Remember when we first met ?

 

You were wearing a simple white shirt, an old jeans, and your hair was messy. But still, you were the most beautiful view I’ve ever seen in my entire life.

I couldn’t even look away for a second.

Your black raven hair, your brown eyes that was hypnotizing , your plump lips, your milky porcelain pale skin. You were mesmerizing, you were perfect.

I couldn’t think of anything else but to come up to you and say hi.

And as soon as I did that , you smiled.

And I fell in love.

 

At that moment, I knew that you’re the one that I’ve been looking for, the one for me.

But at that same moment , I felt uneasy. I got the feeling that somehow I’m going to lose you .

And I ignored that , I ignored my gut’s feeling , as I made the efforts to know you better. You were surprisingly very kind to a stranger, or perhaps it was because I was a very good looking one ? ㅋㅋㅋJust kidding … or not.

 

I asked for your name and you gave it to me.

 

Jaejoong. Kim Jaejoong.

 

The name I will forever hold in my heart.

 

 

 

 

As time goes by , we grew closer , we became friends.

We met again a few times after that , before I built up the courage to finally asked you out.

 

When you said ‘yes’, I was speechless. I couldn’t think of any word that could express my happiness at that time. I knew I was smiling ear to ear , which made you laugh.

Oh , that laugh , that was like music in my ear. I would never forget the way you laugh, I love every bit of it,  including your habit of covering your laugh with your hand.

 

As we dated , I fell for you even more. You , with your caring acts , your sweet smile , your-seriously tempting and kissable-pout, your full efforts in doing everything. You became a very big part of my life. I couldn’t go a day without hearing your voice or seeing you. I became addicted to you.

 

I would always remember that night when I tell you that I love you. You froze and suddenly cried. I panicked , because I thought that I did something wrong. Then you held my face and kissed me . Oh , that kiss , that velvet lips that tasted like heaven. And then you said the magic words that made me fly to the seventh sky : “I love you too!”

 

After 8 months of dating , I realize that you had gone from being a very big part of my life , to my everything. Yes, you were my everything . And you still are , Joongie.

I decided to take the next big step , remember what it was ? Yes , I asked you to live together with me. You were surprised yet you couldn’t hide your smile. You then hugged me oh-so-tightly , a hug which I wished could last forever.

 

Living with you was the best moment in my entire life, being with you was a gift from heaven. You were my heaven.

Yes, we did fought a lot as a couple , but at the end of the day we always made up and sleep in each other’s arm. We forgave each other and you always told me how I meant everything to you, how much you loved me. I couldn’t help but smile everytime you said those sweet words. They were my lullaby, they were heavenly. YOU were heavenly.

 

But after our first year together , I began to notice some changes in you. You started to look paler than usual , and you were easily exhausted. I was worried , but you shook it off everytime I asked you , and you always said that you over-worked. I knew how much you loved your work as a chef , and so I believed you. “Please don’t overwork yourself, I’m worried about your health.” I said. You replied by hugging me , mouthed a ‘I know’ , and thanked me for caring. And as usual , the word “I love you” coming from my boojae , made me forget about that problem.

 

After living together for 1 year and 7 months , I was ready to pop the question. That night , I brought you out to dinner at the most expensive place in town. I remember you pouting , saying that I should have asked you to cook for us instead rather than wasting money at a place like that. I knew that your cooking was better , but it was a part of that planned night. I apologized to you and I said that I just want to take you out to dinner once in a while. You were still pouting , but you replied with a ‘kay’ which made you looked like a cute and adorable kid.

 

Then , I took you to the hill when we first met. You were dazzled by the city’s view at night yet I was dazzled by you , how you looked under the moonlight. Even after more than 2 years of living together , you never failed to stun me with your never-ending beauty.

 

I hold your hands and looked into your beautiful eyes, and I got down on one knee. You seemed to knew where it were going to lead as your eyes grew bigger and you – as usual – tried to cover your now gasping mouth.

 

“Kim Jaejoong..” I took a breath,” Will you marry me?”

 

And you cried , again. While my heart was still beating so fast, I hugged you to calm you down. Then I whispered to your ear,” is that a no ?”

 

The next sentence from your mouth is a sentence that I would never forget my whole life :” This is tears of happiness , . And this is a yes.”

 

And then it was my turn to froze. My eyes grew bigger , and I thought that I was hallucinating. I grabbed your arm and asked you, ”It’s a yes?”

You nodded shyly.

“IT’S A YES!!” I shouted happily and quite loudly that you covered your ears while laughing. I then picked you up and spin you around. At that moment, I felt like the happiest person on earth. Heck , I was the happiest person on earth .. no , the entire galaxy! Yes , I know it sounds exaggerated , but that is how I felt.

 

We spend the rest of the night holding each other , ignoring everything as we feel like there’s only the two of us in this world.

 

 

 

 

We were in love , yes , so deeply in love that we were at the point where all we needed was each other. But even then , you grew even paler than before. You couldn’t sleep well , you got fevers, with those heavy headaches that was hurting you like crazy , you couldn’t even go out anymore because you got no energy left in you. Your drastic weight loss and your clumsiness, your uncontrollable cough , your endless vomit got me concerned as hell.

 

I was worried sick , as the feeling I got when I first met you came back. I was scared. You always smiled, told me that it was nothing. But I saw pain in your eyes, and you couldn’t hide your pain behind your warm smile. You just couldn’t.

 

You began to became one with the bed. I always told you to go to the hospital and get a check up, but you refused, you always did. You threw a tantrum everytime I asked you to go, saying how much you hate the hospital and how much you were scared of needles. I was defeated, and I seriously thought of giving up. But then something shocking happened.

 

You got seizure , then you fainted.

 

I knew you hated the hospital , but I didn’t give a damn bout that. All I cared about was you , and your health. When we got there you were rushed into the emergency room while I was left behind. All I want was to hold your hand, and see you. But they didn’t let me. I was scared.

 

After hours that feels like years, a doctor came to me. You know what he told me ? The truth. The truth that you had been hiding from me that whole time we were together.

 

“Mr. Kim has a brain tumor.”

 

After those words. My whole world stopped. I almost fainted myself , but I regained my strength and tried my best to listen to the doctor. But I couldn’t concentrate . My mind was just not there. That was until he said something else.

 

“Mr. Kim has been coming here since 6 months ago. Didn’t he tell you?”

 

And I froze. Many things running through my mind. I was broken , I was sad beyond anything else. And to tell you the truth , I was angry , so angry . Angry because I should have known , angry because you should have TOLD ME. I was seriously angry.

 

“How bad is it?” I managed to say.

 

“Perhaps .. a few months left.”

 

What? A few months left with you?

I couldn’t even imagine one day without seeing you and now he’s telling me that all we got is a few months?

 

“Can I see him now?”

 

“Yes , you can. He’s in room 508.”

 

I walked away as fast as I can , to see you. To see my baby.

And there you were. Sitting on the bed, looking as pale as ever.

You looked at my direction and yet you turned your head away to stare at the window.

 

And I snapped.

 

“Don’t you think I deserve to know the truth?” I started.

You didn’t answer.

 

“What the were you thinking ?! Not telling me all this?!”

You didn’t even moved an inch. And my anger kept rising up.

 

“What am I to you, huh?!! Am I just some guy you live with, that you didn’t even tell me about your condition ?!” No answer.

“What do you think you were doing!! Do you think that I would never found out about this?! I feel like a fool !! A fool for trusting everything you said !!” You still stared away.

 

“So I guess it was a lie , huh .. When you said that you love me? You never loved me , did you. It was a lie, IT WAS A LIE!” You didn’t even bother to look.

 

“LOOK AT ME!!” You didn’t.

 

I went closer to you and grabbed your chin. And then I saw it.

Your beautiful face, stained with tears.

You were crying the whole time.

 

“.. I’m .. I’m sorry..” You managed to say between your sobs. I was speechless , I regretted yelling to you even though I knew that you were wrong.

 

“I’m sorry for yelling. I’m sorry, Jae.” I whispered to your ears while hugging you.

You kept crying, wetting my shoulder.

 

“I love you, Yunho-ah. I really love you. I love you so much that I don’t wanna hurt you. I don’t want you to know about this..” you said after you managed to stop your tears.

 

“But I want to know , Jae. I have to know. You were being selfish by not telling me anything. Don’t you think I deserve to know the truth? I love you so much too , Jae. I want to be there for you, no matter what..” I hugged you again.

 

“I’m scared, Yunnie ..”

 

“Me too , Joongie. But we will get through this. Together. Okay?”

 

“Okay..” you smiled at me warmly as you usually did.

 

 

After we got the permission to go home , we did. You were excited to come home after being in the hospital for the whole week. When we got home , you hugged the couch , you hugged the TV, you hugged every plushies we got in the house, you hugged the bed , while mumbling something inaudible. I chuckled at the sight, thinking how cute you were.

 

Then you hugged me so tightly, and whispered something I was barely able to hear.

 

“Mine..” was the word.

 

And I cried. I just couldn’t imagine a life without my angel.

You looked up and wiped my tears, smiling so beautifully.

 

“Don’t cry , Yunho. I’m still here , right? I’m not going anywhere.” I smiled at your words, but I just couldn’t shake my feeling of losing you.

 

We spent our days in the house , sometimes we went for a little walk at the park. Sometimes we even meet our friends. Remember Yoochun, Junsu, and Changmin ? You loved them too, and they were always happy to see you, although you could see their worry in their eyes.

 

Yet my fear of losing you grew bigger everyday, as you were my life. You were my everything, Jae. Everything.

 

And my fear reached it’s peak when you fainted again. I directly brought you to the hospital that you dread so much , crying the whole way. You were once again rushed to emergency room , and this time it feels like centuries.

That same doctor came to me again.

 

“I’m sorry, Mr. Jung. But it seems that Mr.Kim’s condition is worse than we thought. Much worse.”

 

“.. How much time do we have left?”

 

“Weeks, or perhaps even days. We have to act today if we want to help him.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“We could always do a surgery. But with his condition, I’m afraid that the percentage of success is very small.”

 

“So .. he could .. die during the surgery?”

 

“I’m afraid so. And he will never able to recover 100% since the tumor were already spreading to his other nerves. So please , think this through.”

 

I nodded, thanked the guy , and went to your room. Room 508. The number that I would never be able to forget.

 

You were lying helplessly on the bed, looking as pale as a zombie. Your eyes were puffy due to the lack of sleep you got, you were so thin that I was even afraid to touch you.

 

You reached your hand towards me , asking me to come closer. And I did.

I reached your cheeks and caressed them. You smiled.

 

“Joongie.. Do you want to do the surgery?”

 

Silence filled the air.

 

“..No..” he finally said, after minutes of silence.

 

“Why? It could buy us more time together, Jae. Together. Don’t you want that?”

 

“I do want that , Yun! But don’t you understand? I can’t .. I can’t live like this Yun.. And I can’t see you keep hurting because of me..”

 

“Please,Jae.. Please.. Think about it once more.. For me..”

 

“I’m sorry , my love.. But I’ve made up my mind. I just hope that you are willing to support me and stay by my side, for whats left of my life..”

 

“I will, Jae, I will forever be on your side.. Forever.”

 

“Thankyou , Yunho..” you said , and I softly kissed your velvet lips. Even then, you still tastes heavenly.

 

But I didn’t give up just yet. I just couldn’t.

When Yoosu and Changmin came to visit, I asked them to talk to you.

But even our best friends, or your ‘soulmate’ Yoochun , couldn’t get you to do the surgery.

 

After they went home , you hold my face and cried. “I’m sorry.. I’m sorry..” you said.

 

“It’s okay , Jae.. Although I wished you would think about it, I will always support your decision , and I love you so much that I will always be here for you , no matter what happened.”

 

I hugged you , and we cried together till we fell asleep.

 

You woke me up the next morning, and told me the most shocking thing.

 

“I will do the surgery.”

 

I was happy, oh how wrong I was that time, yet I was confused.

“What changed your mind?” I asked.

 

“You.” You said, ”being with you was everything and I want to spend more days with you. And if I die, I want you to know that we’ve tried everything we can. Okay?”

 

I almost scolded you for your words, but at that time I was so happy that I just mumbled an okay and grasped your hand.

 

 

On the day of your surgery, our friends were there, and they were trying their best to support you without breaking down. Junsu hugged you and cried, you smiled and hugged him back.

Yoochun smiled at you and said,” You will be back, right Jae? I know you will.”

We both smiled at his words, praying in our hearts that it came true.

Changmin hugged you and said, “ You have to come back , hyung ! I will be waiting for you .. and your food!”

We all laughed at his statement. Oh, that kid and his food.

“Yes, Changmin. I know you will.” You answered, chuckling.

 

 

Then , the moment arrived. When they brought you to the surgery room , we were all there beside you, I was holding your hand all the way.

 

“Yunnie , I’m scared..” you said.

“Don’t be , my angel. We’re here, and you will be fine.” I replied, kissing your forehead.

And you smiled again.

But even then , I felt like I’ve lost you already.

 

When we were in front of the surgery room , the nurses didn’t allow us to get in. I was desperate yet my friends keep telling to calm down.

 

Before they closed the door, I remember you yelling,” I love you , Jung Yunho!”

 

And I yelled back , “ I love you too, soon-to-be Jung Jaejoong.”

 

 

After hours , and hours , and hours of waiting, it was the moment of truth.

 

The doctor came up to us, without saying a word.

 

And then it hit me.

 

“Where is Jae?” I asked.

 

He shook his head slowly and looked down.

 

“No .. NO!!! WHERE IS JAEJOONG!!” I yelled and grabbed his collar.

Yoochun hold me back , telling me to stop . Junsu was yelling and crying hysterically , while Changmin hugged him while crying endlessly as well.

 

“We’re so sorry.. We did our best, but they were complication and he lost so much blood. His body couldn’t handle it anymore. We’re sorry, Mr.Jung.”

 

I felt like my world had disappeared, my ear had finally betrayed me , that God was playing a trick on me. My whole world became dark , as my light had disappeared from this world. My feet became wobbly as I fell flat to the ground, lost for words.

I looked around , my friends were crying as well, including Yoochun . He was trying to be strong but I guess he just couldn’t. My hands were wet, wet from my tears that I couldn’t stop from falling. They just kept streaming like a river does. I hid my face behind my palm and cried.

 

After hours of crying , I forced myself to stand up and went to your old room.

It was decorated with so many flowers, so many balloons and plushies, yet it was empty. I walked to your bed and cried again. I reached for your pillow and threw it away. But then I saw something fell out of the pillow. A letter, which I opened with a hurry.

 

‘Dear, Yunho.

 

       Hello , my love. Did you throw the pillow just now? Because if not, you wouldn’t found this letter ㅋㅋㅋPlease don’t throw anything else okay? Oh , and certainly not my plushies! ㅋㅋㅋ

 

       Yunnie, if you’re reading this , it means I’m no longer living in the same world as you. I’m so sorry for leaving you , but as I’ve told you, we’ve tried everything we can , didn’t we? So please don’t blame yourself.

 

       You are my everything: you are my handsome man (yes, you are handsome) , my best friend , my hero. You are my sun , my world , my drugs, my life, everything. I couldn’t even explain how much you meant to me, Yunho. Because you meant that much to me, more than myself.

 

I’m sorry for not telling you sooner about my condition. It’s not that I don’t love you , and don’t you even dare to ever think that way. I love you, I love you , I love you. I love you so much , I would never get bored of saying how much I love you. I would never get tired of saying I love you , even after I’ve told you that a billion times.

 

Oh , how I wish this never happened, that we could live forever as a married couple. Jung Yunho and Jung Jaejoong.. I love it already! I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you anymore, if I could turn back time , I would choose to never meet you at all , so you wouldn’t have to go through this. This doesn’t mean I regret meeting you , no! Not at all , not now , not ever. Meeting you was a gift from heaven , and being together with you was worth all my life.

 

Please , I beg you once again , don’t blame yourself okay? And you have to promise me that you will move on , and find someone else to fill my place. I don’t want you to lock yourself in your own world , just because I won’t be there for you anymore. Please , take care of yourself and promise me this. Please?

 

Even though I won’t be there physically doesn’t mean I won’t be watching you. I will always watch you , and be with you in every step you take. So don’t ever think that I will forever leave you alone.

 

I love you so much , Yunho . Always have , always does , always will.

 

PS : Tell me friends I love them ? And tell Junsu to take care of Yoochun. Oh, and ask my co-worker Kibum to cook for Changmin once in a while ^^’

 

                                                                                                                                      From your love,

 

                                                                                                                                           Jaejoong

 

 

 

 

 

And I cried again. I didn’t leave that room until the nurse woke me up and asked me to leave the next morning. I packed your things and went home.

 

Our home.

 

It feels empty without you here, my heart is empty without you here. There’s a void in my heart that nobody else would never able to fill but you.

 

I closed my eyes and hoped that it was just a dream, that when I opened my eyes you would stand there before me, smiling like an angel as you always did.

 

But you weren’t there. You just weren’t.

 

“Why?” I said to myself, “Why do you leave me like this, Jae?”

 

Yes, Jae, why ? Why did you leave me ? I still ask that question till this day. It’s been more than two weeks after you passing away, and I couldn’t bare with it.

 

Yoochun , Junsu , and Changmin often came to check up on me. Junsu always tried to hide his tears everytime he saw our pictures, so did Changmin.

Yoochun, who always hugged Junsu and calmed him down , is the strongest of us all , but I know that his heart was dying inside as well.

 

But today , Jae, when I woke up to nothingness, I’ve realized that I can’t, no, won’t live without you. Remember when I told you that I will always be on your side, forever? I meant every words.

 

You once told me that you’re not going anywhere , but you lied. And I’m sorry Jae, but now I’m going to break my promise to you as well. That’s why I’m standing on the edge of my rooftop.

 

I’m sorry Chun , Su, Min, but I just couldn’t live without my Jaejoong.

 

You were my heaven , and you still are , Jae. And I’m coming to you.

 

 So , goodbye world. I closed my eyes, and I saw you in my head. With that , I took a breath .. And step into nothingness.