Searching for you...

He opened his eyes, blurry. He wiped his tears, laughing at his own deed. Even in dreams, he cried. He cried so hard that he wanted all of it to end.

He had always been watching him, intently, heart thumping ever so loud. He denied it, because he must. As a professional, he can’t let heart get in the way of work. It can’t be love, because it mustn’t be one. Cause if it is, he’s damned. He was old enough to understand what he felt, and yes, he understand. Yet he didn’t want to admit, he didn’t want to understand. Cause understanding means leaving, and though he’s a professional, he refuse to leave.

He’s not. He’s not in love. At least that, he wanted to believe.

Donghae-ah, I didn’t want to love you.

Yet he did.

He wanted to tell him. But would he understand? Would people understand? The people, society, expect things from them. A man should fall in love with a woman, properly married and sooner or later turn into a father.

No. A man mustn’t be in love with another man.

Yet he was.

And now he’s here. Laying on the hospital bed, being useless. Leaving him, without a word.

He’s been nice, very nice to the other. He left Donghae with a very nice memory of him, his best everything--his smile and laughter, all his heart—that day.

Then why he regret it?

He himself asked the lady to put in a sleeping pill into the tea, he himself that chose to leave Donghae there without saying anything about his sickness, about him dying, about his love towards the other. Hell, he didn’t even say goodbye.

If only, though. If only he didn’t need to leave... If only it wasn’t his fate to leave so soon...

If he wasn't dying.

Donghae-ah, I might tell you that I fell for you.

That night, he couldn’t do it. Despite all his acting skill and experience, he did not manage to tell Donghae. Cause he knew that way, he would break Donghae’s heart. And no, he cannot do that, not ever. He hate it seeing Donghae cry, and if he ever cry again, let it not because of him. It would bring him a depressing death.

Leaving is the only choice.

Yet leaving him without a word like that... Steadily destroying him too.

Was it the right thing to do? He really got no idea.

He laid back onto the bed, sighing. Tears threatening to fall, but he didn’t care to wipe them away anymore. He was tired, he was really tired. Oh god what must he do?

He missed him. His smile, his laugh, his voice.

He missed him so much, so much that it hurts.

He closed his eyes once more and let the tears fall, rolling down his cheeks.

The door creaks slowly. The nurse must have come to inject him with another kind of medicine again. It wasn’t effective, he was on his final stage, and he would die soon. But the injection calmed him, it always do, at least it helped him feel that he would stay alive, even just for another hour. And with that, he’s glad.

The usual nurse was kind-hearted. She listened to his useless talks; all about the hardship he’s been through. He talked about Super Junior, about ELF, about dancing, but most of all he would talk about Donghae. And she understand, and for it he was extremely grateful. She understand how hard it must be for him to live in all high expectations, she understand the pain he’s going through by loving someone he shouldn’t have fallen in love with, she simply understand him.

He laughed as the steps were getting closer, his laughter sounds weak. He covered his face with both of his hand, not wanting her to see him in the pathetic state every time she came.

“I...” He started, painfully. “I really don’t know what to do.”

She didn’t answer.

“I’m dying, so this is the right thing to do, right? Leaving him... Yet I'm crying, regretting ever letting him go. Isn’t that so foolish of me? You must think that I’m so pathetic.”

He whimpered, his voice became raspy.

“I... I love him...”

And suddenly it feels warm, and he realized that a pair of arms were hugging him so tight. So relaxing, so comfortable....

So familiar.

“It’s okay.”

The voice startled him, waking him up from his thoughts. It can’t be, it shouldn’t be. He had been really secretive about where he was taken care of, he covered all path he’s been through. It surely can’t be. It would be a miracle, but he feared that if he opened his eyes, he would find out that he’s dreaming and get his hope crushed.

But still he took a deep breath, and opened his eyes to face the truth.

And he cried his whole heart out right after.

Sadness? Regret? Relief?

He didn’t know, and he wouldn’t know. But he couldn’t help but to feel something inside him, burning, forcing him to spill his heart out, to throw away everything he had hid for such a long time.

He found him. He found him.

He found you, stupid.

“It’s okay, Eunhyuk-ah, I love you too.”

I searched, and I found...

Your voice, your warmth, your love...