.melting

Luhan is like a snowflake against snow. He’s pure white against pure white, he’s barely noticeable, but when you see him, you can’t stop looking. He’ll stand out, he’s beautiful and he’s unique. He sparkles. He’s also very gentle and fragile, but he’s precious and everybody loves him. When he smiles, his eyes sparkle, and his smile can light up a whole room. But like a snowflake, he has secrets, too; people often ask where he comes from, asks about his love life, asks about his whole beautiful existence. Apparently, he falls like a snowflake, too, silently, delicately, secretly.

Sehun is the palm that catches him.

Sehun is a nice person; he’s very gentle and comforting. He’s the shoulder that Luhan leans on, yes, but Sehun loves heat. He loves the colours of summertime, loves the blue skies and the heat against his skin. He loves watching people enjoy the beach, loves the colours of the blankets against the yellow of the sand they’re spread. He loves watching the waves crash against the shore, finds it so relaxing yet so tempting.

Jongin is like the waves. He is blunt and he is fast. He can move like the waves, rough but precise, but he can also be smooth and fluid. Sehun is satisfied with just watching him, he gets fascinated when Jongin smiles, makes his eyes sparkle, like the sea under the sunlight. Jongin can also charm like the waves; if you’re too weak, you get pushed, you will falter, you will fall and you will drown. If you’re strong, enjoy the swim. Jongin is like the waves, if you walk farther into the sea, you will drown. Sehun stayed too close. Sehun drowned.

Luhan and Sehun have been roommates for years now. When they’d first met, they were awkward, fidgety, and they barely spoke with each other. But now, they’re casual, they laugh at the most stupid things. They’re best friends. They know everything about each other.

Sehun knows that Luhan loves to eat instant ramyeon, even though it’s not very healthy. He knows that Luhan doesn’t like to eat a lot, because it makes Luhan feel uncomfortable and heavy when he’s full. He knows that when Luhan smiles, he doesn’t always mean it. He knows that the smiles Luhan does mean make his eyes crinkle at the corners. He knows that Luhan is shy around strangers, and he knows that Luhan is easily flattered. When he’s looking at the ground, it either means he’s being extremely shy or he’s hiding back a smile. Sehun knows that when Luhan is disappointed, he takes his cube—puzzle—thing (Sehun can never seem to pronounce the real word properly for some reason), and he lets his steam out by just playing with it. He also knows that something serious is up when Luhan can’t solve the cube, ends up throwing it.

This happens a lot. Luhan sobbing into his pillow also happens a lot.

This is where Sehun comes in, sits next to Luhan on his bed and rubs his back comfortingly. At some point he’ll crawl next to Luhan, pull him from his soaked pillow, wipe his wet face and then he’ll allow Luhan to cry again, only this time, Luhan has to cry in his arms, and this time, Luhan cries harder.

(The only thing Sehun doesn’t know is why Luhan cries almost every night. He does know that this isn’t healthy.)

Sehun doesn’t know that Luhan has been lying to him about going to school; he doesn’t actually go to school anymore. Luhan has been doing three jobs so he can provide money for his parents back in China. Sehun doesn’t know that Luhan’s father refuses to work, and he beats Luhan’s mother, steals her money to drink and gamble. Sehun doesn’t know that Luhan’s mother was almost beaten to death because she didn’t have any money to spare, and she will most probably be beaten to death if Luhan doesn’t send enough money. Sehun doesn’t know that Luhan eats as little as possible just so he can save money, and he’s passed out twice at work because he was so hungry.

Sehun also doesn’t know that Luhan is so, so deeply in love. He’s in love with a person who laughs when he says a really corny joke, he’s in love with a person who disrupts him while he’s playing with his cube, he’s in love with a person who drapes his arm over his shoulders, holds his wrist (or arm or waist) like it’s right, a person who laughs with him about stupid things until four in the morning, a person who cooks the most horrible food for him when he’s in a bad mood, a person who holds him almost every night as he sobs like the wreck he is, as he sobs because he’s in love with this person, and he’s amazing and perfect and wonderful and perfect and he’s holding him like he means his life right now, and this person—he belongs to someone else entirely. Sehun doesn’t know that he means everything to Luhan. He’s no idea.

So when Luhan comes home from work one day and finds Jongin and Sehun on the couch, and Jongin’s hand is Sehun’s hair, and Sehun’s eyes are closed, his face and his ears are red, but Jongin looks like he was born to do this, born to make out, Luhan just gently drops his things, turns on his heel, and makes a run for it. He’s never run so fast.

Sehun finds him at one a.m. that night, and he’s leaning against this dark alleyway wall, and he’s soaking wet because it rained, it still is, and Sehun holds the umbrella up over both of them. Luhan looks up and his eyes are just dead, Sehun doesn’t see anything in them. They sit next to each other and Luhan listens as Sehun yells at him for just running away like that and you’re soaking wet and I bet you haven’t even eaten yet, and then he pulls Luhan up and drags him back home. Luhan glares at his back because he doesn’t realize that Sehun actually looked for him for six hours straight.

Sehun catches Luhan singing one night. Luhan is lying on his bed, and his head is hanging upside-down on the edge. Sehun watches him from the little crack on the door.

Luhan sings, he sings random words that are sown together in a perfect, melancholic tune, and it’s so sad and painful it actually makes Sehun’s heart ache. And Luhan is just playing with his fingers, his eyes look so dazed and far away; he’s there but he’s not. He begins to just hum deep in his throat and goose bumps rise on Sehun’s skin, he almost shivers. And then Luhan says something between the lines of, ‘Why can’t it just be me, I love you more than he does, I love you more than everything.’

And then slowly, Sehun starts to realize.

Luhan isn’t supposed to know about Jongin and Sehun. Jongin and Sehun don’t know that Luhan knows that they’re together. They’re not exactly trying to keep it a secret, but they don’t want it to show either. Except when you’re really in love with someone, it’s not very hard to know that he doesn’t love you back.

It’s his eyes, Luhan decides one night. He’s sitting at the table with Sehun and Jongin because the former invited them to. Luhan is silent as a rock, Sehun is trying to get him to speak, Jongin is being charming and y as (Luhan doesn’t wonder why Sehun fell for him). Luhan wishes he could be like Jongin, wishes Sehun would look at him like that, too, like he means the world to him. He wishes he could be precious, too.

Jongin realizes quicker than Sehun does. He can see it in Luhan’s eyes.

Luhan’s poking on his rice roll thing (he doesn’t exactly know what it is; Sehun made it), and Sehun’s sorting out words in his head, Jongin is waiting for Sehun to say something. Finally, Sehun raises his eyes to look at Luhan, and when Luhan looks at him, too, he smiles, tells him that he and Jongin are together, like together together, in the least words he possibly could (between the lines of, hey, just thought I’d let you know that Jongin’s my boyfriend).

Luhan smiles, nods.

He weeps again that night, and when Sehun sits next to him, begins to pull him into his arms, Luhan refuses. He pushes Sehun away none too gently, tells him to go away, and Sehun doesn’t. He doesn’t understand what’s going on, but he’s not angry, he’s just confused. He doesn’t leave though. He just sits there and watches Luhan break, watches the snowflake do what snowflakes do best: fall.

Sehun is the warm, warm palm that catches him.

Luhan finally relaxes enough to stop his sobbing, but he’s still hiccupping (and if he wasn’t so confused, Sehun would’ve found it cute). He’s sitting against the wall and he’s hugging a pillow to his chest. His nose is buried in it, and he’s staring at Sehun’s leg with red, puffy, still teary eyes. His skin became paler and there are streaks of tears on his cheeks. His hair’s a mess, like his entire existence.

Sehun shifts, turns himself properly to face Luhan. He takes a deep breath, parts his lips, but before he’s able to say anything, Luhan speaks and his voice is loud and clear, as if he hadn’t just been screaming ten minutes ago.

He tells Sehun everything. Tells him about his father and his mother, tells him about how they lack funds, tells him about not going to school, tells him about starving himself. And then he pauses for a solid three minutes, and then he tells Sehun that he’s in love with him, he has been for a very long time now, and he’s known about him and Jongin for quite a long time, too, and how much it hurts when he sees them together, yet it hurts so much more when Sehun actually touches him, or smiles at him.

Luhan is melting.

A few bus stops away, Jongin is smoking on his porch. He’s gazing at the sky because it just started snowing, and the surface of everything is already covered with a blanket of snow. He blows out a puff of smoke into the air, then blinks at something that’s sparkling amongst the smoke from his lips. He then watches a snowflake delicately fall, watches it sparkle, and he’s amazed by how awfully beautiful it is.

It dissipates mid-air.