Lee Jinki The ear splitting buzz of the alarm clock woke me up. My hand s around the table looking for that noisy thing which caused me to stir up. I found it—at last.   I sat down; I shook my head and yawned. Where am I? I blink my eyes. I fell asleep at my living room; the place was a complete mess! When was the last time I cleaned it? Was it two days ago? A week? A month? Or the worst scenario was it a year already? I looked at my hand phone; it flashed a picture of us— me and my best friend.   I gasp. “Oh .” It reminds me of something very special, not for me, but for him. It’s a very important day that I shouldn’t forget; my memory jolted back to reality. I yelled.   “Damn it!” I stood up and scooted around one way or two.   Hi. My name is Byun Su Jeong and the guy on the picture is my best friend, Lee Jinki. We’ve known each other almost half of our lives and... I am secretly in love with him. What can I do? I've let the moment passes us by.   Now it's over...
____   “Su Jeong!!! Oh my god I can’t believe you're late!!” Sun Hee yelled at me as I sat beside her. I was panting really hard and my foot hurts.   “Something came up.” I lied as I bend forward, massaging my foot. The truth is I don’t want to go here.   “Oh... really?” she incline closer to me and started to sniff. “YAH! Byun Su Jeong! Did you drink again?!”   Uh oh... she caught me. “Yes?”   “Oh boy! Of all the nights you could have drink, why did you choose last night?!”   “Look... All of us know, that I was supposed to be the girl standing beside him! THERE!” I pointed out angrily in front. “There! Beside him! At the altar! I'm supposed to be his bride!! I am supposed to be the one wearing that gown! Holding the bouquet! Having that brightest smile! Achieving his best smile!”   “Yeah! And all of us know either, that you broke his heart! You even choose his birthday to make that move! GREAT!” she said sarcastically. I didn’t answer. Coz I'm highly classified as guilty. “Grow up Su Jeong! We're 25 years old! And it happened 6 months ago! We're adults here, for Pete's sake!”   Six months ago, the biggest and stupidest mistake I've ever done— letting go of the person whom I truly love...   It was a sacrifice for the happiness of other people.
______________________________________________________________________________   My phone rang; it was a message from the prodigal friend. Jinki's ex girlfriend. 'Su Jeong, let's meet up.' She stated the address of this coffee shop.    What does she want?   ---   “I wanted to see you.” she said casually, her expression did not change. “Because I want to clear something between us.”   “And what's that?” my voice sounded angrily.   “I still love Jinki... and I'm willing to give it another try.”   “Why are you telling this to me?”   “Because... I know you love him too... Am I right?” I grab the glass and drink the water. Her voice suddenly changes into a mellow one. “—and he loves you too, more than you could ever possibly imagine.” I almost choked. I wipe my lips. I don’t know what to say it—but definitely, I'm happy. I'm excited. But I know where she's up to, that's why she’s saying this. “The day when Jinki came to my life... it was the same day; my mother left me alone in this world... I knew she send Jinki to me, that's why I cling on him... but all those years, I've always thought he hold onto me... he did... but it bound to change... He finally blurted the truth... it was you all along.”   “Sorry.” I bow in front of her. I tilted my head upward again, I saw her eyes, and it was shimmering. Then she sigh wearily, like she was about to choke. She stood up from her chair and kneels in front of me. I got startled. She held my hand. I said, “hey... hey...” trying to make her stand her up.     She sobbed on my knees, “you've got everything... I only had Jinki... I humbly ask you, to give him up.”   “It will always be his choice... so please respect whatever he would say.”   “You know Jinki... once his mind is set... it will never change... and one of us will get hurt... on the choice he makes.”   “He's the only guy—”   “He's the only guy for me too... I've loved him for years... It was me who love him first...”   That's not true... that's not true!I wanted to yell and correct her; instead I sniffed and look upward trying to fight the flow of my tears. I sobbed quietly.   No.
It wasn’t you who love him first.
It was me, who loved him before you. It was me, who always watch him from afar during his ups and down. It was me, who stood beside him during his downfall. It was me, who catch him when he fall. And... It was me, who truly love him.   “...must you take the only thing I had now? I need you to understand... that... I need Jinki... I only need him, in order to survive...”   --- “saeng il chuk ha ham ni da
saeng il chuk ha ham ni da
sarang ha neun Jinki-ssi
saeng il chuk ha ham ni da”   “Yey! Saengil chukha hamnida!”   “Jinki blow the candles!”   Everybody sounded happy, except for me. I had to put on a smiling face, as if I was celebrating a happy thing to. “...and now, let the annual pumpkin carving begin!” Sun Hee screeched happily. Then she passed the pumpkin to each one of us. It’s a routine, every year during Jinki’s birthday; we do this to compensate for the VERY late celebration of the Halloween party. Sun Hee as the judge, sat on the chair near the bar and look at us three. And Jinki, sat at the corner   ---   “Times up! Up! Up!”   I wiped my eye. Everybody seems busy that nobody noticed I was crying my heart out here. Should I really do this? Jinki and I… both of us will get hurt.   But I’ve already got everything, while she hasn’t. He stood up in front of me and handed his pumpkin, it says, “Marry me.” He was grinning, so do Sun Hee. They were waiting for my reply. I pursed my lips and look down. I opened my eyes wide and didn't blink often. As they say, it is easier to keep the tears from starting than it is to stop them after they begin to fall. It was the simplest yet the sweetest proposal ever.   ‘YES! YES!’I wanted to yell, instead… I -in a lungful air, and held it for 20-30 seconds. Slowly I released it. Then I bit my tongue, in order to divert the pain I’m experiencing. I looked straight at his eyes.   I smiled at him and say, “Friends should not fall in love with each other right?” Their reaction started to change. The aura became ominous.   “What?” I said and shrugged, playing dumb in front of them. Jinki look at the side, his jaw seemed tighten. He gawked back at me, with glistening eyes.   He cleared his throat and said in his husky voice, “I could understand you… and it would be better if you would just say, you’re not prepared, instead of saying some bulls like that.”   _____________________________________________________________________________   I didn’t answer. Coz I'm highly classified as guilty.   “Will you guys shut your mouth?!” Her boyfriend, who was our friend too, yelled. And we did -- shut our mouth. “Today is Jinki's special day... and we should not give any sarcastic remarks, or regret things that didn’t bind to happen before.”   I swallowed hard. It was my first time to hear him like that. My insides were shaking. I sat quietly on my place. He's right. I shouldn’t think of myself, I should not be selfish, for once.   “...If anyone present can show just cause as to why this couple may not be legally joined together, you should now declare it, or hereafter hold your peace...”   I tighten my grip and shut my eyes. My instinct tells me to stand up or yell in order to stop this marriage—this erroneous marriage. I felt my body rise up, but someone held me by my wrist. I open my eyes; it was Sun Hee and it’s getting tighter.   She bit her lips and shook her head slowly. I sigh and give up. I sat on the chair. I stare at Jinki’s back – he turned around then our gazes met. Somehow, I could feel his inner thoughts. I look away.   I'm sorry Jinki... I guess, I still don’t have the courage to do this.   “It should have been me.” I said under my breath.   “Yeah... it should be you.” I look at Sun Hee. Her gaze was fixed forward. I smiled. It was like push on my back. Nobody dared to stop the wedding, the preacher continued until they said their vows.   “...I pronounce that you are husband and wife. Lee Jinki, you may kiss your bride.” Jinki raised her veil. Their faces were only inch apart, but before he could kiss her. He took a glance to me.   I sigh silently until I was able to catch my breath. I nodded at him – in approval and in my sign of letting go. He looked at her again and they kissed. With puff eyes, I clap my hands, and chorus with other people.   ---   At the reception, I went first to the rest room and fixed myself. My make up got smudge. I look intently at myself in the mirror; I look like a zombie now. My baby face was gone, I got wrinkles, and I’ve got dark circles under my eyes. I put some powder on my face, some lip gloss, hoping that I would look good again. I fixed my dress, making sure it perfectly shapes my curve. Who knows, I might be able to meet other man here? I went outside as I heard the MC shouted over the microphone.   “Jinki!” I snorted and got startled as I saw him standing outside.   “Su Jeong...”   “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t be you're there?”   “Yeah, I know. I should be... well... I just want to say thank you for coming. I did not expect that you'll accept my invitation.”   “Of course, I would not miss this opportunity to see and attend the most important day of your life!” I punch his shoulder. Pretending that everything is alright, but it wasn’t. Even feigning to be happy in front of him, hurts