DAY 110

Even after being here for so long, I still don’t know why the nurses make me do this. It’s so tedious. And boring. Though ‘tedious’ and ‘boring’ mean close to the same thing. I’m writing in pen, so I can’t erase the mistake I made. Well, I could erase, but then it would look all ugly, scribbled out in blue. I don’t like messiness. I like things to be neat and orderly. I wish I had a pencil. Then I could fix my errors. So things would be neat. Just the way I like it.

The nurse just walked in. There’s a girl following behind her? I’ve never had a roommate before. Why is there change? I don’t like change.

“Kyuhyun-ah, I want you to be nice to your roommate, okay? She’s new.” the nurse tells me; as if I couldn’t already figure that out on my own.

“I’m always nice,” I insist. “Why is she even here? There are other vacant rooms, right?”

“Kyuhyun-ah, you’re not being very nice.” she gives me a stern look.

“But I’ve always had the place to myself. I don’t like change.”

The new girl lifts her head up and looks at me. I’m not sure what she’s feeling. I was never really good at telling people’s emotions. I know for sure she isn’t happy. Maybe she’s sad. She looks kind of sad. I wonder what was troubling her. I don’t ask. I’m not good at talking to new people. I don’t like talking to new people, also.

“This is Seohyun. Make her feel welcome, alright?” the nurse smiles at me, and then does the same to the girl called Seohyun. She silently sits on her bed, a few feet away from mine. I watch her and then look at the nurse.

“Excuse me, but shouldn’t girls room with girls?” I know I’m being rude, but I can’t help but point out the rules.

The nurse is patient, like always. “Kyuhyun-ah, you should know we’re quite full in this hospital. This is the only available room.”

“Oh, okay. I get it.” I don’t question her any further and accept the circumstances. That’s the only thing to do in these situations. Father used to tell me not to dwell on things in the past. With every new day, keep moving forward. This is one of the few things I remember from my time living with Father and Mother and Sister. I do not remember much else. I don’t know why. “Keep moving forward” is all I can think to do.

“Why don’t you get to know each other?” the nurse suggested, leaving the room.

I stared at the girl, but didn’t say anything. Like I said, I’m not good at talking to new people. Maybe she’ll talk to me first.

But I still wouldn’t know how to reply. I don’t like talking to strangers much. I prefer playing games and putting things in order and reading.

---

DAY 111

It’s late afternoon as I’m writing this. Here is what I did today. I woke up at eight-thirty sharp. I glanced over at my roommate; she was still sleeping. I think girls always sleep in. My big sister valued her sleep a lot, I remember. After that, I was brought my usual breakfast--rice with my favorite side dishes, and five strawberries, just because I like strawberries and fruits are good for you. I watched Saturday morning cartoons while I ate. I know I’m a bit old for cartoons--I’m seventeen years old and one hundred thirteen days, sixteen hours exactly. I like cartoons, though.  I try to escape reality as much as I can. The world is scary, and full of even scarier things. I know from reading that reality is a nightmare. That’s why I watch cartoons. And read. And play my games. I like Starcraft the best.

After my breakfast, I played Starcraft on my laptop for a few hours. The nurse says I have a real talent for it, and I should enter those professional Starcraft competitions. I told her no, because I don’t like people, and I don’t like competitions. Seohyun was still asleep by lunchtime. I saw a plate of untouched food on the nightstand next to her bed.

When I finished my lunch, I played Starcraft again. Then I stopped to write my daily journal entry. This is where I am now.

Seohyun is still asleep. I wonder if she could have died in her sleep. Some people do that. But I guess she’s too young to die. Then again, I knew a boy who had a cousin who died at birth, and that’s pretty young, isn’t it? Life is weird like that. Sometimes, death comes when you’re not even a day old, and other times, death comes when you’re a hundred years old. Then there are those people who die in between. So bizarre.

Death is a part of reality. It’s another reason I don’t like reality. I don’t like people dying or the idea of death in general. It scares me. Thinking about it makes my fingers shake, so now my handwriting looks horrific. Okay. I stopped writing for a minute to calm myself by thinking about Starcraft. It always does the trick.

Finally, I hear bed springs creaking. Seohyun shifts and sits up slowly. I watch her and hold my breath. What should I say to her? Should I say anything at all? What if she’s mean, like my father? What if she’s deaf? Maybe she’s deaf, and that’s why she’s here!

“What time is it?”

I’m startled by the sound of her voice. I didn’t expect her to sound like that. I thought she’d sound gruff and angry. Instead, her voice is sweet and feminine. I don’t like this. Her voice gives me a weird feeling in my stomach. I don’t like unfamiliar sensations.

“It’s four-thirteen and two seconds in the afternoon.” I tell her.

She furrows her eyebrows at me. This is the first time I get a good look at her. She has long, dark brown hair. Her eyes are the same dark brown. They remind me of chocolate. She has a round face, with angelic features. I’ve never seen an angel before, but I think she could be the closest resemblance to a real one.

“Thanks,” she replies.

“You’re welcome, Seohyun.”

She doesn’t say anything for a while. Then, “What’s your name?”

“Cho Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun.”

“My real name is Seo Joohyun.” she says, staring straight at me. It makes me feel uncomfortable and I get that weird feeling in the pit of my stomach again. “You can call me Joohyun.”

“Where did ‘Seohyun’ come from then?” I have a natural curiosity.

“It’s a nickname. My friends used to call me that.”

“Used to? What happened? Did they die?”

For the very first time since she entered this room, she smiles. It’s a very small smile, but a smile. I can’t help but feel proud; I’m the one who made her smile. I did something good. She looks pretty when she smiles, like those celebrities on magazines. Again, the weird feeling returns.

“No, they didn’t die. They’re not my friends anymore.”

“Well, why not?”

She doesn’t answer, and I assume I’ve accidentally crossed over into “personal territory”, as the nurse told me once. Everyone has personal territory. It’s not really actual space. It’s a term that means you’re getting yourself into things that you shouldn’t get yourself involved in, because it’s not your business. I quickly apologize for asking and she shakes her head.

“It’s okay. It’s my fault they’re not my friends anymore.”

“If it makes you feel better, I don’t have friends either. I’m not good at talking to people. But for some reason, I can talk to you.” I find that I’m babbling and talking more than I ever have. What’s so different about this girl?

Joohyun just nods. I take this as a cue to stop talking and turn away. I think she’s smiling to herself. She’s pretty.

There it goes. My stomach.

I, Cho Kyuhyun, have made my first friend, at four-seventeen and fifty-nine seconds on this sunny, late summer afternoon.

---

DAY 112

I have learned some things about Joohyun. She opened up to me last night as we were lying in our beds. Here is what I learned:

·         She is sixteen years old.

·         She’s an only child.

·         She had dreams of attending university.

·         She wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer.

·         She likes apples.

·         She came here without telling her parents. In other words, she ran away.

·         She’s really smart.

·         She doesn’t believe in love (anymore).

“I don’t believe in love either.” I said to her.

“Really?”

“I’ve never liked anyone like that. And I think love is overrated. Sooner or later, all couples separate.”

“You’ve never liked anyone?”

“No. I think that when I like someone, I’ll know.”

“How?”

“I’ll see her glowing with some kind of heavenly light. Or I’ll hear a chorus of angels.”

“Kyuhyun.”

“Yes?”

“Can I tell you something?”

“Yes, I won’t tell anyone.”

“I know you won’t.”

I waited for her to go on.

“My ex-boyfriend’s name is Yonghwa.”

“Oh. I don’t know anyone by that name.”

“I just wanted to tell you. Okay?”

“Okay.”

DAY 113

The weirdest thing happened today. When I woke up, the curtains were drawn. The first thing I saw when I turned my head away from the sun was Joohyun’s face, poking out of her blankets, bathed in a golden glow. I felt like I was going to puke. I couldn’t remember what I had for dinner. It felt like there were kangaroos in my stomach, kicking me in the gut. I raced to the bathroom and put my face over the toilet.

I didn’t puke.

I told the nurse later on when she came in. Joohyun was still asleep. The nurse smiled at me and said that I was experiencing some new emotions. I asked her what, and she didn’t answer.

Then she left.

I sighed. It bothered me when I didn’t get answers.

---

DAY 114

I kept the lamp on so I could write. I forgot to write today. I was busy with Starcraft. Joohyun said she wanted to learn. I said that maybe I’d teach her someday. She asked if Starcraft had anything to do with actual stars. I rolled my eyes--an action I rarely performed--and said that Starcraft wasn’t about stars. It was too complicated for her to understand.

We left the conversation there.

“What do you do when you can’t sleep?” Joohyun asks me in the middle of my journaling.

“Easy,” I say, “I just count the stars.”

“What stars?”

“The little specks on the ceiling. See ‘em?”

“But there’s so many...”

“Exactly. Eventually, your brain gets tired and you fall victim to sleep.”

“You sound like a doctor or something, Kyuhyun.”

“I don’t want to be a doctor. I want to be a singer.”

“You sing?” she asks. I can tell she’s shocked.

“I don’t sing much anymore, but yes.” I admit.

“You should sing for me someday.”

“Maybe after I teach you how to play Starcraft. Then you could play with me.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

---

 

DAY 116

I skipped a day because I stayed up too late last night counting the stars. Joohyun and I made it to seven hundred before falling asleep.

I told her it was foolproof.

---

DAY 117

I noticed something today. Joohyun always wears long-sleeved shirts, even though it was twenty-six degrees Celsius outside and the air conditioning was broken. I wondered if she just didn’t own any short-sleeved shirts. I thought about offering her some of mine to wear, but then I realized that that would be an invasion of my own personal territory.

Also, I would feel awkward and strange seeing Joohyun in my clothes. Girls should wear girl clothes and boys should wear boy clothes. That is the natural order of things in life.

---

DAY 118

Last night, Joohyun and I counted one thousand, three-hundred sixty-four stars.

I woke up in a cold sweat because I had a bad dream. I was never any good at remembering my dreams completely, but I could normally recall bits and pieces. This dream, I remembered every bit and piece. There was a cliff. Joohyun was standing at the edge of it. I was standing a respectable distance away, watching her to see what she would do. She put one foot out over the open air. I kept watching; I didn’t do anything. She eventually leaped. All I could do was stare.

I debated with myself on whether or not to tell Joohyun. I decided against in the end. She was smiling a lot today, and I didn’t want to horrify her with my nightmare.

I think she’s really starting to like it here.

I am, too.

DAY 119

Joohyun and I played Twenty Questions today. The rules of the game itself are pretty simple, and I’m a fast learner. We changed it to Ten Questions to save time.

“I’ll go first,” Joohyun pouted--this was her thinking face--and then her face lighted up. “What are you most afraid of?”

“Meeting new people, disorder, and death.” I ticked each point off on my fingers.

“But you didn’t seem to be afraid of meeting me,” Joohyun frowned.

“I don’t know. That was weird. It was a first-time thing for me.”

“Oh. Your turn.”

“What’s a hidden talent you have?” I asked.

“Uh,” her cheeks turned pink. “I can sort of...sing?”

“You can?” I gaped.

“Yeah. My friends pressured me into auditioning for SM.”

“Whoa, that big music label! Did you make it?”

“Yeah.”

My jaw dropped further. “Then what are you doing here?”

“I turned them down.” Joohyun said. “My turn now. Do you have any siblings?”

“I have a big sister named Ahra. She plays the violin.” I told her. “What were your friends like?”

“My closest unnie was really funny. She was kind of like the moodmaker of the group. She danced, too.”

“Was she good?” I knew it wasn’t polite to prod further, but I was too curious.

Joohyun smiled lightly. “She was amazing. Okay, what was your best subject in school?”

“Math! I love math. What was yours?”

“History.”

“Boring,” I commented.

“What’s one of your hidden talents?” Joohyun asked.

“I have a photographic memory.”

“Really? That’s interesting.”

“Uh-huh. What’s something you wanna do before you die?”

Joohyun got really quiet for a while. I think I invaded her personal territory again. After four minutes, she started speaking again. “I think I’d wanna fall in love again, and not get hurt.”

“I don’t believe in love. It’s just a part of fiction and fairytales. And fiction is fiction.”

She grimaced. “I guess you’re right.”

“You get the last question.” I reminded her.

“Hm...why don’t you believe in love, Kyuhyun?”

I shrugged. “Because it doesn’t exist.”

“But I was once in love!” she argued.

“No, you thought you were in love. You were deluded by false promises and kind actions.”

“I see. So you’ll never be in love?”

“That’s right.”

She didn’t say anything after that.

---

DAY 120

Joohyun and I have made it a nightly ritual to count the stars until we get them all. The ceiling is low, so if I stand on my nightstand, I can touch the ceiling. Joohyun lends me a permanent marker to mark all the specks we’ve counted. It’s a bit tiring, but I feel like if we complete this seemingly impossible and trivial task, we’ll have accomplished something spectacular.

At least, that’s what Joohyun said, word for word.

Last night, we got up to two thousand, exactly.

---

DAY 121

I was all alone today in Room 169 playing Starcraft and reading my books. Joohyun had an important appointment with her therapist. I still wonder what she’s doing in this place with people like me. There’s nothing wrong with Joohyun. She’s smart and nice and normal. This place isn’t for normal. It’s for the ones who don’t belong.

Like me.

In the book I’m reading, the main character’s best friend is going through some hard times because the one he loved died. I don’t understand that at all.

Oh, well. Back to Starcraft.

---

DAY 122

Joohyun returned today, but she didn’t talk much. I assumed she was sick or something. There was a virus going around...I think. Maybe she had a sore throat or a headache or worse, a migraine! I had one of those before and I don’t remember what happened. All I know is that it wasn’t pleasant and I was miserable the whole day.

I read more of my book while Joohyun kept her attention on the TV screen. Some kind of drama was on. I wasn’t interested. Before I turned in for the night, she walked over to my bed and tapped me on the shoulder. Startled, I swatted her hand away.

“What?” I whispered.

She stared at me for a long time. Then, “Never mind. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” I said back.

---

DAY 123

“Goodbye, Kyuhyun,” I heard the whisper in my dream.

I figured out it wasn’t a dream. Joohyun talked to me early in the morning. She left again for a session, so I was left alone...again.

Only now did I realize how lonely I was for one hundred and ten days. Usually, I never felt the emotion of loneliness because I entertain myself with Starcraft and books. It’s strange because I’ve gotten so accustomed to talking to Joohyun all the time since she arrived, but now, it’s strange not talking to her all the time.

“Do you want to talk, Kyuhyun-ah?” the nurse asks me in a soft voice.

I shake my head.

She leaves.

---

DAY 124

I woke up this morning and Joohyun wasn’t asleep as usual. Her bed was the way she left it when she was whisked off to her session. Worst case scenarios started to pop into my head, but I calmed myself down by breathing in and out and counting to ten. I waited for the nurse to bring me breakfast. When she finally came around, I asked her where Joohyun was.

“Ah, Joohyun, she’s just visiting her family.”

I was really surprised. “Really?”

“Mm-hmm,” the nurse nodded. “Her...family came around to pick her up and she’s just spending the weekend with them. That’s all.”

“So she’ll be back on Monday?”

“Um, I’m not sure. Her family could want to spend more time with her. They---they miss her, you see.”

“Wait,” I frowned deeply. “Joohyun said that she ran away from home. Why would her parents want to visit her?”

“It’s complicated, Kyuhyun-ah.” the nurse said in a low voice, leaving me to my solitude.

---

DAY 125

It’s Sunday today, and hopefully Joohyun comes back tomorrow. I’ve been counting stars without her. I wrote down the new number on a piece of paper and left it on her pillow: 3,999.

I thought I’d save the 4000th star for when she gets back, and I can count it with her.

“Kyuhyun-ah, have you been getting any sleep?” the nurse gasped, seeing my haggard expression.

“What about you? Why are your eyes so red and puffy?”

“Minor allergies. Don’t worry, Kyuhyun-ah, I’m fine.”

“Statistics have proven ninety-one percent of people who say, ‘I’m fine,’ really aren’t.” I informed her.

The nurse laughed a high, airy laugh. “I really am fine, Kyuhyun-ah. Go on and eat your breakfast.”

She went to fix Joohyun’s bed. I watched her from my peripherals while chewing on a piece of chicken. She fixed the bedsheets and the blankets and fluffed the pillow, but she didn’t seem to notice my piece of paper that clung to the pillow. She finally saw it. She gazed at it for a few seconds.

Then she frowned.

And left.

But not before I saw the tear rolling down her face. I wasn’t sure if that was a part of allergies or not, but something wasn’t right.

I finished my breakfast and mulled it over the whole day, awaiting Joohyun’s return.

---

DAY 126

I was beginning to come to the realization that her parents didn’t take their daughter away for a lovely visit. I’m no Sherlock Holmes, but I’m not stupid. I got a new nurse today, an old batty-looking one who doesn’t speak much. I miss my old nurse a lot.

“Where’s my old nurse?”

“She retired, kid. Left the hospital last night.”

“But why? She wasn’t old!” I reasoned.

“I heard that she was too grief-stricken to work in your room any longer.” the old woman coughed loudly, hacking. I covered my face so I wouldn’t get sick. “Something about a tragedy.”

“What tragedy?” I tried to think of something, anything. “Does she not like me?”

“No, she sends her best to you.”

“Only to me? What about Joohyun?”

“Oh, yeah, that’s the name.” the new nurse snapped her fingers. “Joohyun’s gone.”

“She’s with her parents, right?” I blinked a few times.

“Parents? I don’t know anything about parents, but Joohyun’s gone. She committed suicide.”

Edit from Day 127: I had to stop writing so abruptly because the page got wet. Drops of water came from my eyes for some odd, unknown reason.

---

DAY 127

I had a terrible dream last night that Joohyun jumped off a cliff and I cried my eyes out. It was awful. I woke up and she wasn’t in the room.

I guessed I was having a dream within a dream or something like that. Joohyun would never kill herself. She was so happy whenever I saw her. I even made her laugh a few times. A person like that would have no reason to rob their life, at all. I tried my hand at lucid dreaming, to control my dreams and make the bad things go away. It didn’t work.

Plus, weren’t there things like warning signs of a suicidal person? I read it in a hospital pamphlet once. One of them was a drastic change in appearance, and another was isolating themselves from friends and loved ones. Joohyun looked the same every day, and she always talked to me, unless she didn’t consider me a friend. I considered her my friend. She’s my first friend and I think that’s special.

When the door opened, I thought I would see Joohyun again, smiling and happy. Instead, I saw my old nurse. She looked worse than the last time I saw her.

“Why did you leave? What happened?” I blurted out, and I usually never blurt.

“Kyuhyun, please, just take this.” she pushed an envelope into my hands. “Don’t read it until tomorrow. You have to promise.”

“But why?” I asked impatiently.

She smiled sadly, the way people do in movies. “Tomorrow is her birthday.”

---

DAY 128

Here, I have recorded Seo Joohyun’s last letter word for word. Note: This is the only time I will ever scribble anything.

Dear Kyuhyun

To Kyuhyun:

Hi

Kyuhyun,

By the time you’re reading this, I’m long gone, and there’s no way I can return. It’s sudden and...rash, I know. Impulsive and stupid. I’m sorry. My apology isn’t good enough, but I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I had my reasons. I wanted to share them with you, but I knew you wouldn’t be able to understand. I tried keeping things to myself, but then I was forced to those therapy sessions, remember? They tried helping me, and I tried helping myself, but...I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it. I’m a coward and a fool. I let everything in my head get to me. I even left the world the cowardly way, with an overdose on some kind of drug I found lying around. Hospitals have lots of those, you know. Drugs. It was rather lucky for me that the easy way out was everywhere.

I don’t know where I’m going with this, but I’ll tell you one thing. If God told me to stay, to stay for just one thing, anything my heart desired and I would have it--I would’ve stayed. I would’ve stayed for you. Actually, Kyuhyun, you sort of assisted me in completing my one goal before dying, and that was falling in love again without getting hurt. Well, I got it halfway, right? But it didn’t matter, trying to stay for you, because I lost faith. I knew that I had dug my own grave--no pun intended--because you don’t believe in love. You don’t, but I do. I fell for you. There, I said it. I was in love with you. People say teenagers don’t understand love, or that you can’t possibly fall in love in such a short amount of time. They only say it’s impossible because they’ve never experienced it themselves.

Anyways, I’m rambling too much.

I’m sorry, again. I’m sorry I never told you, I’m sorry I kept a world of secrets from you, I’m sorry I ruined our friendship, and I’m sorry I never got to sing for you. But hey, you should definitely go and pursue that singing dream. I’m sure your voice is incredibly talented and special.

This is goodbye, I guess.

I’m so sorry.

- Joohyun

P.S.  I finished counting the stars--without you, I’m sorry. 3,482,326. What if they were all shooting stars? We could make so many wishes, huh?

Edit from Day 129: The last few words are “make so many wishes, huh?” It got wet again.

---

DAY 228

I must take back my statement about not believing in love.

Love is real. Love is strong. Love hurts. Love builds bridges where there are none, but love, can also break bridges just as easily. Joohyun gave me the gift of friendship when I thought I’d never see it in my life. But she also left too soon and everything that was settling into place, everything that I was really starting to like, disappeared like one big magic trick.

I thought Joohyun was just a friend, my first friend, my only friend, my good friend.

It took me much, much too long to realize that she wasn’t a friend.

She was my first love.

And she’s gone. I didn’t realize the warning signs were all there from the start. Her running away. Her family problems. She left her friends, isolating herself. She was going to go to college, but then she came instead, to a hospital to try and save herself. Her ex-boyfriend haunting her dreams, most likely. The sudden therapy sessions and how she didn’t talk to me anymore. And her shirts, always long-sleeved.

I will not write in here anymore. I’ve gotten this page all wet, and the pen doesn’t write very well in water.

In all my seventeen years of life, I have never made friends, nor have I cried, nor have I felt so many weird emotions, nor have I fallen in love.

I, Cho Kyuhyun, am eighteen now, and things have changed. I don’t play Starcraft anymore, I don’t read anymore, and I don’t count stars anymore. Mostly, I just sit, stare, and think. But, however, I still am afraid of death. I also hate it. Since I’m eighteen though, I can check myself out of this place. And I will. Tonight.

Staying here reminds me too much of the past. I don’t like the past, period. It’s too sad. I’m not one for reminiscing, anyway. I’m going to leave this hospital and keep singing for the both of us. I think it’s what she would have wanted.

Before I put this book down for good:

Happy birthday, Joohyun.

---

A/N: GOOD GOD. You know you stayed up late to finish writing something when you look at the clock and it says 5:20 AM and you hear the darned birds chirping outside and the sky is beginning to look blue. .

This was 4,600+ words. Too lazy to put the actual number. My back aches and I shall rest now. This was the first time I took on a new challenge and wrote a unique AU. I liked this, though. Thoughts, guys?

To Rum: I hope you enjoyed this♥

To Jess, if you read this: Happy belated, and I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart and I will freaking write you HoJi if you want. ;__;

To WiRes: Thanks for reading!

To other shippers: ...Err, thanks for reading, too?