I can literally hear the splatter of the rain outside my window making ugly noises as I tried to fall asleep.

It has been days. Weeks. Months.

 The pain won’t go away.

I sit up straight and ran down my hands on my hair frustrated at myself. I should have done better. I shouldn’t have said those words.

I wish I didn’t have to hurt her.

But I did.

“Kris?” I heard Xiumin ramble as he tried to get out of bed. “You still awake? It’s already 2 in the morning. We have schedule at 7.” He pointed the fact as if it could change anything.

“I can’t sleep.”

“Stop talking.” Luhan mumbled as he covered his ears with his blanket. “I am trying to sleep.”

I sighed. I know I should not let my members worry about me but my brain wouldn’t cooperate. My body is tired but my mind still works overdrive.

I am afraid to fall asleep.

She is almost always on my dreams.

More then a year had passed but my memory keeps on going back to that day where I said those painful words to her.

___

“I’m sorry.”

“We can make this work Kris. We always do. Trust me.” She begged making me hate myself more.

“I’m sorry.” I heard myself say it again. “I’m sorry.”

“Please don’t be sorry. I understand. Just please don’t do this. Not like this Kris.” She sobbed.

I felt my hands wanting to touch her. Comfort her. Tell her everything will be all alright and like always we will be fine. But I couldn’t. I have to choose. I have to let her go.

“Kris, I’m sorry. I couldn’t understand. Help me to understand.”

I shook my head. There is no other way to do this. If I try to explain myself I will end up hurting her more. Being a member of EXO is a big responsibility. If I don’t do this now I will never have the courage to let her go.

I love her but I have to choose.

And I choose to hurt her now than later.

I felt tears on my cheeks as I turned around. “I’m sorry. You’ll forget about me and you’ll move on. I wish the best for you.”

“Please don’t do this.”

“Goodbye.”

__

"Sorry." 

“Hyung. Hyung.. Wake up.”  I am awakened by Tao’s worried face as I opened my eyes. “We’ll be late hyung. You’re the last to wake up.”

I nodded trying to erase the memory of a dream I so often see I don’t even know if it’s reality or not.

The rain is still pouring crazily outside.

Just the same, I felt my chest tightened to the rush of emotions.

She’ll be fine.

I’ll be fine.

We both have to move on.