"Being single is better" "i'm doing great with my life" 
i used to say that a lot.
"That boy, no i like him just as friend, nothing more. Hey are you guys sespecting that i’m gay? Very funny guys" 
another favorite sentence of mine.

Have you all wonder why? well, i don't know either. Maybe that's the truth or maybe i just too afraid to open up.Too afraid of giving the others the power to hurt me emotionally. Truth to be told, for me, the worst pain is emotional one. The kind of pain you can’t see, you can only feel it. And i hate it.

"Just date each other already!" you two fit each other"Damn you Byun Baekhyun, such best friend you are.
That, and many other sentences from my friends said, (including Suho! My god, i thought he’ll be my protector from the teasing and gossips. Some best friend i have here. I don’t even know why i friended with them anyway.)when i close to 1 guy.

Bad new is, i’m currently close to our duizhang Kris. To be honest, for a man myself, i still found him too handsome. His milky skin, double eyelids, perfect pointed nose, deep voice that matched his features. No one would dare say he’s ugly, well as long as that people have normal eyes.

Ok, that was not the bad news. The bad new is, my friends starts to gossips about us. Guys, isn’t it normal for the rappers of the group hang out together? And yes, we do hang out together often because our similarity on part of the group as rapper,hmmm and also in charge of the height hahaha.

We don’t really pay attention to the gossips though. He said “they just need something to talk about. Think of it as we’re already famous and people gossips about us” then we laugh it off

Maybe at first i really only like him as friend, but as the gossips get bigger, i can't assure myself again. i'm lost. and it's my fault. i let my defense crumble down, i let myself think 'maybe i like him' 'maybe we'll look good together' and so on. My fault.

I always believe, i control my own feeling, i'll love someone when i think i love him, that's why i try not to think.
But now, i’mconfused. My friends start to mingle in. and the worst is, i let them! My defense wall crumbled before me after too much dents because of “maybes”and “i thinks”. For your sake, keep your head together Park Chanyeol!

I bet theydon't knowhowi feel when they start wooing me, him, us. I just want to tell them to shut up and stop bothering me, shut up so i can think that i don't like him.Good thing i’m good at faking my emotion. Pretends to laugh normally when they start pointing at me and Kris, start to woo us. I’m just that good because no one see past my mask. No one saw the me inside. The real emotion within my that twisted between confusion and attraction. Between logic and feeling. Between Park Chanyeol and Kris.

I’ll just have to keep thinking that i don’t like him and everything will fall back into its rightful place. I don't know until when i'll hang on to this principle.

But do you guys know, why do i protect myself? Why do i insist to not let myself thinks i like someone? because i tend to take act faster than the boy, and i act based on my mind and brain. Which means, i tend to confess without really thinking about the response i will receive. Stupid much? i know. And i've tasted the bitter feeling to be rejectedfor too much already. And no, thanks, i have enough of it.

That's why i do it all. That’s why i put my head before my heart. That’s exactly why i keep thinkingthat i don't deserve to be loved. Why?To protect myself, to not get my expectation high, only to have them crush merciless. no, no thank you. i've seen too much people's expectation went deeper than the ground because of me, i don’t need more expectation crushed because of stupid feeling that can be mistaken as “love”by my stupid heart.

I still remember back in my high school year, i broke Baekhyun’s relationship with his girlfriend because she doesn’t like me clings to him everywhere he goes. And that stupid Baekhyun, instead of avoiding me, he stood by my side and said to his girlfriend that if she couldn’t bear to see the closeness between me and him, then she doesn’t worth the relationship. They broke up right that moment. Why did i say Baekhyun is stupid? Because he cried for days after their broke up.

From there i learn to fake my emotions and let my brain be in charge.
I'm a pretty fast to think that i like someone. There is this Kris, i get comfortable around him. Sometimes we chat for hours. Then i think he has a feeling for me, something more than just a brotherly feeling.

I think i like him. I let myself think that he likes me back, but there’s times heactcold towardsme, maybe he only thinks of me as a mere acquaintance.

By the time i knew he only think of me as a little brother, i already fell too deep. I'm ed up, i know.

And now i'm writing this, why? why i write this? my friend can read it and poof, all hell break loose.

But why? simple, i'm not strong enough to keep it all.
Why? because that's what i think of myself.i’m not strong enough to keep this secret for myself.

Why? why didn't i tell other people or my best friends my problem? because i can't trust people that easy, yes, not even my best friends have my full trust. I need sense of security by not giving my trust 100% to people.
Why?
Just... because.

Diary entry of Park Chanyeol

12 January 2014

P.s : if you guys were wondering did i confess to him, the answer is no. I knew he only saw me as a little brother when i accidently walked on Kris and Suho “leader talk” on the kitchen. Good thing i haven’t confess yet that time.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A short one, isn't it? i'm sorry for making it so short *bows* my brain not that properly function at night kekeke

anyway, what do you think guys? don't be afraid of dropping comment and tell me my flaw^^ i won't bite *well unless you are Kris, i really wanna bite him, can i?*

Byeee~ *goes sleep*