I looked up to the sky, allowing the raindrops to splatter on my skin. I let it roll down my face, my chin, my neck...I soaked myself to the core as if I was cleansing myself...cleansing myself off of you because it was time to let go and move on now. It was time to start a new chapter in my life where you didn't exist...where we didn't exist. So why am I still afraid of the loss? Why did I still leave a part of me behind for you to find? Even now, as I walked away with my stilettos in my hand, all I wanted was to run back into the safe confines of your arms again.

I don't know what it was that we had. To be honest, I wasn't sure if we had anything at all. Maybe it was just a bittersweet experience. Maybe it was meant to stay as just a fleeting memory whenever we took the time to look back and ponder about life. If anyone were to ask me what had went wrong, I would never be able to give an answer because really, nothing had went wrong in my eyes. It was in fact, perfect to me...what we had. Every flaw, every pain, every bit of imperfection, they were my definition of a perfect time with you. You were my sense of perfection. Then, why did we end? I don't think we have the answer to that too. Maybe, like I had said, we were never meant to last. Maybe there was nothing to come back to anymore. Neither of us knew the reason. We only knew that it had to end.

Was the I one who called it off? Again, I have no clear answer on me. But I guess you might as well say that. What really happened was that I had walked away and never returned. Somehow, I just knew that it was all over, that it was really the time to leave you behind. I just knew it in my heart that even if I was to come back here tomorrow, there would be no one waiting for me. Somehow, in both our guts, we knew that all this perfection that we had...it was never supposed to be.

I remember the first time I had set my eyes on you. The two of us, complete strangers, had crossed path in quite a peculiar way. I was on stage, singing while you were amongst the audience, looking up at me like everyone else. But not like the others, you were looking into me with an emotion I could not quite put my hands on. It was like you were searching through me and you found the very thing thst pulled me towards you. I could swear that at that moment, it literally felt like the world had stopped spinning and everything had faded into the background excpt for you and me. What happened after that? I don't quite remember the details or rather, I wish not to but I'll say this one thing. I guess I could describe us as a game. Now that I really thought about it, it had always been a game. A game of hide and seek but there was no winners or losers. It was just a game of expectations and disappointments...like that time when I had purposefully had a day off, I knew you were disappointed and whenever I would be on stage, I fixed my gaze not on the crowd but at the door expecting you to walk through. It was indeed a bizarre game of espectations and disappointment. 

Why do we play this game? Well, I don't know. I can't say it was for the fun of it because honestly, it hurt me so badly whenever he wouldn't turn up to watch me sing. Yet, neither of us would ask the reason for it. We would just hold on to the hope in our hearts that tomorrow...tomorrow, we would see one another again. We hardly spoke a sentence to one another. It was like we had no use of words in our communication. It was as if we knew what the other want without having to ask and even if we have had it wrong, neither of us would say a thing. It doesn't matter anyway because it was a game. A game of raging emotions, of reality and fantasy. Most of all, it was a game of routine.

It was a routine how we would end up in that one room that we would share after I was done. It was routine how you memorised my every unspoken desire as I yours. It was also a routine the way you would caress my face from the tip of my jaw to my chin whiile you watched me faked my sleep and when the warmth on your hands finally left my face, I would count the number of breaths you would take until they even out. Then I would count another three hundred breaths before I slipped silently out of bed to put my clothes on.

As I stood st the edge of bed smiling at your peaceful figure, my heart would ache again at how perfect this imperfection was, how everything I wanted was right here in front of me but there was just something that kept screaming at me to run away. Another fifty three counts later, I would already have left my earring behind and would already be standing by the window. I have no idea how many earrings I had left behind for you. I only knew that I had to leave something behind for you to remember me by. And when  I have stepped out of the window, I would not allow myself to look behind as I began counting my steps walking away from you. I could have taken the door but I knew that you would have hidden the key soemwhere so I wouldn't be able to escape.

Then, when I had counted exactly four thousand two hundred and sixty one steps later, the sun would have risen and so will you. A bittersweet smile would paint my lips as my phone rang out in my hand and I wouldn't bother to check the caller ID because I know it would be you and I know how thw phone would ring eleven times before going into voicemail and we both knew that there will never be an answer as the phone finally silents after five calls.

After all, what we had was a game. A bittersweet game of questions with no answers.

Author's note

Please leave me a comment!
I need to know if this really ! it was a really random idea after all...lols~

and once again, please check out my ongoing long fic *Remember The Forgotten...*

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/43814/remember-the-forgotten-angst-comedy-friendship-jongkey-romance-sad-shinee