He isn't Kim Jaejoong right now, but Cha Muwon from the drama Protect the boss, singing Sung Sikyung's You made me impressed in a karaoké. He's supposed to think about No Eunseol, while sitting next to another woman.

Yes it was like that back then

since I loved you

the world to me was a big sensation

Yet as he closes his eyes, it's another face that appears. A face belonging to Kim Jaejoong's past.

“The king is an egoist, said Jaejoong referring to Yunho. Laughter followed. And Yunho's food almost went down the wrong way.”

He opens his eyes, stares at the lyrics on the screen and continues to sing even if his heart is getting heavier with each word. But isn't it a good thing for the shooting?

If I forgot that feeling

the life I have lived

for a short period of time till now

will become nothing 

His melodious voice rings softly in the room, enthralling everyone from the actress beside him to the crew behind the camera.

I’m trying to reverse it,

I’m trying to find you 

“It does not matter if we are passerby or the king, all of us came here in the same car, he said, again making everyone along the staff, the other guests and Cassiopeia laugh.”

Although without you

I will still be breathing fine

“Our king...began the female MC, seeing the king Yunho give a piece of meat to the passerby Jaejoong, then she contined, actually gave food to the passerby. 

After being fed by Yunho, Jaejoong smiled sweetly to the latter, melting the man’s heart. Their sweet moments melt hearts of thousand Cassiopeia.

With only regrets and longing I can’t survive

“Why is the king doing this, said the female MC once again.”

Not even for a day…

He finishes to sing with a head full of memories.

“CUT! screams the director.

A little smile appears on the heartbroken man’s face as he lowers his head to not let anyone see how bittersweet it is. He shakes his head to make them disappear.

Concentrate, Jaejoong.

Pushing his personal thoughts aside, he films the rest of the scene like a professional has to do, hiding his true feelings  to others even if he wasn’t capable of, sometimes. Yet it was okay, because this scene mirrored his real feelings. Singing while thinking about the loved one.

After the shooting, he bows to the staff, his co-actors and bides them a goodnight. Before he can leave, the director runs to him.

“Jaejoong-shi, your acting improved. This scene was perfectly portrayed. You showed Muwon’s feelings rightly. Your acitng was on spot.

— Thank you, sir. I'll keep doing my best.”

He bows once again and heads to his car. He stares at a spot on the wall before, sighing then places his forehead against the wheel. It's coming back, this sensation of void.

Of course, it wasn’t difficult for him to act as Muwon when he himself is a sad lonely guy, with a heart closed to explode, to burst with every memories coming to his head. They are like a boomerang hitting his heart harder each time it comes back.

He tightens his hold on the wheel. No, he can’t go home.

**

Loud music pulses in the nightclub, people are dancing everywhere on the dance floor. Women dressed with the latest dress and jewelry, everything to get people’s attention, move their body with energy. People who come with their friends just to enjoy a moment, forgetting about their life outside the club; their boss, their work or bills. Like a protection, the music envelops their burning body and they dance with everything they have.

Yet in a corner, one man doesn't take part. Jaejoong always tries to push his hurtful past with a drink or two. A past filled with almond-shaped eyes that could see right through his cold one. A manly smile, a bit childish which never failed to bring a smile upon his face.

“I love you, Jae.”

A small smile appears on his face.

He can still feel the latter's warm breath against his ears as whispered sweet words enthralled him. He remembers whispering them back as tender hands slid around his waist. If he closes his eyes, he has those strong arms tightening around him. Protective. Like how they would be him inside airports. Safe he was back then. He always loved how after making love, the other brought him against his heated chest.

But now, everything about this man hurts. Every smile, a knife that stabs his heart. Every confession, an accusation that tears him apart. Every laughter, a mocking ax ready to chop him.

The childish and high-pitched laughter resonates inside his head.

Shut up, please.

He gulps down his whisky, hoping to stop it, but to no use. The laughter sounds louder after every glass.

Shut up!

Even the burning sensation in his ribcage can’t tame it.

“Shut up!! he screams. Every soul within a meter around him turns their head.”

No one seems to recognize him. He, Hero Jaejoong, once one of the Gods of the East but it was before, now he's Kim Jaejoong, a man with a bleeding heart. Annoyed by the loud sound which couldn’t shut the voice in his head, he stands up and leaves for the exit.

He fills his lungs with the night's cold air, then takes his phone. After a few minutes, he crushes the cigarette under his foot and steps inside the taxi. The driver drives away. He leaves, hoping the laughter will stay in that nightclub. But just a few minutes into the ride, it comes back, hitting him square in the heart. It makes him remember what he left behind him the day he came out of their home, TVXQ’s house. Two of s, or brothers he never had amongst which was one of the most important people in his life. The one he will never forget, Jung Yunho. 

My lovely Yunho-ah, my other half, my heart, my everything, my love, my soul.

He’s all of that. No one can live without his soul, right? Why will he be an exception? 

There would be no me if not for you. My other half.

Taking his phone out, he looks at the picture in the screen. The five of them in their home. In the living room, Changmin and Junsu were seated on the ground while Yoochun, Yunho and he were on the couch. Everyone was smiling like they had won the lottery, but even the biggest amount of money couldn't win in front of their happiness together.

However it was really money alongside mistreatment, injustice and tiredness showing their ugly faces that torn them apart. Junsu and Yoochun from their evil and playful yet mature maknae and their leader while he, from his soulfighter, and his lover.

A smile appears on his pale face as he caresses with his thumb their maknae’s face. Memories of his favorite dongseng kicking his feet with the mob in a bowling club, kicking him on the back while hugging him, hitting each other, laughing, crying when they won the award for the Album of the Year at MKMF in 2008, feeling relief that Cassiopeia supported them even after they were gone for so long. This same person who threatened SM to torn his contract if they remove Jaejoong from TVXQ, the time he wasn’t popular because of his concept, which didn’t match him at all.

His thumb switches for his leader’s face, manly and small. He remembers after they won, Yunho went to him and hugged him. YunJae's famous hug which made YunJae’s shippers the happiest fans in the world. This famous hug that appears on a lot of banners in their concert proving YunJae’s shippers support.

He remembers the burning of his cheeks after they released, still holding their hands. Just before their names were pronounced, when they were sitting, his leader had taken his hand out for him to hold.

I don't know if they are watching this or not, but just in case they are, I would like to tell these two friends that I love them. Thank you very much.

His smile fades. Its' now impossible for him to hold his hand, to hug him and to whisper to each other as they used to.

He scrolls down the phone numbers. 

My Lovely YunHo <3. 

He hadn't erased the number, not even changed the name. His thumb hovers the green phone on the screen. His heart now beats faster. For a long time, he stares at the screen until it gets black, and sees his face on it. Anxiety disrupts his handsome features. It dulls his eyes, creates frowns of sadness upon his eyebrows, and makes his skin paler than usual, its rosy and healthy hue left. But what bothers him the most is the loud thud of his heart, yet maybe the cramps at his stomach are not helping. His fist hits his chest. Damn, will you stop beating this fast, stupid broken heart!

Normally, many things were easier to do when drunk, like a one-night stand or not giving a about what people thought of him. Even turning an impossible phone call possible, reachable. He had done it many times. With no results. And maybe that's why he's hesitating now. Every unanswered call left him weeping miserably. Tonight will be the same. With a deep breathe then exhale, he turns on his screen and makes that call.

Yet when the first ring sounded against his ear, he hopes the latter would not take. What could he possibly tell the latter? I'm sorry I left. I love you? No, that's ridiculous. A simple sorry wasn't going to arrange things between them. If yes, he would have done it long ago.

However, as it rings, he begins to wish Yunho would answer. But as it drags on, h smiles bitterly and pulls the phone away from his ear-

“Hello, a deep voice answers, and his heart stops for a second. The nodes