1. What Is Love ?




Jaejoong had been in his friend's welcome home party for several hours and was now on his way home. He wasn't completely wasted but he had very high spirit. Everybody had had fun but really Jaejoong had missed his boyfriend the whole time. They had been together for two years so it wasn't so usual for them to be apart. They had moved to the same apartment just six months before. Their life was happy, so happy

His hands were shaking when he was trying to put key in the lock. There was no light coming from the small window in the front door so Jaejoong supposed that his boyfriend was sleeping. Changmin had stayed home because of a headache so sleeping would be good for him, Jaejoong thought. He tried to be silent when he opened the door and closed it again. He put his shoes in the shoe box they had in their corridor. Then he put his jacket in the hanger and decided to go straight to bed.

On his way through the hallway Jaejoong saw little bit light coming under the bedroom door. He ran the last steps with wide smile and pushed the door open.

"Changmin! You're awa-..."



The sight almost knock him down. Changmin was totally awake and in fact very lively. He stood up from the bed revealing his body. And he wasn't alone. There was a young woman on the bed, covering her chest with the blanket. Every little thing in Jaejoong's head disappeared. Suddenly his mind was blank. Changmin came closer and tried to grab Jaejoong's hand. He refused.

"Cha-changmin...? What's-...? Who's-...? You-..she-..?"

"Jaejoong... Honey. This isn't what it looks like!"

"You, get out", Jaejoong whizzed to the woman who stood up quickly, picked up her clothes and ran away.



As soon as the front door closed Jaejoong turned to look at Changmin. He was eerily calm.

"You're cheating on me with a woman?"

"Jae... She was.."

"What? She was just your cousin? Well, guess what. I don't give a who she is but you were ing her! Get out."

Jaejoong's voice started to shatter. His shoulders were shaking barely visible. Changmin... His beloved Changmin had hurt his feeling, cheated on him with a woman. Besides it wasn't the first time he had hurt him but that was the first time he had cheated on Jaejoong.

"What? Jaejoong! We can fix this! You're drunk, let's sleep. We'll talk about this in the morning!"

"I'm. Not. Drunk! I'm completely sober and I want you to get out of here! Now!"

Changmin looked at Jaejoong. He had never been so angry before. Well, that was only because he didn't know about all the other times with that and several other women. Changmin just couldn't help it. He loved Jaejoong but cheated on him anyway. In deep silence he picked up his clothes. Jaejoong didn't blink an eye.

"Please. Honey... I'm sorry", Changmin still tried.

"Be what you want but somewhere else. Get out!"

Changmin left. Door closed leaving an empty silence in the apartment. Just for a second Jaejoong stood there staring at the bed. Bed that had been their love's sanctuary but only thing he saw now was an altar for betrayal. After two and half giddy steps Jaejoong collapsed on the floor crying. He put his forehead against the floor, covered his head with his arms. Room was listening his sobs. His heart was broken in pieces, it's bitter nectar was burning his chest. He had no reason to think twice, there wasn't a possibility to misunderstood. Jaejoong blamed himself. After all those broken promises it was more than expected that in the end Changmin would end up in bed with someone else. But in their bed...

Driven by pure anger Jaejoong stood up and ripped of the sheets from the bed, went to bathroom and stuffed them into washing machine. He brought all the sheets from the closet too. The smell of Changmin and especially that woman had to be washed out before he could find peace. Next was Changmin's clothes' turn. He found two sacks from the kitchen drawer and in those two sacks he put all Changmin's clothes in them. Sacks found their places in the corridor right next to the door but it was too late and dark to drag them out. And Jaejoong was too tired to do it.



In the morning the apartment was still silent. Not a single voice broke the deep melancholy that was now attached to the walls and covered the windows. Jaejoong had slept on the couch. His back, legs and neck were sore but he didn't care and went to make some coffee. Traces of the tears he had been crying for most of the night were still visible. His eyes were red and make up had flaked. Coffee was soon ready but it was bitter as hell.

Changmin had found a place to sleep from his friend. He knew he had ed up everything good he had achieved. Jaejoong had no reason to forgive him but nevertheless he was now walking to apologize. Maybe he could explain everything – that he loved Jaejoong but didn't know how to stop playing. Jaejoong might understand. He had to understand. Building was quiet but the old lady that lived next door to their apartment was in the stairway. She gave Changmin a bad glance before disappeared in her own apartment. Changmin knocked the door that was so familiar to him.

After half an hour Changmin was still standing there, knocking once in a while, with no hope to maintain. He left without knowing that for those last thirty minutes Jaejoong had been sitting in the corridor with his back against the door. He just couldn't open it. What if Changmin was going to end their relationship? Their break up wasn't official and Jaejoong wouldn't know how to handle if it was. He didn't know how to live without Changmin.



Everyday, on the same time, Changmin came back. He stood there knocking on the door for thirty to forty minutes before left. Everyday Jaejoong sat with his back against the door listening to the calm noises from the outside. Either of them said nothing. After one week Jaejoong was fed up with the situation and finally opened the door. It was a Friday, two weeks after their fight. It took all Jaejoong's self-control not to jump in Changmin's arms. During that agonizing week they both had thought big thoughts. Jaejoong knew he wanted to forgive, he was going to forgive, because their love was stronger than his betrayals. Changmin knew now that he couldn't be without his own prince, he would do anything to make their relationship work. He had deleted all his old partners' numbers and e-mail addresses. He needed only Jaejoong.

"What do you want?" he asked more aggressively that he planned.

"I want to apologize. I miss you, Jaejoong... I miss you so much that I can't stand it! I was a jerk and I don't deserve your forgiveness or love but I beg you, don't make me suffer like this. End it or let it continue. Please."

"Why should I believe that you're not cheating on me anymore?"

"I'm done with that stuff. It's never gonna happen again. You just have to trust me."

Trust. It was too much to ask and Changmin knew it but it was all he had to offer. Luckily Jaejoong took his offer. He stepped out of the door and hugged Changmin tight.

"I hope I can trust you... I love you."

Changmin hid his face in Jaejoong's hair. The scent of vanilla made him feel cozy.



Jaejoong wasn't completely sure what he was doing but it was the only thing he wanted to do. It was unfair. Changmin had a hold of him.

"I love you too, honey. I promise you that I'll never do anything that stupid! I deleted all my old contacts. I don't have their numbers anymore", Changmin comforted. He didn't realize what he just said.

A bad thought, a simple word in the middle of Changmin's sentence made Jaejoong shiver. Their?

"Their...? Is there more of them?!"

Jaejoong shoved Changmin away and backed inside.

"Jaejoong... I said I forgot them! I left them behind. I love you!"

"You... You've cheated me before? Are you...? Are you an idiot?! Get out of my sight! I'll never want to see you again!"

"But I-... I love you! You can't leave me!"



Again the door closed between them.

Changmin dragged his feet to the other side of the stair landing and collapsed on the bottom step. Quitting might have been the easiest and the most logical choice but he didn't even think about it. The further Jaejoong went from his reach more eagerly he wanted to pull him back. Jae's words hurt him. The dim stairway wasn't cozy anymore, it was a gateway between heaven and hell and only seconds before the door to heaven had been closed by the purest angel. In the deep silence of the building he could hear things shattering in his former home. It had been Jaejoong's apartment from the beginning since his parents were rich and willing to pay for a big apartment for their doctor-to-be son. Changmin instead was a poor guy from the streets, grown up by junkies and rapists. He had always known how to fight back and how to stand up for things important to him but he had no idea how to win Jaejoong back. He had built up his own company out of nothing in just few years but he didn't know how to fix his relationship. He had just protected his heart – a handsome man would eventually throw him out and he would be alone again. Rich, owning his own company and praised by his substitutes. It had already happened.


+ + + +


Jaejoong looked at the test tubes in his hands and realized that he had forgotten which one was the one he had mixed acids in. For the fourth time he had to wash the tubes and start over. His movements were slow as his body ached for too less sleep and too many tears. Lab leader walked past him as he was pouring hydrochloric acid into the tube.

"Mr Kim, you're starting over again?"

"Yes, sir. I want to be precise. I think I messed up with the doses."

"Maybe you should go and see the nurse. You seem awfully pale."

"I'm fine, sir, but thank you for your concern."

Lab leader wasn't the first one who noticed his paleness. No food and too many drinks didn't help anyone's health.

By the end of the lecture Jaejoong had started over twelve times and finished only once. He didn't feel going for lunch so he chose to walk around the halls until the next lecture. He had been walking a lot during the weekend – around the living room, to the kitchen and back to the living room, in the balcony and around the neighborhood. He had drunk his mind blank everyday, starting at nine in the morning and didn't quit until he passed out on the couch. He listened to blues, danced around the apartment.



Nurse's office was all white. White walls, white furniture, white posters. Even nurse herself was white. She had pale skin and sliver hair. She was over sixty years old, too young to retire but too old to work at the clinic, so she had been transferred to the medical school to cure those who were going to take her place one day. It was so white that it hurt Jae's sore eyes suffering from hangover.

"Have you had fever?"

Jaejoong gave the lady same short "no" as to her other questions too. He didn't want to be there but pretending to listen to what the nurse had to say made him feel noticed for a while. She lifted her glance from the papers to her client, went over the list of questions in her mind and took of her glasses. Jaejoong swallowed, waiting for the crucial question when she leaned forward to the table.

"Mr Kim. You aren't sick, right?"

"No, ma'am."

"Would you like to talk about it?"

"No, I wouldn't, ma'am."

"I see. I'll write you three days off so you can clear your head and get a good hold of yourself. Stop drinking-..."

"But I-..."

"Don't. I can see that you have been drinking. Go home and sleep, Mr Kim."



With a mint green note Jaejoong left nurse's office. With that mint green note he got three days off the school, three days to suffer by himself at the home. This wasn't the result he wanted. He didn't know what he had been hoping, maybe some kind of a diagnosis saying that his had was totally crushed but fixable, that he was going to be okay. Jaejoong stared at the note and tossed it in the trash. He really needed to get a hold of himself but crying alone in the dark apartment wouldn't help it. He would work even harder to come as a successful doctor. He would make the society better place to live to everyone by healing and making people feel better. With a tiny light growing in his heart, in his soul, with a power rising over his hard feelings he left the waiting room.



Only three weeks later everything was going back to the tracks. When there was nothing distracting him Jaejoong was able to focus on his studies. His rates got better, he got great results in laboratory, he was accepted to a big medical company as a trainee. In the company he worked as a busy boy to a scientist who worked with new type of vaccinations that would someday be able to cure cancers in just few weeks without big operations and even prevent them. Jaejoong took part to the research and volunteered to be a guinea pig for a melanoma vaccination. He was healthy so they put him among the other healthy people who made themselves useful by showing what kind of side effects there might possibly be. Prep talk wasn't very encouraging when they were told that even death might be the result. Actual guinea pigs on four feet and with a fur hadn't died but they were the first humans to take it so no one could be sure what was going to happen.



~*~*~



After his fourth visit to the research lab and one more vaccination Jaejoong let his feet to guide him to a restaurant district nearby. He hadn't had a single drink since the conversation with the school nurse so he gave himself a moment to enjoy the alcohol. The first bar was shaggy and dirty, people were drunk and bartenders high so he stayed there only long enough to finish his second vodka shot and left. Next bar was too fancy – they only served ballerina drinks and not booze – so he turned away after seeing the drink list. The lucky number three saved him again this time in a from of a cozy little bar around the corner, away from the crowd. Jae headed to the counter and ordered more vodka.



Bitter vodka changed to smoky whiskey during the evening and as the night fell above the city there was already three empty whiskey glasses on the bar. Fourth one was going to be empty in seconds. Bartender put fifth one in front of his only customer left on the counter and glanced to the rest of the bar.

"So... What's the emergency?" he asked casually.

"W-what?" Jaejoong mumbled in his glass and made ice cubes tinkle.

"You're drinking whiskey and you don't seem like someone drinking whiskey."

"Are you some freaking therapist or something? Shut up and gimme new one!"



He started his fifth glassful as the bartender poured him sixth. Jaejoong glanced him over his glass. He wasn't that bad looking as could have been expected in a place like that. He had round, childish face, big puppy eyes and read hair curled on his head. It reminded Jae from a bloody spaghetti and he had to put the glass down. He was wasted and irritated about the fact that the bartender was right; he wasn't a person to drink whiskey and he indeed wanted to talk about it.

"I left my boyfriend", he finally snorted. "Not a big deal."

"Seems to be. Was he a great guy?"

"A jerk in fact but I think I loved him."

"What was he like?"

"Tall, handsome... He was cute too."

"I can point you thousand guys matching that description. Give me some details."



Bartender put down the bottle he was holding and leaned to clean the counter next to Jae. He sipped from his glass and put it down.

"He was good in bed."

"Who cares? What was he like? You know, his character."

Jaejoong took a moment to think before he answered.

"He... He was always happy and smiling. He was cheerful. He had good jokes, he was always trying to cheer people up. He was enthusiastic, he was lively, he wanted to live so much that sometimes I was worried that he would fly away. He was a-ambitious, he knew what he wanted. He was... He was romantic too. He took me to the sunset, he loved cheesy love songs and movies."

The glass in his hand blurred away for a moment and then came back as a tear formed a splash in it. Bartender was still wiping the counter and seemed like he wasn't listening. Jaejoong couldn't know was he or not but he was.

"Sounds like an amazing guy. Why did you leave him?"

"He cheated on me. With... with a woman."

"Ouch."

"Tell me about it."



They continued their tasks in silence for a moment. Jaejoong started a new glass, ordered some raw tequila and dazed away for a moment. He didn't know what time it was but it was getting awfully late. He should be going home because it was work day on the next day. He just couldn't get up.

"We met at a party", he started after realizing that his feet refused to move. "First I just passed him because he was hanging with some younger guys. I thought that he was a brat too so even though I was super interested I went to dance with my friends. I was twenty back then, it was two years ago."

"You passed him but he didn't ignore you?"

"He definitely didn't. He came to dance next to us, bumped into me so clearly on purpose that I had to listen to his apologies. He wanted to bring me a drink, I let him and soon we were dancing together. Oh, god, he was eager... He's hands were all over me in seconds! It made me feel awkward so I left him there and went back to my friends but he didn't stop harassing me through the night. He was so persistent that I gave in and invited him over."

Bartender hummed and Jaejoong took a long sip from his whiskey and emptied the glass. He took the tequila in his hand but didn't drink it. His head felt light and buzzing wasn't coming from the bar.

"In the morning I figured out that he in fact was a brat, only eighteen at the time. I cursed myself for being such a cougar so I tried to apologize him and make him leave fo-forever. We ended up in the bed again and ed until my brain was mess and I couldn't walk for the whole day. The best ing in my life. After that we met few times as friends but soon I asked him to go out with me. He agreed so we started dating and I... I fell for him completely. He wanted to start his own advertising company, I lend him part of the money and only ten months later I got the money back and my parents bought an apartment for us two... Well to me but I brought him over. We lived there for... six months before he..."

Jae's voice cracked and he started to sob against his hands. His shoulders were shuddering, the tequila glass fell and rolled on the floor.

"Cheated on you? Quite a story you have there. If I were you, I would forgive him."



Jaejoong shoot his head up and looked at the bartender with his mouth wide open. Bartender gave him a quick look and started to clean the glasses off.

"Why on earth should I forgive him?!"

"You're in love. Completely, thoroughly, head over heels, from the bottom of your heart and the other . He cheated on you but so what. You still love him."

"Come on! Are you an idiot?! He cheated on me. C-h-e-a-t-e-d! He ed some ty woman and admitted that there had been even more of them! I could never forgive him!" Jaejoong shouted and stood up.

The tequila glass broke under his boot heel and he looked down. When he lifted his head he saw a new glass on the counter. Bartender gave him a "convince me" look while piling the glasses behind the bar. This bartender was nuts! Sticking his nose into other people's business without even a flash of remorse in his eyes. Arrogant bastard. After his moment of hesitation Jae sat back. If his heart wasn't that broken and he hadn't been so much in love he surely would have picked the bartender up and spent an awesome night ing all over his apartment.

"Even if I love him, I can never forgive him. Cheating is something you just don't do in a relationship. It's something you just can't forget."

"Love is all about forgiving, right?"

"Tsk. Love is an emotion, it's not 'about' anything. It's... It's a strong emotion, a huge pile of emotion rushing through you in a short moment, in a second. Like... You feel like suffocating but still you're breathing. You feel like your heart stopped but it's still beating faster than ever. You feel warm but there is cold chills running up and down your spine. You're scared and still you're braver than ever."



Jaejoong was sure about his defeat in this battle of opinions but he heard bartender snort.

"You're planning to write a book?" he said with a smirk.

"Huh?" Jaejoong defended himself by crossing his arms after a quick sip from his class.

"You've got it all wrong. Love isn't just an emotion. Love is everyday life, every second of it. It's eating together, it's cleaning up together, it's missing each other during the day and it's gentle kisses just before sleeping but love is also argues, forgiveness and amazing make up . Love is there every single second of your life even though it's not always easy to make through all the world loads on your way. Sometimes he irritates you, sometimes he makes you mad and sad but in the end of the day you can still say you love him because you forgive him."

Now Jaejoong was sure that he had been defeated. Bartender smiled at him softly and took away the glass from his hand.

"But-... But what if he doesn't love me? If I love him but he doesn't love me back and I end up braking my heart..." Jaejoong mumbled with his eyes full of tears again.

"Has he said that he doesn't love you? Has he ever done anything to show you that he doesn't, expect cheating? What has he done or said after you broke up with him?"



Jaejoong sobbed few times and wiped the tears away with his cardigan’s sleeve. He scrolled down his memories, tried to find out a memory with Changmin showing his disgrace but he couldn't find any. Not even one.

"N-no... He always said he loved me and-... He spoiled me all the t-time..."

"What has done and said after you dumped him?" bartender repeated with a calm voice.

"He... He has been coming to knock on my door every day... Or... I don't know I haven't been home for many days, I only sleep there and-... He's sent me flowers, letters... He's tried to call me, he put our mutual friend to talk to me..."

"So he's trying to contact you even though you try to push him away?"

"Y-yeah... I think?"

"Isn't it obvious that he wants you back? Even how you hit him he get's up and tries again. You reject him and he tries again. He's the same persistent brat he was two years ago."

"S-so... I should forgive him?"

"It's your choice. Break his heart and yours too or make two people happy."



In the morning Jaejoong woke up in his own bed in his full clothing and with his boots still on. When he tried to sit up the room spun like a ship in a storm and an awful buzzing sound filled his ears. Before he could stop himself he threw up on the sheets. His stomach growled because there was nothing to come up anymore but he still felt like going into the bathroom, just for sure. Jae dragged his sluggish feet to the bathroom and collapsed to sit next to the bowl. As he tried to focus his eyes at a single point the room spun again. He could actually hear a slap in his head just before a killer headache started to mash his brains. He threw up again.

There wasn't any food in the fridge let alone in the cupboards and Jae was disappointed though he once again didn't feel like eating anything at all. After two cups of really strong black coffee he managed to settle down his aching stomach and headache went away with a smallish overdose of pain killers. Rooms still spun but he didn't bump into objects anymore. Apartment was full of steam from the bath he had taken. It wasn't a big apartment though the rent was more expensive than the Range Rover he had downstairs. Kitchen and living room shared a space, bedroom was big enough for a king size bed, drawer and some free space. Behind the bedroom where a huge bathroom with a bathtub and a shower as well as washing machine and tumble dryer and a walk in closet with Jae's amazing collection of clothes and shoes. On the other side of the main room there was only a little hallway to the front door. The thing to raise up the rent was outside, behind the door to the balcony. The view was amazing. It wasn't a roof terrace or anything but building was high so you could see almost the whole city from there, in fact you could even see the ocean glisten in horizon.



Jae tightened the towel around his waist and went to the balcony with a bottle of something sweet from his fridge and a pack of cigarettes. He usually smoked inside despite of the scolding from his landlord. Now he needed some truly fresh air through the filter. He needed to clear his head. In the bathtub he had traveled back to the night before and seriously thought about what that cocky bartender had said. Should he forgive Changmin after all that ? Could he just push away all those feelings of betrayal, feelings of being not enough. Could he do it? Should he do it? Gentle wind stirred his hair when he lit the first smoke. He let his eyes wander around the view, sliding past the skyscrapers and caught the twinkle of the ocean in the burning hot sunlight. It was early autumn. Last year around that time Changmin had taken him to the coast, offered an amazing lunch and cuddled with him on the beach until in the sunset. Then they have climbed on the cliffs and watched as the sun set down with glasses of very expensive champagne.

Love is everyday life.

Was that where they got it wrong? They were always doing this cheesy stuff, spending their money like it was a contest.



It's eating together, it's cleaning up together.

They always cooked together. Always. They also ate together, sometimes in the kitchen sometimes curled on the couch, sometimes they brought their dinner out and watched the city beating as they enjoyed just sitting there together. Cleaning together... Changmin usually chased him out when it was time to clean the apartment up because Jae wasn't actually the most eager person to clean up. Usually he didn't go but stayed home or came back very soon and helped.



It's missing each other during the day and it's gentle kisses just before sleeping.

Jaejoong started to cry when he just thought about missing Changmin. Every second apart had been a torture. It had been torture long before their breakup.

Love is also argues, forgiveness and amazing make up .

Their love surely had been about argues and making up between the sheets but forgiveness... Jaejoong realized that he had never said Changmin that he had forgiven anything. Changmin always apologized, most of time even when he didn't have to, but Jaejoong didn't recall a moment he had forgiven. That's where they really got it wrong. Where he got it wrong...



With the tears in his eyes Jae stumbled inside, settled the bottle and the cigarettes on the nearest table and ran to find his cell phone with still burning smoke between his lips. He found his way in the bedroom, messed up the bed to find his phone, pushed down all the things from the side table just to see if his phone was there. After messing up most of the apartment he found his cell next to the coffee machine. With his hands shaking he typed a message and sent it to Changmin asking if he wanted to come over. Reply came in seconds.

of course

could you come right away? I need to talk to you right now

i'll be there in ten minutes

Jaejoong didn't think it was necessary for him to answer the last message but he still texted quick "ok" before tossed the phone away and went to put on some clothes.



Changmin came after eleven minutes. Yes, Jaejoong had been counting minutes while making coffee to them. When he heard a knock from the door he already had two cups of hot coffee on the table, one with cream and one without.

"Hey", Changmin said.

"Hey. Come on in."

Jae let Changmin past him and lowered his head. A familiar gentle scent of vanilla followed Changmin as he took of his shoes and went to the main room. It was almost clean except the cushions were still on the floor. Jae rushed to pick them up.

"T-there's coffee in the kitchen..."

"Thanks."

Changmin was still gorgeous. Tall, fit, handsome but his shy smile was the cutest thing Jaejoong had ever seen. He was wearing jeans and a t-shirt with a vest and everything was obviously first time in use. Jaejoong smiled in his mind. Silly, cute Changmin.



Jaejoong had left few steps behind so he didn't see Changmin's hands shaking when he picked up his coffee with cream. Was he supposed to say something? If yes what was it? Jaejoong had texted him so suddenly after weeks of complete silence between them. Changmin had been there every day even when Jae hadn't been there. He had spent his whole salary to the gifts he had sent just hoping that Jaejoong would at least take a contact. Shout, mock, insult, beat up... Anything but not the freaking silence. When he finally asked their friend to talk to Jaejoong and he came back with a swollen cheek and almost black I Changmin thought that his chances to win back Jaejoong's love were below zero.

Hand still shaking he turned around and met Jae's eyes again. Shiver ran through his body. He looked kinda thin and he may have been drinking at the night before. His hair was still we after a shower or something.

"Your coffee is getting cold..." Changmin said just to say something.

"I... I don't really mind.. I didn't ask you here for a coffee..." Jaejoong said quietly turning his glance to his bare toes.

Changmin pursed his lips a little and looked into the cup before putting it down. He had seen the bags in the hallway. Jaejoong seemed to want him out of his life – permanently. Sad as hell he lowered his head a little, broke the connection between their eyes with a heavy sigh.



"I thought so... I bet those are my things. I just... Take them and leave", he sighed and pointed the bags.

He motioned to the door but didn't get far when Jaejoong blocked his way.

"No! … I mean... Please. Don't go. I'm sorry... I'm so so sorry..."

Changmin stared at Jae almost like a maniac but took the opportunity and wrapped his around his shoulders. Jaejoong didn't pull him away but curled against his body, burying his face in his chest.

"I'm so sorry... I... I love you, Minnie, I love you so much! I'm sorry I was y, I'm sorry I-..."

"Shh... Don't say that. You did nothing wrong, baby. It's all my fault. All of it. I was an ."

"I don't mean it, I mean the whole time. I was a y idiot and I never said I forgave you and I tried to escape from cleaning up and I didn't tell you to stop when you spoiled me and-... And-..."

Jae's breaths were shallow, he was sobbing between the words, his shoulders shook while he tried to hold back the tears. He didn't know what to say. I'm sorry wasn't enough but it was all he could manage to get out of his blurry mind. His brains refused to process any decent words and his heart was too happy to be held by Changmin that it had stopped beating. It was the emotion, waiting for forgiveness.

"Please... Forgive me Changmin... P-please..."



Changmin hushed again and pressed a soft kiss on his forehead.

"It's all forgiven. It has always been forgiven. I love you..."

Jaejoong burst out into tears. He didn't make much sound but he shook like in a shock and clung onto Changmin's shirt. Like he minded. He wanted to wipe away those tears, make Jaejoong smile, fix everything and be happy together until death did them apart. He wanted only Jaejoong.

"Baby... Baby, calm down. Will you forgive me?" he whispered.

"Y-yes... Yes I do... I'll forgive you..." Jae managed to say through his tears.

Changmin kissed his cheek, his forehead and whispered comforting and calming words to him. He lifted Jae to his arms and carried to the bed where he could properly bury Jaejoong to his arms and let him cry all night.



~*~*~*~



Things were odd only till next Saturday. They made through it, continuing their life happily together, stronger together. They made the vows. They promised to be together, to be happy, to worship and cherish each other till the end of their days. They promised to grow old together.



God, if they had known.