Himchan wasn't a queer.

At least that's what he wanted to believe.

He considered his confusing attraction to Yongguk as to something that was just hormonal—just his puberty playing around; he'd get over it soon. (But then infatuation to your best friend of the same gender wasn't a common teenage phase.)

Homouality wasn't really something tremendously accepted in society. And although Himchan really wasn't the type of person who'd give a about people's negative opinions, he arrived to the thought that although he found a lot of girls really attractive, none of them struck Himchan the way Yongguk did.

The way Himchan's chest would feel light whenever Yongguk would do and say completely cheesy that deserves a punch in the gut was something new and unexplainable to Himchan. The way he just had to look away whenever Yongguk would smile at him a little too largely because Himchan would become conscious of his burning cheeks. The way he would flinch whenever Yongguk would ruffle his hair when Himchan would become grumpy. The way it would disappoint him whenever Yongguk had to leave for his next class.

That was the problem.

Yongguk was the problem.

Himchan's junior year was probably the busiest, most productive and most fun school year he'd ever been in.

Aside from the fact that he got nominated and ran for the position of vice president in the high school department student council, he also won (along with the advantages of the height of his fame and popularity.) With this came the consequences of being obligated to become an automatic organizer of school events and programs and inter-campus joint organizations and clubs. And since he had to attend to these things all the time, he only got to hang out with his friends for about once a week and sometimes never in a whole month.

It was quite beneficial too in some way since Himchan had the time during 'business' breaks to ponder alone about himself and to see if there's really something off about his gender. He also got the chance to get a little distance from Yongguk's clingy persona and sarcastic flirtation so it kind of lessened his worries and insecurities.

In this duration, Himchan made an attempt in getting to know some of the girls that were in sight so he could see their effect on him. But it only ticked him off since he found some women terribly annoying (and sometimes disgusting) so he came to the decision to drop his 'girlfriend-hunting mission' and to continue sticking to his campus jobs instead to distract himself from his feelings (from Yongguk.)

But during weekends when Himchan would hugely miss Yongguk's irritating dumbness (Himchan wouldn't say it directly but he really would miss Yongguk every now and then), he would call him and tell him that he'll come over and stay for the night so they can do some movie marathon and catch up with each other (because that's what friends do, they catch up on each other.)

Things didn't always come as planned, though.

"I thought we were supposed to be hanging out," Yongguk said sourly, eyes fixated on the action movie he and Himchan were supposed to be watching together.

It was ten in the evening and both men had their feet up on the sofa in Yongguk's dimly lit bedroom. Downside was, the chips on the table were neglected and no one was talking and Himchan was on his laptop madly typing in something school-related or council-related, Yongguk didn't really bother to know, he didn't have time for that.

Himchan stopped what he was doing for a moment, craning his neck to look at Yongguk who seemed to be in his unusual grumpy mood. Himchan sighed guiltily, hesitating between his best friend and his laptop. "I know. I'm sorry, Guk. It's just that I have to finish these invitations we have to send to other schools for the annual fund-raising project—"

"Well, really, you had to come all the way here just to do that when you should've just stayed at home, better for all of us," Yongguk snapped, flashing Himchan a look of distaste. "The last time you were here we couldn't even hold a proper conversation because you keep getting calls from god knows who and now you bring your work with you? That's just bull, Himchan. It's bull."

Himchan's eyebrows knit together, unused to this side of his friend that he was encountering. "Yongguk, it's not a big deal. Come on, man."

"Big deal? You think I'm making a big deal out of this?" Yongguk reached for the remote and turned the TV off, and all the other noises immediately died down. "This vice president is eating up all your time! It's making you forget things you're supposed to remember, the important things. And now it seems like you actually stopped caring. No, Himchan, this is not a big deal." He stood up and paced across the room, avoiding Himchan's gaze.

With the lighting brought about from the TV screen all gone, the only light in the room were emitted by the lamp on Yongguk's bedside. Shadow was casting half of Yongguk's face and Himchan couldn't see him properly. "Don't say that," Himchan croaked out. "I didn't stop caring."

"Really?" Yongguk stopped by his study table and leaned over it, his hands gripping around the edges and his back facing Himchan. "Did you even know I entered a rap competition? Did you know I got in the top twenty? Did you know I'm performing live tomorrow?"

Himchan bit on his lip and balled his shaking hands into fists.

"See? You didn't even bother to ask, right?" Yongguk gave of a humorless chuckle, dropping his head low.

Silence engulfed the room for a minute before Himchan could build up the courage to place down his laptop on the table and to stand up to make his way to where his friend was.

"Yongguk, don't think this way I have just been—"

It turned out that it wasn't the whole point.

"Himchan," Yongguk's voice dropped to its lowest monotone and Himchan froze on his feet halfway to where Yongguk was standing. He couldn't see Yongguk's face but Himchan knew, with the way Yongguk's shoulders were rigid, that he had greatly disappointed his best friend. "Today's my birthday." 

It was like a punch in the gut.

Himchan stared wide eyed at nowhere, tears threatening to brim his eyes and fall down to his cheeks.

He didn't mean to forget Yongguk's birthday, he was sure he reminded himself about this day two weeks ago while he was doing a late night assignment. But something else had unknowingly divided his attention.

Seeing Yongguk so offended was bad enough, knowing Himchan was the cause of it was even worse. Himchan was unable to find the right words to explain himself, he didn’t know what to tell Yongguk to make him feel better, and he didn’t know how to make it up to him.

Himchan felt like .

He had been missing out a lot on his best friend because of his selfish act of trying to avoid him as well; it's not just because of his tasks and obligations. But he couldn't tell Yongguk that.

“Yongguk, I'm sorry." Himchan's voice broke as he exerted effort to keep himself together. All he wanted to do right then was to hug Yongguk and whisper his apology repeatedly until Yongguk forgives him and Himchan will get to see his goofy grin again.

He was about to take another step closer to initiate the thought but Yongguk spun around and faced him. And Himchan saw how red Yongguk's eyes were with the tears that he was holding back. "Forget it, just leave."

Himchan blinked, perplexed, unsure if he heard it correctly. "What?"

"I said leave Himchan," Yongguk reiterated.

Yongguk was asking him to leave.

With much reluctance, Himchan turned around and collected his things from the sofa, Yongguk watching him with a heavy heart. A tear made its way down Himchan's cheek and he brushed it away furiously, hoping Yongguk didn't notice. Yongguk was the only one who knew Himchan's weakness in arguments and situations alike, he felt ridiculous.

Himchan slowly headed for the bedroom door. "I'm sorry, Yongguk. I really am." Himchan said behind his shoulder, not allowing his voice to break this time as he tried to sound convincing because god knows how regretful he was right then.

Yongguk nodded once, not meeting his gaze.

Himchan didn't know what was going to happen to them next but he promised to himself he'll find a way to make Yongguk feel better but for now, he'd wait for the perfect time.

He closed Yongguk's bed room door shut as he left.

As much as Himchan tried to date back from the time they started hanging out, he and Yongguk didn't really have much misunderstandings ever since.

The closest thing they had to a 'serious' argument was when Yongguk accidentally broke one of Himchan's janggoo drumsticks into half and Himchan went ape about it and ignored Yongguk for three days straight—he didn't answer any calls from him, ditched any class they had together using his musical training as an excuse, anything to avoid him in school at all costs. But, in reality, it really wasn't much of a big deal since Himchan had like eight sets of janggoo drumsticks (but it was his favorite pair and so it was a big deal to him—he was maybe just a little bit partly enjoying the fact that Yongguk was pursuing him.)

But after the third day without communication, Himchan had found a strawberry flavored cupcake (with marshmallow toppings) on his desk when he arrived at his Traditional Music class period along with a small note sticking out on the space next to it:

Channie, I'm really sorry about your drumstick, really. Please stop ignoring me, I miss you :-( I remember you telling me you love strawberry flavored food. ♥♥♥ So cafeteria later at lunch? -Yongguk :D

Himchan had to bite down his lower lip as he tried very hard to suppress a very large smile that was starting to eat up his face (which was by the way already burning red.) He stuffed the post-it in his pocket, concluding how gay Yongguk was as he glowered at the pink cupcake.

He looked up and inhaled deeply, trying to compose himself because he was mentally trying to explain what he was feeling and it occurred to him that he was beginning to describe how he's experiencing butterflies fluttering in the pit of his stomach and he had accidentally imagined it literally and how gross would that be. His face scrunched up at the thought.

It was a few seconds later when Himchan realized that he was gaining funny glances from his classmates around the room that he straightened his face and cleared his throat before sitting down on his chair.

Himchan grinned to himself as he plopped down on his own bed, that one was a very nice memory. Yongguk had been so persistent and determined in trying to make up with him and Himchan was left unjustified because he just couldn't help but smile even if his objective was to remain looking offended.

Yongguk had been so persistent and determined, and Himchan had to be like that too. He couldn't wait for three more days just like he himself made the other wait (what a torture he was, he realized), he had to see Yongguk's gums again.

He had been staring at the ceiling of his bedroom when an idea came to him.

He scooted to his left and reached for his phone lying on his bedside table. It was already half past twelve midnight but the self-centered side of his personality was taking over him. With a few swipes and pressing, he entered the number he needed to call, pressed the phone in his ear and waited for the other line to pick up.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Sunhwa, I don't think I can make it to the event tomorrow since I'm feeling kind of sick right now. But I already finished the invitations and I'm going to send them to your e-mail—"

"What? Himchan, you can't miss this, we need you! We have guests from the University of Seoul!"

"Aw, come on, Sunhwa, can't I just make a pass right now, please?"

"Wait, Himchan—" But Himchan had already disconnected the phone call, not wanting anymore arguments, he already had made up his mind.

He his lips as he scrolled down his phone contact list again, looking for the right person for his final phone call of the night.

"Hello?" He heard across the line once again. But this time the voice was groggy and annoyed, seemed like Himchan had disturbed someone's sleep. Feeling guilty about it, Himchan almost wanted to drop the call and wait until tomorrow but now was actually the perfect time already.

"Hey, Daehyun. It's me, Himchan. I'm sorry for waking you up. Do you know where and what time will Yongguk be performing tomorrow?"