Days passed and the matter slowly migrated to the back of Sakusa's mind. He couldn't forget about it, the brief moment of fear flashing over Atsumu's face was burnt into his memory but throughout the week living out their daily lives without disturbances it lost its relevance. Or rather urgency.

 

He still very much wanted to know what caused Atsumu'd distress that day if only to avoid it in the future at all costs. It was a riddle he failed to solve. After all, it surely couldn't just have been Osamu's presence. The younger Miya twin was nothing but a strong support for his older brother. Maybe a bit too protective at times but Atsumu could always count on him and he did.

 

Sakusa remembered vaguely the one time the blonde had been missing from practice almost a week due to what he assumed must have been an ordinary sickness, a cold or something alike. At the time they weren't close though Sakusa would be lying if he said he hadn't been worried back then.

 

One day before Atsumu returned, with a smile that was slightly forced to be brighter but genuine at its core nonetheless, the raven met the younger twin in the hallway of their apartment complex. His expression was grim and he carried what looked like a care package to his brother's door.

 

At the time Sakusa didn't bother asking what troubled the setter, they hadn't been close enough. And yet, now he regretted it. Chances were that he wouldn't have gotten a genuine answer from the silver-haired at the time -- or even today for that matter -- but he still wished he had tried.

 

This way whatever reason caused Atsumu's distress both times remained unknown to him. For the last four days, he waited for Atsumu to bring it up but he didn't. And so he didn't either. If the blonde wasn't ready to talk about it, it wasn't his place to ask.

 

Though Sakusa couldn't claim it was easy, not-knowing. If they had been together for longer maybe, just maybe, he would have tried for an answer sooner. Had he had known him better, could have read his signs and body language well enough to make sure the question wouldn't put him back into whatever that was but he didn't.

 

He thought he did -- which was foolish and arrogant in retrospect -- some things only get revealed and accomplished through time. Like knowing your partner's habits and very being like your own, better even perhaps.

 

It almost scared him how much he wanted that for them. Perhaps that was why not knowing became his new least-favorite thing about the setter.

 

--------

 

The morning was fresh and foggy when Sakusa's heart fastened with a completely different kind of worry. He clung to his coffee mug and must have looked particularly murderous at the beverage because Atsumu noticed and with his typical teasing smirk poked fun at him from afar, namely the couch he was lazily draped over.

 

They had spent the night together at Sakusa's apartment this time and Atsumu had visibly few troubles with feeling at home.

"Did the coffee murder your entire family or just fail its duty?"

 

Sakusa huffed in feigned annoyance, though Atsumu wasn't completely wrong. He definitely didn't feel awake enough for this.

"No, it's nothing, babe." He grumbled under his breath.

 

His grip tightened and for a moment he didn't dare meet the golden eyes. There he did it. Thirteen weeks, almost fourteen and he finally managed to use a petname. He felt his face heating up and tried to-

 

Why did he look like that?

 

When he finally did dare meet Atsumu'd gaze the image was not what he had expected. The golden eyes had widened and for a moment, shock was written all over the blonde's features.

 

Then he gulped. Slowly, carefully. He blinked a couple of times before control returned to him but still the expected reaction, teasing or anything alike, never came. At this point he wanted anything but this.

 

Atsumu was too quiet.

 

"What did you say?" his voice was quieter than usual.

 

"I said--"

 

"Wait! Don't repeat it."

The same tremor ran through his voice as that day. The same weary smile played on his lips as he tried to cover up his reaction, stopping the trembling of his lower lip by capturing it between his teeth as before.

 

A frown set in Sakusa's brows and he slowly placed the mug aside.

 

"I thought you liked pet names. You always coo over it when characters use the in K-dramas or manga."

A slight bitterness accompanied Sakusa's words and he internally chastised himself for it. He felt a little disappointed, betrayed that Atsumu didn't seem to appreciate the efforts it took him to work up the courage to say this. but that wasn't the setter's fault. He shouldn't have expected anything.

Or drawn conclusions from what the other enjoyed in fiction vs reality. Still... This was off the other end of the expected outcomes of the situation.

 

"I do. I do... It's just..." Atsumu started to explain.

He nibbled at his lip again. His hands twisted into the fabric of his hoodie and for a moment his eyes seemed to focus on something far away before he seemed to remember where he was and with a flinch brought himself back to reality.

"It's tacky, don't you think? Completely overused."

 

He tried playing for confidence and half leaned over the back of the couch while resting his face in his hand. His grin felt almost like an insult to Sakusa. He couldn't remember the last time he had been audience to Atsumu's fake smiles, actually fake not just amplified or camera ready. And it wasn't even convincing at that.

 

"Okay, what is going on?" Sakusa straightened his back.

 

Atsumu's smile didn't change but he could see his expression harden.

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"Don't play--"

He stopped himself as he noticed that Osamu had used the same words before and it hadn't gone well then either. He needed to stay calm.

 

With a deep breath, he sat down the coffee mug on the kitchen counter before leaning against it as he faced Atsumu.

"Atsu, something is wrong. At least be honest about that. I would be a pretty ty boyfriend if I didn't even notice that much after dating for three months."

 

The golden eyes he loved so much didn't look at him anymore. They were focused on the fabric of the couch as though the pattern in which it was woven had suddenly sparked his interest.

 

"I want to help, or in the very least not make you feel that way anymore. So please talk to me." Sakusa continued.

 

It took all his willpower to stay where he was. He had the slight inkling that coming off forceful would have the opposite effect he desired. Still...

It was hard to tolerate the sudden distance between them.

 

"I really am pathetic, ain't I?"

It was almost too quiet for Sakusa to hear but when he did regardless he frowned.

 

A bitter chuckle escaped Atsumu's lips though it sounded slightly choked. Cold shivers haunted down Sakusa's spine at the words but before he could reply and offer reassurance Atsumu got up so suddenly the ace kept silent in surprise.

 

"I should get going. Sorry for... that."

 

"Atsumu, wait!"

But the setter was already at the door, putting on his shoes. . What happened? What had he done wrong?!

 

"Atsumu!"

Sakusa reached out to him but as soon as his fingers caressed his shoulder the blonde flinched violently. He pulled his hand back as though he had burnt himself and froze. His breathing was rigid as he tried to understand what was going on.

 

He wished he didn't. He wished he would have just let him go. When Atsumu turned around at the door fear coined his expression. He tried to hide it but his eyes betrayed him. Atsumu was scared. He was scared of him.

 

...

 

For a moment, Sakusa forgot how to breathe as the realization hit him like a truck. The setter was gone long before he could catch himself.

Before he knew what was happening a familiar itch spread under his skin and he rushed to the bathroom. His brain short-circuited and he found himself vigorously washing his hands until they turned red in irritation.

 

Only then could he force himself to stop. The itch was still there just slightly more manageable after giving in to the urge. He knew he needed to calm himself before it escalated.

 

Cleaning calmed him, his brain provided unhelpfully, causing a frustrated groan to escape his throat. His thoughts raced back to the therapy sessions he still attended regularly. He needed to remember the strategies he'd been taught.

 

Slowly by controlling his breathing and allowing minor, non-destructive tasks, he calmed. His hands were still painfully red reminding him that his skin wouldn't forgive his slip-up so easily.

 

And still, the itch was just under the surface, dangerously close. He needed to find a way to work through what happened today that wouldn't trigger him to spiral. If he could just manage to sort his thoughts and look at the facts he might be able to understand or at least think about it without panicking.

 

A list. He should make a list. or write it down somehow. Automatically his feet carried him to his bedroom, and the desk in the corner next to the window. He found the paper but when lifted a pen to the blank surface his hand started to tremble. He needed help.

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Podfic/Audiobook/Video version - Chapter 02