I bit my lower lip as I stared at him standing right in front of me. I had no idea why but tears simply started to moisten my eyes. I tried to hold it back and I was thankful I succeeded. He stayed glued to where he was, his body exquisitely poised and the smile not fading away from his lips. It took me a moment to realize a needle was injected in his left hand—the one where I placed my plaster back then. I looked at the IV drip dangling behind him, and my eyes traced the metal stand it hung from.

“I need it to prevent myself from getting dehydrated,” he explained.

I blinked once, and my eyes focused on him again. “Nice to meet you, Clover.”

He chuckled. “But of course. You look lovely tonight.”

“Thank you.”

“Have a seat.”

I nodded, and sat down on the vacant chair across him. He did the same, and I noticed we had a cup of warm beverage each. From the bright Woohyun back then, he seemed to act more like Clover. The air around us was silent, but comfortable all the same.

“Is it okay if I call you Woohyun now?” I asked.

“Then may I have the honor to call you Hana?” he asked back in reply.

I looked at him, and nodded.

“All right,” he said. “Woohyun it is.”

He took a sip from his cup, and I did the same with mine. I heard the door of the ward click to a close, and I figured Sunggyu left the scene.

“I was planning on bringing you to a café,” he began. “But as you can see, I’m a bit…tied up.”

He raised his left hand slightly, and I could only stare at it.

“It’s fine,” I replied. “You brought me to one back then.”

Silence.

“Clo—Woohyun,” I said again. “Are you dying?”

There was a short pause, and then he smirked. “I’m not.”

“Then why are you in here?”

“You don’t have to be dying to be confined in a hospital, Hana.”

“So why?”

There I was again, being assertive. I wanted to stop myself from asking, but knowing he was there in the flesh, I couldn’t help it. It felt like if I didn’t do it while I had a chance, he might slip away from me and in a way, there was a little voice in my head saying I didn’t want that—that I’d never want that.

“I told you back then, didn’t I?” he said. “I’m weak.”

“You did,” I choked out.

“To put it simply, I have a heart disease, and I’ll be having my operation soon.”

I looked at him straight in the eye, trying to extract out more information from him. I tried to read between the lines, like a good university student would but of course, all of my efforts were futile.

“Sunggyu and I are the best of friends,” he said. “And I already knew of your existence way before I introduced myself to you as Clover. Whenever he visited me, he’d always complain about this girl who loved sleeping too much, you see.”

“I never told him about my blog, though.”

He smiled. “And about that, finding you was nothing but a fluke. I like the way you express yourself. I truly do.”

I found it difficult to comprehend the things he just told me. I had no idea how I expressed myself—heck, I couldn’t even tell if I was expressing myself at all. However, him telling me that was an assurance to me.

“So after experiencing a bit of my reality, Hana, how do you feel?”

I looked at my coffee to think. Woohyun’s world consisted of cafés, abandoned parks, Haruki Murakami and cats. It was, all in all, a quiet place where a wave of nostalgia would never fail to occur.

His world was the golden drops of sunshine during the transition of summer to autumn.

His world was the soothing background music in cafés.

His world was the crisp smell of wood varnish in local libraries.

His world was the blood clotting up in a drip chamber.

His world was the late summer evening being spent in a hospital ward’s veranda, while wearing decent clothes.

I smiled, and finally replied, “I feel honored.”

“Honored,” he repeated, in an amused tone. “I see you’re still an idealist.”

It was my turn to smirk. “Don’t act like you’re not used to it.”

“As you wish.”

The both of us took another sip, as if we had all of the time in the world.

“Did you tell Sunggyu to do that?” I asked.

“Do what?”

“To tell me he’s Clover?”

“I did.”

I glanced at him, and asked again, “Why?”

“I was simply wondering if you could really hear my voice,” he answered. “Because from the replies you’ve given to me, it felt like you did.”

I scoffed. “You think? I even had no idea you were Clover when we first met.”

“I’ve always been told I was a good actor,” he pointed out. “And considering we were only getting to know each other at that time, I’m not a bit surprised of your cluelessness.”

“You rarely get surprised,” I said.

“Ah, you know me so well,” he returned.

I then realized: despite Woohyun’s bright front, he could be neutral like Sunggyu, as well. I figured it was their common denominator. Our conversation lasted for hours, but never did we touch our family life, and other topics similar to that. We mutually agreed those things could be talked about next time.

Our conversation lasted for hours, and yet like our letters, it seemed to only run around in circles.

“Woohyun,” I muttered.

“What is it?” he replied.

I bit my lower lip, and stole a quick glance from him. I hesitated for a moment, but decided to look at him straight in the eye. “Sunggyu said something about you wanting to be heard.”

A short pause, and finally, he returned, “Don’t we all?”

I fell silent on what he said, and finally, came to a conclusion he had a point. I may not say it as well but in a way, I wanted people to hear me. I couldn’t be vocal about my words, but through writing, I was able to speak out all the same.

“I’m hurting. I’m lonely. I’m in love. I’m happy. I want to die,” Woohyun gazed at me with those steady eyes of his. “Most of us desire to let other people know how we truly feel. Speaking can come off as easy, but sometimes, it’s the people who wouldn’t listen.”

I didn’t reply, and this encouraged him to carry on. “I have this childhood memory, where I got lost in a crowded place. I tried to call out for my guardian’s name, but he couldn’t hear me. Fear got the better of me so I started to cry until a policeman brought me to his station. I got found later that afternoon, and my guardian said this: ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t hear you because of the noise.’”

Woohyun chuckled, and added, “I think that was how everything began. Hana, what about you?”

I blinked once. Twice. “What about me what?”

“Why do you want to be heard?”

I smiled, and answered after pondering for a bit, “I want to bring about change.”

“As expected from an idealist,” he commented.

I smirked at his remark. “Not really, Woohyun. I’m not really good at anything aside from writing. I just want to expand this talent of mine to speak up for the others who can’t.”

“For the people,” he murmured, smiling. “How noble.”

The both of us finally stood up to stare at our city’s skyline. From where we were, I could see the sparkling edifices, standing tall in a distance together with the moving vehicles with bright headlights. The animated melody composed of music, laughter and horns seemed distant. All I could hear—all I wanted to hear—was our soft breathing and the rustling of our clothes and hair due to the balmy wind.

“When I’m able to write a decent book, Woohyun,” I said. “I’d dedicate one to you.”

I could’ve sworn him chuckle. “Why, that would be an honor.”

I smiled, and I began to think of titles in my head:

To Clover.

Iridescent Clover.

Bored Clover.

Mysterious Clover.

Idealized Clover.

To Clover, just Clover.

We basked in this glorious silence, and that in itself was more than enough for me. We stood there for a long time, not saying anything and only standing still, when the curtains were drawn apart behind us.

“I’m sorry,” Sunggyu’s voice said. “But we have to go, Hana.”

“I still have something to tell her,” Woohyun chimed in. “Sunggyu, can you wait outside for a minute?”

Sunggyu seemed to hesitate for a moment, but said nonetheless, “Sure thing.”

He turned around to leave, and Woohyun faced me. “I think I should tell you this, but my operation will be held overseas.”

“I have a feeling it will,” I replied with honesty. “You wouldn’t plan the search if it wasn’t.”

He smiled. “Thank you for your perseverance, Hana. I also did that because I might not be able to have the opportunity in the future.”

Something seemed to get stuck in my throat.

“It is possible for things to go wrong during the operation, after all.”

“Are you not afraid?” I asked.

“I know where I’m going,” was his prompt reply. “Once I’m gone, don’t search for me. In the mean time, forget Clover and Woohyun existed. Talk to Sunggyu like the way you usually would. Don’t preoccupy yourself with thoughts that revolve around me. Hana, do you understand?”

I wanted to defy his words, but I ended up nodding to his instructions. His voice was calm and assuring while he talked, so I pretended I wasn’t worried about him.

“You can go now,” he said with a final smile. “Sunggyu’s waiting for you outside.”

I gave him a wave of goodbye, and he added, “Next time, I’ll be the one searching for you.”

<:>

I was back in my ordinary clothes and the paper bag I held contained the pieces of memories Woohyun left me with. I told Sunggyu I wanted to walk first, and I was surprised to have him agree with me, considering he was someone who could get tired easily.

“I need one, as well,” he said.

He had his hands shoved in his pockets, while I had mine behind me, with the paper bag bobbing as I walked. I stared at my shoes, and I wondered what Sunggyu could be feeling at that moment. They were the best of friends, after all.

“Sunggyu,” I began. “How do you feel?”

“My best friend’s about to have a major operation with a success rate of 65%,” he answered. “How does that make you feel, Hana?”

He wasn’t bitter with his words, I noticed. I glanced at him, and I could see he was struggling with his emotions, considering he was someone who wouldn’t show it.

“Like crap.”

He smirked. “Like crap,” he repeated. “Like crap.”

We found ourselves wandering about a play park. Sunggyu sighed, and proceeded to sit down on one of the swings. I followed, and took the one next to him.

“Woohyun likes swings,” he said. “Especially the one from the abandoned park.”

“I see,” I replied.

“Are you not mad at me, for hiding something so big from you?”

“You have your reasons,” I answered. “So I understand.”

He chuckled. “I never thought I’d see this side of you, Hana.”

“I never thought I’d see this side of me, too,” I admitted.

<:>

I invited Sunggyu to have a cup of hot cocoa before he left, and while he was drinking it in the dining room, I checked on my blog.

I searched for Clover, but he wasn’t there anymore.

The blog, once filled with his intriguing thoughts and ramblings, became nothing but a blank page, with the sentence ‘User has deactivated this account’ on it. Something inside me seemed to shatter, and before I could hold everything in, a sob escaped from my throat, followed by another, and another.

Sunggyu must’ve heard me, because he came storming into my room. I must’ve been a wreck, because his face became anxious all of a sudden.

I must’ve been really a nervous wreck, because he choked out through gritted teeth, “Damn it! What must I do to make it right?”