Story title: You were never been mine... [Wings and Fins entry]

Author: Eternity

Reviewer: Femireu

Femireu's notes: I'm not the most perfect writer, nobody is perfect, everyone has flaws and mistakes including me. But flaws and mistakes can be reduced by learning :)

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Title: (2/5)

First of all, your title didn't attract me (don't throw things at me >.<) If you want, just use "You'll never be mine" to make it simple. Or "The spaces between Moon and Earth" or something like that that sounds attractive and fits the story perfectly.

Poster & Background: (-/5)

I won't judge you on this since you don't have any.

Description & Foreword: (4/10)

The description sounds good but it doesn’t suit the story perfectly. And the roman numerals really annoying, I suggest you to delete it.

For the Foreword, you should've put a short paragraph or two. If you flip through the dictionary, foreword means "A piece of writing as an introduction at the beginning of a book." or in our case, "at the beginning of a fanfic."

If I were you, I'll just use this paragraph as my foreword:

Now I understood why he said It was beautiful. I saw what he felt before when he looked at It... -bla- -bla- -bla- 

But I've made my version:

And at last, I knew why he said It was beautiful after I got the hang of it. I knew why everytime he looked at It, he looked as if he’s sinking into its world and forgot about all the things around him, including my presence.

How great is it? I asked myself as I was standing by the window, leaning my head against the frame and began to stare at it as the wind teasingly blew... It was beautiful, really beautiful that disurpted all my thoughts, that's just how exquisite It was.

It’s silvery light that was blurring any sense. And I was sure that I look like him in those days of "weakness" and I practically had the same grotesque expression crossed my face. For a moment as if It gave me permission to look into my memories to come back to him, at that moment... The last moment when my beautiful angel was with me.

                                                                                                                                                                        -Kangin.

             And for the link of the contest, put it in its own space under a thin line.

Plot and Originality: (4/10)

A boyxboy story, right? So, who is "She" that you mentioned in the beginning? Sorry I was just confused.

Your story is quite unique but I've seen such a fanfic. I mean, staring at the moon, kissing scene, filled-tension atmosphere but you wrote it in your own style, gotta give you credit for that, eventhough I saw some errors in spelling, grammar, punctuation, and vocabulary.

Character: (7/10)

Your characters are my favorite although I kinda hate boyxboy story. They each have a completely the same feeling; desperate feeling and you explained it all brilliantly, I could imagine how Leeteuk’s expression. But still, there are some mistakes in SGP&V.

Flow: (4/10)

For the flow, it's nice. You didn't jump from this scene to another scene immediately, but sadly... you put a lot of thoughts that made me boring through a few sentences and you didn't explain the setting of place. That's the minus point for this section. I suggest you to remove unnecessary thoughts and add at least an explanation of where’s your story taken to make your viewers can imagine the situation around them clearly, not only their feelings.

Anyway, you have 2 characters, right? Leeteuk (Jung su) & kangin (Young woon). You're using the first person point of view because there's "I". But whose "I" is that…?

Chapter 1.

"You’re sad Jungsoo." I told him when I felt that he grabs my hand.

                 The "I" was for Kangin since jungsoo is leeteuk. But in another paragraph you changed the point of view all of sudden.

"I am happy Kangin." And he said with such conviction that for a moment I doubts that if I am crazy.

Why?! WHY?! Why did you change the P.O.V from Leeteuk to Kangin without me knowing?! I'm sorry but it's confusing me.

You have to fix it right now.

I suggest you to write Kangin's P.O.V or Leeteuk's P.O.V to make it clear. Also you need to consistent whether to use their real names or their stage names. Take this as a serious case, please.

Gladly, The 2^nd chapter I know it's Leeteuk's P.O.V because leeteuk said, "I wanted to stay with him forever. With my Youngwoon, my Kangin." :) But still, you have to point out whose P.O.V is that. Or you just stick to one P.O.V since you only have a few chapters and if I were you, I'll just stick to Leeteuk's P.O.V.

Ending: (6/10)

The ending is good! I love the way you showed how eager Leeteuk was to be back to the earth with Kangin when actually he couldn't and he gotta stay still in heaven. Also, please forgive me for my Jump-To-Conclusion habbit, I think your chapter 2 is another version of chapter 1 which you wrote in Leeteuk's P.O.V.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/ Vocabulary: (13/30)

English isn't your major language, is it? So, like I mentioned before, I'll go easy on you. 

Your writing mechanics need a help. I noticed that you switched the tenses from past to present, vice versa. I also saw a few mistakes in punctuation but you kept on hitting repeat, repeat and repeat.

-Instead of:

I. "He belongs to the Moon... he never been mine... but I still want him..."
II. "I don't belong here... I'm not for you, and you're not for me... so let me go..."
 "But no matter what... I will always love you."

-It should be:

"He belongs to the Moon, he never been mine, but I still want him…"
 "I don't belong here, I'm not for you, and you're not for me. So, let me go..."
 "But no matter what... I will always love you."

            Don’t use too much ellipsis. It’s quiet annoying because when people read it… the voice… in their head stops… for a while as they… see the ellipsis…

-Instead of: -Tell me ... is there something bothering you? - I asked him, look at his face. His gentle features were calm, his lips - slightly open and his eyes were so empty.

 -It should be: "Tell me, what ails you?" I asked as I looked over his face. His gentle features were calm; his lips were slightly open and his eyes were staring blankly into space.

 Look at what I've done to your sentences, don't ever try to use Dash/Hypen instead of quotation marks. You can use ‘ ’, “ ”, ' ', " " but please, once again, please don't try to be different by using Hypen/Dash. It’s annoying.

-Instead of: - I don’t understand what you see in the Moon. I don’t understand why you watch It constantly and don’t talk to me anymore. - I continued now looking in his eyes.

-It should be: “I don’t understand what you see in the moon. I don’t understand why you watch It constantly and stop talking to me all of sudden.” I continued as I was looking into his eyes.

                   I don’t know what was your motive for using capital ‘I’ for ‘It’ as the pronoun for the moon. :/

-Instead of: -Beautiful? - I asked him. I saw a slight tilt his head sideways and smile crept on his lips.

-It should be: “Beautiful?” I asked him. I saw he tilted his head sideways slightly as a smile crept into his lips.

-Or: “Beautiful?” I asked him. I saw a slight tilt he made as a smile crept into his lips.

-Instead of: -Because It's beautiful. - Ah, the gentle melody that I had not heard for so long.

-It should be: “Because It’s beautiful.” He replied. Ah, the gentle melody that I hadn’t heard for so long. And now it’s my turn to be curious.

If you want to write a thought, write it in Italic. It’s the proper way to express the thought. Believe me.

-Instead of: He leaned his head on my chest and I felt his breath even from my shirt. I pressed him harder to myself and buried my face in his hair, inhaling the scent of him – it smelled of sadness.

-It should be: He leaned his head against my chest as I began to feel his breath was penetrating my shirt. Without I noticed, I pulled him tighter and buried my face in his hair, inhaling the sadness scent of him.

            I recommended reading the dictionary when you have leisure to extend your vocabulary. Just like me.

Overall enjoyment: (6/10)

            To be honest, I was expecting that your story will be the fanfic of the week (for me, lol) but then I was wrong. I’m sorry... It’s all because you didn’t try to spacing paragraphs, it’s not that hard hard to click “enter”.

The ‘err’ one:

The good one:

I love this part. The way you spacing paragraphs was utterly fabulous in the screen-cap up there. If only everything’s settled like this part… 

The only problem I have is you mistaken the dialogue(Look at the flow section) and it took 3 or 4 times for me to get the point of your story.

And the last but not least, I appreciate your attempt to translate the poem you wrote in your mother’s toungue.

Total: 46/95 = 48,4%

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Femireu’s end notes: I’m sorry if I sounded harsh but I’m just trying my best to help you. Once again I tell you, I’m not the most perfect writer, even I ever got bad scores for my story, twice. But it encouraged me to keep on learning how to write properly. But I still can't really write properly. I’m not being a privy council or something ya know… tehee~ I hope this will help.

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A.       Comment below to let me know that you have received the review.

B.       Credit to the specific reviewer and the shop on your foreword or description.

감사합니다 ^^