I don’t know what went wrong with my life. I thought I will live in this world with no regrets. Nothing can be wrong because I paved my life carefully. Not once that I think my safe journey ends up into a bumpy road. I am alive yet the air that I breathe slowly suffocates me. My ideal life tumbles down in front of me.  I am no longer the same Seohyun because I am no longer perfect. I am not a perfect woman for him.

Here I am, sitting on my chair facing the garden full with my favorite petunias. I smile looking at the flowers because it reminds me of him. He said that we need to have a flower that symbolizes us. I picked roses but he argued that there are no roses in blue color. So in the end, after so much bickering, we ended up with petunias. We both love the flowers because they are in our colors, pink and blue. Actually I do think the blue petunia is actually in purple but seeing him strongly claimed it is in blue, what can I say. I still remember watching him in his jolly mood planting the flowers in the sunny morning. He will tell me a story from his daily activities. What did he do in office, what stunts did Jungshin play on Minhyuk. His never ending works in the office. He always being a cheerful him, never once shows a sad face in front of me. Sometimes I wonder,  is he wearing a mask? Only if I can read what he hides from me. Oh, how I wish I can turn back time.

*************************************************************************************

SIX MONTHS AGO

We were celebrating our joint birthday with our friends in a club that is known among the elites. My boyfriend, Jung Yonghwa is an heir to a conglomerate company that is known for their successful trades in Asian. Their company built most of the building in Korea as well in China. It was a rumor that his father is one of the benefactors for the current president of Korea. So, you can imagine that their family has a great influence in our society. And me, Seohyun, I am the only daughter to Seo Hee Kyung. My father is a leader of the opposition party to the current president. He will participate in the next general election for the presidential seat. So, generally my father hates Yonghwa . He warned me to stop dating Yonghwa but I just ignore him. What can I do to make him approve our relationship because I love this man to death.

“Hey Seohyun, where are you now? Are you still in Korea?” asked that dumb boyfriend of mine.

“Yeah, I am in Korea. In fact, I am sitting on my boyfriend’s lap”

“Oh, that’s why my legs seem to be frozen. I thought someone had misplaced a heavy log on my leg”

“YOU ARE SO MEAN. Oh my, did I gain weight Hyoyeon?”I asked my best friend who were sitting in front of us.

“Ask you boyfriend. He should know better” winked Hyoyeon to me.

“Just to let you know, she weighs like a baby elephant” answered Yonghwa.

Argh, this boy! He never missed a chance to make me mad.

“Yonghwa, am I fat?” I asked him a simple question.

“erm, based on my legs, I think you gain a kilo or two. But it doesn’t matter because I love you even if you are no longer this slim”answered him while hugging my waist.

“Ah chicha! Yong, will you love me even if I’m not perfect?”

“Seohyun, you have no idea how much you’re meant for me. I want you for always, days, years and eternities; even if you’re not the Seohyun in front of me now.  Don’t worry, nobody can replace you in my heart. Happy birthday love.” Then, he laid a big kiss on me. Taking my breath away. Tonight I had made my wish. I wish that this man will forever be tied to me.

After the party, he sent me back to my home. It was already 2 am and my parents were not at home. He walked me to the front door.

“Hey Seohyun, don’t you want to invite me into your house?” He never went into my house and I never invite him. It was because I hate to have an argument with my father and I never tolerate his verbal abuse to Yonghwa.

“I love to but you know our current condition. I promise you one day you can come whenever you want Yong” I sighed.

“Love, don’t show your sad face in front of me. Goodnight. Meet me in your dream” he said and kissed me on the forehead before we parted.

I waited until his car disappeared from my eyes and opened the door.

“Seohyun, who are you with just now?” my father’s voice startled me. I was so surprised he was at home and to make it bad, he saw who sent me back. I could tell that my father was angry and something about him make me scared. Why he looked so calm? I chose to keep my silence.

“WHY DON’T YOU ANSWER ME?? YOU ARE A VERY UNGRATEFUL DAUGTHER. HOW MANY TIMES DID I ASK YOU TO FIND ANOTHER MAN? ANY OTHER MAN IS FINE, JUST NOT THAT JUNG’S SON!!”

“Dad, how many times did I tell you, I want him. Just him.”

“You know Seohyun, you left me no choice. I had set a man to become your husband. He’s no other than Donghae. You know him since you’re little.”

“Father, he is just like my brother. I can’t see him as my husband”I try to plead to change my father’s decision.

“YOU WILL LEARN TO SEE HIM AS YOUR HUSBAND. I DON’T WANT TO HEAR YOUR EXCUSE SEOHYUN. Go to your room. We talk again tomorrow.”

*************************************************************************************

“Hyun, please consider this. I will talk to your father. Please don’t leave me” Yonghwa begged me on the night I told him about my engagement to Donghae. We were sitting in a secluded place at our favourite café.

“I can’t. As much as l love you, I can’t let my mom’s upset. My father will torture and beat her if I disagree with this thing.” I said while crying.

“No. I don’t think I can let you go. What about our dream of living in a white house with beds of petunias? You promise me we’ll be living happily ever after. Don’t take my dream away from me Hyun” he asked me again.

“I can leave my family to be with you but I won’t be happy. I’m sorry Yong. Try to be happy without me. For me. I love you. Nothing is going to change even though I’m married to other man. Farewell my love”.

The day I said those hurting words to make was the day I’m dying inside. I couldn’t remember the last time I smile. I left all the wedding work to my mom. I don’t care about my wedding dress. I don’t want to take part in anything as this wedding was my nightmare. It was almost two weeks until my wedding day. The clock is ticking so fast and it was one month since I last saw Yonghwa. I heard from my friends that he will stay in China until my wedding was done. He said he couldn’t bear the thought of living on the same ground on the day I will belong to other man.

Knock! Knock!

The loud knock on my door stopped me from my day dream. It was my mother.

“Hyunnie, sorry if I interrupt you daughter” my mother said while sitting on the bed edge.

“Yes mom. What’s the matter?”

“Donghae is here. You’re going to pick up your wedding ring today” she said while caressing my hair. “Hyunnie, I will say this as your mom. If you’re torturing yourself because of me, I hope you will stop right now. I can’t endure seeing you in this state. You’re not your cheerful-self anymore. It’s more like a zombie.”

“No mom, I’m totally fine. I’m just a bit tired from all this preparation” I said while trying to form a smile. I don’t think she will buy it. Who I am to fool her? She is my mom. She knew me better.

“Mom, I’m fine. Tell him to wait for a while. I need to change my clothes first.” i said trying to convince her.

“Okay, don’t be too long”

*************************************************************************************

“Hyun, Hyun. Hey apple pie, you’re spacing again.” Donghae said while waving in front of my face. We were on his car to pick up our wedding ring. He then continue to say “Seohyun, I can tell you’re not happy today. Care to share your problem with me?”

Donghae. He is my childhood friend that is five years older than me. He is more like a brother to me as I have no siblings. I haven’t see him for more than ten years because his family decided to send him to boarding school in the United Kingdom. It is their family tradition to send the oldest son in the family there. It is their way to groom the child to be able to lead the family business. Being a bright child, he was studying in London School of Economics on Business and Management. He just came back last week. So basically, he didn’t know about my relationship with Yonghwa.  He is a gentleman and he doesn’t deserve this wedding at all.

“Nothing oppa. The wedding takes toll on me” I smiled at him.

“Hyunnie, can I ask you something?”

“Go on. I’m all ears”

“Did your parents force you in this marriage?”asked him with a slight unhappy tone.

I didn’t know how to answer him. Should I tell him or should I not? I couldn’t drag him into this mess. But the more people asked me the question, the more my thoughts went to Yonghwa. How is he right now? Is he fine? Did he get a new girlfriend already?

I was lost in my thinking and without I realized I had mumbled “I miss him”

“Look at me Seohyun” Donghae asked while holding my face with one hand. “I know about you and that guy already. Why don’t you tell me earlier? If I know, you won’t be in this heartbreak”

While we were talking, we failed to realise there was a truck coming towards us from out of nowhere. Donghae stepped on the brake and veered the car to the left only to meet with a parked car. I was thrown on the dashboard before I felt a sharp pain to my both legs. My legs were numb and when I looked around, I could see Donghae oppa lying on the steering. Fear filled my mind and I started thinking of the last person  I want to see. I want to see Yonghwa. I will miss him. Slowly, I dreamt back of the first time that I saw him eating patbingsoo in a restaurant.

*************************************************************************************

PRESENT TIME

“Hi honey! Do you miss me like I miss you?” I felt two hands cover my eyes. I know this person from his smell. He always smell white musk and cedar, a y smell that can melt any girls heart.

“Hi oppa. I think I miss you more than you miss me. How’s your work?”I asked him while trying to wipe away my tears.

“Hyunnie, don’t you cry in front of me again.”

“But oppa. I wish things were different. I pity you because you have me as your wife. I can’t walk” I said while looking at my husband’s face. He is the man that I love. I am now married to Yonghwa. We were married three months after my horrible accident. The accident that took Donghae’s life.

“Seohyun, look at me” he said while kneeling to me. He held my hand and look to my eyes.

“I never regret marrying you. In fact I am the most happiest man when you became my wife. Love is a scary thing. The more we run from it, the more it comes to us. I was lost without you during the two months. If we can’t have each other, I couldn’t laugh the way we are now. Now that I have you back, I won’t stop loving you.” He brought me hands to his lips and kiss them.

“I am happy that we are together. But we can’t change the fact that I can’t walk. We don’t know when I can start to walk again. You gain yourself a burden.” I said and hold his hand tighter.

“You are not a burden. You are my wife. I know one day you can walk again. I will help you. And promise me Seohyun, you will never doubt my love to you.” he said while placed his head onto my laps. I his hair lovingly. I don’t think I can find a man who loves me like he does. I will never let this amazing guy away from my life again. To me, the happiest thing is being able to be by his side.

Author's note: I'm a bit sleepy. Please pardon my grammar.