The world you’re living in feels cracked and broken and scary when he starts to pull away from you.  You whimper like a child, bury your face further into his neck and latch onto him tighter.  He stops moving away but you don’t loosen your hold, you squeeze your arms even tighter around him and try to bury into him entirely.  Nothing feels balanced anymore, you don’t know how you are going to avoid or lie your way out of this, how are you going to joke and tease and fake a smile to make this memory fade away and disappear for them.  You’ve broken it now, shattered something and you want to go back to an hour ago and redo this entire scene.

He starts to stand, and you go with him, long arms still latched onto him.  He chuckles into your hair and the sound soothes and loosens something in your chest, you breathe a little easier and feel a little steadier.  He pats your head, and teasingly whispers a “good boy” into your ear.  Usually you’d mock him or yell at him, but now that only makes your heart feel lighter and your head less full of worry.

“Let Yunho-hyung carry you,” he murmurs into your cheek when you whimper and your legs shake after a step.  You want to tell him no, you want to tell him to make them go away; you want to curse and yell and rage at the world.  You know though that he’ll try to carry you himself, with shaky too thin arms he’d struggle all alone if you won’t go to someone else.  So you bite your tongue, and silently melt into stronger arms, a thicker chest, and warmth that is so much hotter than Yoochun’s will ever be.  You’re lifted easily all skinny lanky limbs, you blush hiding your face into the smooth warmth of Yunho’s neck, and avoid looking at Jaejoong or Junsu as Yunho carries you with ease into the apartment.  You refuse to let go as he lays you on a bed, that you quickly realize is your own, and you whine pitifully when he tries to pry your arms from around him.  But you only tighten your hold, refusing to let him go.

“Sit down Yunho,” Yoochun says softly his voice echoes around the silent room, and the bigger male complies instantly.  You curl around Yunho then, sliding your arms down to wrap around his waist, head on his thigh and face buried into his stomach.  A large hand fists into your hair and stays, it’s a small comfort from what you know is coming.  You try to think about the sun, and the sand, and the sea; but you struggle trying to remember, the memories seem hazy and way too far away.

“I’m sorry,” Jaejoong suddenly says, and you realize he must be kneeling against Yunho, because you can feel the warmth of his breath on your cheek as he talks to you.  “I’m so sorry baby,” you whine lowly at the long forgotten nickname, that wasn’t used as a term of endearment but more like a label, but at the same time hearing it from Jaejoong makes you warm inside.  His hand is against your cheek as he tries to pry your face from where it’s buried, you struggle and fight against him for a while before relenting enough to peek one eye up at the man whose face is less than an inch away from your own.  His face lightens, but you only really notice the stress and the worry and the fear that pulls at the corners of his eyes.  You feel guilty, and you reach out a hand to his face, brushing it over his furrowed brow and he laughs then light and easy around a soft smile.

“It’s…” you swallow as your throat closes up for a moment, there’s a warm hand rubbing at your throat for a moment before it slides away again.  “It’s not your fault, I deserved it.”  You hear Yoochun snort somewhere close, and it makes you smile slightly knowing how easily he will always forgive you and you will always forgive him.  Jaejoong starts to argue but you shush him, and Yunho laughs at the look on Jaejoong’s face when you do.  “I forgive you, even though there’s nothing to forgive – unless I get a lecture for a bruise that is surely going to be there tomorrow.  You been working out tough guy?” you tease softly, wanting to wash away all the pain in the soft eyes that haven’t looked away from yours once. 

“I brought some ice,” Junsu says suddenly, awkward and looking unsure as he shuffles from foot to foot at the door.  Yoochun waves him over and places the ice against his own face, shooting a smug smile towards you as you just roll your eyes at him. 

“You’re going to get in trouble for that bruise,” Yunho says softly, his voice is weary as he’s looking at Yoochun’s slowly bruising face.  You wince slightly, apology on the tip of your tongue once again, because all joking aside you did not only verbally assault the older man but you also physical assaulted him as well.

“What are you talking about?” Yoochun asks slowly, his face a blank slate of nothing but confusion.  “I ran into a table with my face earlier,” his voice is so serious and his face is so straight that for a moment you almost question your own sanity and memory.  But then you know that he’s just going to cover for you like always; like he’s been doing since day one, always protecting you and looking out for you – he says it’s because you remind him of his younger brother and he wants the world for you.  You’re starting to believe him these days when he says he’ll never let you be hurt if he can help it.

“Alright,” Yunho says, fingers pulling at your hair, you turn your attention to him and then wish instantly that you hadn’t.  You know that look that’s on his face, all serious and business and worried; he’s going to ask questions now expecting answers, he’s going to pry and pull it all out of you and he’s not going to take no for an answer.  You look at Yoochun out of the corner of your eye, and you can see him shooting nervous glances towards you and Junsu and Jaejoong – he’s biting at his lip and you feel more guilt for silently making him keep all your secrets for all these years.

“I’m sorry,” you say easily, though the words feel small and useless in your mouth.  They are never enough, and you can’t bring yourself to say them again.  Yunho nods, and closes his eyes for a moment.  You brace yourself, hands curling into fists, your face blank as you prepare yourself for what’s about to come.

“I think,” Yunho starts but is cutoff instantly.

“This was my fault,” Yoochun says quickly, face bright and flushed, his hands waving around as he talks quickly.  It’s obvious to you he’s drawing as much attention to himself that he can by the way his voice spikes and his hands are blurs of movement. “I was pushing and pushing at Minnie outside, I was trying to start a fight because I was in such a bad mood.  I haven’t been dealing well with a situation, and Minnie knows about it.  And initially I was just going to sit and talk, silence of the night and all that.  But then something snapped and I just got angry and I’m so tired of hiding and being afraid and,” you wanted to shut him up; because you know that he is just you again.  That he is going to throw himself under the bus – so to say – just so you could keep holding onto your secrets, so you could keep hiding and lying and pretending that you weren’t in love, and you didn’t feel this way.  So your parents keep thinking and believing that you are normal. “I’m in –“

“Shut up!” you scream, leaping up so suddenly you scare everyone in the room and knock Yunho and Jaejoong over.  “I’m in love with Junsu,” you screech out, and Yoochun stops midsentence mouth open.  Four sets of eyes are looking at you, and you can feel them all but you haven’t dared to look anywhere but at Yoochun.  Yoochun already knows, and while you’ve never talked about it outright – you know that he’s okay with it, that he supports you, just as you support his feelings.  But you are scared, terrified; so afraid of the other three and their reaction that you start to shake and you crumble to your knees.  Yoochun is beside you in less than a second; skinny fingers a small comfort as they wrap around your own.

“Oh you idiot,” he says, his voice is filled with so many emotions and you know he’s hurting as well because he wanted to shelter you and protect you and save you from the cruelty of the world for as long as he could.  “You idiot, you idiot!” he says over and over, his hand is a fist against your back pounding roughly even as he’s hugging you and sobbing into your shoulder.  You think he’s gotten more emotional about your burst of confession than you, but you don’t feel much more than a deep numbness and a strong sense of paralyzing fear.  “It would have been okay, I was going to fix it,” he cries into your shoulder and his voice is higher than you’ve heard it before, something aches within your stomach and chest at the sound.

“I’m so sorry,” you apologize into his tangled hair.  You’ve still yet to look up and when you do Jaejoong has tears in his eyes and a hand pressed against his chest, his eyes are swimming with emotions that you can’t quite understand.  Yunho’s standing just behind him, solid and strong and stable, but his eyes are weary and tired and pained, you think he might feel sorry for you and you can understand that feeling all too well.  When you work up the courage to finally look towards where Junsu was standing, you realize that he’s fled the room entirely; you feel your heart crack completely as your stomach falls.

“I was going to make it better; I was going to protect you.  Why didn’t you let me protect you, I said I would always protect you. I promised! I said I would! You idiot!” Yoochun is still rambling and murmuring and crying into your neck, so you hold onto him tighter and close your eyes against your own pain and you comfort him for once.  You pull him into your lap, you tighten your arms around him, you brush kisses against the side of his head, and you murmur soft words into his ear.  Eventually he melts into your arms, body sagging in defeat, falling silent but still shedding tears for you.

Jaejoong and Yunho are kneeling then on either side of you, hands warm and solid on your shoulders as they offer their own strength and comfort and support.  Yoochun whimpers softly, his tears drying out but the pain still fresh in his heart.  And you continue to bury your own deeper and deeper, washing it from your mind as you fill your thoughts with worry and concern and love for Yoochun instead.

“It’ll be okay,” Yunho says softly, his voice even and steady in your ear, strong fingers squeezing against your shoulder as his other hands rubs up and down over Yoochun’s back. 

“We will always love you baby,” Jaejoong murmurs into your neck, his tears still wet and sliding down pale cheeks, one of his hands is buried into Yoochun’s hair running fingers through the strands and offering comfort as well.

“You should have let me protect you,” Yoochun whispers finally, though it’s loud enough for all four of them to hear in the silent room.

“I guess it was just my turn to protect you, hyung,” you whisper back, and there are two sets of whimpers into your neck and a sigh over your shoulder.  “I am bigger, afterall.”

No one moves, until muscles are cramping and bones are aching, and the cold of the floor is starting to seep in.  Eventually Yunho shuffles from the room, with a few soft hugs and a murmur about Junsu.  You wince at the name, and it doesn’t go unnoticed.  Jaejoong, Yoochun and you eventually stumble into one bed together; both of them are wrapped around you on either side, keeping you warm, as if they are protecting you from the outside world eyes now dry but pain still present.  You stare at the ceiling because it’s easier than looking and seeing all the hurt and pain and sadness in their eyes; something close to pity and understanding there as well.

“I’m going to be fine you know,” you say eventually, when you are positive your voice won’t shake and you’ve got no more tears to cry. “But it’s the two of you I’m really worried about,” you can feel both of them tense and stiffen against your side, so you pull them closer and soothe them with warm hands across their backs.  While you know Yoochun’s secrets and he knows yours what no one knows if that you know Jaejoong’s secrets as well, something you’ve never told anyone before and also the reason you push Yoochun so hard sometimes.   “You are both so blindly in love with one another, so afraid to open your mouths, so worried about the world, so terrified of yourselves – that you’re hurting and aching and in so much pain that its nearly tangible in the air sometimes.  I could have let you blurt out your confession earlier, I could have allowed you to protect me; but by allowing my own dark secret to be voiced I could protect you both, from yourselves and each other.  I can only imagine what chaos would have happened if you’d blurted that out so foolishly Chunnie,” you realize that Yoochun and Jaejoong are so still and silent that they are barely breathing but you feel fresh tears rolling down your neck once again.  “It was about time I returned some favors, to both of you.  But now I think I’ve done my duty as the baby for the night, and I just want to rest.  So talk, please – If you aren’t going to do it for yourselves or each other; do it for me, because really you both owe me that much right now.” You slip from the bed, but not without trouble because both are latched onto you so tightly and neither seems ready for you to disappear, because that makes it real for them and you know how scared they both are in this moment.  But you also know them, you know them so well; and you know that the moment you step out of this room, the moment they swallow that fear down, they will finally look at each other and see - everything will fall into place.  You think that their love will be wild and free and blindingly bright; color and rain and storms - whipping winds, and blazing heat; but it will also be more real than anything else they know, more true, tender, passionate, consuming.