“Death is not the greatest loss in life.

The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.”

[Kwangmin’s POV]

It had been seven days since I left the world of mortals and somehow, I found myself ended up here, in a place called ‘heaven’. When I first entered heaven, I must admit that I was a bit taken aback, finding that things weren’t precisely the same as what I imagined they would be. Before, I always thought that heaven was an indefinite realm occupied by God, angels, and other died people that consisted of a large building made from gold and jewels, beautiful garden filled with colorful flowers, and a crystal-clear lake. Everyone would be wearing the same kind of white clothes and have wings on their backs and some would even have halos floating above their heads.

It seemed like I was wrong. Heaven turned out to be a so much more fun place. You could have whatever you wanted here; you just simply have to wish for it.

There was a large empty field that some guys around my age used to play soccer. Next to the soccer field was a swimming pool where girls hang out at; some were busy splashing water to each other while some simply sat on the barstool in the middle of pool, enjoying piña colada and chattering about random stuffs. At the other end, you could see a big modern building with chic architecture that resembled a department store with people coming in and out of it. Everything seemed so normal here, almost no different from earth, just quieter and more peaceful.

On the first day, I wished to have a nice place to live in and it came true. A small condo that faced the beach, just like the one I always saw on TV. I had always wanted to live in a place like this and it amazed me how my wish came true so easily here in heaven. Later, I realized that the soccer field, the swimming pool and the department store and all the people I saw at first were all in their own version of heaven. The good thing about this place was that you could have your own territory—cross it—your own heaven. Sometimes you could bump into other people as you share the same wish of a certain place or thing. As your relationship with others grew, your heaven expanded. But for some reasons, I liked to keep mine small and secluded.

I met a few people around my age and even though they had different personalities, they were all nice. I guess they wouldn’t end up here if they weren’t. But I didn’t talk much with them and watched as they slowly disappeared into another part of heaven, which was their own version that we didn’t share. So most of the time, I were alone.

On day two, I craved for more entertainments and began filling my room with various Pokemon stuffs. We didn’t get hungry nor tired here. It was as if we were freed from all those human needs such as meal, sleep, or even peeing. I could stay up as long as I wanted and do everything I wished to do—watching movies, playing soccer with other boys, sunbathing, even having my own concert. I had always wanted to try to drive a Ferrari and I did it here. There was a cool gadget I had been keeping an eye on in a store back in the world of the living and I got one for myself here, without spending a single penny. Come to think of it, it was a pity how people tended to avoid deaths while death, in fact, was only a way to reach such an amazing place like the one I lived in now.

However, that excitement didn’t last long. On day three, I started to get bored of everything I had here and couldn’t deny that I was feeling kind of… lonely. I hated to voice out the word since that was how I always felt when I was still alive. I thought that after I died, I would no longer experience those horrible feelings such as pain or loneliness, but apparently I did. Heaven wasn’t such a perfect place, after all. I still felt lonely here in heaven.

“Do you know why your heaven is so boring?” asked the angel when he paid me a visit one time.

“Why?” Instead of answering, I asked him back.

He sighed and sat next to me who was cuddling my Pikachu doll on the couch inside my large living room. “That’s simply because you didn’t wish for anything.”

“I did,” I defended myself. “Or else, you won’t be sitting on my couch now.”

Angel sighed again. “You haven’t asked much enough. Ask for more!”

“What should I ask for?” I wondered. I felt like I already had everything that I needed.

He shrugged. “I don’t know, it’s your freedom to choose anything that you want. But most souls here ask for what they couldn’t have back there on earth.”

I bit my lower lip. To be honest, I knew exactly what I wanted the most. My heaven wasn’t complete because Youngmin wasn’t here with me. “Can I ask for something that I had back when I was alive?”

Angel frowned and gave me a confused look. “Then why did you leave it in the first place?”

I opened my mouth to say something in reply, but no words came out. “…Can I?” I asked him again.

“No.” He shook his head firmly. “I should tell you this: there are two things that you can’t have just by simply wishing for it; they are for you to live again and for the living souls to die. They are totally out of your hand.”

“I see…” I pouted and turned my gaze to the beautiful beach view outside of the tall glass window.

“However, you can always watch over the livings,” Angel told me. “Of course, you can’t make any contact with them since you’re practically are living in different worlds now. But it really helps when you miss someone too much.”

I did as told. I looked down to scan the whole earth where my family and friends lived in. It wasn’t hard for me to locate their whereabouts since we had some kind of emotional bond or something like that, as described by the angel. My eyes soon fixed themselves on a familiar hospital building, all the way through to the certain room where my brother was.

And there he was—lying on the same bed he had been occupied for the past a year and a half with various medical equipments attached to his still weak body. His fragile form itself created such an unbearable sight for me, but no, I couldn’t turn my gaze away. I needed to know how he was doing after I left.

[Hyunseong’s POV]

It had been a week since Kwangmin left us. His funeral was held three days ago, unbeknownst to Youngmin. All of us, including his parents, still couldn’t find the guts to tell him what happened to his twin brother. I couldn’t imagine how he would react to the heartbreaking news of his brother committing suicide on the day he woke up from coma. Seriously, it was all too much. So instead, we told him a cruel lie that Kwangmin died in a car accident six months ago. That didn’t sound any better, but we found the lie at least somewhat more acceptable.

I thought that Youngmin would break down to the news. Just imagine you wake up after being in a long coma and find out that your beloved one is no longer here! But he seemed to accept it better that everyone thought he would, much to my surprise. Of course, he couldn’t stop crying for the first few days. But after day four, the blonde calmed down eventually. He had stopped mentioning Kwangmin’s name and started to speak more with us. He even received his treatment well and behaved like a good patient. We were all a bit stunned but glad to see him smile again.

“I told her that wearing clothes that show off her cleavage wouldn’t help since I’m not interested in women. She got angry and slapped me on the face, right in front of my friends!”

“Hahahaha… I can’t believe she did that to you, Hyung!” Youngmin cracked up to my story and I laughed along with him.

He laughed a lot lately and it relieved me to see how strong Youngmin actually was. I knew it wasn’t easy for him to suffer from the loss of his once group mate and twin brother in such a young age, but the blonde was tougher than what he seemed from outside.

I glanced at the clock on the wall and realized that it was about time for me to go to the studio. “I have to go now, Youngmin. I’ll visit again tomorrow! Don’t worry, Jeongmin will be here to accompany you soon,” I said as I ruffled his hair.

“Don’t worry, I’m okay being alone,” he said while smiling his usual charming smile that could put anyone at ease, as to ensure me. “Good luck with the recording, Hyung! I’m sure that your new song will be a hit.”

“Thank you, Youngmin!” I gave him a friendly hug before leaving the room.

I closed the door of his room and turned around, only to find Donghyun Hyung standing by the hallway; his back leaning against the wall next to the door. “Hyung?” I gave him a questioning look, not expecting his presence at all. “What are you doing here? Why don’t you come inside instead?”

Donghyun Hyung let out a deep, frustrated sigh and shook his head. “No, I can’t…”

My eyebrows creased into a frown. “Why?”

“I can’t do this anymore, Hyunseong. It’s hard to keep lying to Youngmin,” he muttered in a low voice. I didn’t know why but the former leader looked really depressed, as though something had been bothering him greatly.

“I know, Hyung… None of us want to lie to the poor boy. But what else can we do? We can’t possibly tell him the truth regarding Kwangmin’s death; it will break his heart even more.” I reached out one hand to his arm gently. “Don’t worry, Hyung! Youngmin looks so much better now. The doctor said that he’s recovering quickly. He also laughed at my jokes just now. Isn’t that great?”

Donghyun Hyung shook his head again in disagreement. I wondered why… “You don’t understand, Hyunseong,” he finally spoke. “The look in Youngmin’s eyes… They are the eyes of someone who no longer wishes to live.” I could see the older man’s body trembling lightly as the words escaped his mouth.

“What?” My eyes widened at his surprising statement. “H-how do you know, Hyung?”

Donghyun Hyung sighed deeply, as if he was really tired and sick of how clueless I was. “I know, Hyunseong! I know for sure…” he paused for a moment. “I know for sure, because that’s how Kwangmin looks like before he committed suicide.”

I could feel hairs at the back of my neck standing in response of his words. Donghyun Hyung sounded so confident that it slowly began to scare me as well. He then carried on, “It’s true, Hyunseong. He sounded fine and cheerful and made everyone believe that everything’s okay, but that’s just his trick so that we won’t get suspicious of him doing anything stupid, just like the calm before the storm…”

I shook my head in order to shrug off all the negative thoughts that invaded my head one by one. “No, Hyung. I’m sure that Youngmin knows better than to do something reckless like that! I-I believe in him,” I said inwardly. But my words also didn’t sound so convincing to me.

Donghyun Hyung closed his eyes and breathed out, “Yeah, I hope so…”

[Youngmin’s POV]

I was flipping magazine pages in an uninterested manner when I heard a knock on the door. “Come in!” I said.

The door slide open and a familiar figure entered the room. I smiled when my eyes met Jeongmin’s. The curly-haired boy walked across the room and sat on the chair next to my bed. He was still wearing his uniform and carrying his school bag.

“How do you feel today, Youngmin?” he asked rather cautiously.

“Fine. I feel so much better than yesterday,” I exclaimed cheerily. Jeongmin nodded but he said nothing. There reigned a silence between us.

“Jeongmin, what’s wrong? You don’t look well,” I said, noticing the dark circles under his eyes as if he had been staying up all night long.

“Nothing. I’m fine,” he replied shortly, refusing to meet my gaze.

“Really?” I asked again to make sure. I didn’t believe his words at all. The look on his face told me the opposite thing, that there was definitely something wrong going on.

Jeongmin looked troubled; it seemed like he was contemplating between speaking up or not. But he chose the first option. “…Youngmin, are you really fine?” he asked me again, this time sounded more serious.

“Huh? Sure… Why wouldn’t I?”

Jeongmin bit his bottom lip. “No, I-I was just wondering if there’s anything I could do for you… I know it must be hard for you to wake up after such a long coma and found out that… that Kwangmin’s no longer here with us.”

My heart clenched painfully inside my chest at the mention of his name, but I decided to fake a smile. “Don’t worry, I’m fine... Or even if I’m not, I will be fine in no time. It’ll definitely take some time for me to accept this all, but I won’t get to dwell on it for too long. I’ll be okay eventually!”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. Why?” I questioned him back, confused at the way he was behaving. The normal Jeongmin was always loud and lively, not gloomy and secretive like this. Or did I miss the change since I had been in a coma for more than a year? I guess I’d never know.

Out of the blue, Jeongmin began sobbing, much to my surprise. I got panic and wrapped my arms around him out of reflex, trying to soothe the shorter boy. “Jeongmin, why are you crying?”

“P-please, Youngmin… Don’t leave me!” he said between his sobs. For a second, I was taken aback by his unexpected request. “I’ve lost too much; I don’t want to lose anymore! First Minwoo… And then Kwangmin… If you also leave us, I don’t know what to do anymore!”

It took me a while to fully understand his words before pulling him into a comforting hug. “What are you saying, Jeongmin? I’m not going anywhere… I won’t leave you guys, so you should stop thinking too much!”

Jeongmin lifted his head to meet my eyes; his own were filled with tears. “Really? You promise, Youngmin?”

I nodded in reply. “I promise,” I said reassuringly while smiling softly at him. “But why do you think that I’m going to leave you?”

The curly-haired boy seemed to calm down a little by now. He pulled away from my embrace and wiped away his tears; face slightly flushed from embarrassment. “…I-I don’t know,” he admitted. “I’ve just got a feeling that you’re leaving, and I’m scared as hell!”

I let out a low chuckle and pinched his cheek playfully. “Aigoo… You’re so silly, Jeongmin!”

Jeongmin’s face reddened at my words and he slapped my hand away. “Stop teasing me, Youngmin!” he pouted like an annoyed kid.

I couldn’t stop laughing at his childishness as I let him hit me with pillow. Soon, both of us burst into laughter. I didn’t know where that thought of his came from, but we decided to forget about it and changed the topic to the lighter ones. Jeongmin stayed until really late and we kept chatting about random stuffs until I felt tired and fell asleep eventually.

~~~

I was awake from my restless slumber and glanced over the digital clock on the nightstand, only to find out that it was still 3.30 in the morning. Lately I had been having hard times to sleep soundly and found myself waking up at random times. I knew what had been the cause of it: the pain that kept creeping through my whole being while I was sleeping. I deliberated on calling the nurse and ask them to give me something against the pain, but later realized that it wasn’t my body but my heart that was aching badly.

Turning over on my back, I reached for the drawer and pulled out something from it. A photo frame that held my picture and Kwangmin. They said that Kwangmin was the one who put it there to accompany me. They told me that Kwangmin had always been by my side since the accident took place and patiently nursed me everyday. I would know even though they didn’t tell me. Knowing Kwangmin, I was sure that he would do that. I just felt sorry for him for not waking up any sooner. I kept him waiting for so long, but he was gone even before he had the chance to see me open my eyes.

Gently running my fingers over the glassy surface, I smiled sadly at Kwangmin’s smiling face in the picture. Deep inside my heart, something was breaking apart. I missed his soft, brown locks that looked contrast against my blonde hair. I missed feeling his smooth, milky skin under my touch. I missed brushing my nose against his sharp one. I missed to see those big, lustrous orbs blink cutely as he spoke. I missed how the corner of his lips would curl up into a shy smile every time I told him ‘I love you’. I miss the sweet, addictive scent of his body. I simply missed everything about him.

“Kwangmin…” I whispered softly as a tear slipped past my defense and fell down, wetting the frame I was holding. “I miss you… I miss you so much! Why did you leave me alone in this world? You said that we would fly together… We’ve promised, right? Now that you’re no longer here, how am I supposed to live on? I’m too weak to fly alone… I need you, Kwangmin.”

And with that, I broke down. It was a good thing that no one was here with me now, so I could cry as much as I wanted. I had always tried to look strong in front of everyone, but nothing could compare to the pain that I felt right now.

The pain wasn’t like anything I’ve experienced before. It was like being stabbed by a knife right on your heart. The knife was taken away while you were pretending that everything was okay, that you were fine and would survive eventually. But every time the realization that Kwangmin wasn’t here anymore struck, the knife was pierced back right to the places that were injured, over and over again until it lost its shape.   

Holding the photo frame close to my chest, I cried my heart out for the loss of my twin brother… My lover… My other half… My breath… My soul…

My life.

[3^rd Person’s POV]

It was Sunday, so everyone gathered in the hospital to keep Youngmin company. The blonde was happy because yesterday the doctor told him that he might be released from the hospital in a few days if he kept showing good progress in his recovery.

“What’s the first thing that you want to do once you arrive at home?” asked his mother.

“Umm, I don’t know… Maybe I’ll just lie down on my bed since I miss my bedroom so much! I also miss Umma’s tasty ddeokbokki! The meal they serve here is bland,” the blonde exclaimed.

“Shush! You shouldn’t say that out loud, Youngmin,” Hyunseong warned him. “What if they hear you?”

“Let them be! I mainly want them to hear me so that they can change the menu!”

His mother couldn’t help but giggling. “Okay, I’ll make a large portion of ddeokbokki for you once you get home!”

“Really? Whoa, you’re the best, Umma! I love you…” Youngmin said cutely before hugging his mother tightly, not caring about his friends’ presence in the very same room. He didn’t know why, but since this morning he had been having the need to show his affection for his parents.

Jeongmin chuckled at Youngmin’s childish behavior. “Hey, Youngmin… Don’t you miss school?” he asked the blonde.

“Sure,” replied Youngmin. “But I’ve missed school for too long… There are a lot to catch up on. I don’t even know where to start.” He sounded worried.

“Relax, Youngmin! You’ve got the smartass, Lee Jeongmin, as your friend… I’ll help you, so there’s nothing to worry about!” Jeongmin started to brag.

“That’s what worries me the most, Jeongmin… You used to fail every lesson back when we were in the first grade. I doubt that you’ve changed that much while I was in coma!” Youngmin retorted, causing the whole room to crack up.

A faint blush spread across Jeongmin’s cheeks. “You’re so mean, Youngmin! I just want to help…” he sulked.

The blonde laughed. “I know, Jeongmin! Thank you.” He turned to face Donghyun and Hyunseong as well. “Donghyun Hyung, Hyunseong Hyung, thank you… for everything,” he sincerely said.

“What for? We didn’t do anything for you,” said the oldest among those four.

“I just want to thank you,” Youngmin smiled—a genuine and gentle smile that, somehow, sent the shiver down Donghyun’s spine.

The blonde suddenly got up from his bed. “Youngmin, where are you going?” asked his father.

“I just want to use the toilet, Appa,” said Youngmin.

They watched Youngmin’s limp steps as he slowly made his way to the restroom. But before he reached the door, Youngmin suddenly felt a painful attack all over his body. Everyone gasped; their eyes widened in shock as Youngmin collapsed to the floor. The blonde was clutching on his stomach and his face scrunched up in pure pain.

“Youngmin!” His mother cried hysterically before approaching the wriggling body on the floor. “Youngmin, what’s wrong?!”

His father quickly pressed the emergency button next to the patient’s bed to call the doctor. In less than a minute, everyone was already surrounding the blonde, calling out his name in panic and horror. Tears already filled the rim of Jeongmin’s eyes as he watched his fear came true.

“Youngmin!”

“Youngmin, open your eyes!”

“What’s wrong, Youngmin? Where does it hurt?”

“Please hold on, the doctor is on his way!”

“Youngmin, hold on!”

The blonde could hear so many voices around him—the voices of the people he loved—slowly fading away in the background. He reached out his hand with all the remaining strength he had and felt someone took it, but he didn’t know who. Youngmin smiled for the last time in attempt to let everyone know that he was alright, that he knew his time had come and there was nothing they could do to change it. And he was more than ready to welcome death, knowing that it was just a process he must go through before reaching a place where he would be reunited with his beloved one. Kwangmin.

The doctor came in less than five minutes and they placed Youngmin’s nonmoving body on the bed. He made some emergency attempts to save the life of the blonde, but as stated before, once death came, there was no way to escape from it. Life and death were two things that were beyond human’s power to control; they had always been God’s decision.

“I’m sorry to inform you this, Mr. Jo… But your son has passed away. I’m sorry we couldn’t save him,” the doctor said apologetically, regret was apparent in his voice.

“What do you mean, Doctor?! He had just woken up a few days ago and you said that he was showing good progress… Why did this suddenly happen to him?” Unable to accept the cruel reality, Youngmin’s father shouted at the doctor’s face while gripping his collar tightly.

“He died of a major artery bursting… It had always been a ticking bomb after the injuries he suffered from the accident. Once again, we’re truly sorry.”

No other words were spoken for a while. The room was filled with only painful cries, ear-piercing shrieks, moans of grief and silent sobs because another boy they loved was missing from this world.

[Kwangmin’s POV]

I couldn’t stand the view of what was happening back down on earth. Did they also mourn like that when they found out that I was dead? It was truly heartbreaking to see my mother, my father, and the rest of my former group mates cried over him. They must have suffered a lot when I died just a short time ago, but they already had to face the cruel reality that my twin, too, was leaving them.

I decided not to look at it anymore and turned my back. I was stunned and rooted to the spot at what I discovered before my eyes: Youngmin.

“Kwangmin…” I shivered as my name rolled off his tongue. That deep, velvety voice that I hadn’t heard in years.

I refused to believe what I saw. It might be just a hallucination that came out as a result of my wish to have him here with me. I braced myself for whatever may came if I touched him as I took a step forward, slowly approaching him. But each step I took only proved that the stunning figure before my eyes was definitely too real to be a mere delusion. I rubbed my eyes a few times just to make sure that it was real, that he was real.

I observed the figure in front of me from head to toe, back to the head again. Those beautiful golden locks that framed his handsome face… Those huge, doe-like eyes… Those long, thick eyelashes… That perfectly sculptured nose… That plump, red lips that looked so kissable… That breathtaking smile that only belonged to my twin… Was it really Youngmin that I was facing right now? I must be blind this whole time for not realizing how strikingly gorgeous he was. Or probably it had always been his pale face that I remembered as the last memory I had of him before I died.

But now he was here. This perfect being whose beauty even I couldn’t compare to was right here before my eyes.

“Why, Kwangmin? Aren’t you happy to see me? I missed you so much, you know,” he said before chuckling lightly—oh, how I loved how he sounded when he did so!

A wave of pure happiness that I had never felt before washed over me as I ran towards the blonde and hugged him tightly. It was amazing to feel the heat of his skin against mine and I inhaled his scent deeply, feeling my lungs with only Youngmin Hyung. “You’re here, Hyung… You’re finally here!” Tears kept flowing down on my cheek as I refused to loosen my embrace, too happy to have him in my arms again.

“Yeah, I’m here,” he replied softly before planting feather-like kisses all over my face. “I’m sorry to keep you waiting.”

“No problem,” I said. “What matters is that you’re here now. I’ve been waiting for so long to see you again! You have no idea how much I miss you, Hyung…”

Youngmin Hyung smiled before pecking my lips gently. He pulled away and took my hand, intertwining his fingers with mine, before leaning back to press our foreheads together. “I love you so much, Kwangmin,” he confessed.

I giggled and replied almost immediately, “I love you, too, Hyung! My heaven is complete, now that you’re here with me. Nothing’s going to part us again.”

“Agreed,” he said as we walked through the sparkling sand, hand-in-hand, heading to the waiting vast, blue sea.

Our new love story had just begun, here in our very own sacred sanctuary.

Finally!