songs were becoming happier and more enthusiastic. When your company pointed that out, you blushed, realizing that you wrote the songs while thinking of Dongwoo, and that you liked Dongwoo.

Dongwoo also seemed to like you. He would invite you to the dorm and the two of you would watch a movie, since he couldn’t go to the theaters without getting into a scandal, and you guys would frequent a small café near the meadow. One day, on the last day of November, he invited you to the dorm. When you arrived there, no one was home. You looked around, calling the names of the members. Then, you found a note stuck to the couch.

-Go to the roof ~Dongwoo~-

You went up to the roof, and there was another note saying:

-Go to the café ~Dongwoo~-

When you arrived at the café, he was nowhere to be seen. You asked the bartender if he knew where Dongwoo was. The bartender handed you a note to you with a gentle smile.

-Go to the back door ~Dongwoo~-

You went to the back door, and there was a final note saying:

-Follow the trail ~Dongwoo~-

You wondered what he meant by the trail until you walked outside and saw the candles lighting a way to the meadow. Following it, your heart threatened to jump out of your ribs. In the middle of the meadow, you could see Dongwoo with his back faced towards you.

“Dongwoo oppa?” You asked cautiously.

“you,” Dongwoo turned and smiled nervously at you, and when you reached him, he gave you a bouquet of roses that he had been holding. You thanked him and looked curiously at him. He pointed to the night sky, and a bunch of fireworks shot up to the say. They burst in the sky, spelling out the letters of the sentence “you, I like you, will you be my girlfriend?”

You were touched and nodded lightly at him.

He smiled that dazzling smile of his, “I’ll do my best to be a good boyfriend to you. I really like you.”

“Me too oppa. I like you too.”

He kissed your forehead, and you blushed, feeling your face heat up against the cold winter air. Suddenly, there was a loud noise, and streamers rained down on the two of you. The rest of Infinite ran towards you, holding confetti, throwing it up into the sky, and congratulating you on your new relationship. You just blushed in the arms of your new boyfriend, Dongwoo. The stars twinkled down at you, seeming to approve your happiness.

Although as time passed Infinite got more popular, Dongwoo and the rest of Infinite never failed to make time for you. You would often meet them in their recording studios, since you had a cover as a composer. You went on mini dates with Dongwoo, got couple rings, and gave many of your firsts to him, your first love, your first boyfriend, and your first kiss.

“Noona, you have to compose a song for us, okay?” Sungjong asked one day, when they were resting after a particularly long recording session.

“It’s a promise.” You giggled, pinky promising with Sungjong.

Infinite was set to make an overseas debut, and had to leave for five weeks. Even though you were sad and lonely, you knew that they would be successful overseas, and waited for Dongwoo, chatting with him on Skype every day. Something was wrong with your computer though, it would stop playing sound at random times, however, when you took it to the technician, he said that nothing was wrong with it. You were starting to stare off into space more, forgot important deadlines, and always had a heavy headache. Although you never had a great sense of balance, your legs gave out more often, your hands were clumsier, and your vision started to blur. You slept early and woke up late, getting about fifteen hours per day. Things weren’t going well for you, but you passed it off as lovesickness, or Dongwoo withdrawal, like what many friends teased you about. There was a buzzing in your ear, you thought that maybe a bug crawled in there, and expected the bug to crawl out sooner or later. But day after day, the annoying buzzing never went away, sometimes diminishing and sometimes increasing, driving you crazy. It wasn’t until your boss found you in the studio with the volume turned 100% on, that you started to suspect that something was wrong.

He persuaded you to go to a doctor’s appointment. It was true that it was about four years since your last annual checkup. But at the checkup, you received a piece of news that sent your life into turmoil. You ran out of the office and into the street, refusing to admit your condition when a car stopped in front of you, the driver shouting at you and honking his horn. You couldn’t hear anything except for a loud buzzing in your ear, forcing you to accept the reality, that you had a brain tumor, and was slowly losing your ability to hear*.

You shut yourself in your house, refusing to go to work; your boss was going crazy with the lack of communication and worry. But you didn’t care. You were losing the one thing that mattered to you and your connection to your loved ones, your music. Your voicemail was filled with messages from your doctor, pleading you to get treatment as fast as possible. And, with only days before Infinite’s return to Korea, you made up your mind. You went to your doctor to discuss the treatment options that you could take, and what the side effects would be.

“Ms. you, you are currently in your second stage of brain cancer. You need to undergo radiation therapy as soon as possible.”

“I will doctor, but first can you give me two weeks?”

“You are having a race against time; you need treatment as fast as possible.”

“Please, just two weeks.”

“Fine, but if you want to come faster, that would be best.”

“Thank you, doctor. And one more thing, can you please make it so that my treatment hospital is in the rural areas, somewhere less known to people?”

“If that’s your wish, we can definitely do that for you. There are many patients who choose rural hospitals because the environment is fresher and it speeds their treatment.”

“Then, I’ll see you in two weeks. Thank you again.”

Two days later, you greeted Infinite at the airport. They were tired and stressed, as their overseas debut did not go as well as they thought it would. But they tried to put a happy face in front of you, since they didn’t want you to worry. Little did they know, you put a happy face in front of them instead.

To Dongwoo, you got testier and you didn’t seem like the cute generous girl that he first met and fell in love with, but he didn’t know your frustration was because of your constantly muffled hearing and harsh headaches. The two of you would bicker at trivial things like Dongwoo cancelling the date because he was busy. You wanted to spend as much time with him before your treatment, but you could hardly tell him that. You were scared that you would forget him as time passed. Even after the painful days, or days where you thought about your future, you never cried. You didn’t even cry after learning of the tumor. You didn’t know why, but it was like you locked all the tears inside when you heard that you had cancer.

Reality hit you hard when you forgot the boiling pot on the stove, creating a fire, and the fire alarm went off. You couldn’t hear the fire alarm, so you stayed inside until the fire department was notified. By then, Dongwoo and the rest of Infinite were also notified and waiting anxiously outside your house. Inside, you noticed all the smoke and went to the kitchen, only to find a fire. The firefighters came quickly and extinguished the fire, and brought you safely outside the house.

“What were you thinking?!??!” Dongwoo screamed the moment you were brought temporarily to their dorm.

“I just spaced out…Dongwoo oppa?”

“What if you died? Then how do you expect me to live?” Dongwoo said, with tears filling his eyes.

You stood there. ‘How was Dongwoo going to react to the fact that you had brain cancer? What would happen if you left?’ Dongwoo hugged you.

“Don’t ever make me this scared again.”

“…”

For the next couple of days, you stayed at Infinite’s dorm. You hid your medicine and pain from all the members so that they wouldn’t suspect something wrong with you. But sometimes, the pain seeped through your mask. The occasional deafness would scare you, because it was happening more often.

“you, …(you couldn’t hear this) okay?” Woohyun poked his head into your room and asked.

“Yeah I’m not sick, don’t worry!” You responded cheerfully.

By looking at his puzzled expression, you realized that you had said the wrong thing. “Huh, I didn’t hear it properly, what did you say?”

“I was asking if you wanted to eat noodles today…”

“That’s fine, thanks”

You hid your trembling hands behind your back. It was getting harder to hide the symptoms, and the medicine became not as effective. Time was running out, and you still needed a way to break up with Dongwoo. After countless nights of thinking, that was your conclusion. It would hurt, but he would move on. You had three days left, and were preparing to leave, but first, you wanted to fulfill your promise to Sungjong, your song. You put your pen down on the music score, and the melody, harmony, and lyrics came out as smoothly as a song that was born inside you and one that you always knew in your mind. You knew the moment you finished, that it was the best song you had ever composed. You neatly wrote the title at the top, ‘Can U Smile’. The next day, you went to the recording studio that Infinite first brought you to, and asked the producer if he could offer this song to Infinite, but have the composer as anonymous. You begged him, saying that you would even sing the guide song something that you had always refused to do, so that he knew what the song sounded like. It had to be perfect; your feelings for Dongwoo were perfect, after all. Music flowed once again, and you stood in that exact same spot where you stood when singing ‘Crying’ with Dongwoo and Hoya. There were parts where you couldn’t hear the music properly, but each note, beat and word was engraved into your heart, and you finished the guide song in one try. This song was for Infinite, you knew that it would complement their voices perfectly. But the true recipient of the song was Dongwoo. You loved him so much, but you had to let him go.

I remember that feeling from
Long ago when I looked at you
I remember that time when
I knew you, you knew me
I wanted to be like you
hang out with you
I think about those desperate times
But it's merely a memory
that has passed by

And can you smile? smile...
you want this
you hope for this
I can't seem to have you with only my heart

And can you smile? smile...
I said to leave
I said I'm okay
It seems like I can give you nothing
but this to you in the end

I remember long ago
when I received your heart
you were overflowing me
and I’m thankful
I think of those time

we love each other
we were at our happiest
then came across farewell
you were overflowing me
I'm sorry
I can't hold you back

And can you smile? smile...
you want this
you hope for this
I can't seem to have you with only my heart

And can you smile? smile...
I said to leave
I said I'm okay
It seems like I can give you nothing
but this to you in the end

And still, still in the end, still I…
but probably in the end, I still…
And still, still in the end, still I…
but probably in the end, I still…

But I was suffocating from
those frequent words of yours
You say that my way of talking and
actions make you lose your words
make your anger rise
on this violent night
the stars light up the sky,
the moon shines
you go steadily on your path of stars
the night is coming
it is covered only by other stars
but the moon always stays there
I will always be here for you, want you

And can you smile? smile...
I want you but…
I'll hold you but…
your smile is fading beside me

And can you smile? smile...
I said to leave
I said I'm okay
You might even be happier
if you leave my side

“You went back to sad songs, did something happen?” The producer asked.

“No, nothing,” you responded, flashing him a smile, “please take care of them.”

“Infinite? What happened? You sound like you’re going somewhere.”

“Then I’ll see you later, thank you so much.” With these last words, you bowed deeply and exited the recording studio.

Then came the day you needed to go to the hospital for treatment. The days upcoming to the d-day, you would purposely find faults to argue with Dongwoo, accuse him of cheating, though Infinite stuck to his side, and flirted with other guys in his sight. You guys were arguing constantly, and now, it was time for you to break up with him.

“Come on, you, you can do this. For Dongwoo oppa.” You kissed the picture of the Dongwoo and you that you kept in a frame, and exited the room to find Dongwoo.

“Dongwoo oppa, we need to talk.” You said in a cold tone, your heart breaking with every word that came out of your mouth. This moment was crucial; you hoped that your hearing would not fail you now. You brought Dongwoo out to the roof.

“What now? Did you find some proof that I was cheating or something?” Dongwoo said in an equally cold tone, raising one eyebrow.

“I’ll get to the point. I want to break up.”

“What? Why?”

“Because…”

“Baby, why are you doing this? We were arguing I know, there’s no reason why we need to break up. I still love you, I’m sorry.”

‘And me too oppa, me too.’ You thought. “No, I’m tired of you, we’re over.”

You started to walk back, but Dongwoo grabbed your hand.

“No, I want to talk.”

“Well, I don’t, Dongwoo-ssi.” He knew you never used –ssi with his name before. The word was awkward on your tongue, but you forced it out. He let go, stunned and tears filled his eyes, you walked away and into the dorm. You were upset but willed yourself to get through the entire plan before breaking down. You quickly packed all your stuff, left your couple ring on Dongwoo’s desk and walked out of the dorm. Infinite tried to block your way and convince you to think it through again, but you pushed your way through them. Walking down the stairs, you stopped abruptly when you saw Dongwoo standing at the entrance.

“Get out of my way.” You glared at him, and he pushed you against the wall, roughly kissing you. You wanted to kiss back so badly, but restrained yourself. ‘This is for Dongwoo oppa’ you reminded yourself. “Stop it.”

“I know you still love me, you, I know you do.” He looked at you with teary eyes.

“I don’t, stop making yourself look like a fool.” You couldn’t say that you didn’t love him anymore. You knew that you should, but you didn’t know if your heart could take it.

“I don’t care if I look like a fool, I’d rather be a fool than lose you.” Your heart melted, but you steeled yourself against his words. “Then too bad.” You ran, caught a taxi, and told the driver to go to the hospital. The taxi drove away, and you spared yourself one last glance. Dongwoo was crying his heart out on the floor, screaming your name.

You were transferred to a hospital near Incheon, and you started getting treatment. Months passed, and the treatment was coming along well; your hearing was getting better, but the tumor was getting bigger, and your memory became hazier and hazier. Nevertheless, you never forgot your memories with Dongwoo, you had recorded them in your diary to read every time you thought that you were afraid of forgetting. You followed him on television, he seemed happy, but knowing the real Dongwoo, you knew he wasn’t, and you hated yourself for making him that sad and broken. But it was for the best, better than letting him know the truth.

A week after you left Dongwoo in pieces for Infinite to try to pick up and bring together, Infinite was called in by the recording studio that you recorded ‘Can U Smile’ in and was told to record the song. Although they first protested, saying that they weren’t in a condition to, the producer insisted until they gave in. The recording was coming along well, when Sungjong thought that you never kept your promise about writing a song for them. He was wrong, though, but it would take longer for him to learn. He smiled sadly, because the song would have been perfect for your angelic voice, and it was almost like you composed the song. All the other members felt the same, and they recorded with you unconsciously in mind.

While you were getting treatment, Infinite was busy preparing for their comeback. Finally, Infinite got a test CD to listen to all their recorded songs before producing. However, the producer made a fateful mistake. Instead of being sung by Infinite, ‘Can U Smile’ was sung by your voice, the guide song that the producer couldn’t bring himself to delete after recording the song. The moment Dongwoo heard the song, he recognized your voice, and realized that this was your promise to Sungjong. He listened closely to the lyrics, and found the hint in them. Bursting out of the dorm, he sprinted to the recording studio, while the other members sat stunned at your beautiful voice that was flowing through the speakers. When they finally grasped what it meant, they also ran with all their might to the studio.

Dongwoo banged the door open to the studio, startling the producer, but at this point, he didn’t care.

“Mr. Lee, this song, it was composed by you, am I correct?”

Mr. Lee glanced up, shocked, “O-o-o-of course not, why would it be?”

“Because it’s her voice, I can tell it’s her even after infinity passes.”

“Um… it is her…”

“Why didn’t you tell us?”

“That was her wish and choice.”

“Where is she?”

“I don’t know, I’m sorry.”

Dongwoo knew that something had happened to you, so he searched the whole nation with the help of Infinite.

“Hyung! I think I found her!” L screamed from the living room, where he was searching on his laptop. He pointed at the list of patients in hospitals, having hacked onto the website.

“you, Incheon Cancer Hospital, Ward 5, Room 503.” L read

“She has cancer?” Five voices exclaimed, but Dongwoo was in shock. He quickly printed the directions out and drove to Incheon.

You were looking through the picture album containing your precious memories with Infinite. You had spent your first days making a scrapbook, with captions to commemorate each photo. A familiar hand gently closed the book. You stared at the hand, and a familiar ring sparkled on the ring finger. You slowly raised your eyes from the hand to the owner’s face, knowing who he was even before looking. Your eyes met with Dongwoo’s. He smiled gently at you.

“O-oppa?”

Dongwoo hugged you, bringing you closer to his body. You absorbed his familiar musky scent, and he said, more confidently than ever, “We’re going to get through this, together. I’ll always be here for you.” For the first time since the news of catastrophic tumor, you cried your heart out, knowing how much you needed him ever since the beginning, and that he could smile genuinely, only by your side.

------------------------------------------------------

* Brain tumors can cause hearing loss, but it’s mostly one-sided. For the purpose of this story, she’s losing hearing in both ears.

Lyric translations from: http://eklyricos.blogspot.com

Ugh, this is such a bad one shot, I’m sorry T^T but I hope you liked it. Thanks for reading! Please also read my on-going fanfiction about Myungsoo at http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/235828/eyes-that-express-everything-hoya-infinite-myungsoo-seohyun-you-girlsday-myungsooandoc

Comments are <3 :)