disclaimer: no i don't own SHINee, because if i did they would be gaying around all day prancing around my bedroom and making me happy. The plot's mine, don't take without permission, or the monsters will come bite you at night.

Taemin shook his head violently. No, this was not supposed to happen. He was sure he wasn't some gay, because he would glance at pretty girls and ask for their numbers.

But how was he to tell himself that when through his head all day was that same person?

That Almighty Diva, who would spend hours on the computer staring at girl group dances. That sweet umma, who would prepare breakfast for him, heat up his food or even send him to school. The hyung, that was so persistently working his hardest to not be some extra leg in the group.

Because love always hits you hardest when you don't expect it.

"Wake up now Taemin! Breakfast is ready~" Kibum whines at the Taemin's bedroom door.

Taemin tosses and turns around his bed, feeling sore all over his body thanks to last night's late practice. He squints his eyes, which are all dry and puffy, from all that crying alone in a corner.

Which, of course, his hyungs don't realise. Or so he thought.

He got up, got dressed and got down for breakfast. At the dinning table he sees all s eating and discussing about what to do on their free day. He takes his seat at his usual spot, and notices the slight tension between the diva chef and the main singer. Kibum was singing and tossing the pancakes at the stove, having as little eye contact as possible with Jonghyun, who was staring absentindedly at the cup of milk in his hand.

Taemin remembers what happened last night. Next to his room was Key's room, where he heard shouting and crying just a few hours ago.

"And all along i thought... that we were something." Kibum whimpers softly, but audible to the room next door.

"Then perhaps you thought wrong. I'm sorry Key, but I only think of you as a great friend, nothing more." 

" You're lying! What about all those times we had together? All those moments we shared?"

"Shh, you're going to wake Taemin up."

"That doesn't matter now does it? Answer me. What am i in your eyes?"

The room fell silent.

"...Just... get out of my room. I don't want to hear your excuses anymore." Kibum finally spoke. The door slammed and the night returned to a state of peace.

But Taemin's heart was in turmoil.

"Hey baby, eat your breakfast or it's going to get cold." Kibum forces a smile on his face, staring at Taemin. His eyes are red-rimmed, probably from all that crying. "I'll just go up and rest for today. Don't feel like doing anything." Kibum states, picking up his plates and leaving them at the sink. He then walks up into his room and closes the door gently.

"Is something wrong with Kibum-ah? Wouldn't he be shopping his free day away?" Minho questions, a small smile playing at his face.

"Dunno, probably tired from all that training. Divas need their diva sleep." Onew mumbled, chewing his pancake.

Taemin hurriedly finishes his pancake and washes his plates before going upstairs too. He enters his room, and hears slight sobbing next door. 

"God why are you so heartless. Screw you, screw that model. Why was i ever so stupid anyway, i should never have given my heart to you. Ever so slightly you chew away at it and now it's not there anymore."

He hears Kibum whispering between sobs. That's where he feels it, his heart cringing. He wants to reach over next door, embrace Kibum in a huge hug and tell him it's all okay.

But he could never do that. Somewhere in his heart, he knew that Kibum could not see him, his heart was only filled with one person.

Everytime Kibum brought his little baby minnie out for coffee, he would only be talking about Jonghyun. About how Jonghyun silly enough to trip over his own shoes. Or about how Jonghyun made fun of him as they did fanservice for the fans. But there Taemin was, right in front of him.

Whenever they had some performance, Kibum would always be worried for Jonghyun. He would constantly ask, "Where's Jonghyun?" And when Jonghyun fell silent. Kibum would make passing comments about how Jonghyun was in his own world again. But when Taemin disappears into the toilet for nearly an hour, no one really cares.

Everytime they had dance practices together, key would pick on Jonghyun's little mistakes, correcting him and teaching him how to move his body. But Taemin was there, shining his brightest and trying his very best. To impress his umma, just to gain that slight recognition, "Hey baby you did well."

And despite how Kibum would fawn over Jonghyun, Taemin could only feel nothing but jealousy, pile up on him like an avalanche. He hated how Kibum never saw anyone but Jonghyun. But he couldn't even bring himself to hate Jonghyun, because he knew that jjong was really nice too. He wasn't mean or anything, he would treat people around him kindly.

And that's how it came to a point where he hated himself. He hated how that burning jealousy would make it hard to breathe. He hated how he felt about his own umma. He hated this terribly weak side of him, tearing in that small corner of his room when night fell.

Most of all, he hated facing them. It was hard enough to maintain composure and not breakdown when he saw jonghyun and key playing around. What was extremely challenging, was how he was supposed to pretend that it's all okay, nothing's hurting him, and play along with them too.

He when he couldn't channel all these feelings and forget them all by dancing, he took up another hobby.

On sleepless nights, he would crawl under his bed and take out a shining piece of metal. It was sharp, and its blade glinted with evil. But it could produce something he enjoyed seeing. Blood. Seeing that red liquid slowly flow down his arm, it took away all the pain that was there before. Even though momentarily, it made it easier to breathe, and to live.

And soon, it because an addiction. From fortnights to weekends, finally to a daily affair. Taemin would watch that sliver knife draw a red line across his porcelain white skin. It would then hurt, producing a sharp pain that he could not explain. Then he would slowly find his powder and dab it across the crimson line, concealing all the pain and scars, not just on his skin but on his heart.

:D Yay. 1st part done. It'll probably be a  2 part thing, whenever i feel like continuing. Which should be real soon.

All these, because taekey is precious and RARE. We should ALL start seeing beauty in those 2 really awesome people, because those small sparks of chemsitry when Key stares at Taemin lovingly, is all the love that matters. (: