I watched him walk past me in the school hallway. His eyes black as coal and piercing, as always. He had changed his hair since summer. It was still black but longer and swept up in front. We passed each other and our eyes briefly met. He showed no recognition and turned his attention to a group of flighty girls. I felt that sharp pain in my chest. I knew it was coming but that didn’t make it hurt any less. I didn’t know why it hurt so much to see him talking to them. Wasn’t I supposed to be over him? Hadn’t I decided he wouldn’t be a part of my life anymore? I tried my best to avoid his eyes again because I knew what I would feel if I looked into them. Insignificance, resent, embarrassment…naiveté. I remembered our late night summer conversations. For weeks we rambled on about the things we had in common, silly things like seeing the same shapes in clouds and loving the sound of a running stream. I thought he was beautiful, I thought we would last forever, I thought he was ‘the one’. Then one night, things got more personal.

“ChaeRi-ah~, are you a ?”

I blushed even though we were on the phone.

“Ne~”

“Wae?” He sounded genuinely interested.

I wondered if I should tell him. If I said what I was about to say would he get turned off? No, not Kim HimChan, right? He said he loved me. Every night he told me he loved me.

“HimChan-ah~ I want to stay a until I get married. Don’t you think that’s thoughtful?”

“Ne~ ChaeRi-ah~ that’s very sweet.”

I smiled. I knew he would understand.

“So…you’ll wait for me, right?”

“ChaeRi-ah~ I have to go right now ok? I’ll call you tomorrow. Same time.”

He didn’t say he loved me before he hung up and he didn’t call the next night. I texted him, asking why. “Nan bappa,” he said. Busy with homework, football, his family. He called again after a week, for the last time. He said things weren’t working out. He mumbled stupid excuses until I dismissed him. I understood. I understood perfectly. It wasn’t the first time this had happened to me but for some stupid reason I thought Kim HimChan was different.

How dare I believe he was interested in an innocent, little girl like myself. Too shy, too quiet, too prudent. I kept deluding myself in his absence that I could really care less what he thought yet every time I glanced at him anxiety would seep in. He was threatening my emotional well-being and he didn’t even know it. Momentarily, I was being thrown into states of depression. Maybe this time was one time too many. Oh how I hated every sweet word he made me say! And every word he said back! Empty words. I hated them all.

Where would I find ‘him’? That one guy that would wait with me, because he really, really, loved me. I had to keep looking or wait until he found me. And how would I know it was him without investing some emotion? I knew I had many more heartaches to come. I cleared my throat and swallowed the sobs that HimChan’s face tried to tear from my body. I held my head up and straightened my spine.

I would find him.