Have you ever had to stay behind while your love travelled across the world? Have you ever had to give up the most important thing just so he could be happy? I did. It’s sad, really… All those times I shared with him, and I can’t spend any more with him because of his career. If you are ever asked to date a boy band member, my advice to you is to say no. It will ruin your life and crush your heart. But unfortunately, the best thing for me to do was to set him free. I was holding him down, stopping him from reaching his potential.

Eli was my first and only love. He was my gentle, funny pigeon and I never thought he’d be taken away from me. I wanted to hold onto him forever, but the ropes I had tied around his heart had been cut loose. ‘By whom?’ you may ask. Well, by the fans.

It was my best friend, Kibum who introduced me to him. Kibum used to be in Eli’s band, but things happened and Kibum couldn’t be a part of the U-Kiss seven any longer. It was on Kibum’s birthday when I was introduced to my funny, loving pigeon. I was still buzzing after getting the new Guitar Hero game for Christmas, and all I wanted to do was play on it. So I was very disgruntled when my parents informed me I had to attend my best friend’s party. The thing I often forgot to mention to people was that he was also my cousin. When I was younger, I used to think that being blood related took away the friendship feeling, and my family was known for being bad at friendliness. My uncles and aunts were always fighting over something, and I didn’t want to be like that with Kibum.

As we were celebrating Kibum’s nineteenth birthday party, it was a formal event. I was forced to wear an electric blue off-the-shoulder party dress. It was very short in my opinion, which was why it surprised me that my parents wanted me to wear it. I honestly thought I looked like a hooker in it! With it, I had to wear these painful stiletto heels. They weren’t exactly high, but if you’ve never worn stilettos before, three inches is painfully high. Another down side of the outfit was that it was winter. December 29^th, to be exact. Therefore, I was absolutely freezing.

When we arrived at the venue, I was stunned by the beauty of it. It was a posh hotel that the party was held in. The room we had been given was ridiculously large. At least three dozen round mahogany tables filled most of the space in the room. The walls were painted cream, with a russet brown border around the top and bottom, separating them from the pristine white ceiling and the dark violet carpet below my feet. There were large, wall length windows that had indigo curtains pulled across them. At the front end of the room, in the centre there was a dance floor that was flashing with brightly coloured LED lights. On each table, serviettes had been articulately folded into fan shapes, with shining silver cutlery lying beside them. I felt as though I was too unrefined to stand in the room.

“Dongsaeng-ah!” Kibum called as soon as I stumbled into the room in my not-so-high heels.

“Kibummie-oppa!” I squealed when he lifted me into his arms, hugging me tightly. He swung me around in his vice-like grip a few times before setting me down on the luxury carpet again.

“Dongsaeng-ah, you look amazing! So watch yourself around all the boys. Especially my band mates. Let me introduce you to them.” He called over his six friends, each one of them conveying a different style and aura. There was a short boy of no more than fourteen. He had short black hair and curious chocolate eyes that squinted when he smiled at me. He waved one of his delicate hands when Kibum introduced us to each other. “This is Dongho, our maknae. You guys could be chingus. You’re both fourteen after all.”

A sandy haired, gentle, baby-faced boy stepped forward next. His pale, flawless skin shone under the bright lights that were reflected onto the dance floor. His slender frame made me envious, while he studied me critically with his beautiful bronze eyes. Those same eyes lit up in a smile when I sent my own nervous smile his way. “This is Kevin. He’s older than he looks…and acts for that matter.”

Shortly after that, Kibum introduced me to Kiseop, a boy with jet black hair, perfect complexion, piercing eyes, a dancer’s figure and a tendency to act cute. Then there was Soohyun, the umma-like figure with auburn hair and a smile that bordered on creepy; Xander, who was about ten feet tall, resembled an orang-utan and looked ridiculously cheesy; and lastly Eli. Eli’s blonde hair hung just above his eyes which looked at me quizzically. A playful grin spread across his face as he held his hand out to me, which I shook.

“Hi there, I’m Eli. The iest U-Kiss member!”

“Yah, Eli! Hands off my baby cousin!” Kibum took hold of my hand and dragged me away from Eli, onto the dance floor. As the DJ started to play SNSD’s Gee, Kibum and I executed all the correct dance moves. However, we were both outshone by the sudden appearance of Kevin, whose diva-like manner beat even Jessica!

Soon after, I shared dances with the other U-Kiss members, except Dongho, who wasn’t interested in dancing or anything other than his game console. When it came to Eli’s song, he changed from his goofy persona and slow-danced with me. Normally, I’m not confident with slow-dancing with strangers, or even with my own family members, but with Eli, it felt comfortable.

“So, how long have you been friends with Kibum-hyung?”

“Pretty much since I was born. Bummie-oppa used to watch out for me all the time! Maybe it was because he wanted a sister… Hyungjun-oppa’s great and all, but Bummie-oppa gets on well with me more.”

“You call him Bummie? That’s so funny! Do you have a nickname too?” Eli asked. His eyebrows wiggled mischievously as he waited for my answer.

“Hmm, he calls me Bommie. Bummie-oppa thinks I sing like Park Bom, so he calls me Bommie!”

“Can I call you Bommie too?” I nodded, eliciting a bright smile from the pigeon.

“Eli, we have to go,” Xander called as the song came to an end. “We’ve got schedules in the morning.”

“Oh,” he sighed at me glumly. “Can I have your number?”

“NO!” Kibum shouted loudly. “Don’t you DARE corrupt my baby dongsaeng, Eli!”

Eli cowered back slightly, as Kibum stared him down. “I’m sorry, hyung… I just wanted to be friends with Bommie!”

Kibum sent me a cold glare before he wandered off to talk to our parents. “So can I still have your number?” Eli asked with a small grin on his face. I nodded and exchanged phone numbers with him.

After I said goodbye to a slightly pissy Kibum, my parents took me home and I collapsed onto the bright blue duvet on my bed, relieved that I was finally able to take those feet killing shoes off. My scratched, grey Nokia began to vibrate wildly, while the screen read: Eli <3 calling…

“Yoboseyo?” I answered.

“Hey, it’s Eli! How are you?”

“My feet are killing me, but I’m good. Shouldn’t you be sleeping?”

“I should…but I’m not. Are you doing anything tomorrow?” He asked curiously.

“No, why?”

“Would you like to come to our photo shoot in the afternoon? I’m sure Kibum-hyung won’t mind.” His voice sounded doubtful as he reached the end of his sentence, but I wasn’t going to let something like that bother me.

“Sure. And I don’t care what Bummie-oppa thinks anyway!”

“Cool. I’ll meet you by the big fountain near Kibum’s house at twelve!”

---캄---

I was waiting for Eli at ten to twelve by the large white marble fountain. The blue water that spurted from the top of the Art Deco structure soon turned a murky colour as it fell into the pool that was laced with dirty coins. The pebbles slid beneath my feet, as I walked around the edge of the fountain, leaving a series of small dents where my feet had been.

“You’ll get dizzy if you walk in circles!” I abruptly stopped and turned around, almost tripping over my own feet. I stumbled in the snow for a few seconds, before I finally managed to catch myself. Eli just stood a few feet away, staring with a large grin across his face.

“You didn’t have to scare me like that!” I whined. Eli chuckled lightly before he walked over to me and linked my arm with his loosely. Steering me in the direction of his car.

“Sorry about that,” Eli commented meaninglessly as he shut his car door. “Put your seatbelt on. Kibum-hyung might kill me a little less if I keep you safe.”

Eli pulled up outside the NH Media studio, where Kevin was eagerly waiting for Eli. When I also stepped out the car, Kevin’s face fell dramatically. He pointed at me, while sharing a concerned glare with Eli. “What’s she doing here? Hyung will flip his lid!”

“I really don’t care Kevin. She’s my friend, and I don’t have many friends, you know…”

“Your death wish, pal.”

Eli casually grabbed hold of my hand and dragged me into the building, Kevin following close behind with a sceptical look on his face. He pulled me through a series of narrow, pale blue corridors until we stopped outside a large dance studio. From outside, I could hear the loud thump of the music and the squeaking of trainers on laminate flooring. Once ‘Man Man Hani’ had stopped playing, Eli slowly opened the door and guided me inside.

“Eli, Kevin, you finally came-What are you doing here?” Kibum’s voice rose to maximum volume once I came into view. I stayed silent and tugged onto Eli’s arm, cowering behind the muscular rapper. “Yah! I asked you a question!”

“Hyung, it was my idea,” Eli admitted shyly. “Don’t take it out on her.”

“What are you playing at Eli? Stay away from my dongsaeng!”

“Oppa,” I called timidly. “I want Eli-oppa to be my friend. Please let him be my friend.”

“You’ve got plenty of other friends, you don’t need him!”

I ran out of the studio, crying because of Kibum’s thoughtlessness. He had always been the one to comfort me when my friendship offers had been rejected by so many of my classmates throughout primary school and when I started secondary school. I found a nearby bathroom and locked myself in one of the stalls. Seconds later, the bathroom door creaked open.

“Dongsaeng,” Kibum called. “Hey precious Bommie-dongsaeng, I’m sorry. I’m a bad, heartless oppa. Can you forgive me?”

I slowly unlocked the cubicle and shakily stepped out. Kibum ran across to meet me just in time, allowing me to collapse in his arms.

---캄---

“Hyung, is she okay?” I heard someone ask. I didn’t quite have the strength to open my eyes to see who, though.

“She’ll be fine Dongho. It’s just this condition she has. She’s had this tendency to pass out since she was little. It happens when she is physically, emotionally or mentally strained.”

I opened my eyes and slowly took in my surroundings. I was back in the practice room, my reflection staring at me a dozen times from the mirrors that lined the far wall. All the lights were on, illuminating the white room immensely and shining off the wooden floor. The soft surface below me though, told me that I wasn’t lying on said floor. Instead I was settled on a piled of blue gym mats.

“Bom-Bom? You okay now?” I nodded my head as I sat up groggily. “Good. Maybe we should take you home. Do you want me to carry you to the car?”

“Ani, I can walk just fine.” To prove my point, I stood up and walked towards the door, dragging Kibum behind me. Once we were all settled in the U-Kiss van, (I was sat between Kibum and Eli, much to Kibum’s disapproval) Soohyun started to drive towards Kibum’s house. “Oppa, my house is in the other direction.”

“I already called Aunt Chohee; she says you can stay over this week. She’s bringing some stuff over later. There’s a lot of your stuff in my room, and even in Hyungjun-hyung’s room, anyway!”

“Oh, okay.” We sat in silence for a while, before a burning question entered my mind. “So oppa, can I be friends with Eli-oppa?”

He smiled at me lightly. “Sure on one condition.” I nodded my head, waiting for him to proceed. “You have to be friends with Kevin too. I know he wants to be your friend.”

Kevin blushed slightly and hid behind Dongho’s shoulder. “Of course I’ll be Kevin-oppa’s friend! I want as many friends as possible!”

---캄---

While I was staying with Kibum, the whole of U-Kiss kept visiting, which was apparently quite a rarity. I would play on my PSP with Eli and Kevin, while the others would chat to Kibum and if he was around, Hyungjun. On the Saturday before I had to go back home again, they all came round, proposing the idea of going to the beach. I happily agreed and snatched one of my swimsuits that had gotten mixed in with Kibum’s clothes once when we went to the pool together. His mother had kindly held onto it for me, seeing as I was always leaving my stuff at their house.

I was sat between Eli and Kevin on the back seat of the U-Kiss van while we were on our way there, but it wasn’t too long into the journey when I fell asleep on Eli’s shoulder. The next thing I knew was I was being rudely shaken awake by a stern-looking Kibum.

“We’re here,” he seethed. I hunched back slightly under his gaze, while Eli laughed quietly. “It’s not funny Eli; get out, the pair of you!”

We quickly complied with Kibum’s request and ran towards the sand. Unfortunately, it was still rather cold, so I had to pull my jumper out of my bag. Everyone was laughing at me as I fell behind from the group.

“Just because we’re going to the beach, doesn’t mean it’s going to be that warm…” Kiseop commented.

We spent hours on the sand, playing games, chasing each other around and daring Kevin to go in the water. He actually did go up to his knees in it, before we had to stop him in case he got sick. He spent the next two hours shivering under a blanket. I rubbed his arms and back, trying to warm him up, while everyone else for being so submissive. Eli kept stealing glances at me, and he looked hurt every time I touched Kevin. Once the young singer had assured me he was okay, I sat beside Eli, a little way away from the rest of the group.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he muttered sourly.

“Don’t lie. You look like someone just stole your Action Man. What’s bothering you?”

“I don’t like how close you are with Kevin,” he murmured. I barely heard it the first time, so I had to ask him to repeat. “The way you touch him like that, it’s too friendly. I don’t like it.”

“What’s it got to do with you how I touch people? I was just trying to help Kevin out. Geez, why are you so bitter?”

“I want you to be like that with me. I like you.”

I stared at him disbelief. “I-I like you t-too, but I’ve only just met you.”

“So?” Eli’s voice rose with confidence, startling me slightly. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you… I don’t care if we’ve known each other a grand total of nine days… I really like you and I think we’re meant to be together.”

“You believe in fate too?” I asked absentmindedly. I started playing with some of the thin granules of sand by my feet, letting it pour out of my hand and be carried off with the wind.

“To a certain extent, yes I do. I think we’re each other’s fate. Do you feel it too?”

“I don’t know, Eli-” He abruptly silenced me by placing his lips on mine. Then I realised what it was he was talking about. That spark. The spark that told me how right this felt. His lips left mine, almost as soon as they were placed on them. “I think, that maybe, just maybe, you’re right.” He smiled widely and pulled me against him, so my head was leaning on his shoulder. The last hour we spent on the beach, I stayed in this position, and we chatted absentmindedly, trying to get to know each other better. I learnt that Eli’s favourite colour is purple; his favourite foods are steak, cheeseburgers, spicy foods, cheeses and dragonfruit, and that he is also very insecure about his voice. He said he wanted to sing like Kevin and Soohyun, so I had to tell him his voice is perfect the way it is.

“Guys,” Soohyun caught our attention as he strode towards us. “We should get back. Eli, can I have a word?”

I started to walk back to the van on my own, thinking about what had just been exchanged between Eli and I. Kevin suddenly appeared by my side, making me jump in the air.

“Geez, Kevin-oppa! Don’t scare me like that! You’ll give me a heart attack.”

“Sorry… I saw you and Eli earlier. He kissed you.”

I sent Kevin a pleading look. “Please, don’t tell Kibum-oppa! He might kill me…and Eli!”

Kevin sent me an affectionate smile. “I won’t tell. But I can take an educated guess that Soohyun-hyung saw it too.” As he spoke, Soohyun and Eli caught up with us, the latter looking like someone who had just burst his bubble.

“Hey, is everything okay?” I whispered to Eli. He just nodded his head and walked with us in silence. On the bus, I sat at the back, once again between Eli and Kevin. Kibum was sitting next to Kiseop, in front of Eli and Soohyun and Dongho were sat opposite them. Xander was in the driver’s seat this time. Kevin entertained me for a little while with cute jokes, but in the end, I leant against his shoulder and fell asleep.

---캄---

“Hyung, I’ll carry her inside. I honestly don’t mind,” someone spoke nearby. “You can go get her stuff from your mum’s. Kevin and I will look after her, I promise.”

A pair of arms wrapped themselves around my small frame. The chest that I automatically nuzzled against was warm and soft. I cracked my eyes open slightly to see that it was Eli who was holding me. “O-Oppa?”

“Go back to sleep.”

I quickly complied with his request and fell asleep in his arms. I woke up again what I assumed was a couple of hours later, except this time I was laying in a warm bed, underneath a lilac duvet. The walls were painted a similar colour with a wooden white border framing the laminate floor and the wall. There was a beech-coloured wardrobe at the end of the bed, with a floor-length mirror on one of the cupboard doors. In alcove to my left, there was a small desk with papers scattered across it, and a small TV mounted on the wall a few inches above it. Sat on the black swivel chair next to the desk, was the muscular figure of Eli. His head was bent down low over the screen of his blackberry. On the floor by his feet, Kevin was trying to watch the game Eli was playing.

“Yah, Eli let me see!” Kevin yelled in English.

“Kevin, shh! You’ll wake Bommie!” Eli, also in English, reprimanded him.

“Why do you call her Bommie? That’s not her name!”

“It’s a nickname Kibum came up with. It sort of stuck with me too. Apparently when she sings, she sounds like Park Bom…”

“Ooh, I wanna hear her sing now!” Kevin cheered quietly.

“I can hear you talking about me,” I announced in plain English.

“Waah! Did I wake you up, chingu-ah? I didn’t mean to!”

“No, you didn’t wake me Kevin. I was awake before you started talking, so don’t worry.”

Kevin jumped on the bed and hugged my waist. I tousled his hair lightly as he smiled contently. “That’s good. Chingu, do you like the nickname that Kibum gave you?” I nodded. “Then can I call you Bommie-chingu?”

“Sure Kevin.” I looked at Eli, who had taken his attention away from his phone and was watching me and Kevin. “So, where am I anyway?”

“This is my room. We’re at the U-Kiss dorm, where Kibum usually lives.”

“Ah, that explains a lot then.” I caught Eli glancing at me, so I turned my attention on him. “Oppa, did you mean everything you said earlier?”

“Of course. I never say anything I don’t mean.”

“Do you think we can work though? I mean with the fans and your schedules and everything?”

“That’s what Soohyun was talking to me about earlier. He doesn’t think it will work and to a certain extent, he’s probably right.” I felt my world crashing around me as he said those words. “But I’m willing to try if you are. It will mean you’re kind of like a secret girlfriend.”

My heart was reignited as he showed me a dazzling smile. “Yes, I’m willing to try. What you said before was right. I think we are meant to be with each other.”

“Do you have to do this in front of me?” Kevin whined. “If I wanted a soppy romance, I would’ve gone to the cinema!”

“Sorry Kev. I shall refrain from gooey lovey-dovey moments!”

“You better, ‘cause I just heard the front door open. Kibum’s home.”

“Let’s go to sleep then,” I said as I laid down, with Kevin next to me. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Eli smirk at me one last time, before I shut my eyes, trying to fall asleep.

---캄---

I often went round the U-Kiss dorm for sleepovers, or just to spend some time with Eli. Kibum was none too pleased when he found out that Eli and I were a couple. He threatened to lock me in a cupboard, so that Eli, nor anybody else, could ever so much as look at me again. Of course, he was just overreacting.

I had become good friends with all of the members of U-Kiss, except Dongho, who wasn’t interested in anything outside his little bubble. Soohyun was a lot like a mother, and I would always help him out with the cooking whenever I visited. Xander was a goofy big brother who always bought me sweets and presents. When I wanted advice, I knew I could turn to Kiseop, and when I wanted to play a prank on the other members, I could count on Kibum.

However, after six months, everything went completely wrong. The paparazzi had caught me and Eli together on dates out to the park and eating dinner together in a fancy restaurant. Once the pictures were published, I had a stream of U-Kiss fans at my house, trying to ambush me. I couldn’t leave my house at all, for fear of being attacked. During the days that I was confined to my house, Eli called me everyday.

“I’ll clear this up, I promise,” he always told me. He kept promising that he’d smooth everything out. But he failed to carry out that promise.

Three weeks after we had been discovered, he called me yet again. I had spent the day watching soppy romance movies, and cried more than I paid attention to the films.

“Hey, can we talk?” He started with a greeting that was far from normal.

“Eli, is something wrong? You sound a little off.”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t think we can continue this.” Somewhere inside me, I felt something break into millions of tiny pieces.

“What do you mean?”

“It isn’t safe for you or practical for the band for us to be together. I love you, really I do and someday, I’ll show that love for you again. But for now, I think we need to stay away from each other.”

“I-I understand,” I sobbed down the phone as I hung up on him. I grabbed fistfuls of my bed sheet and buried my face in my pillow, as I screamed at the top of my lungs.

Weeks passed with me crying, screaming and wailing, curled up in my bed. I refused to eat or come out of my bed. I refused to answer the phone when Kevin or Soohyun called. It wasn’t until I became so ill that I lost days at a time from passing out, that I finally moved.

On the day that I finally staggered downstairs to beg my mum for some food, Kibum, Kevin, Soohyun and Kiseop were all sat in the living room as my mum was serving them tea. My mum set everything down and ran over to me.

“Sweetheart, you look terrible.” She pulled me onto the sofa next to Kibum and passed me a glass of water. “At least you’re out of your room at last. I’ll get you some food. You haven’t eaten for ages, how can you still be alive?”

Kibum wrapped his arms around me as my mum busied herself in the kitchen. He cradled me gently against his chest. “Oh baby dongsaeng, why didn’t you listen to me?”

“I-I love him, oppa…” I mumbled quietly. “I l-love him.”

“He loves you too,” Kevin whispered.

“Then why? Why? Why, why, why?”

“Shh, baby, shh,” Kibum comforted me. He cupped one hand across my forehead and pressed his lips against my temple. “You’re getting yourself worked up. You’ll make yourself seriously ill.”

“I just want Eli.”

“I know you do, and he said he’ll come back for you eventually. Once he’s settled down a bit more, he’ll come get you. So, maybe you just have to wait a little longer.”

So I waited, just as Kibum had asked, and to this day I’m still waiting. Ten years since I first fell in love with him.