I’m so scared to be around you now. I’m so scared of what you think of me. Seunghyun, you must hate me. I’m not even myself around you anymore. I try to act normal.
Happiness comes and happiness goes. These days I’m not happy. I used to be, with you. Obviously you weren’t.
They say that time heals wounds but maybe that isn’t the thing with my case. It’s been over a year and I still cry at night thinking about you.
Your soft hair, your warm body close to mine.
I’ve cut off all of our friends. I can’t be with them, they’re more your friends anyways. I’ve tried to move on, I’ve had a few relationships, if you can call it that. More like I’ve slept with people but they couldn’t measure up to you and your perfection.
Some of them had small things that reminded me of you, hence the “breaking up”. You are wherever I go.
I’m going to leave this place, this place I call home. Because you used to be here and now that you aren’t, I can’t either.
I’ve been drinking, more than I used to. It helps a tiny bit. At least that’s what I’m trying to tell myself. I like the burning sensation when the luke warm liquid goes down my throat. It can take my mind off of you for seconds, sometimes minutes. I’m not happier when I’m not thinking about you, it’s always the same feeling.
I’m so scared of running into you. Cause when I do, you ask me how I am and I feel like I’m going to break down and scream, cry and try to beg you to take me back. But that would actually show how pathetic I am. So I fake a smile and say “fine”.
Actually I’m not fine. I’m feeling poor. Like a bad human being, but at least I’m trying. I haven’t killed myself yet.
I’ve even tried taking pills. Illegal, I know. I’m living life on the bad side now, Seunghyun. You wouldn’t have appreciated that. But now you don’t even care. I’m going to try everything that takes my mind off of you. I want this to be gone. Last night I slept on the balcony. Or I didn’t sleep.

I just laid there, watching the stars and the pitch black sky. It was beautiful and my mind was blank for a minute before I remembered the times you and I stayed up late, drinking wine and watching the stars.
And you used to kiss me and say that you and I were going to be up there some day. That we were going to be two stars right next to each other. And spend eternity next to each other. But that didn’t happen. You lied.
Tonight I’m going to leave this place, the place we called home. Now I know that home is where I’m with you, which is everywhere.
So here I am with a bottle of whisky and a bottle of prescription pills, for some silly pain in my knee. Here I am waiting for my queue to go. To leave this show.
I’m going to be a star and you’re going to be the sun.