Behind my smile is everything you’ll never understand

Chapter 1

JOON

Joon was sitting on the rooftop  of the J.Tune Camp building, staring at the sky.  Down there, people were rushing from one place to another, cars were passing by and everything was just too noisy. But up here, it was quiet, peaceful. Joon liked to come here to think or relax. It was his safe place, when he just couldn´t take the daily life anymore.

He bit his lower lip, deep in thought. Something was obviously troubling him. MBLAQ just finished their usual practice when Bi sunbaenim came to give them some advice. In the beginning, he was very strict and he scolded them quite a lot, but recently he started to praise them as well. Everyone was happy, because it meant they were improving and slowly gaining respect of their mentor. He´s already praised everyone, some even multiple times. Not Joon, though. He would always point out the mistakes of all the members, but usually he would add words of encouragment and list the things he was satisfied with. When it came to Joon, he would always talk only about the negative things, saying he needs to practice more.

Joon admired Rain and was deeply thankful to him. If it wasn´t for him, who knows what would he be doing right now. He didn´t forget all the auditions he has failed. For him, Rain´s words were everything and there was nothing he wanted more than to earn his approval. So everyday he pushed himself more and more. Came to the practice room first and left the last. Since he was „the most popular“ member of the group, his schedule was more packed than others. He had one show after another and since he had to keep his body in shape, he needed to exercise every day as well. With all this, it wasn´t easy for him to practice so much, but he would rather loose sleep than see the dissapointment in his teacher´s eyes. And yet, no matter how hard he tried, it wasn´t enough.

Joon felt a tear sliding down his cheek. He angrily wiped it off, ashamed of his own weakness. Men don´t cry. At least, not over such stupid things. He clenched his fists and stood up. The motion was too sudden for his tired body and for a moment he felt dizzy. He breathed through it and slowly started to make his way down to the practice room. He still had about a hour before he had to leave to record some variety show. He decided to use this time to stretch a little. His body was kinda stiff lately.

SEUNGHO

Seungho has silently watched as Rain scolded Joon, frowning in disapproval. At first he didn´t understand why was Rain so harsh on Joon. He thought maybe something happened between them while they were filming Ninja Assasin and now Rain had something against Joon so he tried to talk to Joon about it, but he hasn´t found out anything. He even brought up the subject a few times with Rain himself, but again, there was no clear answer as to why was Joon the most critisezed one. Joon was a good kid, a hardworking one and he obviously was very talented so Seungho has almost gone mad trying to figure out the issue between Joon and Rain. Then, one day he saw Joon dancing in the practice room with Rain silently observing. It was only the two of them in the room and they didn´t notice Seungho presence. He couldn´t believe what he saw. He has never seen such a look on his teacher´s face. His eyes were full of wonder and astnoshisment. It wasn´t a look one would give someone he hates, rather it was as if Rain has actually admired Joon very much. And then it all clicked. Rain was so strict with him ´cause he thought he had actually the most potential. Seungho realized, it was probably the opposite of what he has originally thought. He knew, that Rain´s criticism will push Joon forward and help him improve even more, but he feared one thing. He knew Joon better than Rain and he could see how much was Joon hurting.

Especially lately, he could see a big change. With the work piling up for the muscle pabo, he was always away filming something, working out or practicising and he could see how exhausted he was becoming. His skin took on a lighter color, he was very pale when he didn´t have any make-up on. He also lost weight and Seungho didn´t remember when was the last time he saw him sleep. Joon was one of the most troublesome members. They were together for a while and they were all quite similar since all of them had A blood type, but he still couldn´t quite figure out Joon. Maybe it was due to his 4D personality, but he has kept a lot from them and there were still things he refused to talk about with them, saying he is not prepared to share this piece of himself.

Once, a few months ago, Seungho got him drunk so he could learn more about him. The only important info he got from him back then, was that Joon has admitted he had a bipolar disorder, which didn´t exactly surprised Seungho. He asumed it was only the common one, that didn´t really cause any significant problems and a person could deal with it quite easily. Joon was still probably the most emotional of all members, he just didn´t show it.

He thought, that Rain will slowly change his attitude towards Joon, but there was no change and Joon was looking more and more sick each day, so he decided he had enough of this. Once the members have left, he requested for Rain to wait and talk to him a little.

„So what did you wanted to talk about?“

„I think, you are being too harsh with Joon. It wouldn´t hurt if you could praise him a little as well. You know from time to time.“

Rain frowned.

„Why? I think he needs to improve more and I believe, that as your boss I have a right to choose a method I like to make you do as I wish.“

„Well, certainly. You know, how much we all respect you. But I also bear a responsibility you entrusted me with. I am the leader of MBLAQ, so for me the most important thing is the well being of my members and I can see how much Joon is suffering. The only reason why I brought this up is , because I know, you actually like him a lot, don´t you? You see yourself in him and so you want to push him, so he could become as good as you, if not better. But do you know how many schedules does he have each day? Do you know how long he works out every day? Do you know how much he practices? I haven´t seen him sleeping or eating properly in months! He is loosing weight, he is pale and he is on the verge of colapsing after our perfomances. You don´t see him trembling and having trouble  to draw a breath after he delivered another maginificent show to our fans. Look. There is still much I don´t know about him. But I worry, there may be something seriously wrong. He is worn out, but not only physically. And you of all people know, that the mental exhastion is more serious. So please stop pushing him towards an edge, because I honestly can´t tell how much longer can he last.“

„But...“ Rain wanted to argue, but Seungho didn´t let him.

„No. I don´t have time to talk about this with you anymore, I need to leave for my medical check-up. So just think about what I said and talk to Joon.“

After that Seungho left, leaving a dumbfounded Rain alone in the practice room.

RAIN

Was I really too strict? He thought to himself. But he meant no harm. He knew, how hard this work is and that the schedules are crazy most of the time and the idols don´t really have time to relax. He also knew how busy has Joon gotten lately. Afterall, it´s his agency, he knows what his stars are doing. Honestly, he thought, that due to the amount of work, Joon had to finish every day, he would slack off and not practice as much. He didn´t mean for him to loose sleep and overwork himself, he just wanted him to keep practicing as much as he can. Could Joon be really getting sick because he has pushed him too much? Rain sighed.

Seungho was right about one thing, though. He really liked Joon. Ever since he first time saw him, he felt something he couldn´t quite describe. To say, that Joon has left an impression, would be an understatement. The perfomance he gave that day wasn´t on the level of a rookie but an artist already and he has improved so much since then. When Rain watched him now, he couldn´t take his eyes off. It was simply mind-blowing. He thought carefully about what Seungho said and came to a conclusion that maybe he really should praise Joon a little. It couldn´t possibly hurt, right? Just a few words of acknowledgment... He was about to leave when he heard voices in the corridor. He didn´t mean to overhear what they were talking about, but he sure as hell was grateful he did. He would never forget those words....

JOON

Joon was just coming down the stairs when he met Jong, one of the company´s directors. His whole body froze. He tried to distance himself from him recently, but it seemed his luck has run out. He bowed down and tried to appear as if this meeting hasn´t affected him at all. Maybe, Jong was here for some business and didn´t want to do anything with him. But as soon as their eyes met, he knew it was only his whishful thinking. He knew that look and he also knew tonight will be a hard one for him.

„Joonie... I haven´t seen you recently. You are not hiding from me now, are you?“ Jong smiled sweetly, but his eyes had no warmth in them whatsoever. There was only coldness and cruelty. Joon shivered.

„No, hyung. I was just busy so...“ Jong didn´t let him finish.

„So I suppose, I can expect you tonight after your recording. In the usual place and don´t be late, Joon-ah. Afterall, we need to make up for the lost time.“ He winked and pressed his body against Joon, grabbing his . Joon winced at the contact and his breathing speeded up.

„Hyung, please not tonight. I am too tired.“

„Ah and why should I care about that? You may believe, it is thanks to Rain, that you are here, but don´t forget, he is not the only one with power. One word from me and you are gone. And if you think, Rain would stand up for you, think again. He is not exactly very fond of you, now is he? You know, his criticizing is not a secret in this company. But despite all this, you somehow managed to capture the audience. I guess, your looks are appealing to both women and men. Most of the fans of MBLAQ started to like the group thanks to you. Maybe, they switch their preferences to the other members once they start to know them better ´cause you really are someone, who people get easily sick of, but it doesn´t change the fact, that you attracted them first. You are the one, they all remember after seeing you only once. So if you are gone, MBLAQ will also disband. Are you prepared to face your friends afterwards? To be responsible for their broken dreams? And why? Because you refuse to spend a night with me from time to time? Is it really that hard for you to be ed by me? I mean, come on. Don´t pretend you don´t enjoy it at all. You are just afraid of admitting it to yourself.“

Jong pulled Joon closer, so their faces were only a couple of inches apart. Joon felt uncomfortable. He didn´t enjoy spending the night with Jong. He has never enjoyed it but he couldn´t say that. It would only anger Jong more. So he stayed silent and tried to calm his racing heart. Jong was right afterall. He couldn´t hurt the members so much. It was just a few hours, right? So what, if he felt used, dirty and ashamed afterwards? He could bear it as long as he and the rest of the members would be able to continue doing what they loved to do.

„You can expect me later.“ He said quietly and Jong smirked, feeling satisfied.