In all of Yu Jimin’s life, there wasn’t a moment she recalled she had loved anyone more than her parents, her grandma, her sister, or her high school friends.

By the time she finished high school, there came a big change where she would no longer be just Yu Jimin anymore, she would be Yu Jimin and Karina Yu. It was foreign to her— almost because what did Karina mean? Who was she meant to be in such a short time? Was it short? She trained for years alongside another trainee, Ning Yizhuo— who trained years longer than her. It was weird almost. Spending so much time with a single person reaching for a common goal— a common dream and all. Knowing Ning Yizhuo for years meant something for her, but it did not warrant her to love the younger woman more than her parents, her grandma, her sister, or her high school friends, but she was there in the list of who she loved, but she just did not feel the need or want to love Yizhuo more than those in her life.

Coming forth, the third year that she was still a trainee, there was a quiet trepidation that tickled the nape of Jimin’s neck and made Yizhuo’s stomach wring itself tightly until she could not eat or speak a word of it. They were still young— well maybe Yizhuo was still younger by a short margin, which only made Jimin’s worries heavier on her shoulders because she was twenty already, which wasn’t the usual age for an idol to debut, but sweet Ning Yizhuo was still eighteen, the perfect age— Jimin supposes.

Trainees began to pack up in the shared dorms and left, and the sliver of hope began to diminish in Yizhuo’s childlike eyes, and Jimin? The hope in Jimin’s eyes left some time ago, taking a bit of her smile away too. It was hard, if Jimin was being honest. There wasn’t such luxury, it was pure hard work and there were let downs, after let downs, so forgive Jimin if she began to lose hope, but she wouldn’t leave Yizhuo— no. Not after the moments they’ve shared on quiet days.

Quiet days that began to cease to exist after a day Jimin would call the most special in her life. A day she would remember for the rest of her life because she met Kim Minjeong from Busan, who was shy of her satoori or who wasn’t so sure about Jimin’s watchful eyes. You’ll have to forgive Jimin for that too because she didn’t mean to stare so hard when Minjeong and Aeri entered the room and bowed deeply to the remaining trainees. 

There was no instant spark, no small gasp, and no immediate interest, except for the curiosity of two new trainees in an unforgiving company with trainees barely enough to form one whole group, so Jimin had doubts, many doubts.

And the doubts diminished in more ways than one because Minjeong always smiled brightly, stood tall even if she wasn’t, and held a voice within that spoke to all of Jimin’s nerves and senses. The following years, four girls including Jimin were lined up for a debut and Jimin remembers the moment she wanted to take care of Minjeong for as long as she could. It was late, quite late for anyone really, to still be in the company practise rooms because it was almost one in the morning and it was questionable that someone would still be here. Although Jimin hadn’t considered it to be questionable for her to be up so late in the company either since she just wanted to perfect her dancing for the debut tomorrow at Music Bank alongside Ningning and Giselle, so forgive her for the lack of thinking.

It doesn’t take much thought for Jimin to open the door to the room— startling poor Minjeong, who in return startles Jimin too after the boisterous welcome.

“Unnie? Holy !” Minjeong drops the microphone after standing up and the screech noise makes its way to Jimin’s ears, which is unpleasant to hear. Minjeong picks up the microphone immediately to stop the noise after seeing the way Jimin had raised her small hands to her ears so quickly.

“Swearing at your unnie, really ?” Jimin teases and the tip of Minjeong’s ears burn red.

“S-sorry.” Minjeong clears before plopping down to the floor again. Jimin came forward and shuffled to the floor about a metre and a half in front of the younger girl.

“What are you still doing here so late, Minjeong?” Jimin asks as she props her chin atop her knee.

“I just wanted to practise a little more… y’know, since I have a big part.” Minjeong scratches at her nape. Jimin finds that habit adorable.

“Minjeong, there’s no way you will mess up the song. You’ve practised over and over, and it’s perfect. You’re perfect.” Jimin tells her truthfully.

“Y-you think that of me?” Minjeong blinks a bit surprised.

‘Of course I do. No one in the world sings like you, Minjeong.” Jimin smiles and her ears feel warm from the way Minjeong lights up and grins until the lights in the room become too dim to compare to her smile. 

“Thank you, unnie… that’s really nice for you to say.” Minjeong ducks her head with a shy expression and the blue dyed tips of her hair bounce slightly. Jimin inches closer until her foot touches Minjeong’s.

“U-unnie?” Minjeong blinks when she feels as if Jimin’s too close to her, to the point she could probably name the shade of Jimin’s hair too— down to the colour’s hex code.

“Your eyes are b red. You’re tired. You need sleep.” 

Jimin’s words don’t really register in Minjeong’s mind, Jimin can tell by the blank expression Minjeong’s face. The next second, Minjeong is being pulled up by the arms, the microphone is turned off and left on the ground, the room lights are off, and then Jimin’s dragging poor Minjeong out of the building.

“U-unnie- w-wait!” Minjeong’s desperate words fall on deaf ears because Jimin is tired, it’s late, and she wants to be back in the dorm with Minjeong so she knows the girl is sleeping and safe. Minjeong doesn’t complain when they’ve reached the dorm a bit close to the company, so it was an easy walk, but it would have been easier if Minjeong hadn’t resisted in the first place.

Jimin’s hand is still holding Minjeong’s by the time they’re at the dorm’s doorstep, still clasped around Minjeong’s clammy palm by the time they’re inside, and still interlocked by the time they’re standing outside of Minjeong’s room.

“Unnie? Are you.. are you mad at me?” Minjeong’s voice is small and Jimin does a complete 180— turning around.

“Of course not.” Jimin frowns.

“..you haven’t let go of me, so it says.. otherwise.. kind of.” Minjeong blushes and Jimin’s eyes travel down to where she had been holding Minjeong’s hand. She pulls away and drops Minjeong’s hands like she had touched hot searing coal.

“S-sorry.” It’s uncharacteristic for Jimin to stutter at such matters.

“S’alright.” Minjeong smiles and shrugs.

“Go wash up, I’ll be here.” Jimin nudges her and Minjeong nods.

Minjeong brushes her teeth and goes into her room to change into her pyjamas. Jimin then assumes it’s an appropriate time to enter the girl’s room.

“Have you fallen asleep yet, Minjeong?” Jimin asks as she pokes her head in just to find Minjeong brushing her hair.

“Nope.” Minjeong smiles.

“I’ll tuck you in.” Jimin doesn’t ask or offer it because she knows she’ll do it either way.

“I’m not five.” Minjeong pouts.

“I’d like to say otherwise.” Jimin chuckles as Minjeong still cambers into bed and waits for Jimin to tuck her in properly.

Jimin arranges Minjeong’s pillow and pulls the comforter over so it covers the younger girl properly.

“Unnie?” Minjeong says quietly.

“Hm?” Jimin sits on the edge of the bed beside Minjeong.

“Are you scared,” Minjeong chews on her bottom lip. “Are you scared for tomorrow when we debut in front of all those people?” 

Jimin sighs and know she’ll have to say something encouraging because she is the leader of their group, but to be honest— she herself is scared of what’s to come, and in the quaint room of Minjeong, she feels like she doesn’t have to lie and be someone she’ll grow to become.

“I won’t lie to you, Minjeong. I’m terrified.” Jimin says gently and Minjeong smiles encouragingly. “Such much has passed in such little time, and I’m afraid of how to act on stage, how to talk to people and just how to manage to be a leader of our group. So to be frank, I am so scared, Minjeong.” Jimin swallows.

“You don’t have to be, Jimin-unnie.” Minjeong holds onto Jimin’s hand tightly. “You don’t have to be scared at all because Ningning will be there, Giselle-unnie will be there, and… I will too.” 

Jimin smiles so wide, her cheeks begin to ache.

“You’re sweet, and it’ll be Karina-unnie from tomorrow, remember?” Jimin giggles.

“Of course, I won’t forget, Karina-unnie .” Minjeong grins and waves their clasped hands around. 

“You will do well tomorrow. You’ve always done well.” Jimin tells her.
“You will do well tomorrow too, unnie. With me, Aeri-unnie and Ning. You have us and we have you.” Minjeong grins and Jimin feels warm.

“Yeah. I have you.” Jimin smiles.

Minjeong pats the spot beside her where it seems like there’d be enough room for a second person if they were small and liked to cuddle— and Jimin was tall, but small enough and wouldn’t turn down any warmth.

“Unnie, sleep here tonight. You look like you’re falling asleep.” Minjeong says and yes, Jimin does feel tired at that point.

“Okay.” Jimin doesn’t turn away the offer, instead she slides in until she’s facing Minjeong and they’re nose to nose.

“Sleep well okay? We have big days ahead of us, Minjeong.” Jimin brushes Minjeong’s hair away from her face. 

“Let’s make a promise.” Minjeong wriggles in the bed and Jimin chuckles.

“Promise?” Jimin smiles.

“Yes. Let’s promise no matter what happens, we’ll always have each other.” Minjeong proposes and Jimin giggles and rubs her socked feet against Minjeong’s.

“You’re so cheesy.” Jimin laughs and Minjeong still smiles. “But it’s sweet… you’re sweet.” 

“So promise?” Minjeong asks again and Jimin nods.

‘I promise that you’ll always have me, Kim Minjeong.” Jimin affirms.

“Okay, but tomorrow I’ll be Winter and you’ll be Karina-unnie, remember?” Minjeong reminds her when Jimin calls her by her korean name.

“Of course, Winter ,” Jimin chuckles. “But you’ll always be Minjeong to me, Minjeong-ah.”  

Neither knows who falls asleep first, but Jimin’s sure she was last because the last thing she saw before her heart began to thump loudly, and before her palms began to feel clammy was Minjeong’s long lashes on closed eyelids and slight pouty lips as she slept because impulsively, Jimin had leant forward and pressed a kiss so dangerously close to Minjeong’s mouth, but only reaching the corner of her lips above her chin. 

Jimin doesn’t jump away because it’ll have to mean something and it will cause Minjeong to stir, so instead she backs away a little and lets go of Minjeong’s hand she had been holding onto.

Big days, huh, Minjeong-ah? 

Let’s hope we make it. 

So when they’re standing on stage the next day, costumes secured and hair curled, Karina turns to Minjeong and finds her hand trembling. Jimin reaches for her and squeezes Minjeong’s hand.

“You will do well. You’ve always done well.” Jimin repeats what she had said the night before and Minjeong smiles widely.

“Thank you, unnie. You will too.” Minjeong says before the staff begin to call them to get ready.

The cheers get loud and they face the audience like how their choreography should be. Jimin can’t help but want to look at Minjeong again, to make sure the younger girl is alright, so she does. She turns to her side to peer past Aeri and finds Minjeong looking right back at her. Jimin blinks a little surprised and Minjeong only grins her widest, and Jimin falls in love with the way the corners of Minjeong’s lips lilt up to frame her gorgeous smile, the way Minjeong’s eyes crinkle at the edges when she smiles, and the way her nose scrunches up so cutely.

Her heart beats loudly against her chest— no, it bangs against her chest, threatening to tear out it’s way from her ribs and flesh to skip over to Minjeong and fall into her warm hands because it doesn’t take so long for Jimin to realise that there’s something else about Minjeong that makes her love the younger girl unlike how she loves the other members. Call it favouritism, but Jimin doesn’t call it at all because it makes her feel uneasy when Minjeong’s still smiling back at her wide as ever, and Jimin feels like she might just go into cardiac arrest because in all of Yu Jimin’s life, there wasn’t a moment she recalled she had loved anyone more than her parents, her grandma, her sister, or her high school friends.

Nothing warrants her to love anyone else over her family, but there’s Minjeong smiling so bright at her, who holds her hand tightly, and radiates so much sunshine and warmth— Jimin cannot help but want to put Minjeong above all in all categories because Jimin likes Minjeong the most, she likes Minjeong more than her mom and dad— Minjeong is just her favourite in the world, and she wants Minjeong to think like that too, which was some false sense of hope sweet young Jimin had.

So please like me too? 

Like me, like how I like you. 

Only like me, please?  

And so by the time it’s been years into their success as Aespa, Jimin does recall a time where she wasn’t Karina for a mere moment, and she can recall in that moment that she loved Minjeong more than her parents, her grandma, her sister, and her high school friends.

Jimin wakes up in a cold sweat one day when she realises she loves Minjeong. 

–

–

–

Jimin’s awake and cooking breakfast for the members and her eyes glance behind her to Minjeong’s door where she would usually wake up first when Jimin made breakfast. It comes as a surprise later when Giselle is the first one to walk out with Ningning bumping into her on the way to the bathroom. Giselle leans her body weight on the kitchen counter and she peers around curiously as if she was looking for something.

“Looking for Minjeong?” Karina voices out.

“Yeah, how’d you know?” Giselle says.

“Because Minjeong usually wakes up before you and it’s strange not to find her here first, right?” Karina says and Giselle blinks at her.

“You were curious too?” Giselle asks and Karina only nods.

“Should I wake her?” Giselle tilts her head as if asking Karina for permission.

“She was probably tired last night, so let her sleep. There’s plenty of food for her later.” Karina decides although something tickles the nape of her neck.

“There won't be plenty of food if she doesn’t wake up because I’ll eat her servings.” Giselle grins mischievously, and Karina laughs.

“Yah.” She warns, but only laughs after because Giselle makes this face when she’s being reprimanded.  

The two foreign members eat heartily at the breakfast Karina’s prepared, but the tickle at her nape begins to gnaw at her neck until she’s forced to glance at a closed door again.

She doesn’t know what it means at that point, but she knows it’ll mean something.

They're in the van on the way back to the dorm after a scheduled shoot, Ningning’s conked out, Aeri’s listening to music, and Minjeong’s there. Staring. Jimin pretends she doesn’t feel the eyes burning into the back of her head as she looks out the car window. She pretends that in the reflection of the window, she doesn’t see Minjeong’s sad eyes because then it’ll mean something Karina will not allow to happen.

When she sees Minjeong turn away and close her eyes, Jimin deems it safe to look. To turn and look at such beauty that she loves above all because Minjeong does things to her mind and heart and Jimin cries every day about it, while Karina can only stare. Can only steal quiet glances and be selfless because to be selfish, she’ll be Jimin who is meant to be selfish. As Karina, she is not meant to be selfish, only a leader who puts everyone else above all because there is nothing that matters for her to be selfish. If she’ll be selfish, then she won’t put everyone above all because she’ll only wish to put only Minjeong in that spot of selfishness.

When she wakes Minjeong up— well before that, Minjeong’s eyes are moving left-right under closed eyelids and Jimin almost immediately assumes it’s a bad dream, so she wakes her up. Minjeong wakes up and looks right into her eyes and Jimin sees the way Minjeong takes in her features and searches for something in Jimin’s eyes. It makes Jimin feel seen, so she steps back and her jacket doesn’t feel warm enough for this weather anymore.

They follow up to the dorm quietly and enter quietly. Jimin musters her best smile and turns back to Minjeong. Something about bidding Minjeong good night feels cruel in her head, like she doesn’t want the day to end, and Jimin wants it to mean something else like they might sleep in the same room again and look at each other with such warmth, but it’s a different time and not these stupid wishes Jimin keeps making in the quiet nights of her room.

“Night, Minjeong. Sleep well.” Karina turns around as she releases her hair from the hair clip and retreats to her room. Jimin closes the door until it clicks and she leans back up against her door with closed eyes. 

You’re Karina. 

Don’t forget, Jimin-ah. 

“Aeri-ah, are you feeling okay?” Karina finishes wiping down the kitchen table and finds Aeri sitting on the couch, looking distracted as ever.

“Hm? Oh- I was just”, Aeri falters for a second. “Nothing, I’m just tired.” 

Not missing the slip-up after years of knowing these girls, Karina however lets it pass. “Okay. must be tired from the shoot, hm?”

“Yeah. just that.” Aeri nods carefully and turns away. The look on Aeri’s face doesn’t leave though, so Jimin walks over after discarding the rag into the sink and sits down beside Aeri on the couch.

“You can talk to me, Aeri-ah. You have something on your mind, no?” Karina rearranges Aeri’s bangs.

“I…I guess I do.” Aeri sighs and leans back into the couch cushions. Jimin follows the actions and sits the same as Aeri, swallowed up by the couch.

“What's going on in your little mind?” Karina smiles and asks softly.

“It’s just… y’know, Winter’s been sleeping a lot, right?” Aeri begins and Karina nods. “She dreams a lot too, she told me.”

Jimin props herself on the couch cushion comfortably to sit up a little to face Aeri better.

“Is that not a good thing?” Karina asks.

“No.” Aeri shakes her head. “She dreams happily, but when she wakes up, it’s like.. it’s like she forgets where she is and who she is.” Aeri says and Karina frowns.

“Is that why you’re worried?” Karina asks quietly and Aeri nods.

Karina grabs a hold of Aeri’s hand. “...I don't think that’s something so worrying. If she’s happy, then I don’t think there’s much to do to stop her until she realises it herself.” Karina speaks gently.

“And if she doesn’t realise? What happens if she keeps dreaming until she forgets about us and only cares about whoever she’s loving in her dreams?” 

She… Minjeong loves someone in her dreams? 

Jimin lies awake that night thinking about Minjeong. She thinks about the instances over the years where Minjeong had met people and she thinks hard, until her brain feels like it’ll explode. She tries to think of faces, hands, gestures, and just anything, but nothing actually comes up to help ease her mind and heart. Only a green shadow looms over her when she succumbs to sleep.

Jimin’s been busying herself all day in her room rearranging things, and cleaning because Aeri’s is out for a shoot, Ningning’s in her room, and Minjeong was asleep the last time Jimin had peeked through a small crack in Minjeong’s room before closing the door quietly. She walks back out and passes by Ningning’s room and backtracks for a moment— thinking she’s been hearing things.

“...what the fracking- was up her … my god.. so annoying! Ugh!” The string of curses and rambling from Ningning’s room yanks Jimin out of her reverie because she really doesn’t expect such foul words coming from the maknae this late in the night. Jimin heads over to Ningning’s room and knocks on the door and waits for a few seconds after hearing rustling from the inside and then the door opens.

“Yes, unnie?” Ningning blinks innocently.

“The walls are quite thin, Ning-ah.” Karina smirks and Ningning smiles sheepishly.

“Sorry.” Ningning scratches her nape.

“Who are you cursing out today?” Karina asks and Ningning blinks.

“Uh- no one… no one in particular.” Ningning’s mouth twitches and Karina finds it too easy to tell when the youngest was lying or hiding something.

“You can tell me. I won’t tell.” Karina shrugs and it takes barely a second for Ningning to cave and invite her unnie into the room where they sit side by side on the edge of her bed.

Ningning stands up and paces for a second and Karina watches her curiously. She sits back down quickly and the action makes the bed wobble a bit.

“It’s about Winter-unnie.” Ningning begins.

Oh. 

“You.. you don’t look surprised?” Ningning tilts her head. 

“Hm? It’s nothing.” Karina shakes her head.

“Aeri-unnie talked to you too?” Ningning asked.
“Yeah.. she did tell me about her worries.” Karina sinks into the bed.

“Knew it.” Ningning sighed.

“But you don’t sound as worried as Aeri, you sound a little more pissed.” Karina inquires.

“That’s because I am!” Ningning jumps back up and paces again.

“Earlier, I tried being nice y’know, laying down an olive branch or some because y’know, I haven’t seen Winter-unnie as often now, and I missed her so I asked her how she was and told her I was worried about her, and you know what she says,” Ningning throws up her hands in frustration. “ Then don’t care.” Ningning mocks Winter.

“It’s, ugh! She’s so selfish!” Ningning plops back onto the bed with more force than the last time— making Karina sway a bit.

“Ning-ah, your words aren’t kind right now. Can’t you see Minjeong’s going through something right now?” Karina says considerately. 

“I know she is, that’s why I told her she can talk to me! To us!” Ningning pouts and Karina pats her back gently.

“Aeri-unnie’s worried and too scared to say anything more, and you unnie… you can see it too, can’t you?” Ningning sighs and her shoulders drop. A conflicting emotion creeps into Jimin’s body and grasps at her shoulders until they’re tight and upright.

God. 

She knows— Jimin knows too ing well what Minjeong’s been up to and some part of her is angry that Minjeong will waste away at her time and ruin herself for the excuse of some love story at the expense of her well-being.

“I-I… I know, Ning-ah. I know.” Karina smiles softly and holds Ningning’s hands caringly. “But we can only help if she wants it. When she’s ready to talk to us, she will.” 

“Well it .” Ningning huffs.

“I’ll talk to her about it, okay?” Karina coaxes Ningning.

“Okay. Make sure you knock some sense into her head or just knock her over the head.” Ningning shrugs before laying flat on the bed.

“Okay, Ning-ah.” Karina chuckles before exiting the room with anger for Minjeong.

It doesn’t surprise her really, the way Minjeong’s looking at her after she’s confronted the younger woman about the way she’s been treating everyone, but a part of Jimin feels wrong doing this because Minjeong hadn’t been treating Jimin differently— Minjeong hadn’t been treating Jimin at all. They only have short conversations because Jimin finds if she’s talking to Minjeong for too long she’ll spiral, so she does best to keep it short. 

God, Jimin would be blind to pretend that Minjeong hadn’t been acting stranger than usual— spending time in her room sleeping away her life because Jimin does see it, she feels it in her bones she once did it years ago and it did nothing for her, it only ruined her.

Karina huffs at Minjeong’s distasteful words and a crease of anger settles between Karina’s eyebrows.

Jimin watches quietly with her arms folded across her chest as Minjeong leans on the kitchen counter to rest her head on her arms.

You’re hurting too, am I wrong? 

“I get that you might be going through something, Minjeong, but you have us. You have me, you can talk to us. You can tell me things, Minjeong.” Karina speaks gently, trying to voice out her own thoughts about Minjeong’s dreams and all.

“I know.” Minjeong sighs into her palms.

And then it’s quiet.

Jimin needs to cut her words short because she’ll feel that tickle at the nape of her neck and will want something more— something selfish. 

“...always being the great leader, unnie.” Minjeong quips and Karina clenches her jaw.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Karina asks sharply.

“It means nothing…” Minjeong trails off and there’s that look in her eye only a fool like Jimin could recognise. It wants more, Minjeong’s eyes— Minjeong wants more. Jimin can tell and it pains her to be so mean, but she doesn’t mean it at all, she wants to run to Minjeong, hug her carefully and pepper kisses all over Minjeong because she’s in love, love, love with her.

But Karina only clenches her jaw and sighs, “Just apologise to Ning. You were mean to her.” “What about me?” Minjeong’s eyes don’t meet Jimin’s. “You were pretty mean to me too. Do I get an apology?” 

No, Jimin doesn’t know what Minjeong means by that, but there’s still that look in her eyes— one that Jimin terribly wants to get rid of by maybe a simple touch, but it won’t be as simple at all. It won’t be. 

Jimin’s resolve falls as she watches Minjeong push past her— push her away and walk back to her room. Jimin goes back to her room and doesn’t make breakfast because she can’t bring herself to because she’s on the floor of her room as silent tears dribble onto the cold hardwood floor of the dorm.

The next morning, Jimin smiles happily after yesterday’s aftermath because she’s had quite the productive morning. She had done all the laundry, and folded all the clothes and sweeped the dorm. She enters each member's room quietly to put their clothes in their room, so they can hopefully pack it away, but Jimin knows Ningning will leave it on her desk chair until it becomes an unfolded pile of clothes, Aeri will take it apart so she can wear the clothes again, and Minjeong… Minjeong will place it on her desk and put it in her wardrobe later in a neat manner. 

Before going into Minjeong’s room, Jimin had hesitated with a hand on the doorknob and the other hand under a pile of clothes. She hopes that the floral spring fabric softener she used on this set of clothes hadn’t been too strong because Jimin likes her clothes with the strong scent, but Aeri had complained about it once saying that they might need to restock since it felt like Jimin had used all of the two-litres of the fabric softener on the clothes in one load, which she hadn’t but she will admit she has always been a little generous on the detergent.

With a deep breath, Jimin pushed through and placed the pile on the edge of Minjeong’s bed where her feet do not reach since she sleeps with her legs bent. She takes a look around shortly because it’s not often she’s in Minjeong’s room anymore and it feels foreign somehow, like she isn’t allowed in here because this is Minjeong’s sacred space she once shared with Jimin, but she had stopped coming into the room years ago because she was afraid it had to mean something. It does mean something now, but Jimin does not enter the room anymore. 

Jimin sighs and looks at Minjeong’s angelic face sleeping, before opening the blinds and leaving the room quietly to prepare breakfast. While she’s cooking, she hears footsteps and a conversation. Ningning and Minjeong are in the hallway of the bathroom and they’re not talking so quietly because Jimin hears it all and a small smile makes a home on Jimin’s lips. It’s cute, Minjeong’s cute— the way she stumbles over her words when she apologises because she doesn’t really liked apologising because she was the youngest in her family, so she got away with a lot of things, but when she doesn’t get away with it, she succumbs to embarrassment and regret in her own Minjeong way. It’s endearing and makes up one of the many reasons why Jimin loves Minjeong.

That morning too, it seems like Minjeong has returned to her usual demeanour, the one the group had grown accustomed to, not the Minjeong’s that had been sleeping in the dorm these past weeks. 

They hold a conversation longer than usual because Jimin gets carried away in the way Minjeong speaks with her warm voice and round eyes.

It becomes quiet for a little while, but not so uncomfortable because Jimin’s busy trying to clean up the mess she’s made in the kitchen after making kimchi fried rice, and Minjeong’s bringing the food over to the table quietly even though Jimin hadn’t asked her to. It makes her smile and Minjeong’s presence doesn’t feel so bothersome even if she’s hovering around Jimin to see if she needs help wiping down the counter or something.

When Aeri returns, Jimin sighs almost immediately because she cannot mistake the clinking noise in the bag Aeri had just returned with beside the paper bag from the bakery nearby. 

“Aeri, we’re not day drinking.” It’s an automatic reprimand for Aeri from Jimin because what even was the girl thinking.

“I didn’t buy them for now…” Aeri huffs.

“Liar.” Minjeong snickers.

“Fine! I just thought y’know.. since we’re all home and we’re not busy, I thought we could hang out like how we used to.” Aeri shrugged and Jimin softened at Aeri’s words.

“That’s a pretty nice idea, actually.” Minjeong nods. 

Minjeong’s right. It is a pretty nice idea because when they were busy back then, they didn’t have time for each other at all. They only worked together, and when they went back home to the dorm, they went to bed immediately and spoke to each other little by little. When they used to be free during those days, Jimin would keep a watchful eye on the two youngests because not on her watch was she going to allow two underage girls to over drink in front of her or any manager, so later in the night, the four of them would sneak out quietly to the living room floor and would share a couple soju bottles between them, sipping on them little by little as the talked about everything, nothing, and the stuff that lies between. Jimin on those nights never drank too much because she was afraid she would say something about her feelings to Minjeong who sat beside her and didn’t have a clue about her feelings.

Jimin blinks and finds Aeri and Minjeong staring at her expectantly. She almost sighs because she can’t say no when Aeri’s giving her puppy eyes or when Minjeong’s looking at her right in the eye.

“Fine.. but start later, it’s still too early.” Jimin shakes her head and Aeri smiles before skipping forward to hug both Jimin and Minjeong. Jimin almost freezes up when Minjeong’s shoulder to shoulder with her and she’s so glad Aeri pulls away to put the stuff she bought away. Jimin breathes out a shuddered breath and Minjeong’s smile is beaming— burning right into Jimin’s soul.

Ningning’s cheeks are beet red from the alcohol, Aeri’s dozed off, and after drinking so much after such a long time makes Jimin realise she is a bit of a light-weight because she can’t stop giggling when Minjeong’s looking at her with such a gentle smile. 

Minjeong. Minjeong, Minjeong. 

I love your eyes when they’re staring at me when I’m not looking, I love your smile when your eyes crinkle away and it makes me want to kiss the creases your smile makes, but I won’t because in some masochistic way, I like not being able to love you like how I want because I still have some parts of my resolve together. Jimin giggles and laughs so hard until she’s crying and she can’t tell if she’s still laughing because Minjeong is so beautiful and lovely— so much that Jimin wants to storm up to the clouds and yank god down by his beard and curse at him for making such a sweet creature that’ll never be hers.

They’ve moved to the balcony outside at some point and it’s freezing, and not in a nice way because Jimin grew up in a fairly cold place in Seoul, and she hadn’t really ever gotten used to the changing weather. Aeri’s kept on her puffer jacket since she went out to buy the soju earlier, and Jimin kind of wants to yank it off the girl to keep herself warm, but she won’t because she knows Aeri will be cold too.

Minjeong pops back into the dorm for a second and Jimin’s eyes naturally follow the girl. Jimin blinks in surprise when she comes back out with a jacket and a blanket. Minjeong walks over to her and Jimin can feel the cautious gaze Minjeong has, but Jimin doesn’t say anything— she feels as if she can’t because it sudden;y doesn’t feel so cold anymore and she’s sure the tip of her ears are red. Minjeong silently drapes the jacket to cover Jimin’s torso, and she drapes the blanket over Jimin’s legs. 

“Thank you, Minjeong.” Karina swallows and settles back into the couch chair because she still feels woozy like she’ll pass out if she doesn’t rest her eyes for a moment. 

Jimin awakens, although she hadn’t actually fallen asleep since the alcohol was rushing to her head and she wanted to rest her eyes. It usually takes a while for Jimin to fall asleep and even at that, Jimin’s still a light sleeper. Her eyes flutter open and she finds Ningning and Winter leaning on the balcony speaking, not in hushed tones and not speaking vocally either, just speaking. Raw and bare.

It doesn’t surprise her when Ningning’s question is about Minjeong’s dreams, however all the words that tumble out of Minjeong’s mouth next does surprise her indeed.

“...what do you dream about, Win?” Minjeong chuckles at the nicknames.

“Love.” Minjeong’s voice drips of honey and Jimin hates how it makes her weak at the knees.

“Like dreams of being in love with someone?” Ningning asks and Minjeong nods.

“Yeah.”

“Do I know this ‘someone’?” Ningning leans closer to her and blinks.

“You do.” Minjeong blames it on the alcohol for her running mouth.

Jimin looks at Minjeong’s back profile— no, she really stares because she cannot fathom what she’s hearing about Minjeong because she knows in some deep, twisted part of her heart, Minjeong loves her like she loves Minjeong, and it becomes a problem really because this cannot happen— not soon, later, in the next years, just ever. It can’t happen. It can’t. 

“Can you tell me?” Ningning asks and Minjeong shakes her head.

“Why not?” Ningning hiccups.

“Because it won’t change anything.” Minjeong says and Jimin frowns because she wants to ask why it won’t change anything, but she knows because she is also Karina and will not allow such change. She once dreamed of some change too, and in her dreaming she almost lost herself in the foolish callings of love and gentle Minjeong.

“Do you…do you love them so much that.. hmph …you dream of them almost every night?” Ningning mumbles her words. 

“I do.” Minjeong smiles as she pats Ningning’s head.

“Do they dream of you like you dream of them?” Ningning blinks as her eyes begin to feel heavy.

“No. I doubt it.” Minjeong chuckles dryly.

I do. 

I did. 

I’ve dreamed of you too, Minjeong-ah.  

“Why do you dream of them, then?” Ningning frowns.

“Because this person doesn’t love me, but in my dreams they do.” Minjeong tells her.

I love you without dreams, I love you any day, anywhere. 

“That’s.. huh. That’s confusing.” Ningning’s brows are furrowed.

“Yeah… I guess it is for me too.” Minjeong sighs and Jimin swallows because at some point it confused her too. Confused her so much, she could not bear to look at Minjeong because she wished she was loving Minjeong like how she wanted to, but it never happened and never will.

Jimin doesn’t register that Minjeong’s looking back at her until she hears a small gasp and sees Minjeong’s eyes widen for a fraction of time. She feels seen, , bare and raw under Minjeong’s gaze because indirectly, she’s just heard a confession and Jimin feels wrong for hearing it like she’s eavesdropped on big private matters. Jimin turns away before her heart threatens to jump out again.

“Let’s get you three to bed.” Minjeong says.

Jimin wants to pretend she can talk and take herself to her room, but the way she’s staggering with Minjeong’s arm under her says otherwise. A sense of deja vu barrels at Jimin’s mind at full speed since it’s crawled out from the back of her mind. Minjeong’s standing above her as she drapes the comforter over Jimin until Jimin’s flat on her back and holding tight onto the blanket. 

It feels too Jimin and Minjeong like that night Jimin had tucked Minjeong in, but this time it was Minjeong who was doing it to Jimin. Jimin’s throat feels dry and maybe it’s the alcohol and her eyelids are getting heavy, but Jimin reaches out before Minjeong leaves.

Stay. 

She wants to say because it means something, it will mean something if she does say it, but she doesn’t because she can’t bring herself to.

“Minjeong-ah.” Jimin sits up as she pushes the comforter down a bit, and pulls Minjeong back down to sit beside her.

“Unnie?” Minjeong blinks.

“You need to stop dreaming.” Jimin almost wants to hit herself square on the head for her unfiltered talking, but she blames it on how pretty Minjeong looks in her room, and how she’s drunk because drunk people do a lot of things they won’t usually do. Jimin trembles when Minjeong doesn’t say a word, and maybe she can play it off and fall asleep, but Minjeong doesn’t let her.

“...why?” Minjeong questions.

“Because it doesn’t feel good here”, Jimin lazily places a hand on her own chest and then brings it to Minjeong’s chest where her heart should be on the left side. “Right? It hurts.” 

Minjeong smiles at her and takes her hand away to move it to the actual left side of her chest, since Jimin dumbly had it on the right side. 

“It only hurts after. It feels good when I’m dreaming.” Minjeong says and Jimin nods slightly because she was once there too.

“But you shouldn’t hurt at all.” Jimin frowns and Minjeong shrugs. “I know.”

“Minjeong-ah.” Minjeong says and Jimin is confused as to why she would call her own name.

“Hm?” Jimin blinks.

“I want to hear you say my name like that.” Minjeong asks Jimin and Jimin realises that maybe in Minjeong’s dreams, she calls Minjeong like that, affectionately like the world doesn’t matter and only them two do. Minjeong closes her eyes and a wetness grows in Jimin’s eyes.

“ Minjeong-ah. Minjeong-ah, Minjeong-ah. Minjeong.” Do I call you like that in your dreams, Minjeong? Do I hold you like you’re so warm and fragile? Do I kiss you? Do I kiss you in places only I know in your dreams?  

I want to do that too. 

I want you too. 

It doesn’t matter to Jimin in that moment when she’s lurching forward to place a kiss dangerously close to Minjeong’s ips, above her chin like she had once done when Minjeong was asleep just because she looked so pretty, but this time Minjeong is awake.

…. 

. 

The weight and gravity of her choice doesn’t come crashing down on her like a ing plane until she mutters something about being drunk and Minjeong leaves her room like a ghost because Jimin’s sure she’s just killed Minjeong. Jimin brings her hands to her face and puffs out soju air and her chest is rising up and down quickly and hot tracking tears are dripping down her face without warning. She’s made a mistake, she’s messed up, how will Minjeong ever want to look her in the eye again? How can I still love Minjeong after what I’ve done? 

Jimin cries her soul out into her tear stained comforter, pillow and sheets— and some time later in the night, small arms wrap around her and she doesn’t figure it out or even thinks about it the next morning when she finds Ningning sleeping beside her, face buried in Jimin’s back.

“Ning-ah?” Jimin speaks with a hoarse voice.

“..unnie?” Ningning stirs awake and Jimin turns around to face her.

“When did you come in here?” Jimin asks.

“Last night.. I heard you.” Ningning says quietly and Jimin’s brows furrowed. Heard me? What was I- oh. I was crying. 

“I didn’t want you to be alone even if you wanted to be alone, so I snuck in while you were crying and I hugged you until you fell asleep.” Ningning speaks so vulnerable, a new surge of tears begin to fall from Jimin’s tired eyes. “U-unnie! I didn’t mean to make you very, I-I-” 

“Thank you, Ning-ah.” Jimin shakes her head and hugs Ningning as tight as she can. Jimin clenches her eyes shut and wishes for everything to go back to normal, to go back to a world where Jimin never fell in love with Minjeong, and a world where Minjeong never fell in love with Jimin too. 

Because Kim Minjeong who tears down all of Yu Jimin’s walls and inhibitions, and leaves her bare and cold, but she won’t be cold under the love of Minjeong’s gaze. She can feel it, she knows it all too well because in the quiet of the night, Jimin pretends the warmth of her own arms around herself is someone warm like the vocalist doors away from her, but she dares not to dream.

When she has to face Minjeong, she paints a face that’ll cover up her love and longing gazes that she knows will work because it is a face she’s worn for the past decade in order to keep Minjeong safe and herself safe too.

Minjeong’s looking back at her with such pained eyes and a smile than won’t connect with her eyes, and Jimin’s hand twitches— wanting to stalk over to Minjeong and hug her until she can’t breathe because Jimin doesn’t like how Minjeong’s looking at her one bit, but she can’t change it because she did this. She did this to herself when she hadn’t painted her face to indifference because she was in her room with Minjeong, and her resolve was torn apart in a matter of seconds because Jimin wants to lay bare in front of Minjeong, her love, but it won’t ever happen, even if Karina allows it.

Minjeong leaves and Jimin lets out a ragged breath as a scream strangles itself in Jimin’s throat. She crumbles down to the cold kitchen floor, and Ningning comes to hold her like she’s a small child. 

“You’re okay, you’re okay. I’m here.” Ningning speaks into her hair, and Jimin cries silently as she shakes her head because, no— Jimin wants Minjeong to be the one holding her and telling her useless reassurances because Minjeong’s words make her weak in the knees so she’ll believe Minjeong’s words and fall prey to love and false hope because after all, Yu Jimin is only a fool in love. 

–

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Jimin’s good at acting, Ningning muses, but Ningning still sees the tired eyes and heavy heart when Jimin tries to get back to normal, making breakfast for girls and smiling warmly. Ningning’s made a habit to check up on Jimin and sleep beside her after piecing together why Jimin had been sad for so long, and why Minjeong had been dreaming. 

Jimin leaves Ningning to sleep as she gets up and enters the kitchen to prepare a simple and nice breakfast. She gets out fruits, ingredients for pancakes, and the equipment she’ll need. She prepares it quietly and her mind drifts away to Minjeong’s face that night she kissed her and she shuts her eyes tightly in an attempt to forget about it. 

“...Are you making breakfast?” Minjeong’s voice yanks her out of her reverie and Jimin’s half a foot in the air with a squeak.

“Minjeong, you scared me!” Karina hisses and sweet Minjeong’s still able to crack a smile.

“Sorry.” Minjeong grins and Jimin shakes her head with amusement.

“I am. Do you want me to sneak extra fruits for you?” Karina asks like things hadn’t changed for them. 

“Maybe a little more strawberries but not too much or else Aeri-unnie will notice.” Minjeong says and Karina giggles, agreeing. “Okay.”

Jimin turns away and her smile falls into her chewing on her bottom lip as she cuts more strawberries and puts them onto Minjeong’s plate. 

“...unnie?” Minjeong speaks up again and the small voice makes Jimin stop at what she’s doing.

“Hm?” Karina turns around.

“Can you…” Minjeong hesitates. “Can you hug me?”

“Hug?” Jimin blinks, her eyes widen for a small fraction, and her heart thumps harshly against her chest. Minjeong nods with a gulp.

“...please.” Jimin falls weak at the knees at Minjeong’s plea. It feels wrong to even consider saying no when Minjeong’s here, in front of her, laid out bare and vulnerable.

Jimin steps over without another word because some instinct kicks in her mind and she notices that Minjeong looks like she won’t tell her the reason for the sudden plea for affection, but no, Jimin won’t question it because Minjeong’s being brave to seek this, even when Jimin’s body shook each step she took to Minjeong. Jimin closes her eyes and brings Minjeong into her arms like how she wished to, but it doesn’t feel right because they’re not in love, they’re in pain and denial— and Jimin’s holding onto Minjeong so tightly because she’s afraid if she lets go and open her eyes, Minjeong will disappear right in front of her, and Jimin can’t fathom that because she’d rather live in a world where they’re in pain and not together because they’ll still be there instead of a world where they’re in love and together. 

Minjeong rests her head on Jimin’s shoulder and it takes all of her— past her breaking point not to take Minjeong there and kiss her senseless because it’s all too intimate for Jimin's liking.

Minjeong steps away from the hug first and Jimin’s hand twitches because she hadn’t want to let go so soon, but Minjeong’s eyes are filled to the brim with misery and suffering that Jimin’s caused, so she won’t be selfish and want to hold Minjeong longer.

“...are you okay?” Hesitation trembles in Jimin’s voice when she asks Minjeong because she really wasn’t thinking and wanted to hit herself over the head for asking such a question when she knows Minjeong isn’t okay after all Jimin’s done to her.  

But, god — Minjeong smiles and Jimin wants to fall at her knees and beg Minjeong to forgive her because she can’t pretend she can’t see the tears b in Minjeong’s eyes, but she has to because she is Karina from Aespa. She is a leader to Aeri, to Ningning, and to Minjeong. She is not Yu Jimin who will want to love Minjeong with all of her because no one has warranted Jimin to love someone more than her family except Minjeong.

Kim Minjeong— who dreams of being in love with Jimin, where they hold hands, steal open glances, and kiss with fervour, but Jimin does not dream. 

Yu Jimin does not dream, doesn't dare to because she prefers stolen glances wide awake, where she’ll look over and count each individual eyelash of Minjeong’s because how can her set of eyelashes be so beautiful and frame her face so nicely? Such pretty doe eyes that Jimin fell deep right into on the night in 2020 in that practice room, where she took Minjeong home and tucked her in warmly with a promise to always have each other in hopes of reaching a dream together, but they haven't had each really at all figuratively and physically because Minjeong won’t look her in the eye, and Jimin can’t do it either  because Karina Yu does not love, does not dare to because of the world and the cruel hands of the world, but Yu Jimin will love with her whole heart because Minjeong is not the world, she is only sweet, caring, and warm Minjeong who has gentle hands full love to give, but Jimin will not receive it– no, she will not because she is Yu Karina for the time being… and for however long because she won’t want to be selfish. Not in this life where she is a leader of a rising girl group, and not since she has met Kim Minjeong.

Because she loves, loves, loves Kim Minjeong with all her being in her quiet dorm room because there— she is Jimin who fell in love with Minjeong all those years ago, and not Karina who looks upon thousands on stage and wishes she could only be looking upon Minjeong’s whole being, alone.

“I’m okay.”

Liar .

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