NOVEMBER 2 2012

Kris-Hyung,

I don't know what drew me to you. Was it your eyes? Your lips? Your entire face? Or was it the way you spoke, so elegantly and polite. Next to you, I sounded odd. Rude, even.

But my heart thumped each time you called my name. Each time you ever spoke to me. For years I battled with myself on how I felt about you. My head said it was wrong, that men do not care this way about each other. My heart said it was a cruel trick, that these feelings of happiness could only go so far.

It became so overwhelming that I cried myself to sleep for endless nights. My mom would sometimes come in, asking if I was alright. How could I possibly be alright? I had feelings for a person of my own , and this man was straight. I was so confused, I wanted to rip my hair out.

People didn't like me at this school before you moved here. Ever since you transferred, the whole school fell into a state of peace. You are our Kingka.

And now I've realized I can never have you. I'm just a memory you will put in the back of your mind until you open up your yearbook in about thirty years. You'll skim through, saying, "Hey, that's what's-his-face!"

Why did I have to fall in love with you?

I shouldn't be so scared. You'll never read this, and I'll move on with life, maybe.

My eyes threatened themselves with tears as I read the letter in the school newspaper. How could I be so stupid?

I had been going to see my counselor for a while now. Mr. Key said I could always trust him with my secrets, because he was sworn to secrecy. At first I was far from comfortable, but eventually the confused part of me won the inner battle. I needed to talk to someone.

So, I told Mr. Key my secret. I had a crush on my best friend, Kris. But Kris didn't like guys. So I was always afraid to tell him.

Mr. Key listened to my problem patiently and suggested I write a letter to Kris, but deliver it to my counselor for safe-keeping. But the school's advice column box was right next to Mr. Key's. I must've gotten them mixed up...

And there was only one Kris at our school.

Thank god I was too scared to sign my name.

~

"Looks like I have an admirer." Kris surprised me by popping out of nowhere while I was gathering some books from my locker.

"H-Huh?" Dammit, I shouldn't stutter.

"The person in the newspaper." He flashed the page into my face, making me stumble back.

"O-Oh. The creepy one." I managed after succeeding to not fall on my face.

"It wasn't creepy! It was endearing!" He argued.

"Yeah, whatever. I should get to class." I really didn't want to talk about this.

"A guy sent this, right? He sounds really down to earth. I love his honesty. Really, my voice? I never thought that'd be a turn-on to some people..." Kris droned on and on. I felt like melting into the floor.

"You shouldn't make assumptions...he could be a she. Or a teacher. You never know..." I made up excuses. I wasn't a down to earth person at all. Was he into that?

"Well, they referred to me as 'hyung', so they are younger than me. And a guy. And Korean. So it isn't that kid Tao. Lu Han and Xiumin are older. Lay is Chinese. Um...who else do we know?"

"Why are you trying to find this kid's identity? Obviously if they wanted you to know how they personally felt they would have given it straight to you." I reasoned.

"But they turned it in to the school newspaper. Who would do that if they didn't want to be found? I wanna know who this person is." Kris insisted.

"Why didn't they sign their name?" I was becoming angry now.

"Why did they put my name on it?!" He was getting angrier than me. I flinched back and turned away.

He seemed to understand his mistake. "I'm sorry for yelling."

I shook my head. "No, you don't need to apologize. I just...don't want to see you get hurt."

Kris smiled and patted my head. "Don't worry, I won't. But I really want to find out who this person is."

I let out a deep breath. "...fine."

~

His first guess was Suho. He was someone I always copied my tests from and he sometimes talked to Kris. To no surprise, he denied writing the letter. He was actually quite flustered when we talked to him.

"Dammit!" Kris yelled as he as he threw a dart to my wall.

"Were you hoping he was Suho?" I asked, failing to keep the anxiety out of my voice.

"Nah...just thought for sure it was him. He really is down to earth." Kris said, chucking another dart.

"Sure, when DO isn't around." I attempted a laugh.

"Wait, DO..."

~

"Hey there. Were you the one who wrote this letter?" Kris said the next day. We stood in front of his locker, impatiently waiting for his arrival.

As if his eyes couldn't get any bigger, they widened to the size of  dinner plates. He looked scared.

"Uh...no." Sweet and short. Just how I liked it.

"Oh. Then do you have any idea who would have written this?" Kris asked.

"I really don't know. But if they wanted you to know, I'd think they would have put their name down. Unless the newspaper purposely left it out."

Kris' face broke out into a smile and he pulled me down the hallway, with me weakly waving goodbye to DO.

~

"What am I going to do? He's becoming desperate to find out who wrote that stupid letter." I ranted to my counselor.

Mr. Key sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I am so sorry for suggesting you write the letter in the first place. But on the bright side, you can figure out if he likes you back! At least we know he's gay now."

I was beginning to cry. "But the problem is he isn't into someone like me. He wants...someone down to earth. Someone with deeper emotions."

Mr. Key raised an eyebrow. "Chanyeol, when I started dating I had a specific persona in mind. Tall, masculine, well-built body, big . Now my future wifey only has one of those qualities. He barely has a at all."

Despite my melancholic mood, I had to laugh. "But Kris isn't you, he's...stubborn."

"Well...what are you going to do...if someone who isn't you, claims to have written that letter?"

~

That afternoon I found myself in Kris' room, discussing the embarrassing topic, yet again.

"So it wasn't Jongdae. Three people left now! Baekhyun, Kai, and Sehun." Kris counted off excitedly.

"What makes you think it's one of those three?" I asked dully.

"Because it's gotta be one of them. I don't talk to a lot of people at this school. Now that I think about it, that's really sad. This is after all, my last year."

I nodded unenthusiastically. "I have one more year. Don't get excited."

"Mhm..." I turned around. He wasn't even listening. His eyes were glued to the newspaper article.

"So...are you still coming to my Choir performance on Friday?" I asked.

He shook his head. "Sorry, Baekhyun has a recital that night and I was planning to ask him there."

I felt a sharp pang in my chest. "You could ask him earlier. Why that night?"

"Because...I think it's really him. I want to make it special."

"But...this performance is really important to me. I chose one of the songs myself..." I attempted weakly.

"I'll come to the next one." Kris replied lazily, staring intently at my letter, perhaps hoping it would give something away.

"But...I chose one of the songs." For you. I added in my head.

"I said I'll come to the next one." Kris' eyes never left the paper.

"FOR 'S SAKE STOP OBSESSING OVER THAT STUPID CONFESSION!" I jumped up and shouted. Finally, I got his attention. "I'm sorry I had to yell, but you're blowing me off and I'm getting really pissed. You're obsessed with an illusion you've created of this person and you've forgotten me."

Kris' eyes narrowed. "It's one performance. Don't get your in a twist." I had his complete attention for just a moment, before he went back to the paper.

My hurt overpowered my common sense. "Have you ever thought that the confession might be from an ugly person?" I began.

"Stop it."

"Or that it's someone you hate?"

"Shut up."

"Worse, what if it was a prank-"

"SHUT THE UP! I AM NOT GOING TO YOUR STUPID CHOIR CONCERT AND IT SHOULDN'T MATTER BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SING!!" Kris yelled, gripping my shoulders and staring at me like I was someone who just pissed him off. Not his friend.

I felt my face becoming wet and he loosened his grip. I grabbed my bag off of his chair and made my way towards the door. "We did auditions last week...and I got the solo." I said before leaving.

~

On the night of my performance, Lu Han had to cake my face with make up so it wouldn't be evident that I had cried for days.

"Kris is a jerk. He doesn't need to show, we already have a full house." My hyung comforted me.

I could only nod. I hated my weakness. I hated that I couldn't get a grip.

"Look at me, Chanyeol. Tonight is all about you. Not Kris or any of your other friends who didn't come. Tonight is about you."

I bit my lip and hugged him. He was so nice...maybe I would take his advice.

When we all got onstage, the theater was out, with the spotlight frying us like eggs. I could barely see the Choir conductor. My palms were sweaty and my lips started chapping.

After four songs, I made my way up to the edge of the stage, adjusting the mic to fit my height. I felt like an awkward giant...

"And for our final performance, one of our members, Park Chanyeol, will be singing the solo parts of our next song, Once Upon A December."

A few people applauded, and I had to heavily resist the urge to run off the stage. I was so scared. But the piano started playing and my subconscious took over. I was singing, but I couldn't control anything. Nevertheless, te notes came out as flawless as they could.

My teacher made me stand there quietly even when the first part was done. It felt really hot in there. The spotlight wa off of me by then, but the stares of the audience had me sweating bullets. It was probably taking off all the make up.

Finally, my last solo came. The spotlight beamed back onto me, almost as if it was a UFO above me. Getting kidnapped by aliens.

I was in the same trance as before. My voice was on its own. I sounded better than I thought.

Once I was done, applause thundered through the theater. I couldn't believe it. People actually liked me.

Back in our dressing room, while we were getting out of our tuxes, Lu Han said to me, "Can't wait to tell Kris how good you were. He will forever regret not being here!"

My heart sank a bit at this.

I was the last one to leave, because it was my turn to properly put away all of the tuxedos. When walking out, I froze at the person sitting on the bench.

Kris was there, full out in a tux, holding a bouquet of flowers.

"H-huh...." Was all I could muster.

He stood up and made his way over to me. "Is it...too late to give you a proper apology, and admitting I'm a stupid, selfish bastard?" He handed me the flowers.

"For...me?" He nodded. "Why?"

"Well...don't people usually get flowers when they perform beautiful music?" Kris smiled.

"You...you came?" I whispered.

"Yeah. I saw you sweating bullets. Speaking of which..." He took out a hankerchief from his pocket and wiped my face. "Were you...crying? Oh my God I'm so sorry. I'm a stupid selfish bastard. You should totally hit me for ignoring you."

I shook my head. "I-I wouldn't go that far. Thank you...for coming. But...what happened to Baekhyun?"

"I did a lot of thinking this week and I'll shoot him a text tomorrow. This was really important to you, and I can see that now. But Chanyeol..." He paused. "Finding the person who wrote that letter is inportant to me too. I can't just leave someone who wrote that beautifully hanging."

I bit my lip. "Haven't you thought that...the person might not be what you imagine them to be? Down to earth, poetic, the whole deal..."

He nodded. "I realized that too. I won't expect anything but a face."

There was an awkward silence.

"Chanyeol?"

"Yes?"

"Do you know who wrote the letter?"

"...no."

"Oh."

"...thank you for the flowers."

~

A week passed. Baekhyun confirmed that he did not in fact, write my letter. Kris tried Sehun and Kai. Both denied it.

Kris became semi-depressed. I felt so bad for doing this to him. If only I hadn't taken Mr. Key's advice! If only I never put his name on that stupid letter!

Mr. Key surprised us by announcing his wedding. He invited me and Kris, saying it would cheer us up. It would be on the beach, so our parents let us go.

His new wife, Taemin, was beautiful. He had long hair and a feminine face. He was as nice as Mr. Key.

After the bride threw his bouquet, and a little girl caught it, They started serving cake. As everyoe was distracted, I roamed absent-mindedly to the shore. I needed to think.

I took off my socks and shoes and put them higher up in the sand, while I walked in the water. Now I understood why people always did this. It felt nice, relaxing...calm.

"Are you abandoning me at a wedding?" Kris came up behind me. Startled, I tripped over my own feet and fell back into the cold water. Kris laughed.

"Jerk!" I splashed him and pulled him into the water with me. A wave came in and we were pushed up the sand a little bit.

He smiled again, but only briefly.

"Kris...you should really let it go. The person must not have signed their name for a reason." I said.

He looked up and glared. "Then why did they have to give it to the newspaper? That's basically broadcasting 'hey there I like you wanna go out' to me."

"Maybe it was an accident. Maybe they didn't mean for it to be in the school newspaper..." I continued.

"How could that-" He stopped completely. "You know who it is."

"W-What?" Crap, I gave myself away.

Another wave came.

"Don't lie. Tell me who it is."

"I don't know."

"Yes you do. Tell me, I have a right to know." His voice was cold. Colder than the water.

"I. Don't. Know." I insisted.

"Are you this selfish? You can't tell me a name? I've been obsessed for weeks, Chanyeol. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't stop thinking about this! What if I like this person back-"

"IT'S ME!" I shouted.

Silence.

"I wrote everything. I meant everything. But you were never supposed to read it. I was going to give it to Mr. Key for safe keeping, but it landed in the wrong box and the newspaper published-"

I got cut off as he stood up. "Is this...some kind of joke?"

The tears burned my eyes. Another wave crashed against my body. "No...I'm in love with you."

He was already shaking his head. "It...it can't be you. It can't be."

"This was why I didn't sign it." I whispered.

His eyes widened as if I turned into a giant spider. He ran away.

I stayed, feeling like taking a swim.

~

On Monday, Kris ignored my presence completely. I only approached him once, where he walked right past me.

I didn't go back to school for the rest of the week.

My parents weren't paying too much attention. They didn't want to deal with me, so I hatched an idea.

Taking all the out of my backpack, I packed clothes, food, water, toiletries, and money. I left a note for my parents, comfirming my running away. I told them every month I'd send them a letter notifying them I was still alive. My parents were artists, so they would allow a spiritual journey, or whatever I was going on.

I took one look at my cell phone. Would I need it? I flipped open the screen. No messages.

I left it on my bed.

~

I never expected it to be glamorous. And it wasn't. I used my bike to get around the country, and I slept in temples or in a tent.

For the first month, I got a job helping an old woman with her gardening until her son came back from the army. She was very sweet and thankful. She gave me the spare room and cooked my meals. I worked very hard to try and pay her back. And when I left, he gave me a picnic basket to keep me from starving.

The second month I worked for a a restaurant in the city. I washed dishes and I was allowed to eat any of the leftovers. But I got fired when they finally bought a dishwasher.

The third month was my more adventurous one. I found an old hut on the shore of a beach down in Mokpo and took shelter in that. I bought a fishing pole and a pan with the money I saved up, and I survived on tuna and crab for a good four weeks.

I kept my promise to my parents. They never wrote back, because I was always on the move, but I hoped they cared when they received them.

By the fourth month, I was exhausted. Mentally exhausted. What was I accomplishing by running away? The farther from Seoul I got...the more I missed him. My heart beat in my chest like a drum beating for war.

But I was too scared to go back home...

~

Eventually I rode back. What did I have to be afraid of? It wasn't like I ran off to have a baby.

But I was still so scared.

My parents welcomed me with a slap on the arm and taking me out to my favorite restaurant. They told me I was going back to school immediately the next day. It was already April...wow.

"Channie, you've gotten so tan!" My mom gasped. "And do you have muscles now? Let me see your six pack!"

I laughed because my muscles weren't even that big, and my stomach was still flat.

My dad went into this long story about the time he went in his spiritual journey and met my mom, the love of his life. Before, I hated his stories. Now...they touched my heart in the right place.

~

On my first day back, everyone stared at me. My hair had gotten longer, and it was true, I had gotten very tan. But most importantly, I tried smiling again. It felt good.

At lunch, I got pulled into the bathroom by the last person I ever expected to see.

"Chanyeol." Kris whispered.

He hadn't changed a bit. He ran his fingers through my hair and cupped my face.

"Hi Hyung." I whispered. Our faces were so close together.

"Where were you?" A tear ran down his face.

"I was...thinking." I managed, shocked that he was crying.

"About?" Another tear. Another.

"...you."

He crashed our lips together. Murmuring "I'm sorry" and "I love you too" several times.

I kissed back. Through our time apart, my feelings never decreased. Only intensified. If that were possible.

~

"So where did you go after that?" Kris asked me, intertwining our hands.

It was night, and we were laying on top of his car, looking up at the stars. I had seen so much of them these past few months, but they were never as beautiful a tonight.

"I came home. My parents were happy to have me back, saying I finally became a man."

"Did you have fun through it all?"

"There were times wen I was ecstatic to be on my own. But there were times I just broke down too. Overall, it was quite an adventure." I explained.

"Have I apologized for being an yet?"

"Only the whole day."

"Well, I'll never stop apologizing. I truly am sorry for all of this. But please...don't leave me again."

I nodded. "I don't want to."

He scooted closer and wrapped his arms around me.

"What did you do while I was gone?"

"I don't remember, and I don't care." He whispered, sounding sleepy.

"Oh?"

"I may have cried...a lot." He admitted.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it. Just kiss me?"

I gladly obligied. Forever and ever.

________________________

This story...just popped up in my head. I had to write it out.

Your thoughts?