Heechul knew something was wrong with Hankyung.
Hankyung probably wasn't aware that Heechul knew about it, and he probably didn't realize that Heechul knew what it meant when Hankyung locked himself in the bathroom for an hour, or stayed home when everyone else was going out at night.
But he did.
He just didn't know why.

Once, he had asked Leeteuk. If anyone knew, he reasoned, it would be the leader. But Leeteuk had looked at him through sad eyes and just shaken his head, leaving him with the words
"You should probably ask him about that."
But of course, he never did. He was Heechul. He wasn't good at talking about things like that. Actually, he couldn't and never did it at all.
Sometimes he went through different scenarios in his head - what the problem could possibly be. The only two things he could think of was missing China - thinking closer about it it didn't seem to be enough - and exhaustion. Neither of them made sense. So eventually he came to the conclusion that something must have happened in his past.
It would be so much easier to help him, if he just had something real that he could touch, have tears that he could wipe away and wounds that he could heal.
But now there was nothing.

Heechul sometimes thought that if Hankyung didn't need to talk about it, if it just never came up, if he could just let it slip, he could forget. Forget that anything had ever happened to him, and he could start opening up to someone. Preferably Heechul.
This theory seemed to be working fine - very well, actually. He could still see that distracted gaze in the Chinese man's eyes every now and then, but at least most of the time, the looks were replaced by smiles.

Until one day, when Heechul realized that forgetting and letting go was not part of the same concept.





"Hankyungie?"
He tapped lightly on the door to the bathroom.
It was a very rare day that consisted of Hankyung and Heechul being alone at home. Heechul liked the idea of getting attention from Hankyung when it couldn't be stolen by anyone else, so he planned on making Hankyung talk to him all day.
"Are you in there?"
Silence. Why was he taking so long, anyway? He'd already spent an hour in there, how much more of their precious alone-time could he waste?
"Hankyung?"
But there was still no answer.
Worried, Heechul knocked a little harder.
"Would you stop being so slow? Did you shower or something?"
No response.
"Okay, seriously, you're getting me worried now. Why aren't you answering?"
His knocking turned into an almost-pounding.
"Hannie, if you're in there, answer me now."
But there was nothing.
"Okay, if you don't answer in five seconds, I'm coming in. You hear me?"
And he waited.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1.
Five seconds that took forever, and then he launched himself at the door, which opened as easily as he thought it would have, and then --
And then Hankyung was actually standing there, and for a second Heechul was relieved because at least he wasn't dead, but then he saw then blood dripping into the sink.
Hankyung looked at him through the mirror, eyes wide and filled with unshed tears, and a second later he moved until his back was blocking out the sight of the blood.
"What are you..."
A tear fell.
Hankyung lifted his right hand to his face to wipe it away, and Heechul could see something shimmering.
He never really considered himself to be a genius, but he immediately knew what it was.
"Hankyung, what the are you doing?"

Heechul finally ran through the bathroom and stood behind Hankyung, and looked down into the sink.
He saw Hankyung's left wrist covered in cuts that varied in size, most blocked out by the amount of blood dripping down his arm.
Hankyung didn't say anything, but kept his gaze locked at his wrist. Suddenly he raised his arm.
Heechul acted faster than he thought he had ever reacted in his whole life, and reached out the snatch the razor out of Hankyung's hand. He caught a hold of his wrist, but Hankyung jerked away, and gasped as the razor dug into his finger.
"Hankyung, give me the razor. Now."
Hankyung shook his head and backed away. Blood dripped onto the floor.
"Give it to me."
Heechul followed.
"No."
"Hankyung, what the are you doing? You're giving it to me. You know you are."
But again, Hankyung shook his head, and his back finally hit the wall.
Heechul just dimly saw the trail of blood over the floor that was getting larger where Hankyung was now standing.
He thought for a second.
And then he launched himself against Hankyung, grabbing both of his arms. In a split moment, he could see and hear Hankyung gasp in pain as Heechul's hand clenched around his wounds, then all he could see through his dim vision was Hankyung's blood splattering over the wall, over Heechul, down to the floor, ruining Hankyung's shirt.
"Give it to me" he repeated, tears filling up in his eyes when he noticed how much the other man was crying.
"No."
"Give it here, Hankyung." He sobbed tearlessly.
He grabbed Hankyung's right hand with both of his, and finally managed to get a hold of the razor.
Hankyung stopped struggling and just looked into Heechul's eyes, still not letting go of the razor.
Heechul looked back at him, tears threatening to fall.
"Let go" he whispered.
And Hankyung did.
Heechul slowly backed away, razor in hand, and felt relief flood him for a fracture of a moment. Hankyung remained with his back against the wall. Tears flowed from his eyes, too, and he held out his left wrist, allowing the blood to seep onto the floor rather than into his clothes.

Heechul let the razor fall onto the floor. His body seemed uncontrollably cold as he watched Hankyung just stand there. He didn't know what to do, what to say, how to help - the only constructive thing he could have done had been taken care of.
So what now?
"Hankyung..."
Hankyung looked down on the floor and seemed to not be able to face Heechul's eyes.
"Just look at me."
But he didn't look up. More tears fell as the blood flow was becoming slower.
Heechul walked up to him and put his hands to either sides of Hankyung's face, forcing him to look up.
"Why?"
It wasn't more than a whisper, and it took all of Heechul's energy to not cry right then and there.
How was it possible? How could Hankyung be... doing that? His Hankyung?
Hankyung shook his head, and Heechul could tell he wanted to say something but the words wouldn't come out.
"I have to" he finally said, the words coming out in a sob. Heechul's heart froze a bit. He didn't understand.
"Why?" He fought to keep his voice down. Hankyung was shivering.
"Because I'm... I'm don't..." he stuttered before sighing and leaning his head back against the wall, escaping from Heechul's grip.
"I don't have time for your broken Korean!" Heechul yelled. He couldn't help it. Hankyung closed his eyes. "What are you trying to say?"
Silent tears escaped through Hankyung's closed eyelids. Blood was still dripping onto the floor.
"I'm not... good enough..." he whispered, opening his eyes and looking carefully at Heechul, as if he was afraid of him.
Heechul lost his breath. He didn't know what to say. Nothing made sense. His eyes welled up with tears, and he looked down, only to be reminded of what Hankyung had done to himself. He quickly looked back up. Hankyung was staring at the razor on the floor.
"Hey" Heechul said, keeping his voice steady, trying to keep Hankyung's attention away from the shining blade. "What are you talking about?"
Hankyung didn't look at him, so Heechul put his hands back on either sides of his face.
"Stop it." Hankyung looked up, breathing heavily, his eyes red. "Tell me. Why are you saying that?"
"They... It's what they told me." Heechul's heart sank.
"Who did?"
Hankyung opened his mouth but closed it again, shaking his head, and more tears spilled down his cheeks. Heechul had never seen him cry like that before, and it scared him. He wondered where the real Hankyung had gone... and then he realized maybe this was the real Hankyung, that he'd missed all along.
"Okay, you don't have to tell me."
Hankyung lowered his head.
"You don't have to. Just, please, can we move out of here?"
Hankyung hesitated, avoiding Heechul's gaze. Heechul frowned.
"What?" he asked, and Hankyung looked down. "Don't think I'm gonna leave you in here to... do that again."
"I won't" Hankyung said quietly. "But..." he looked down at his arm, where blood was still slowly flowing. The dripping had become a small trickle as the blood flow had slowed down.
Heechul followed Hankyung's nervous glance but immediately looked back up to his face. He couldn't bear to look at it, but he understood what Hankyung meant.
"Yeah..." he mustered, "we have to get you cleaned up." He grabbed the other man's right hand and pulled him behind him over to the sink. As he looked behind him, he caught Hankyung looking at the razor once again, and some part of him he didn't know he had exploded inside of him. He turned around.
"Stop it!" he yelled, and Hankyung took a step back in surprise. "Do I have to tie your hands together? I'm not gonna let you do it!" His voice came out in a high-pitched whine and he winced. He realized that Heechul's rage or pain or emotions were not what Hankyung needed at the moment.
"I-I'm sorry" Hankyung stuttered. He looked ashamed, and Heechul ignored the tears that threatened to fall from his eyes. He didn't know how to deal with these things. He wasn't used to helping people at all.
He dragged the other man all the way to the sink and the tap. As he started to carefully wash away the blood from Hankyung's wrist, he whispered
"Just promise me that you won't do it again."
Silence fell, and Heechul's heartbeat sped up. If Hankyung didn't promise to stop hurting himself, there was no way Heechul could keep him from doing it. He couldn't watch him every day, every hour, not with all the separate schedules they had. Suddenly the fear came rushing back, and he lost the tenderness in his touch for a second. Hankyung winced and gasped at the pain when Heechul swept his wet hand a little too roughly over one of the not-yet-closed wounds on his wrist.
"I'm sorry." Blood flowed up through the cut again.
"It's okay." The unstable voice made Heechul want to cry. He paused his actions and watched the fresh blood seep down into the sink, and was relieved at how slowly it ran.
"Promise." They both stared at the blood and listened to the taller man's heavy breathing.
"I... I don't..." Hankyung seemed to still be too shocked to be able to form a correct sentence.
"Promise me" Heechul repeated, firmer this time.
Hankyung did nothing but let the tears fall. Heechul began to softly wash away the blood again.
"Why are you doing this? How could it possibly help?" he begged.
"I'm not worth anything else."
Heechul carefully splashed warm water further up on Hankyung's wrist.
"Where have you been? Have you not noticed the thousands of screaming fans you have?"
He had expected Hankyung to at least show him a smile, and despite being an atheist, he prayed that it would make him come to his senses. But instead, the Chinese shook his head.
"They don't know me."
Heechul washed off the last of the blood and stared at the glowing red marks. Just hearing Hankyung speak made him start to calm down. He turned off the tap, dragged the other man out of the bathroom and into the big, dark living room, grabbing a roll of toilet paper on the way.
They sat down on the couch, and words couldn't describe how glad Heechul was that the other members weren't home.
"Maybe they don't know you" Heechul said while ripping paper off the roll, "but I do. And you are worth so much more than this." He twisted the paper several laps around Hankyung's wrist. Water and wet, crimson red showed through the thin material. Hankyung kept quiet, following Heechul's hands with his eyes. Heechul could see he didn't believe him, but didn't want to say it out loud.
"Don't you trust me?"
Hankyung looked down, but nodded eventually.
"Don't you know that I would never lie to you?"
He nodded again, still not facing Heechul.
"So will you believe me when I tell you that you are worth... so much?"
Hankyung finally looked into Heechul's eyes. Heechul was surprised by how steady and determined and... strong he looked.
Hankyung looked away after a few seconds. He fixed his gaze on the wall behind Heechul, and slowly but firmly shook his head.
Heechul sighed. He didn't know what to say, he didn't know how it felt to feel the way Hankyung did.
He noticed that the blood couldn't be seen through the paper anymore, so he stopped making laps around the other man's arm and put the roll aside. He lightly pressed his hand on top of the paper and held still. Hankyung closed his eyes, and Heechul wondered if it hurt... and if Hankyung was calmed by it.
They sat in silence for a while. Heechul kept his hand pressed against Hankyung's paper-covered cuts, and Hankyung calmed down with every second that passed. Heechul could hear his breathing slowing down.
"I hope you will believe me someday."
Hankyung jumped a little in surprise, and looked at Heechul.
"I won't let you keep doing this to yourself. You know that, right?"
Hankyung looked as if he was going to burst into tears again, but he bit down hard on his lower lip.
"Hankyung, please..." Heechul pleaded. "You said you trust me, and I want to be able to trust you, too." Hankyung stared at him. "Please tell me you won't be doing this to yourself anymore."
Hankyung looked away again, annoyance obvious on his face.
"Please, Hankyung..."
Frustrated by the other man's refusal to answer, Heechul used all his willpower to not scream at him.
"Do you not understand how dangerous it is? You could get really hurt!" Heechul half-yelled and looked at Hankyung with big eyes. Hankyung looked up to the ceiling and seemed like he stopped himself in the middle of rolling his eyes.
Heechul waited, anxiety suddenly returning again.
Hankyung sighed.
"I know" he said, pointedly.
And Heechul's heart burned with fear. His mind was flashed with images of what might have happened if he'd opened the bathroom door too late...
"I'm tired" Hankyung said, breaking him out of his thoughts. Heechul jumped up from the couch.
"Yeah" he said, his voice quivering. "Yeah, you should sleep."
It wasn't very late, but Heechul could imagine losing blood would make you tired. He shuddered. He turned his back towards Hankyung as he felt tears prickle in his eyes for the millionth time that afternoon, and he could hear the other man stand up from the couch. He walked around him and faced Heechul, who struggled to blink the tears away from his eyes.
Hankyung took him by the hand and lead him into his own room, to Heechul's surprise. He the bedside lamp in the otherwise pitch black room, and sat down on Heechul's bed. Heechul remained standing, staring questioningly at the Chinese man on his bed. Hankyung lifted the covers and looked at Heechul.
"May I?" he said, and Heechul wondered why he even bothered. It wouldn't be the first time he had slept in his bed.
Even if it had happened before, though, he couldn't help but blush when Hankyung moved against the wall and asked him to lie down beside him. Just thinking about being that close to him made his heart pound and he knew he was in for wonderful torture.
He slid under the covers and removed his socks. Hankyung was still far away from him, and he repressed a wish to crawl closer and... yeah.
As soon as he lay down on the bed, his eyelids became heavy. He wasn't surprised, though - seeing Hankyung in this state was exhausting.
Hankyung had his eyes closed already, and Heechul wondered absently if he was already asleep. He wished he could relax, too, but he wondered how it was possible for him to ever let the other man out of his sight again. What if Hankyung was gone when he woke up? What if he'd gone back to the bathroom and finished what he'd started?
"Do you really care?"
It was said in a soft tone, but it made Heechul give off a whimper of fright. Hankyung hadn't even opened his eyes as he spoke.
"What?" Heechul asked, perplexed. Hankyung opened his eyes and stared straight into Heechul's.
"Do you really care about what happened tonight?" His tone was steady and soft and full of Chinese accent. Heechul had noticed it before: his Chinese always broke through his Korean easier when he was insecure.
"How can you ask that?" Heechul retorted.
"You didn't, and don't, seem very upset."
Heechul sighed as he realized what Hankyung meant. He hadn't cried or freaked out or, anything that you should be doing when someone you... love... hurt themselves. He had just washed off his blood and sent him off to bed. End of story. He looked back into Hankyung's scared eyes.
"I didn't think showing you my fear would have helped you very much tonight" he mumbled. Hankyung didn't reply and seemed to be thinking over what he had said, and Heechul felt like a little boy, so incredibly weak and scared. And he hated it. "Of course I care about what happened..."
"And do you care about me?" Hankyung asked. Heechul frowned.
"What's the di--"
"Do you? Do you care about me?" Hankyung interrupted.
"Yes."
Even if it was just a simple question with a simple answer, Heechul couldn't deny that he was afraid to put himself out there and admit that he actually did. It should be obvious, anyway - their friendship was... something neither of them had experienced before. By the way they were always together, and from the way they talked to each other, Hankyung should be able to tell that Heechul cared about him.
A lot.
But maybe not just how much.
The 'yes' seemed to be all Hankyung had wanted from the start. He showed something that resembled a half smile, and closed his eyes again. Heechul didn't know if he was relieved from the absence of more questions, or pained that the other man was going to fall asleep and leave him.

An eternity after Heechul had first noticed Hankyung's soft almost-snoring, he finally dared to close his eyes. He didn't think he'd be able to sleep anyway, so maybe there was nothing to be afraid of. He definitely didn't trust Hankyung to not hurt himself again, in fact he was almost positive that he would try again.
He was terrified.
And he didn't really know how to face him when morning came. Things were painful enough with his best friend when every time they were together, he was filled up with feelings he could never admit to. As he slowly drifted off, he wondered how it would affect their friendship...
He opened his eyes wide.
Panicking, he remembered the state they had left the bathroom in. The blood...
At least one of the members had to be home soon, and he could not let them see the room like that. He guessed Hankyung didn't want to explain it, and he definitely didn't think he could come up with a good excuse.
He sat up carefully and threw a glance at the man beside him. His wrist was hidden underneath the cover, but his heart still ached when he saw his pale skin and swollen cheeks. He didn't want to leave him. He wanted to be close to him, and he was so afraid he would disappear.
He knew he had no choice, however, so he climbed out of the bed, and hurried out into the living room. He stopped in the doorway and looked back at the sleeping form in his bed.
It made him strangely proud that he was the one who was there with Hankyung. He wished it would never have happened, and he wished he wouldn't have seen him in such pain, but he was still glad that it was him and no one else that had found him.
He held his glance for a while before regretfully hurrying off into the bathroom.
The sight that greeted him made him cringe, and he almost stepped back out again. When they were in there together, he hadn't realized just how much blood that had been splattered on the floor and walls.
He took a deep breath and closed the door behind him. The area around the sink was the worst. He could barely force himself to pick up a towel, wet it under the tap and start cleaning before the tears fell, uncontrollably, one by one, down on the dried blood on the floor. He felt morbid, he felt like he should blame himself for having let that much blood fall, like he should have reacted faster, burst through the door 30 minutes earlier and... saved him.
He kept his sobs as quiet as he could while he scrubbed the towel against the floor, watching it steadily go from light blue to dark red.
When the floor finally was done, and the sink was the only thing left to clean, he sank down on his knees and breathed heavily, trying to compose himself. Everything was disgusting; he was cleaning up the blood from the man he... loved, and he wasn't even remotely close to prepared for that.
Suddenly he heard a voice outside the door.
"Hello?"
He sat up straight and inhaled deeply.
"Eunhyuk?" he called.
"Heechul hyung?" the voice responded, now closer to the door. "You okay?"
"Yes, fine. Please try to keep it down, Hankyung's asleep" he called, getting up on his feet and hurrying over to the sink.
"Oh, okay, sorry" Eunhyuk said, his voice now lower but from just outside the door. "Why is he asleep so early?"
"Oh, uh, well, we had a lazy day..." Heechul answered, hurriedly grabbing a cloth out of a drawer and started polishing the sink. "He's catching up on lost sleep, I'm gonna join him in a minute."
"Okay..." Eunhyuk sounded like he was trying to hide his confusion. "Do I get to say goodnight at least?"
Heechul realized that he probably had expected to come home and at least have the company of someone. Guilt hit him in the stomach, but he knew he shouldn't be worrying about that right now.
"Yeah, sure" he called back, trying to not sound too stressed as he wiped away the last of the blood from the mirror.
"Alright." He heard Eunhyuk's footfalls as he walked away, probably into the kitchen, and he took a deep breath. He looked around to make sure all the blood was gone, and then turned to look at himself in the mirror.
He looked terrible. His hair was in a mess, his eyes were red and puffy, and there were still traces of tears down his cheeks.
He the tap and splashed water at his face, his heart suddenly beating harder as he felt he had left Hankyung alone for too long. What if..?
He looked back up at himself again. Nothing had become better. Supposing he could blame some of it on just being tired, he hesitantly walked towards the door.

There was no sign of Eunhyuk in the living room. He hadn't expected him to be there, either - he only walked there so that he could calm his thumping heart by looking in on Hankyung.
He breathed a sigh of relief as he looked in and saw him still sleeping on his bed... breathing.
Eventually he gave in to the guilt he felt towards Eunhyuk and went out to the kitchen, finding him at the table, eating some kind of yoghurt.
"Hey hyung" Eunhyuk said when he noticed him.
"Hey" Heechul breathed.
"Bad day?" the younger asked, and Heechul was surprised. He didn't think Eunhyuk was that observant.
"Uh, well, not really..." Heechul squirmed. "It's been long." He pulled out a chair and sat down opposite him. "How was yours?"
"Ah, you know" Eunhyuk answered, waving his hand in the air. "It was okay. Have the day off tomorrow, finally" he smiled.
"Me, too" Heechul said absently. His thoughts were still on the man in his bed.
"Good! I was wondering if you wanted to do something" Eunhyuk said, his smile growing bigger. Heechul unconsciously looked out in to the hall towards his room. "...you and me and Hannie" Eunhyuk finished, his smile turning into a smirk. Heechul looked back at him.
"Oh..." He wasn't sure how much Eunhyuk knew - or thought he knew - but it was probably more than Heechul wanted him to. "Well, sure. We could... we could do something."
His eyelids were growing heavier by the second and he wished that someone, anyone could come home so he could crawl in beside Hankyung and just... keep him safe.
"So do you know when the rest of the members will be home?" he asked Eunhyuk, who had silently gone back to his yoghurt.
"No" he said, shaking his head. "I know Donghae will be home in about an hour, but I haven't spoken to anyone else..."
As if on cue, they heard the front door open and they both instinctively turned their heads to the doorway.
"Hello?" a voice called, a voice that was easily distinguished as Ryeowook's. Heechul could feel his entire insides slowly sink down into place: he could finally go into his room without feeling guilty about leaving Eunhyuk alone.
"Hey!" Heechul and Eunhyuk called back in unison. Heechul jumped up and ran out into the hall and told Ryeowook to keep it down.
"Who's home?" Ryeowook asked while removing his jacket.
"Me, Hankyung and Eunhyuk. But me and Hannie are gonna be sleeping, so... you've only got Hyukjae to entertain you." He tried on a smile. Ryeowook returned it.
"I think it'll be fine."
Eunhyuk stuck his head out the door and looked at them.
"Wookie!" he called. "Will you be cooking?"
Ryeowook smiled wider, Heechul rolled his eyes and Eunhyuk made a jump of victory.
"Wellalrightgoodnighthen" Heechul said, patting Ryeowook on one shoulder before almost running into his room.
"Night, hyung" he heard Ryeowook call after him.

Finally, finally, he slid down beside Hankyung, and was relieved to find that the other man wasn't facing the wall.
He lay down, feeling his breathing slow down and steady. He watched as Hankyung's chest rose and fell, rose and fell, and after a while he noticed that his wrist wasn't covered by the covers anymore.
It hurt.
The screaming red lines with traces of dried blood around them were all too visible. Before he could help himself, he extended his hand and let his fingers slowly the wounds. Hankyung frowned in his sleep and moved his head to the side, and Heechul realized his arm was probably still very sensitive.
He pulled the blanket Hankyung was sleeping under out enough for himself to fit under it, too. Inhaling deeply, he moved a little too close to the other man - a little closer than he would ever dare to do if he was awake. Close enough to count all his eyelashes and see all the lines on his dry lips. As close as he always wanted to be.
Despite how much he wanted to stay awake to relish in the closeness, his body betrayed him, and he fell asleep within minutes to the sound of Ryeowook and Eunhyuk laughing in the kitchen.



"Uh... Eunhyuk hyung?" Eunhyuk heard Ryeowook call from somewhere outside the kitchen as he was cleaning up after his meal.
"Yeah?"
"Could you come here for a second?"
Eunhyuk frowned a little at the uncertainty in the younger's voice, and put down his plate beside the sink. He made his way out into the hallway and was surprised by how dark it was.
"Where are you?" he asked, switching on the light.
"Bathroom." Eunhyuk laughed.
"Right, are you sure you want me to come in?" he said and stopped outside the door.
"Just get in here!" Ryeowook almost yelled, and Eunhyuk could feel himself become a little worried. He wasn't used to hearing Ryeowook like that. He opened the door and leaned in.
"Yeah?" he asked.
"Come here" Ryeowook said, waving his hand and staring at something on the floor. Eunhyuk hesitantly walked up to him. "Why is there..." Ryeowook crouched down and picked up something from the floor, "a bloody razorblade on the floor?" He carefully held it up, placed between his thumb and index finger, obviously anxious to not touch any of the blood.
Eunhyuk's mouth fell open as he stared at the object in Ryeowook's hand.
"What the..." he mumbled, not really understanding.
"Did you do this?" Ryeowook asked, his eyes piercing Eunhyuk in a way he hadn't experienced before.
"What?" Eunhyuk asked in disbelief. "No! I only came home a few minutes before you did." He didn't know why, but he felt a little offended. Ryeowook was still staring at him. "Do you really think I would do something like that?"
"I didn't think any of us would do something like that" he answered, shifting his gaze back to the razor in his hand. "But someone obviously did."
Eunhyuk's brain clicked.
"Heechul..." he said, lowering his voice. Ryeowook looked at him with big eyes.
"What about him?"
"He was in here... when I came home." Ryeowook took a deep breath as the older man spoke. "And he sounded really stressed when I talked to him."
"Oh my God..." the younger mumbled. "Is that really possible?"
"Well, how else do you suppose that happened?" Eunhyuk asked. Ryeowook silently shook his head, and Eunhyuk walked up to him and took the razor from his hand.
"What are you doing?"
"Getting rid of this thing." He walked towards the wastepaper basket, threw the razorblade in it, before getting a toilet paper roll and throwing a bunch of paper on top of the shining object, hiding it. "Come on" he said to the younger man before walking back out into the living room.

They sank down on the couch, not really know what to do.
"We have to tell someone, don't we?" Ryeowook asked, sounding unsure and dejected. Eunhyuk felt the same.
"I guess so."
"Should we tell Leeteuk?" the younger of the two asked, shifting his position and facing his hyung. Eunhyuk suspected that just the mention of the leader's name made Ryeowook feel more hopeful.
"I don't know" he said. "He has so much on his mind already..."
Ryeowook just looked at him.
"This is important" he said softly. Eunhyuk sighed. Well, there was no denying that, he thought.
"Yeah..." He felt as if he was supposed to take control of the situation and figure out the best thing to do, but the shock of hearing Heechul would actually do something like that to himself had shut down his brain completely.
"Well, should we talk to him? To Heechul, I mean?" Ryeowook asked, fear evident in his voice this time. Eunhyuk marveled at how bad the almost-maknae was at hiding his emotions. He couldn't deny, though, that he too was terrified by the younger's suggestion.
"No..." he mumbled. "I don't know." He knew he was being selfish, and maybe talking to Heechul would be the best option to go with, but he also knew he would never be able to bring himself to do it.
They fell silent for a while. Eunhyuk's brain wouldn't let any thought take form besides "...I can't believe it" and he felt fear rising in his chest every second. He didn't know what to do, and he was afraid of what might happen if he didn't do anything.
"Do you..." Ryeowook began, obviously trying to say something that was too hard for words. "Do you think he was trying to..."
"Don't say it" Eunhyuk interrupted him. "Don't say it. I can't..."
"I'm sorry" Ryeowook said and leaned back against the couch. Eunhyuk wanted to apologize and he didn't want Ryeowook to feel he had done anything wrong, but he couldn't really bring himself to open his mouth. He looked down.
Silence fell again.
"Should we tell Hankyung?" Ryeowook asked.
Eunhyuk turned his head and looked at him. He knew why Ryeowook would think Hankyung of all people would deserve to hear it the most. Everyone knew. Except for the one person who really should.
The thought that Heechul at least had Hankyung made him a little calmer, until he remembered that the Chinese man had been asleep when Heechul was... doing that.
Telling Hankyung... would probably, definitely help. But it would also hurt him so much. Eunhyuk shuddered at the mere thought. He supposed Hankyung would notice for himself soon enough, though, judging by all the time the two spent together.
"Imagine how that would hurt him" he mumbled to Ryeowook after 30 seconds of silence. Darkness was starting to fall in the room, making it seem black and white. He looked around for the nearest light switch, but gave up when he realized it was all the way over by the door. He sighed.
"I don't know what we're gonna do, Ryeowook." He stated simply. Ryeowook looked down. "We can keep an eye on him, I guess, but neither of us are that close to him."
"I know" Ryeowook nodded. "But Hankyung..."
"We should sleep on it" Eunhyuk decided. "We don't have to decide right now."
"But hyung, what if..." The elder help up a hand to stop Ryeowook's worried voice from saying what he didn't want to hear. He stood up from the couch.
"We can go check on him now, if that would make you feel better." Ryeowook stared at him. "To prove to you that we have time to think until tomorrow" he explained when the younger looked confused.
"Oh" he said, getting up from the couch.
They made their way as silently as they could towards Heechul's door, pausing for a few seconds outside of it. Ready? Eunhyuk's eyes asked Ryeowook, who nodded.
They pushed the door open, and gaped at the sight before them.
Hankyung and Heechul was asleep under the covers of the latter's bed, still fully dressed (thankfully for Eunhyuk and Ryeowook). Hankyung had his hand placed on Heechul's waist from behind him.
Eunhyuk looked at Ryeowook and raised his eyebrows. Ryeowook smiled and covered his cheeks with his hands.
Before Ryeowook had a chance to start giggling, Eunhyuk pulled him out of the room and silently closed the door.
"See?" he said, suddenly feeling a lot happier than before. "We definitely have time until tomorrow."
"Do you think something happened between them?" Ryeowook asked happily, and Eunhyuk was relieved at the younger's change of state. The mature and responsible side to him had disappeared into thin air, and his role as almost-maknae had returned at full strength.
"I definitely hope so" he replied. "I wish those two could get a move on."
He walked into the kitchen to finally clean up his dishes with Ryeowook half-bouncing behind him. His senses were muddled, and the mix of all the emotions collected in just this one night had filled him with emptiness. But he was glad, it was easier that way. He could wait to deal with those emotions until the next day.
"I'm glad you're here, Wookie. I don't know how I would have dealt with this on my own."
Yet he thought he was probably going to handle it the same anyway - he wouldn't be able to tell anyone.


Hankyung smiled to himself as the muffled voices moved away from Heechul's door and were replaced with silence. He hadn't had a chance to withdraw his hand from Heechul's waist before they opened the door, but now he was glad he hadn't.
He wished they could get a move on, too.





Heechul eventually discovered that he had had a misconception about promises. Apparently, they meant nothing.
He was starting to suspect that he was the only one in the history of the universe who actually stuck to his promises. He had been let down more times than he could count, but strangely enough, he never did think much about it. You let me down, I let you go, bye, I'll find someone else because you're obviously not trustworthy.
But this time, it hurt. It really, really hurt. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that for the first time ever, there was something close to love involved.

He was standing on a balcony somewhere far, far away from Seoul. The sun was burning through the thin, black material of his jacket, and it comforted him a little. It almost felt like being embraced.
As soon as they had gotten some time off (which wasn't very soon), he had insisted that they would take a trip somewhere. It didn't matter where, just... anywhere. And they had ended up here. Far away.
He leaned his arms against the hopefully stable railing, and buried his face in his arms. Tears poured as soon as he was sure that they couldn't be seen.
He had left Hankyung in front of the television in their hotel room after having calmed him down. It hadn't been as easy as last time.
As he felt the tears flow through the sleeves of his jacket, he let out a muffled scream. Muffled, because there was no way Hankyung should get to hear just how much pain he was in.
It had taken him months and months to get Hankyung to promise to never hurt himself again, and yet when he finally did, it had meant nothing. It had just been empty words. Heechul had thought the Chinese man had been doing so much better, but he was wrong. Now he was afraid that he had become someone who Hankyung felt he had to fake himself in front of, and that was the last thing he ever wanted to be. He wanted to be the one person Hankyung could cry in front of, the person that he could beg to take his mind off things when he really wanted to hurt himself, the one person that he would... love.
But it seemed like it was never going to happen.
He had walked in on Hankyung, once again, in the bathroom, with a tiny blade from one of his razors in his hand, blood once again falling into the sink. It wasn't very discreet, Heechul had thought, and Hankyung almost definitely knew that. Maybe he even wanted to get caught, but Heechul didn't want to ask about it. He felt his trust in the other man shake and shake and shake until it threatened to fall, and he wasn't sure he could do it anymore. He didn't even know what "it" was, but everything felt so hard.
So much time had passed, but nothing had changed.

He eventually dried his tears, took a deep breath and walked back inside. He found that Hankyung wasn't at all in front of the TV in his room, but on the couch in the living room, his back leaned forward, his elbows resting against his thighs and his hands clasped together. And he had been watching Heechul the whole time.
Heechul stopped for a second and looked at the other man. Hankyung looked back at him with an absent, dead look on his face. Heechul averted his gaze, and made his way towards the bathroom to wash his face, hoping that this time he wouldn't need to clean up Hankyung's blood.
"I didn't mean for you to get hurt" the soft, Chinese accented voice echoed through the relatively empty and bright room. Heechul stopped and turn around. He was silent for a while.
"Well, I did."
"Why?" Hankyung asked. Heechul looked around and exhaled loudly with tears in his breath.
"When are you going to get into your head that I care about you?" he asked, taking a step back to lean against the wall. He wanted to insult him, tell him how slow and stupid he was, but he knew it would hit the other man so hard, after everything he had been through. He knew Hankyung trusted him, despite letting him down. And he didn't want to destroy that.
"Maybe you do" Hankyung said, and in all its vagueness, it was an improvement. "But why would you?"
Heechul was surprised at how fast the tears welled back up in his eyes and spilled over his cheeks before he had a chance to do anything about it. He furiously wiped them away and ignored the horrified look on Hankyung's face, turned around and walked towards his room.
"You are so perfect to me, I can't even answer that question" he yelled, tears streaming again. He slammed the door, leaving Hankyung listening to its echo.

Heechul thought Hankyung knew he had feelings for him, and had known for a long time. He would have to be brain dead to have missed it. He probably knew, but chose to ignore it. So even if Heechul would ever say it out loud, which he wasn't planning on doing anyway, it would definitely not be now. Not when everything was like this, and the younger man would see his love as a burden rather than a blessing.
So not today. Not now. Probably not ever.
Hankyung was the only person who could make Heechul cry. He wondered how they were going to survive the rest of the vacation, and when Hankyung would finally start asking for his help.





Hankyung could feel himself shaking. It wasn't like this was the first time he had done it - throughout his life, it had happened more times than he could count. Since he joined Super Junior, though, it had happened less and less, with all the photo- and video shoots they were doing ever so often. Even so, he was surprised that it took so long before anybody found out.
And truth to be told, he was happy Heechul was the one who did.
Heechul was the reason he was shaking now. He had already decided he was going to do it - he was standing there with the razor in hand, looking at his scared, pale reflection in the mirror.
He knew Heechul would find out. There was no way he wouldn't. And betraying Heechul's trust hurt in a way he didn't want to experience ever again.
But he needed... release. He needed to do it, he needed to have that comfort, that rush, that rush that wasn't the painful effect of self-hatred.
He steadied himself by pressing his hands hard down on the sides of the sink. Heechul was outside in the dorm, probably prepared to burst through the door and cry again.
He squeezed his eyes shut, put the blade in his pocket and winces as he felt pain overwhelm him and kick him in his stomach. He wished he could get a rush some other way. And he knew the smell of Heechul's perfume, the feel of Heechul's eyes on him, even just the view of Heechul's face, could give it to him.
He stumbled out the door to find Heechul standing in the opposite side of the hallway, looking worried, as Hankyung had expected.
"Heechul-ah" he panted. His eyes were filled with tears - something he felt was permanent these days. "Help me."
Heechul stared back at him and drew a deep breath.
"What?" he asked from where he was standing, sounding so scared Hankyung unsuccessfully fought to pull himself together.
"I was going to... I wanted to..." he started, but he couldn't finish the sentence. Heechul knew, though. He walked up to him and placed his hands on his sides. Hankyung shivered from the touch, the cold, and the abstinence.
"Where is it?" Heechul whispered. Hankyung grimaced. He didn't want to give it away, but he knew Heechul wouldn't give up. He slowly reached into his pocket and pulled it out.
Heechul snatched it out of his hand so fast Hankyung barely registered what happened, disappeared into the kitchen and left Hankyung standing there.
"Heechul!" Hankyung cried, the shaking of his body reaching his voice. "Don't leave me!" He stumbled towards the kitchen, but Heechul walked back out just a few seconds later.
"I'm not leaving" he said softly. "I just threw it away. Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere." The soothing words burned up a few knots in Hankyung's stomach, and he nodded, pleading with his own heart to not let tears fall again.
Heechul walked up to him again, placing his hands on either sides of Hankyung's face. He looked into his eyes, and Hankyung missed the glint of pride that danced within them.
Heechul stood up on his toes and threw his arms around Hankyung's neck, pulling him as close as he could, and Hankyung finally bathed in his presence.
"You're so cold" Heechul said and pulled away. Hankyung latched himself on to the older man's arm and slowly nodded.
"I know" he said, his voice quivering.
"Come on" Heechul said, taking him by the hand and pulling him into the living room. He sank down on the couch, pulling the wreck that was Hankyung down with him.
"Please don't go anywhere" Hankyung whispered. He didn't want to be this mess, he didn't want to be a burden and he didn't want to drag Heechul down with him. He felt like his body acted on its own accord and paid no attention to what Hankyung wanted. Or maybe, he thought, it knew exactly what he wanted, and paid no attention to the borders Hankyung set for himself.
"God, you're shaking" Heechul mumbled. He put his arm around Hankyung and pulled him closer, and he placed his head on Heechul's shoulder. "It's okay" he whispered. "It's okay. You don't need that."
"Yes, I do" Hankyung squirmed. "I'm supposed to..."
Heechul put a long, slim index finger against his lips. His hand smelled of apple scented soap.
"You are worth... so much" he breathed against Hankyung's ear. "So much more than anyone that has ever told you that you're not." Heechul's hand was slowly him up and down his arm, and Hankyung closed his eyes. This was the rush he knew Heechul could give him.
He couldn't answer or respond in any way. A feeling of safety crept up so slowly that he at first didn't notice it, but somewhere in the back of his mind, he had always known that Heechul could give it to him. He cursed himself for having waited so long to let him in. Let him in for real.
"You're amazing" Heechul continued. "And you're strong for coming to me instead of giving in to what... they have told you." His hand moved up to Hankyung's hair, and he carefully ran his fingers through it. "...I'm proud of you."
When the last whisper reached his ear, he was convinced that his tears were not from hate anymore. It was from affection. He could not believe how calm he felt, and he couldn't believe how fast all the much darker feelings had subsided once he'd asked for help.
He buried his face in Heechul's shirt. He wanted to say thank you, but it sounded too weak. He hoped Heechul got the message when he pressed himself as close to him as he could, and his breathing gradually went back to normal.
"Good" Heechul said, a little louder than a whisper. "Good. You're doing great."
"It's not me" Hankyung wanted to say, "It's all you." But he couldn't. Not quite yet. Not now. Hopefully someday.
He knew he still had countless days of shaking to do.






It took a long time for Heechul to stop worrying when he left home for a schedule and left Hankyung alone or with the others. Actually, he never stopped worrying. He felt as if though over the past 6 months, his trust in Hankyung had grown a lot stronger, and sometimes he wondered if that didn't mean he should stop worrying soon.
Every time Hankyung came to him and begged for help, his trust was both built up and destroyed. He didn't know if it got better or worse. It meant he found out that the need to hurt himself was still present in Hankyung, but it also meant that he was searching for a way to not have to do it. And that was really what counted most of the time for Heechul.

He didn't feel like himself when he came home one night. It was late, really late, and he found Hankyung asleep on the living room couch. He couldn't help but (hope) wonder if he had been waiting up for him.
He walked up to him to wake him up - really, just wake him up, he told himself, but when he reached him, he crouched beside him and couldn't do much else than just look at him.
His eyes traced every single feature of his face that he could take in. He loved Hankyung's black hair - it was hair sprayed, but after sleeping on the couch, it was ruffled in every direction, still stiff from the spray.
He was wearing a blanket, and Heechul was relieved. He was lying on his side, one of his hands hanging down over the edge of the couch, his arm hidden in the sleeve of a light grey hoodie.
Heechul didn't wanna do it. Not really. But he felt like he had to make sure, and maybe he could finally, finally trust Hankyung as much as he wanted to.
He slowly, slowly, slowly began pushing up the sleeve from his wrist. His mind was convinced and telling him that Hankyung was gonna wake up, and he was going to be mad, and this, in a way, was a way of betraying his trust.
Slowly, it revealed his hand, the start of his wrist, a little higher, he was scared of what he might see, and
"What are you doing?"
Heechul jumped backwards and fell on his back onto the floor. Hankyung sat up and stared at him. Heechul cringed when he saw how angry he looked.
"Answer me. What were you doing?" he demanded again.
"Nothing... I was just..." Heechul indiscreetly looked around the room while trying to think of an excuse, but Hankyung broke him out of his thoughts.
"You don't trust me" he said, threw the blanket aside and swung his feet down to the floor.
"Yes, I do!" Heechul hurried. He pushed himself up to his knees. "I just... wanted to see if I trusted you for a reason." Hankyung frowned.
"Isn't that the same as not trusting me?"
"No..." Heechul tried, sounding as innocent as he could. "No. I just..." He sighed. He didn't know what to say for himself. Hankyung looked at him with searching eyes. Heechul looked back.
A few seconds passed, and Heechul felt more awkward than he had ever done in his entire life. Suddenly, Hankyung's expressions softened, and he pulled up his sleeves. Heechul stared at him with wide eyes for a moment before daring to look down on his wrists.
There was nothing.
He crawled on his knees up to the couch and looked closer. All he could see were red scars that grew whiter and whiter with each day that passed. He looked back up at Hankyung's face and tried to not look too surprised.
"I'm sorry" he whispered. Hankyung shook his head, and reached down and caressed Heechul's cheek.
"You had your reasons" he mumbled. Heechul could feel his entire face burn with heat and sent up a silent prayer that he wasn't blushing too much. He looked down and unconsciously leaned his face against Hankyung's cold hand. They fit perfectly against each other.
When he realized what he was doing, he looked up and lifted head enough so that Hankyung's hand didn't touch him anymore. The other man withdrew his hand, but he was smiling. Heechul found himself needing to fight for a breath.
"I guess so" he mumbled. Despite what he thought beforehand, he wasn't sure whether he really trusted Hankyung yet. Not completely. And in that case, he didn't know what the Chinese needed to do to convince him.
"You should go to bed" he said, mainly to break the silence. Hankyung smiled.
"So should you."
"On my way" he replied and got up on his feet, prepared to walk away. He looked at Hankyung's ruffled hair and smiled to himself. "Goodnight." He turned to walk away, but suddenly he felt a hand on his arm, pulling him back. He turned around in surprise and looked at the other man with big eyes. "What?" he asked.
Hankyung let his hand slide from his arm, over his wrist and grab a hold of his hand. Heechul shivered from the touch and hoped it wasn't too visible.
"Goodnight" Hankyung said.






"He seems to be doing a lot better, isn't he?" Ryeowook asked as he huddled together with Eunhyuk.
"Yeah" Eunhyuk agreed, watching Heechul stroll across the living room, aiming for his bedroom. "He's even wearing t-shirts, look."
"Mm. Now that it's summer again..." Ryeowook whispered.
"That's a reason I guess, but he looks a lot happier too, don't you think?" Ryeowook nodded as Heechul appeared in the room again, dragging Hankyung behind him. "Yeah, he definitely is" Eunhyuk said in a sigh of relief as the men in front of them laughed together.
"Do you... think it's because of Hankyung?" Ryeowook asked, lowering his voice even more. Eunhyuk fell silent for a while.
"Definitely."
Ryeowook smiled. He was glad they never got to tell Leeteuk or anyone else, even though he had yelled at Eunhyuk for ages when the latter had refused. He supposed the only one who could make him feel better, was the one he was in love with. At least that's what he could imagine.
But he, just like Eunhyuk, still wished they would get a move on. And they weren't the only ones.






Heechul couldn't believe how good he felt. It had only been a couple of days, but this was definitely the best holiday of his entire life.
Everything was perfect. He lay on a blanket on the grass, the wind softly, softly his face. The sun burned at his face and enveloped his senses in complete peace.
Not to mention, Hankyung was lying beside him.
After everything that had been, after everything that Heechul had done to try and help the other man, he was exhausted. He guessed it wasn't anywhere near how tired Hankyung was, but it was enough. He felt that it was a selfish thing to think, but at the same time, the reason why it was exhausting was that he couldn't stand watching Hankyung suffer the way he did.
And after all of that, in that moment when he lay out in the sun, life was perfect. And he wondered how long it would take for Hankyung to get there, too.
He turned his head and looked at him. He had dark sunglasses on, but Heechul could see he had his eyes closed behind them.
Ever since the night when he first walked in on Hankyung, he loved to watch him breathe. He did it as often as he could, when the other man was sleeping. How his chest rose and fell, calmly, peacefully, and it didn't hurt him. Every second Hankyung lived and wasn't in pain was what kept Heechul going.
So he watched him. Breathing. Just being alive. He assumed Hankyung was sleeping, so he didn't feel nervous watching him. Those were the best moments, when Heechul could stare at him without him noticing and being bothered by it. In some ways, they were some of the best moments of Heechul's life.
Hankyung suddenly turned his head towards Heechul and looked back at him. He smiled, a smile that grew wider when he saw how surprised Heechul was.
He looked at him with that smile for a while, and Heechul kind of wanted to look away... but only kind of. Meeting Hankyung's gaze felt so intimate to him sometimes, like the other man would be able to see into his soul and discover the love that he held for him. It was frightening, but wonderful.
Hankyung removed his glasses and casually threw them on to the grass.
"What?" he asked, though not annoyed. He sounded questioning but... happy.
Heechul laughed a little.
"Nothing" he said, and rolled over on his side to face Hankyung completely. He could tell he was waiting for a continuation from Heechul, but he didn't have one. At least not one that he could say out loud.
"Alright" Hankyung said in a laugh and turned his face back against the sun. He closed his eyes and kept smiling, and Heechul relished in the sight.
His eyes fell upon Hankyung's wrist for the millionth time. The scars had turned from red to white, but they were still obvious. Heechul wondered whether it would be possible to make them disappear by sunbathing. He doubted it, but he wished he could make it happen somehow.
He reached out and his fingers over the healed wounds. He didn't know why he did it, but he wanted to somehow... heal the scars, too.
Hankyung jumped in surprise as Heechul's fingers were cold on his sunburned skin. He looked down on the place where their skin met, and opened his mouth like he wanted to say something. Probably ask him what the hell he was doing, Heechul thought. And he asked
"Why are you doing that?" and Heechul smiled. Hankyung looked taken aback.
"I don't know" he said. "I just want them to go away." Hankyung immediately closed his eyes and turned his head back.
"I do too" he said quietly.
Heechul continued to the scars. He hoped that his touch felt good, that it calmed him even more than Hankyung's way - razorblade meets skin. He hoped that he was enough.
The wind increased in strength for a second, and Heechul welcomed the cool breeze.
"Heechul-ah" Hankyung said.
"Yeah?"
"I just realized something." Hankyung sounded worked up, and Heechul found himself a little nervous.
"What?" he asked, sitting up and leaning on his elbow.
"I'm okay."
Heechul's breath got caught in his throat. He couldn't believe what he was hearing, and just the fact that such a simple phrase would be hard to believe made his heart pound faster.
"If I wasn't so sick of crying, I would do it now" Heechul said and could do nothing but look into Hankyung's eyes. Hankyung laughed, and Heechul's senses turned to song.
"I know what you mean" he nodded. "I'm done crying for the rest of my life."
"Are you sure?" Heechul asked, relief flooding his body.
"Yes."
And the wave of happiness hit him so hard that he couldn't think. All he could understand was how much closer he wanted to be to the man beside him.
"Good" he said. He got up on his knees and swung one leg to the other side of Hankyung, straddling him. "Then I've got something to tell you." Hankyung's eyes widened in surprise for a second, but then he smiled.
"What?" he asked, and Heechul was sure the Chinese already knew what he was going to tell him. He knew he was still scared of what the response might be, though, but it was buried far beneath his happiness. Hankyung put his hands on his hips, and it was all the encouragement he needed.
"I'm in love with you" he said.
Hankyung's face didn't change for a while. He just looked into Heechul's eyes, and then shook his head. He leaned up, put his hand behind Heechul's head and pulled him down.
Heechul's heart pounded so hard he was afraid he would faint, and when their lips were just a second apart, Hankyung stopped him and whispered
"I'm so in love with you that I'm seeing stars."
Heechul exhaled and then their lips met, and Heechul's mind was filled only by the swirling thought that all of his dreams were coming true. It was so perfect his heart ached, he could never have imagined getting to kiss Hankyung even though he knew somewhere in the back of his brain that they would end up together, and he was so happy he could explode.
Their bodies moved in harmony and Heechul drowned in everything, the feeling of their lips together, of Hankyung's hands moving from his hips up to his sides and even the sounds of their tongues meeting.
They broke the kiss when Heechul couldn't keep himself steady anymore, and fell down flat on Hankyung. The younger of the two laughed when the older one was panting for breath, and Heechul tried to press himself closer to Hankyung.
He rolled off him and fell back down by Hankyung's side, and lay there, facing him. Hankyung turned his body towards him.
"Oh my God" Heechul whispered. Hankyung nodded.
"I know."
"Oh my God" Heechul whispered again. Hankyung laughed. "Don't ever stop laughing" Heechul said before he had a chance to say anything. "It feels like all I ever wanna hear."
Hankyung pulled him into his embrace pushed him as close as he could.
"Thank you" he whispered, and Heechul started suspecting he had died. Maybe there was a heaven after all.
He felt like he should tell Hankyung how much he loved him, but there was a time for everything. The time would come. Right now he just wanted to lay in the sun and become warm with Hankyung. After such a long time, he thought they deserved it.
They were both safer than they had ever been.