About You

The elevator doors slide open, and the last of the boxes have been cleared. The apartment feels empty now, bare and lonely. But it’s nothing it hasn’t been.

It’s just the same all over again.

The calendar hanging by the door has pages ripped out, and dates crossed out with a bright red pen. She doesn’t say goodbye, and leaves quietly, holding the cardboard box of her things.

Maybe it’s just better this way. Less painful, to have to listen to words no one really wants to hear. But a small little glance back wouldn’t have hurt. Not really.

Everything has been taken away, things she still wants, things she doesn’t want anymore. There’s nothing left to be reminded of her. So, in this barren place, why is it that she’s still lingering around, somewhere, somehow?

It doesn’t make sense.

But it’s not supposed to.

There’s a dripping sound from the kitchen, and it sounds so lonely, so sad. It’s the tap she has probably failed to turn off properly again. The elevator is going down, all the way without a stop somewhere.

She wishes it did.

Then maybe she’d run down the stairs and find her again.

With that box of trinkets and stuff toys she has kept over the years, and the to-do lists, the duty-roster she so often ignored.

She can’t believe it has all been taken away from her.

So easily. Just like that.

Now she’s just standing in the corridor, seemingly waiting for the elevator, secretly hoping that the girl would be there when the doors slide open. She undoes one button, breathes a little deeper and prays a little more.

The girl has already left. And Jessica’s not even sure if the girl had really thought of staying.

Because that’d probably mean that Taeyeon still loved her.

~+~

The movie’s pathetic, with low budget and a y cast. The storyline’s decent, at least, but it’s something Jessica has watched many times over and memorised the chain of events likely to happen in such a movie.

Well, decent storylines always have to be cliché.

The actress mumbles something, and Jessica doesn’t understand, so she reaches for the remote control and turns it up a little louder.

She peeks behind the television, where Taeyeon usually places the cable box. It’s not there.

Really, now. Did Taeyeon have to take that away as well? And now, what will she do without her daily dramas? She reaches for the bowl of instant ramyun on the table. Lifting it with her chopsticks, she grimaces. The noodles are overcooked and the soup’s too bland. It’s not something she’s used to.

Now, what will she do without her home-cooked meals?

It’s so funny how she was fine before Taeyeon had come, and now she doesn’t seem to be able to go on like she had been, like she’s not useless and pathetic without Taeyeon.

Because Taeyeon’s probably doing better than her. She can cook, at least, and doesn’t have to put up with that annoying kettle Jessica doesn’t have the heart to throw out since she needs it more than anything else, or overcooked, soggy noodles that taste half as good as anything Jessica can find out there.

And she has the cable box, Jessica won’t forget.

How dare she leave Jessica with only the satellite-dish thingy to supply her with sappy, low budget movies?

The ramyun’s getting cold, and Jessica’s reminded that the heater’s broken for some time now. She tries to recall how she has been able to sleep warmly these past few months.

She remembers, then she puts the bowl back on the table. She doesn’t feel like eating anymore.

Taeyeon had slept with her, together underneath the pale blue blanket, and they were warm.

Jessica now remembers that she has thrown the blanket out, and Taeyeon has taken her favourite pillow along with her. Well, it has been Taeyeon’s all along.

Why does life seem so much more miserable without Taeyeon?

~+~

Jessica doesn’t really have a wide circle of friends, most of which were from her university, and had studied the same module as she had. She’s not really close to them either, but they’re there when she needs them, and that is good enough for her.

“Has she called you?” SooYoung asks, tapping her chopsticks against the table softly.

Jessica shakes her head, waiting for her food patiently, just because she’s not in the mood to do anything more than eating.

“Well, maybe she misses you. And she wants you to miss her too.”

There’s a reason why SooYoung’s still single despite being pretty and everything.

One reason could be food. The other could be that she’s so goddamn optimistic about everything. It has never been a bad thing until now, as Jessica holds her chopsticks a little tighter.

Taeyeon has no reason to miss her; she doesn’t need Jessica as badly as Jessica needs her.

Oh, what a cruel life this is.

SooYoung stops talking much when the food arrives, then stops talking completely when the bill comes around. Jessica bows her head, and holds out her credit card. She’s not even sure if it’s still valid.

 There’s a beeping sound from that stupid machine. The one where the cashiers swipe the credit cards in.

It’s not.

It has always been Taeyeon’s credit card. But Taeyeon’s not here.

She sinks a little deeper into her seat.

~+~

The landlord comes around a few times, and asks for the rental. Jessica has turned her away the first few times, saying that she needs a little more time to figure things out. The landlord left with a smile, being the understanding lady she always has been.

There’s no turning her away now.

Jessica surrenders most of her pay for the rental, then stares at the few crumpled bills left in her wallet.

“I need a better job,” she sighs, then throws her wallet somewhere deep in her room.

No, she corrects herself mentally, she needs a new life.

One where Taeyeon didn’t exist. One where being alone didn’t seem like a bad thing.

She loses her pride, and dials familiar numbers into her phone. She just wants to hear that voice again. Then she’ll think of how to survive until the next day.

“The number you have dialled is not available. Please call again later.”

She wants to toss the phone out the window after the fourth try. Sadly, that’ll be one more thing she has to pay for.

~+~

Jessica draws a long list with a pencil, then writes the pros and cons of being single. As she’s about to finish the list, she realises that it’s too short.

So, she gives up, and writes Taeyeon’s name on both sides.

She doesn’t realise when it has reached the end of the list.

Oh, that makes her feel so much better.

She crumples it up, then throws it away. She has better things to do than this.

~+~

Forget it, she’s just going to write a letter and never send it. A least she feels better that way.

Everything reminds me of you. Everything seems to be about you, you and you only. It doesn’t make sense. Is there some spell you have cast on me to make think of you this much? Are you a witch?

I’m not asking for you to come back. I’m not going to beg you to willingly show up at the door and take me with you. All I’m asking for is that if you’re going to leave, at least let me hate you.

You’re stupid, because I can’t. And I’m stupid, because I can’t.

Or maybe, just that if you turn around and think of coming back, I’m still here. If you’re running halfway and then stop, and I’m there on your mind, just come back.

In whatever way you want to run to, you can still come back.

Because whenever you’re coming back, I’m here.

—Jessica.

She seals the letter up, then slides in under her pillow. Maybe if she sleeps, then wakes up, she’ll find the letter missing, like when she had believed the tooth fairy had come to claim her tooth.

When she wakes up, the letter’s still there, and Taeyeon’s not next to her.

This is reality. And for Jessica, she’s nearly crying knowing that this isn’t a fantasy.

Because there is no reality without a Taeyeon.

But Taeyeon’s happy, and probably living well.

So shouldn’t she be too?

~+~

She’s on the verge of breaking. She doesn’t feel like leaving the bed, and she gets up for only three reasons. Food, the toilet, and to check if Taeyeon has come back.

But, no, Taeyeon has still not returned.

She keeps on hoping, but that hope is dying day after day.

The letter’s supposed to make her feel better, but is has just made her realise how much she still loves Taeyeon. It’s still sealed, underneath her pillow.

Jessica doubts that it will ever open.

~+~

“She’s never coming back, is she?” Jessica asks, more of a nonchalant question than a watery pleading.

She presses her chin on her kneecaps, the blanket curled around her ankles. Tiffany pats her head.

“She’ll come round. She just needs time. What did you guys fight about in the first place?”

Jessica turns away and leaves the question as it is.

Tiffany purses her lips. “It’s been a few years, Jessi. You and Tae have been together for a few years. And after a few years, no one can just leave like that and never come back. She’ll come back. Soon.”

Jessica doesn’t sleep well that night.

Because she might not hear the clicking door of the apartment if she does, and she might miss Taeyeon coming back and slipping into the bed with her.

~+~

“Sorry,” there’s that grin Jessica feels like slapping off.

She tries to, at least, walking over to the girl in a half-daze, and her hand slaps the girl across the face without her thinking much about it.

“Don’t you dare smile at me like that after what you have done.”

The grin fades, and now desperate hands are reaching to wind around her waist. But Jessica moves away.

“I’m sorry, I just needed time to think if this is right for me,” the girl reasons.

“And during this time, did you think of what you were doing to me?”

“I had an idea. But I came back after that letter.”

Jessica’s glare hardens. “Letter?”

“Tiffany passed it to me earlier. I came back, like you wanted.”

“I don’t want you to come back if you’re going to leave like that again. You just left, and I came home to see half your belongings gone and you leaving with the rest of them.”

Jessica’s voice drops.

“And you didn’t even say goodbye.”

Taeyeon’s face softens, and she grabs Jessica’s waist, smiling faintly but apologetically when Jessica doesn’t move away.

“I wanted to know if I really love you,” Taeyeon murmurs, pulling Jessica in for a hug. “I mean, we’ve been doing things so mechanically that I hardly felt anything at all. The fight surprised me too. I didn’t mean for it to go that way.”

Jessica nods, her eyes even, but wet. She presses to the side of Taeyeon’s neck.

“You stole my shampoo too,” she says softly.

Taeyeon chuckles. “But then I realised how much I love you, so I came back. The letter was just a trigger, something to realise how much I really want you, even if you’re practically useless and can’t even fend for yourself.”

“Hey.”

“You can’t cook.”

“Okay, fine.”

“So I came back.”

Finally, Jessica cries. It’s not something you see in movies, joyous occasions, you know, hugging and lifting your lover in the air. For Jessica, Taeyeon’s return is just…watery and full of sticky mucus.

But Taeyeon has never accepted such a warm welcome before.

Later, Taeyeon is forced to attach the cable box to the television again, and make home-cooked meals for the two of them. One day, maybe she’ll leave again, but she knows she’ll come back.

~+~

—ジュリエット