I saw it from the beginning.

It’s not to say I didn’t do anything to stop it, but I did watch. I watched as AJ grew closer to Kevin, as Kevin wrapped his arms around the older. I watched everything. I saw the way AJ lost himself in the other’s eyes, and I saw the way Kevin wrapped AJ around his finger. I saw it all. Sometimes I wish I was blind.

But I wasn’t, and I watched.

I did try and stop it. I tried to convince AJ of something else, to explain what was happening. To help him avoid the black hole which had each of us in. I tried. It wasn’t my best attempt, but I did try. They can’t mock me. It wasn’t as if any of them did any better.

“AJ,” I grabbed him one day after practice. He looked at me in surprise, the sweat rolling down his face. “Can I speak with you for a second?”

He shrugged. “I guess.” He followed me out through the back.

I leaned against the brick wall, getting straight to the point. He wanted to shower. I wanted to shower. “What do you think of Kevin?”

AJ shrugged. “He’s a good friend.”

I raised an eyebrow, “Just a good friend?”

He looked confused, a frown changing his face. “I don’t know what you’re trying to hint.”

“Don’t you ever find Kevin a bit…oh, I don’t know…possessive?”

“Kevin? Possessive?”

“You know, like controlling, obsessed – the list could go on,” I shrugged. “Do you ever see that?”

“I don’t really understand what you’re trying to tell me.”

I sighed. “Look, I guess the best way of telling you this is that Kevin is not a good person. Stay away from Kevin. He’s not good.”

AJ narrowed his eyes, “Excuse me?”

“Ask anyone, except Hoon that is, Hoon wouldn’t know much. Ask any of the members. Ask them about Kevin. Ask them about their friendship. See what happens. You’re not going to hear rainbows and fairies about Kevin Jaeseop. You’re not going to hear anything you like at all.”

There was a pause.

“I think you’ve got a problem,” AJ said slowly.

“Me?” No, it wasn’t me with the problem. No, it was Kevin.

“I think you don’t want me hanging out with Kevin because you’re jealous,” AJ pursed his lips.

I wanted to laugh. Provided this had been a comedic situation, I would have. “Jealous?”

“Don’t play dumb,” He said, “I did my research before I joined U Kiss. I saw how friendly you and Kevin were. I saw it all. I’m not stupid Eli. Now, I don’t know what your problem is, but it sure as hell isn’t mine.”

He stomped off, back into the practice room. I followed. I didn’t see the point in trying to convince him anymore. There wasn’t really much of a point. He, I figured, needed to see what kind of monster Kevin was himself.

“AJ, where did you go?” Kevin was already clinging to his arm.

“No where,” AJ responded casually, refusing to look in my direction.

I caught Soohyun’s eye.

“Didn’t work that well did it?” He sounded almost mocking. I couldn’t blame him. He and Kibum had tried to talk to me too. When I was like AJ. When I hung onto Kevin’s every word.

“Nope,” I responded.

“He’ll figure out,” Soohyun concluded, walking away. He didn’t care much anymore. I guess he got tired of being treated like .

I couldn’t lie. I was once like AJ.

Everyone in our group was, one way or another. I never really did see Kibum’s phase, but it surely happened during the days of their previous group ‘Xing.’ I saw Soohyun get dragged in first. I watched him fawn and care for Kevin as if Kevin was his baby. Dongho came next. Dongho was cute – Kevin liked cute. Therefore the maknae was the next target. Both phases lasted for about one promotion – Soohyun in ‘Not Young’ and Dongho in ‘I Like You.’

Alexander’s phase was next. It was over as soon as it had begun. I couldn’t say it was unexpected. Alexander was bright and hard to tie down. It seemed impossible for him to be confined – even by Kevin. 

Then came Kiseop and I.

We were, in simple words an experiment. Nothing more, nothing less – just an experiment. Kevin decided he wanted two pets now. He wanted to see what would happen. He wanted to feel needed. He decided to take two members, twist them up, and watch them fight for his attention. The kid was cruel. The kid was twisted. But he was also lonely and insecure. He was also scared of losing. He didn’t want to see people go.

I guess that was it. I guess that’s what stops me from killing and burning his soul. I guess it’s the pity I feel. Worthless, pathetic pity.

After all that kid did, I was still feeling pity.

Constantly trying to match up the Kiseop, constantly vying for Kevin’s attention – it wrecked any previous friendship I had with Kiseop. It killed everything I had worked so hard for, killed every relation I knew. Being Kevin’s plaything costed me every single friendship I made in U Kiss. Soohyun never smiled at me the same way. Kibum never joked with me the way he used too. Alexander couldn’t even look at me the same way. Even Dongho wouldn’t act like he used too.

Sometimes I regret it.

I could relate with AJ. I could understand his desire to impress, his keen, eager personality. He wanted to be accepted. He wanted it so badly. I could understand where he was coming from. I could understand what he was looking for. He was practically replacing a member – he knew what kind of effect he’d have on people. He wanted so desperately to please. He needed to please.

For once, I could imagine myself in Jaeseop’s position. I could imagine the crowd which would look at me in anger. He would still be here if it weren’t for you, I could imagine the glares, the hushed whispers and the ruthless silence. Giving your best, trying your hardest, doing everything in your power, yet knowing it’d never be enough. Knowing you couldn’t replace someone. Knowing your attempts would be useless. Knowing you’d never be accepted.

It hurt, it hurt a lot.

I decided to give AJ one final warning.

It wasn’t anything major. I just thought I’d warn him about Kevin. I tried again, this time as we travelled to a schedule together. AJ obviously didn’t like this arrangement. He made an attempt to sit as far away as he possible could. It was as if I was going to bite him. I rolled my eyes.

“Still considering what I said?” I asked.

“ off,” He told me in English. I had forgotten he went to an international school. “I don’t need any kind of ‘help’ you offer.”

Well he was nice.

“Listen kid,” I said angrily, “I get that you don’t like me, but don’t you think you should hear me out?”

“What’s there to hear from some jealous idiot?” He snapped back, “You’re like, seriously disturbed. Go off and bother someone else won’t you? What are you afraid of? Me stealing your little American friend?”

“Why don’t you just shut up and let me speak?”

“Because as far as I’m concerned, you’re some jealous girlfriend on her period. Go screw yourself.”

“Fine! Be like that!” I shouted, “Go through all the crap everyone else went through. Go watch yourself lose everything you love over that kid! Watch as you change and distort. Go on AJ, go look into those innocent eyes, drown yourself into his loving words – I promise you, AJ, you won’t get out alive.”

“You sound like a badly written novel,” He scoffed back, “What is this? Some crappy romance?”

I decided at that moment, as AJ slammed the door in my face, that I did not like AJ – no matter how many similarities he bore with me. Not to mention the fact that I actually did have to get out – not just him. Soohyun often took the time to tell me that AJ was, in fact, just as stricken and obsessed as I had been. That AJ was the doppelganger of me.

It did not matter. I did not like AJ. And, if AJ be the clone of myself, I guess, in simple terms, I do not like me.

I guess one day, AJ grew tired of the act, just as we all did. It happened quickly, but the change was major. AJ no longer looked for Kevin; he no longer looked after Kevin. He never asked about Kevin’s presence, nor did he ask about Kevin’s feelings, wants or needs. It seemed that AJ was determined to live down this moment.

“Just like you did,” Soohyun commented vaguely one early morning, sipping his daily intake of caffeine. I assumed he took pleasure in reminding me.

“I know,” I replied. That was not true. I did not know. I didn’t understand.

He chuckled deeply, taking a big gulp of coffee. “You know, as soon as you realised you were a pawn, your reaction was the exact replica of AJ’s. Except with more anger,” Soohyun nodded thoughtfully to himself, “Yes, more anger. Definitely.”

“Do you enjoy this?” I asked casually. He pissed me off to the core.

Soohyun looked at me with weary eyes. He looked completely devoid of any hope. I guess, after awhile, you stop trying. “If you can’t beat them, join them.”

I wasn’t interested in his offer, regardless of whether he proposed it or not. I did not intend to give in towards a lonely child who took other people, ripped them out of their lives and left them in rot in his bittersweet hands. I shook my head.

“Never for that kid,” I said.

Soohyun smiled, “And to think, just a year ago, you would’ve jumped off a bridge to save his life.”

The next day I went back to the dance room to practice. I couldn’t master the moves as fast as Kiseop could. I guess I was kind of glad. I didn’t like being near Kiseop. Not after everything.

Surprisingly I saw Kevin.

He was sitting over a bench, leaned over as he gulped down astonishing amounts of water. The kid didn’t sweat one bit. He didn’t dance in the room. No one, considering the choreography we were complied to do, could practice the routine without sweating heavily. No one. Even Kevin, who didn’t sweat as much compared to the others, would have at the least a moist forehead. Yet there he was, spotless, leaning over.

I didn’t really want to sit with him.

Yet I did.

So there I was, sitting next to him. It was as if he was in his own world – my presence was barely acknowledged. He seemed too wrapped up in his own world. We sat like that for awhile. It was, admittedly, one of the best conversations with Kevin I ever had.

“There was blood everywhere,” He said suddenly, “There still is, Eli.”

“You should clean it,” I replied mildly.

“I know. But there was blood.”

“Yes, you said that.”

“Hey Eli?”

“Yeah?”

“Does that make me a bad person?”

“Having blood?”

“No, killing someone.”

“Yes it does.”

“Does it make me a murderer?”

“Yes.”

“But I had my reasons.”

“That doesn’t change much.”

“AJ changed.”

“AJ?”

“Yes, AJ.”

“You murdered AJ?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“I told you, he changed.” He smiled sweetly, “So did all of you guys.”

“Kevin,” I said.

“Yes, Eli?”

“Go home and sleep.”

He nodded, “I will, but promise me something, will you?”

“What is it?”

“Promise you’ll be mine forever.”

I paused. “I can’t promise you that.”

Kevin nodded thoughtfully, skipping off. I sighed, resuming my place on the bench. AJ was dead. I wondered why Kevin took it so extreme this time. I wondered what changed. I wondered what made him crack. I wondered if I would be next to die.

I guess, in a twisted way, I can understand Kevin. I guess I can see where he came from. He was so scared of everyone leaving him. He was so scared of being alone. He needed to control people to feel wanted. He doubted his ability to make friends, so he used his charms to grab people. Kevin is a confusing human being, but at the same time, he is so simple.

Kevin got scared when he lost control of AJ. He wanted to be able to predict people. Kevin thought people were like maths – straightforward and simple. He thought we were all equations with one answer. Kevin tried too hard to simplify the world into a maths equation. He ended up losing control of his pattern. I guess that’s what drove him to madness.

Kevin was possessive, controlling and dangerous. Behind his cutesy smile, his loving face and his cheerful eyes lay something much more demanding. A selfish, inhumane sign. Yet it seemed so ironic, as I looked back on that day, how inhumane I was. To not have battered an eyelid as I heard of my fellow member’s death. It was sickening to think of how inhumane I remained. I went home that day. I didn’t feel like dancing.

The next day, I believe, was the end of me.

(A/N: I don't really like this. I really don't know what I was doing while writing this, but it's here anyways, haha. :D Please comment and tell me what you thought!)