She had never before felt that sense of complete safety, of lying quietly on her bed, listening to the silence, not bothered by its secretive fright. That's why she didn't care when the telephone rang. That's why she let the doorbell ring time after time, not bothering to get up, even to acknowledge that she was alive.
After all, she wasn't entirely sure she was.

Maybe it was all a dream. Maybe she'd soon wake up and realize that she needed to take responsibility for her actions. It would feel good to be an actual person again, she couldn't deny it, but it was so much easier remaining in bed, clinging to that one photograph she treasured above all the others.
The girl shown on the picture wasn't laughing. She wasn't smiling, she wasn't stood in front of a beautiful lake or beneath a glistening sunset.
Maybe that's why Sooyoung felt it was appropriate to hold onto it at the moment. She guessed the girl in question wouldn't be smiling right now anyway.
She thought of the pain she was putting the other girl through right that very moment, and one lonely tear made its way down the side of her face and into her hair. She angrily wiped it off with her sleeve and turned over on her back again.
She stared at the picture, and her arms were staring to hurt from holding it up so long.
Her heart ached from just looking at the girl. Her blond hair lay wavy over her right shoulder. Sooyoung remembered putting it there herself.
She missed the blond hair. It always suited her so well, but maybe that time was past. The darker hair made her look more adult, Sooyoung thought, and maybe that was a good thing.
The girl looked up into the camera with a surprised look on her face, and Sooyoung remembered how angry she got that she took the picture without warning her.
...Yeah, the bruise was a happy one.

Well, the fact that the girl didn't get time to strike a pose was what made the picture special for Sooyoung.
Everything was so real.

She absently turned the picture from side to side, as if the light lingering on it could erase the deadness of it and bring it to life again.
Knowing that the person constantly calling her was the one person she wanted to talk to the most, and the one person she wasn't supposed to speak to, made it all harder. And yet, having finally made the decision to cut herself off made her feel oddly warm as she stayed in her bed - it made her feel stronger in her suffering. She knew her girlfriend (ex) was probably going insane not knowing what the hell Sooyoung was doing, not understanding what was happening. But Sooyoung chose not to think of that.
Sometimes she forgot why she was doing it at all. Sometimes she felt that she had already forgiven her, that they should be together again... but the truth always came back to her. Even if she had forgiven the girl, it would all happen again, sooner or later. And everything would have been a waste, all her sacrifices would be for nothing.

Somebody was outside pounding on the door again. The doorbell rang once but the person had probably already come to the conclusion that Sooyoung would ignore it.
Shouts and yelling was muffled into soft screams through the isolated door. Sooyoung sat up in her bed, pulling the duvet around her shoulders. She felt the tears ache behind her eyes again but blinked them away before they had a chance to fall.
The hammering on the door sped up. More mumbles reached Sooyoung's ears and she wasn't sure whether she wanted to pull the covers over her ears or listen to what they had to say.
She slowly pulled herself up off the bed and carefully crept out into the hallway. Hearing the screaming a little louder, she leaned her back against the door and pressed her lips together.

Soo, I know you're there! For God's sake, answer me!

Everything would blow over in a while. She knew it would. It had to.

Sooyoung, please, just tell me what I did wrong. Please. I can't stand this!

It was all okay. She was doing the right thing. She didn't have anything to be ashamed of.

Why are you doing this to me? Please, just let me in so we can talk about it! What have I done? I'll make it up to you, I promise!

It's alright. She was going to leave, she couldn't stay there forever.
But when the pounding turned into a soft knocking and the voice suddenly spoke in tears, Sooyoung felt like the worst person that had ever set foot on this earth.

There's nothing I won't do, Soo... you know that. Please...

It's no use. She had to remember what she was supposed to stand up for. Her decision.

Do you want to get rid of me this badly?

She knew she should walk away from the door, but she just couldn't. She felt so guilty she was choking.

I guess I'll go, then...

The voice became louder again.

But I don't understand what's happening so don't expect me to stop calling! I know you're listening, so... Well, at least I hope you are, otherwise I guess I've given your neighbors something to complain about...

Sooyoung smiled to herself about the girl's usual silliness. Being ignored didn't seem to stop it, and she doubted anything ever would.
The stairwell suddenly fell silent. Even though the stillness was a relief to Sooyoung's heart, she could feel herself getting into a small state of shock. Was she really gone?
She hesitated a moment before turning around and looking through the peephole.
She was gone. Sooyoung was naively surprised she didn't hear her footfalls through the deserted building, and she didn't know why it even mattered. It was a good thing the girl had finally left. Finally. Sooyoung was supposed to be able to breathe again.
She turned her back to the door again and the duvet fell from her shoulders, down to the grey floor.
And the tears fell.
There was no stopping it this time.
So this is what it feels like to move on



She wanted to think she was doing it partly to protect Hyoyeon. But deep down, she knew she wasn't - she was trying to help herself. No matter how much she wanted to be that good of a person, she was nowhere close to be that unselfish yet. And maybe that was another reason why the two of them should be apart.
There are too many 'maybes' Sooyoung thought and banged her fist against the table she was sitting at. She couldn't understand why, but hearing the sound echo pointlessly around the clean kitchen made her feel a little pathetic. No one was around to hear her frustration or help her with her confusion.
That's when her phone vibrated on the table in front of her with a very uncomfortable sound. She jumped at it immediately to stop the noise, but hesitated before looking at the display. She knew exactly who the text message would be from.

You're a coward for not giving this a chance, Sooyoung




So many wrong steps on a such an important road.
Eventually the warmth of feeling like she was standing up for herself disappeared. All she was left with was emptiness, and the question of whether or not she had made the right choice in letting go of her love.
Sometimes, when she put the question to herself in a simple manner, she knew she was wrong.
But by now, she had become so good at convincing herself things that it was barely a problem anymore. She would rather live a lie than have to explain herself.
As she lay in her bed one night, she thought to herself that someday, she would face up to her mistake and want to plead to Hyoyeon to give her a second chance.
She just hoped that when that day would come, she would have the courage to tell her she was sorry.
And yet she didn't deserve to be forgiven.
Cowardice.


She had put away the photograph in a box in a corner of her room, while half-heartedly trying to stop her regretful tears.
It was all a part of the process of letting go. The thing that everyone was always on about - the healthy thing that makes you stronger and grow within yourself... But, she thought as she looked over to the box and its brownish refraction to the white walls, if this was what 'letting go' was, it was seriously overrated.