My Happiness
My Happiness (oneshot)
“I feel so, empty.” He answered back, his Adam’s apple trembling. Clearly holding back what has brought him down all these years.
“If you’re not going to tell me I’m afraid I cannot help you.” The therapist stated as he placed his clipboard down on the nearby table and grabbed a cup of coffee.
“Maybe I don’t want to tell anyone.” Baekhyun cried out and stomped out the room, leaving the door to swing shut.
“Who are you to tell me?” The man cried out, his tears streaming down his face.
“Please. Just, don’t jump.” Chanyeol finally revealed himself and he was floating in front of the man who was clearly shocked out of his mind at the sight.
“Am I dead already?” The man asked Chanyeol, wide-eyed and in disbelief at the man who was standing in mid air, glowing wings attached to his back.
“No, you’re still alive.” Chanyeol smiled and said to the man. “Now, stop what you’re doing before you actually are.” He then continued and crossed his arms in worry.
“I don’t have anything to live for.” The man responded, the wind blew hard and his hair covered his face but the sorrow in his eyes were clear to Chanyeol.
“You can’t keep searching once you die.” Chanyeol replied and the man’s eyes ascended from the one hundred metre drop to him.
“I’m so stupid.” The man said and looked down in regret. He instantly adjusted his footing and climbed over the rail to a sturdy platform of the rooftop.
“We all make bad decisions.” Chanyeol tried to comfort him as they walked together into the elevator.
“Will you be checking out now? Byun Baekhyun?” The woman at the counter asked him and looked rather worried. She didn’t know him that much but she knew she didn’t want to change that in any way. Baekhyun nodded at her and smiled, but his smiled never went to his eyes. Chanyeol was finished talking with the man who was about to end his life. But he stayed in the clinic, after all, he’s the angel of happiness and joy and he likes bringing it to people who don’t think they have any of it in their life. Like the man before.
“You know Chanyeol, someone here really needs someone like you.” The leader of the guardian angels, Suho, appeared next to Chanyeol and placed a hand on his shoulder.
“Really? Who?” Chanyeol looked around with a smile on his face. He sure loved making people happy.
Suho pointed out to the boy who was looking down at his feet, wearing a yellow poncho and ready to go outside the building, it was Baekhyun. “Him.” Suho finally said and Chanyeol looked at him and smiled. “What are you waiting for?” Suho said into his ear and gradually faded away from Chanyeol’s sight. And so Chanyeol knew he had to follow him home, so he did. The boy couldn’t see him, but Chanyeol could see him perfectly. Baekhyun boots squelched in the wet weather as he walked about six blocks from the clinic to what humans would call a house.
Baekhyun took out his keys and unlocked the door, letting himself inside by slamming it shut. Chanyeol breezily floated in and followed him up the stairs. He watched Baekhyun take off his boots and placed them outside near his bedroom door. Chanyeol could see he wasn’t the happiest camper. Baekhyun proceeded to lie on his bed and cover his face with his hands. His hands started trembling and he started sobbing hard. Chanyeol did everything he could to stop him from revealing himself. Baekhyun curled up into a ball on his bed and cried for a good half an hour. Chanyeol sat at the corner of the room, watching the boy let out everything that was a burden to him. But then Baekhyun went into the bathroom and Chanyeol couldn’t help but feel curious, so he followed him, going through the door, he then stood himself in the corner of the tiled room as Baekhyun sat in the opposite corner with something in his hand. He was still crying.
“I’m so pathetic!” Baekhyun cried out and Chanyeol felt the boy’s despair but he wasn’t human enough to feel it correspondingly. “I have nothing to live for, no one loves me,” He continued and proceeded to hold what was in his hand to his left wrist. At this moment, Chanyeol felt confused and scared at his actions. “I deserve to die.” Baekhyun continued further and moved the metal-like object up the inside of his forearm.
No one.
He walks a lonely road.
And it’s the only one he’s ever known.
The only one he will ever know.
And so Chanyeol decides to visit him one day in the office building he was the reception for, hoping that they would actually meet for the first time, without any ghostly barriers in between. Chanyeol was going to reveal himself to him.
“Hello there.” Chanyeol leaned forward towards Baekhyun over the counter. Baekhyun felt a bit bewildered at the tall man whose face was at a very close, very uncomfortable close proximity to his.
“Can I help you?” Baekhyun asked the tall man with obscurity in his voice as he looked at him weird. Chanyeol backed away to a more appropriate distance from the younger male and smiled at him. He shook his head from left to right and Baekhyun looked at him with judging eyes.
“I’ve been watching you, Byun Baekhyun.” Chanyeol said to him and Baekhyun shot him a really awkward smile.
“Watching me?” He asked him, horrified.
“Do you mind if we get out and get some coffee?” Chanyeol asked him as he was playing rolling a pen around he found on the counter. Baekhyun felt a little uncomfortable but he couldn’t help but notice that Chanyeol was one gorgeous guy.
“You don’t even know me.” Baekhyun ignored his own thoughts and went back to typing on his computer.
“Or do I, Byun Baekhyun?” Chanyeol spoke and Baekhyun’s eyes shot wide, he stopped typing and took off his headphones. He looked at Chanyeol sceptically.
“How do you know my name?” Baekhyun asked him, narrowing his eyes to his as he turned around on his rotating chair. Chanyeol instantly pointed at his name tag that rested on his counter, with that, he smiled and tried to hide the fact that he already knew all along. He guessed he forgot that he’s much more different than humans.
“Right…” Baekhyun sighed out in relief and was ready to put back his headphones in.
“So it’s a yes?” Chanyeol leaned forward to him again, smiling. Baekhyun sighed out, irritated.
“If I say yes, will you stop bugging me?” Baekhyun asked Chanyeol as gave him a tight and sarcastic smile.
“Yes.”
“Who are you, anyway?” Baekhyun asked the handsome man as he took a sip of his piping hot coffee. No one has taken Baekhyun out in a while, ever since his ex boyfriend, Kai, things were really different for him.
“My name is Chanyeol, Park Chanyeol.” He answered and bowed slightly, still sitting down.
“Where do you live, Chanyeol?” Baekhyun asked, he felt like he started to sound like the creep.
“I don’t live here. I don’t live anywhere.” Chanyeol answered as he looked around the room. The corner bookstore café was filled with dimmed fairy lights that went around the room and soft candles on each of the wooden tables, it was a quite an intimate place. Chanyeol’s hair was in curly strands, his highlights glowed in the flickering candle chandelier above.
Baekhyun couldn’t keep his eyes off him.
He was beautiful.
“So, you’re homeless?” Baekhyun asked him and coughed nervously afterwards, awaiting cautiously for his answer.
“No, not exactly. I just don’t live here.” Chanyeol tried to explain to him once more but Baekhyun’s face went blank.
“Well, do you have anywhere to stay?” He asked him, somewhat concerned at the ridiculously tall man he didn’t even know an hour ago.
“No.” Chanyeol said plainly. Baekhyun heavily sighed before taking another sip of his coffee.
“Do you want to stay with me?” He asked Chanyeol and wondered what was going through his head a short while after those words exited his mouth. Was he actually going to let a complete stranger into his life?
A ridiculously handsome stranger?
His answer was yes.
“Why are you so gloomy all the time?” Chanyeol asked him and tilted his head to the side, slightly pouting at his words.
“Again, you don’t know me.” Baekhyun tried to state the obvious but he could see Chanyeol was not taking his words in. “I don’t know…” He continued to sigh out and look down at his shoes.
“Well, how can you not know? There are many reasons to be happy.” Chanyeol smiled but Baekhyun didn’t return the gesture which made his fade away.
“It’s different when you’re dep- I mean, not happy.” Baekhyun went on saying and his eyes grew weary as they went back to Chanyeols’.
The two of them talked for a while, Baekhyun was warm in the environment he were in as opposed to the rainy and stormy weather outside. The more Baekhyun listened to Chanyeol, he learnt that he easily became fascinated with the things around him. He found him interesting and cute. The way he told stories about the ‘adventures’ he went on which sounded rather silly to his ears. But he liked the way he was skipping parts and making jokes that were not even relevant to the starting topic.
“Aren’t you going to sleep?” Baekhyun asked Chanyeol who was sitting solemnly on the living room sofa.
“I don’t sleep.” He responded and then faced him.
“Well, okay then. I’ll be in my room.” Baekhyun said to him and yawned before heading off into the only bedroom in his house.
“Why is there so many?” Chanyeol whispers as he sees the scars up all over his forearm.
“That’s why he needs you, Chanyeol.” A familiar voice broke out into a whisper and through his ear. It was Suho.
“How do I fix something like this?” He asks the father figure he’s always known.
“You give him happiness.” He answers him and smiles.
“Does this happen because he’s unhappy?” Chanyeol asks again, like a little boy asking too much questions.
“I’m the angel of happiness and joy.” Chanyeol said as he puzzled things out in his head and smiled to himself.
“Exactly.” Was the only word Suho said before his faint whisper heavenly faded into the dark silence of the room.
For the next couple of days Chanyeol has been watching Baekhyun sleep.
And every night he dreams about him.
That made Chanyeol the happiest angel he knew.
Today, Baekhyun decides to take Chanyeol to the park. He wanted to show him the world and how things feel. But he doesn’t know that Chanyeol cannot comprehend what he’s about to give him. At the same time Chanyeol was afraid to tell him. They both strolled along the park and Baekhyun couldn’t help but smile. Smiling Baekhyun was something that made Chanyeol really happy. He really liked watching him smile.
“Chanyeol, why do you always say you cannot feel anything?” Baekhyun asked him as they stopped in the middle of the path, face to face.
“I just can’t.” Chanyeol felt like he could only reply with that and it hurt him to know what Baekhyun feels every time he says it.
“Can you feel this?” Baekhyun went on his tippy toes and leaned forward to Chanyeol. It was the first time ever that their lips touched. But the sensations that Baekhyun felt wasn’t mutual.
“No.” Chanyeol answered. He could see Baekhyun’s eyes lose the sparkle it had just before the action he depicted on him. Baekhyun felt like an idiot.
“Oh…” Was all that came out of his mouth. Chanyeol couldn’t help but feel guilty. “Do you feel pain?” Baekhyun asked him, angrily almost.
“I don’t.” Chanyeol answered him, looking down.
“Then what do you feel, Park Chanyeol?!” Baekhyun shouted at him and almost sounded like he was crying as he began to step backwards from the man he knew was different from the rest.
“I only feel happiness…” Truth came from Chanyeol’s mouth, as it has ever since Baekhyun asked him questions.
“It’s all happy for you isn’t it? You don’t feel pain, you don’t feel sadness.” Baekhyun said with grit as he wiped away his tears and sniffled. Chanyeol didn’t know what to do. “You know what? I bet you’re not even human!” Baekhyun screamed at him and Chanyeol could see the same anger and frustration he saw that dreadful night when he watched Baekhyun do something that he’s never seen before.
“That’s because I’m not.” Chanyeol revealed, trying to catch up to him. Baekhyun stopped at his feet and looked at him.
“Then what are you?” Baekhyun asked and gulped down painfully.
“I’m your angel.” Chanyeol said to him. Baekhyun instantly thought he was a nut. “I’ve been reading your dreams ever since you let me stay with you, Baekhyun. They were all about me. All of them were happy.” He continued and saw Baekhyun calm down at his feet. “Believe me Baekhyun. Believe me because you love me.” Chanyeol finally said. There was no doubt Baekhyun was in love with the angel, but he couldn’t help but think about how stupid it was, loving someone who wasn’t even human. But Baekhyun was lonely and he was the only one that put a smile on his face, which made him laugh like no one else could. “And I love you, too.”
That understood him like no one else did.
Baekhyun fell into Chanyeol’s arms and hugged him tight. Chanyeol placed a hand on the back of his head to pull him closer, letting him sob on his shoulder. At this point Chanyeol didn’t mind that he couldn’t feel him, he just wanted Baekhyun to feel him.
But he wanted to change that as soon as possible.
Then Chanyeol instantly knew what he wanted to do.
That night Chanyeol spent on Baekhyun’s bed.
They were together but they both knew Chanyeol wanted more. He wanted to feel Baekhyun. Kiss him and feel the sweet taste, cuddle him and feel his warmth. But he just couldn’t. Baekhyun could feel every single bit of him, but to Chanyeol everything was just hollow.
Nothing felt real to him.
It was the one thing that didn’t make him happy.
And he was meant to be happy.
Chanyeol kissed Baekhyun from his lips to where his hips joined his legs. He couldn’t feel Baekhyun physically. But he could feel happiness he brought to him. A smile curled upon Baekhyun’s face when Chanyeol kissed him. The smile that made him smile everytime he saw it.
For once, it was the happiness that Chanyeol wanted to see in him for a long time.
He decided to kick it up a notch and rolled up Baekhyun’s sleave when he was sleeping. Chanyeol remembered he had the gift of healing, though it took the most energy for him, he wanted to use it specially for this purpose.
Why not look happy when you feel it?
And so Chanyeol kissed Baekhyun’s marks, up and down his arm. Although after this Chanyeol was drained of most of his powers, he knew he did it for something that was important to him. He finished off and collapsed next to Baekhyun, his back pressed against Chanyeol’s chest. In a case like this, Chanyeol needed to be taken up to Suho to regain his powers again. And so Suho took him.
“I guess you used up your powers.” Suho laughed before walking behind his desk and sitting down.
“Sorry, Suho.” Chanyeol apologized and rubbed the back of his head.
“It’s alright, you did it for what you believed in.” Suho said back and smiled.
“Yeah.” Chanyeol said quietly and smiled to himself.
“You really love him don’t you, Chanyeol.” Suho asked him and he let his eyes wonder, thinking for a bit.
“I really do. I wish I can feel the way he feels, too.” Chanyeol went into a daydream state.
“And you can.” Suho said as he flew up inside the room, Chanyeol looked up at him and flew up to him, too.
“How?” He asked.
“All you have to do is fall.” Suho answered him as he pointed down on earth.
“Fall?” Chanyeol said, confused.
“Yes, fall.” He could sense the care in his voice, Chanyeol knew he was going to do it.
“Take my wings?” Chanyeol asked.
“May God bless you.” Were the last words Chanyeol heard from Suho before plumiting down to earth. Memories of Baekhyun smiling ran through his head, the memories he knew he would cherish forever.
The memories that made him fall in love with human boy, Byun Baekhyun.
And Chanyeol smiled as he fell into the concrete jungle where he hopes to find his Baekhyunnie waiting for him.
Baekhyun searched all day for the angel but he couldn’t seem to find him.
He was no where.
“Byun Baekhyun, what were you thinking.” He said to himself as he looked into the mirror of the medicine cabinet. “Falling in love with an unrealistic being was the most stupidest thing you’ve ever done. You’re so stupid Baekhyun.” Baekhyun’s voice grew and his eyes were clouded with tears. The same anger he felt all when he felt alone and unhappy went back to him. ‘Happy’ was something very diminutive in Baekhyun’s life and when things were starting to get better.
How he felt delusional.
How he felt pathetic.
Baekhyun reached into the medicine cabinet and took out one of the most deadly base solution he had.
Bleach.
He wanted to end everything now and a part of him wanted to be with Chanyeol. But at that moment Chanyeol was the face of unrealistic humanity that his closed up little mind wouldn’t think of looking past through.
He wanted someone real.
And ‘real’ wasn’t Chanyeol.
Baekhyun took the bottle up to his mouth, tilting it all the way it down in one go. Burning sensations went all through the insides of his oesophagus. A tear rolled down his face before he collapsed on the floor and the room smelt of the strong liquid. Just as soon as Baekhyun was going to take his last few glimpses of the world he once knew. Chanyeol came barging in at the door.
He saw him there.
About to die.
Chanyeol felt something he’s never felt before, sadness. He walked over to the barely breathing boy and slumped down next to him, ignoring the fact that the liquid poison was stinging at his wounds. He then lifted Baekhyun up, resting him on his chest.
“Blood.” Baekhyun said as he touched Chanyeol’s bruised lip. He smiled wearily.
“I’m real now. You don’t have to worry anymore.” Chanyeol couldn’t stop his tears from running and it felt like someone was choking him, but he didn’t know any of that. But he guessed it was sadness. He felt for Baekhyun’s heart and it was beating slower every second. Chanyeol didn’t know what was going on. He thought he would get up from his dream state, but Baekhyun barely even moved. Chanyeol’s tears ran down on Baekhyun’s chest.
“I’m so sorry Chanyeol.” Baekhyun said quietly and Chanyeol saw the tear that slid down his face.
“I love you, Byun Baekhyun. Never forget that.” Chanyeol cried as he saw his love die in his arms. He felt so selfish for wanting to feel human that much only to find him dying at his arms. Baekhyun took every last of his living spirit to move up his head and kiss him on the lips.
A small peck.
But it was enough to make Chanyeol feel his love.
The love he had wanted to feel all this time.
“I… I love you… Too.” Chanyeol heard Baekhyun quietly speak out and saw the tiniest smile curl upon his face as he went off into an eternal sleep. He sobbed on Baekhyun’s shoulder, gripping onto his shirt.
“My beautiful Byun Baekhyn.”
Chanyeol could feel what humans feel now.
But he couldn’t feel Baekhyun anymore.
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