It’s darker now hyung,

the owners of the shops along this street begin to close their store.

the wind blow, everyone try to reach home as soon as possible. It’s cold.
Am I too silly for waiting you here?
the stars shines brightly now, hyung. It’s beautiful.
just like the sparkle of fireworks that we used to stared at when you having a problem.

We? Ah, maybe it just you, because I always stared at you instead.

Fireworks...

to me, that word bring various memory, colourful, and dull....

~March 2008~

I know you look at me with judging eyes hyung, I know

I know you regret Yang Sajangnim's decision to accept me in Bigbang instead of Hyunseng, I know

I know you find me irritated,
just a lazy, overconfident and stubborn maknae.

I know, I know it all.
But I won’t give up to make you impress.
I will make you to accept me and acknowledge my presence as our team’m maknae.

 I will.

So that, I practice even more. I sleep late, practice in my own. I wake up early, practicing again, then make sure to waking all of you up. Making my dark circles even darker. And our fans begin to call me baby panda. A little happiness fill my heart when I see you smile and chuckle hearing that. Maybe you begin to acknowledge me. Just maybe..

I try hyung, I try.
So that, I ignore the pain in my sprain leg. Trying to Jump and sing perfectly in the stage. Smiling and playing with our fans. At least, that’s my job as a maknae. Being the one to hook up between us and our fans. I feel high, jumping and singing, when suddenIy I saw a bright shine just in front of my eyes. My face is hurt, it feels burn. The last thing I know before dark eat me up is I ask for painkillers. And I know, I ruined everything.

The light of hospital’s lamp was making my eyes hurt. It was too bright. I scan the room and just find our manager there. You and the others came two hours after that. I want to cry. Want to punch my self. But I won’t cry in front of others, especially you. So I just bow down my head, keep asking forgiveness for my careless act that ruined everything.

Daesung hyung just smiled and told me to don’t worry about it. Youngbae hyung pat my shoulder and asked me to just rest. TOP hyung as a cool man just smile weakly.

But hyung, you don’t say anything.

You didn’t smile, you didn’t cheer me up, you didn’t scold me.

 You even didn’t make any expression.

Just a cold stare.

And I felt the burning heat in my face made my eyes feel hot too.

I want to cry, really want to cry.
You know hyung, It’s hurt.
Not my face, but my heart.

I’m sorry hyung, I’m sorry..........

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

My legs feel sore for keeping run.

It’s darker now, Ri.
the streets not as crowded as before.

You still waiting for me, don’t you?

In a small park, I saw a child burning a firework.
the little sparkle makes me stop for a moment.
the firework... it reminds me of you

~March 2008~

I know you hated me for being a hard leader Ri, I know

I know you trying hard to be acknowledge by everyone

I know you practice secretly everyday to proof that you deserve to be Bigbang’s maknae

I know Ri, I know it all

But one thing that I don’t understand

Why do you try hard to be known?

Why do you always says you are allright even your dark cicles being darker day by day?

Why do you keep being stubborn just to proof that you are not a little child anymore?

Why  must you cry alone in the middle of night?

Why must you hide all of your pain and save it all alone for yourself?

You don’t alone Ri, You don’t.

We are a team, a family. We are here for you. I’m here for you. Why don’t you reach me up??

I know you obsessed of being an adult whom can stand alone in his feet.

So that, I make it hard.
make you practice longer and harder than everyone. Scolding you for every wrong steps. Point out every mistake. Make sure you did it perfectly, singing your line beatifully, doing your coreo without any mistakes.

Just to make you strong and ready for the cruel world of entertainment

Just to make you even better day by day.

Just to make you believe that you deserve all of this.

Am I too hard, Ri?

Because of me, you ignore your sprain ankle and keep jumping and singing.

Maybe because of me, you are too high to realized that the fireworks can harm you.

Maybe because I ask you to much.

And because of me, here you are.

Lie in hospital’s bed. Asking for painkiller for your burning face.

Is it hurt, Ri? Ah, stupid question !! ofcourse it hurt. Idiot. I knock my own head unconsiously.

I want to cheer you up like daesung did.

I want to pat your head and told you everything is fine.

I want to scold you and keep nagging.

But I didn’t do it.

I can’t, even if I really want to do it.

Maybe I’m too cruel. But it’s for the best, Ri.
There are words that says people being people because they make mistakes.

But we are not people, Ri.

We are idol. The netizen stared us as an angel whom can’t make any mistakes.

Every word, every step, everything about us are in the monitor. So we must be careful in everything.

I know it’s too cruel. But this is our world, Ri.

It is the consequence we must take.

Still it hurt, Ri?

I know your eyes became teary when I don’t say anything and don’t make any expression.

You want to cry.

I really want to tell you it will be fine. But I can’t.

I’m sorry, Ri. I’m sorry....