You eventually make it out of the room, only to realize that they are in your bed and you aren’t about to go back in to sleep in Jaejoong’s bed either.  And the other room is obviously out of question because Yunho, Junsu and Yoochun currently share it and that’s bound to be where Junsu has hidden himself if he didn’t leave the apartment all together.  Your strong façade breaks then, as you lean against the closed door, you stay for a moment longer until you hear the hushed whispers from the two men inside – and then you quickly head through the kitchen, snagging keys and shoving clumsy feet into shoes as you stumble blindly out of the door and towards your car in a hurry.

You’re barely in the car before you’ve already got the car thrown into reverse.  Tires squeal and smoke and protest as you pull from the parking lot and onto the less busy city streets.  You smash the pedal against the floor of the car, swerve through traffic and run red lights.  You’re lucky you haven’t crashed or rolled your car or caused an accident by the time you hit the city line.  Traffic disappears mile by mile, and lights starts to fade away.  The road is smoother, tighter as it winds through trees and hills and open landscape.  You don’t dare look in the rearview mirror, blasting the music, the bitter cold wind whipping through the open windows. 

You fly by the parking lot, further away than you’ve ever driven alone before as the cars disappear entirely and the only light is the moon and your headlights.  The road straightens out and you figure if it was light out you’d be able to see for miles ahead.  You keep driving but you slowly ease of the pedal and just drive comfortably.  You lower the music slightly but you sing along now, voice loud and wide as the wind carries it away seconds after it leaves your mouth.  And only then, when your heart starts to settle and your hands are shaking less and your eyes can see a little clearer, do you allow your mind to think and your heart to open.

You wonder if things will ever be the same again, if you’ll ever be comfortable and whole around your members ever again.  You know that your relationship with Yoochun hasn’t changed at all; you know that he would be there for you without a second thought and that he would undoubtedly follow you to the ends of the earth if you asked.  You figure that Jaejoong would only be a step or two behind, whether it was for you or Yoochun though would remain unknown; but you like to think that the eldest boy has a soft spot for you, because after all you are his baby.  You know that Yunho will stand beside you throughout whatever decisions you make in life, whether it be personal or professional or both – Yunho has a very strong sense of loyalty so you fear that he’ll try to play buffer and referee and attempt to fix whatever might now be broken.  You think about Junsu for a second but the pain is to strong so you shuffle for another train of thought instead. 

You think that you’re still such a foolish kid, that you’ve really got so much more to learn about life and love.  You try to tell yourself that your heart is going to heal one day that you’ll be able to move on eventually; maybe you’ll even stop loving him. But you also think that’s a bunch of bull because you can’t see yourself ever feeling quite this way again, whether it’s because there’s just no one like him, or because you’d never want to feel this pain, this ache, this sadness ever again.  You wonder if he’s okay, if Yunho will be able to fix whatever you may have ruined for the soft boy that’s closest in age to you; for all his happy smiles and bright eyes and complete brightness you know the boy feels sad, gets scared, cries from time to time – he’s probably just as soft as Yoochun is on occasion but no one points it out.  Then you realize you’re thinking about Junsu again, and a few tears fall silently.

You hope that you haven’t destroyed his freedom; his ability to laugh and joke and tease and smile.  Because if you’ve dimmed his light you’ll never be able to forgive yourself and you wouldn’t even know where to start in trying to fix it either.  You jump slightly, grip tightening against the wheel, as your phone goes off.  It’s just a text message, and you’re tempted to just ignore it; but maybe it’s an emergency.  You’re surprised for a moment by the sender and the content as you check the clock.

Are you okay? The message is vague, so you aren’t sure how to answer it for a minute.  As you’re contemplating how to answer your phone goes off again.  Seriously, Min! Are you okay!?  You can almost hear the desperation but you just continue to stare at the phone for a while, then it goes off again but a different tune and you realize it’s a phone call.  You swallow a few times and then answer softly.

“Hello…”

“Oh thank god.  Min! What the hell is going on?”

“I,” you have no clue what is going on, what he’s talking about, so you aren’t sure what to say. 

“Jaejoong-hyung called me, though I didn’t even know he had my number, and I was shocked to hear from him.  But then he was like almost in tears and I could hear Yoochun-hyung close to him as well, his voice loud and he sounded really scared.  What is going on!  I could only make out a little of what they said, and I… Are you okay? Seriously!” His voice was shaking and it wasn’t the first time you’d heard him be emotional but it wasn’t very often that you’d heard it either.  You sigh into the phone, exhausted.

“One second,” you say softly, pulling the car over to the side of the road so you can pay more attention to the phone.

“Min, I’m serious. Are you okay!?” He practically screams into the phone when you’re silent for a minute too long, you want to laugh into the phone at the complete absurdity of this whole day but it comes out as a choked sob and then you’re crying into the phone with your face planted against the wheel.

“Kyu,” you choke out, you hadn’t realized how much you’d missed your best friend until hearing his voice.  Being in Japan promoting away from family and friends and everyone except for your members and fans here – you didn’t realize how lonely it had gotten, how much you just wanted to drink until you were too stupid to remember your own name with your best friend a warm weight over your shoulders. 

“Oh Minnie,” Kyuhyun sighs into the phone, his voice soft.  “What happened?”

“I just, I don’t, I’m not, I wasn’t...  I messed up,” you say finally, choking around tears.  “Yoochun-hyung and I got in a fight, and then I lost control of myself.  I said mean stuff, such mean stuff and then… I hit him,” you whisper, fearful of what your friend will think of you.  “I hit him Kyu.  And then Jae-hyung hit me, and they came out of nowhere. Jaejoong-hyung, and Yunho hyung, and Jun-“ your voice breaks, and you hope Kyuhyun won’t point it out.  “They were just there, and it was a big mess.  And then I was crying and screaming and all over the place.  And then Yoochunnie wanted to protect me and fix it, and he was going to blurt out he loves Jaejoong-hyung,” you cough then, stop talking entirely, realizing you just spill a secret to your best friend.  And while you trust him with all the deepest, darkest parts of yourself – you feel instantly like you’ve betrayed some sense of trust your hyungs always placed in you when they told you their secrets. 

“It’s okay Min, I’m not going to tell anyone, you know that.” Kyuhyun says softly, and you wonder if he already knew anyways. 

“And, I couldn’t let him do that.  So… So,”

“Just breathe, just breathe for a minute, it’s okay.”  And you do, you take in a few deep shaky breaths, close your eyes and try to calm down.

“So, I yelled out that I’m in love with Junsu,” you finish.  Kyuhyun already knows about your infatuation, your attractive, your obsessive interest in Junsu – but you’d never be able to say anything about love before, it always got caught in your throat, stuck on the tip of your tongue.  But he’s your best friend, and he knows you better than even Yoochun does - which is saying a lot - so you think he might already know, might have known even before you had.

“Oh Minnie,” he says finally, his voice sounds pained and sad.  And that makes you hurt more; you are tired of making everyone sad and hurt because of your foolishness.  How many more people did you need to hurt before you realized what a stupid child you are? “It’s going to be okay.  Everything is going to be okay.”

His voice is so soft and sure through the phone that you believe him, here on the side of some country road in the middle of the night with the moon shining down through the car window the worry slips away for a while as you melt into the seat.  You close your eyes and listen to him babble for a while about how he loves you so much, and he’ll never leave you alone, and he’ll always be here.  How you’ll be best friends until the end of forever, and his laugh is warm and welcome and like a piece of sunshine for a minute.

“I know,” you whisper into the phone, your heart a little lighter and your eyes dry.  “You’re the best best friend ever Kyu.”  You swear you can hear his smile through the phone, you picture it in your mind for a minute, all straight bright teeth and it makes you smile your heart lighter.