Minjeong’s developed a bad habit recently. She really really can’t help it because it’s all of her dreams come true, even if it’s a habit.

Aeri’s also noticed when she’s at the dorm and she peers into Minjeong’s room to find her curled up in her bed with her blanket draped atop her gently. She looks tranquil, at peace and happy, but Aeri knows she isn’t happy. She shouldn’t be happy like that— it isn’t healthy. Because when Minjeong wakes up and Aeri’s still there looking through the ajar door, Minjeong’s eyes are blank and she just doesn’t look so happy as she did asleep. She looks so tired even though she did just sleep for hours.

Aeri asks her about it one day in the dorm when she comes home late from a shooting. Aeri’s just got back to the dorm, and Minjeong’s just stepped out of her room with mussed hair and throat dry wanting water. Minjeong looks over once and nods her head in Aeri’s direction. She wordlessly stalks over to the fridge and brings out a chilled water bottle. Aeri watches Minjeong quietly and just stares— wanting to say something, so she does after a quiet while.

“You’ve been sleeping a lot lately.” Aeri starts off without any tonal change. Just a statement, and Minjeong smiles wide and Aeri is a little surprised by it.

“Yep. It’s been amazing.” Minjeong says and Aeri swallows and smiles too.

“Have you been dreaming?” She tries to keep her smile.

“Here and there.” Minjeong’s words are vague and it doesn’t make Aeri’s heart feel any lighter. “You should go to bed. It’s late.” Minjeong can see Aeri thinking and she cuts her off before she gets asked something she doesn’t want to answer.

“Okay.” Aeri watches Minjeong until she’s back in bed and the door closes completely with a resounding click.

Minjeong doesn’t know when she started dreaming, but maybe these few instances are her remembering instead. Maybe she has deluded herself so far, she just can’t help but remember and want so much more. The first dream she could recall was weird. It made her feel weird. Minjeong was just standing in a field of spring flowers and there's a figure out in front of her– metres away and Minjeong has poor eyesight and she can only make out the long flowing jet black hair and backside in a white dress as the wind begins to pick up. There’s something about the figure that makes her want to run up and hold them tightly— like it’d be warm and safe.

The wind blows hard enough and jolts Minjeong awake before she can make out a face. She’s so warm and feels so dry. Minjeong gets up and goes to the kitchen to get a drink. She heads to the fridge and as she walks into the kitchen, she passes by their leader— who smiles as she releases her hair from being up in a claw clip all day before retreating back into her room. Minjeong watches Karina close the door and as she takes a sip from the water, she feels as if it makes even drier because she makes a revelation. Karina’s hair is the same colour and length as the girl in Minjeong’s dream.

Minjeong doesn’t know what it means at that point.

The next time she has another dream, it’s after a group schedule and she’s back in the van for the drive back to the dorm. Ningning’s knocked out in the back, Aeri’s listening to music, and Karina is staring out of the window forlornly with her hair in her tight claw clip style being the only thing Minjeong can see. Minjeong wants to reach out to hold Jimin’s hand warmly, and ask her what is on her mind, but she won’t because there are far too many eyes in the car for her to be vulnerable because then holding Jimin’s hand will have to mean something for her to accept, and the others will need to know too, so instead she does not say a single word to Karina. She simply turns around to her window and drifts off into a light sleep. 

A sleep where she’s no longer in a flower field, but she’s in a house. A small house that seems worn down by love and warmth, and Minjeong in her dream has just walked down the stairs to a beautiful aroma of something cooking. She wants to voice out, mom? But her mom isn’t quiet when she cooks, and she only knows one other person who cooks in such silence. She walks down the stairs and there’s a mirror on the side of the wall. Minjeong sees herself, and in all her glory is her bedhead and dressed in a hoodie. A hoodie that isn’t hers.

She walks down the kitchen and almost instinctively, she makes a right towards the kitchen. At the stove, a back is turned to her and it all just feels so warm. Minjeong’s throat feels dry when she swallows, but maybe because she’s just woken up in this dream. She walks towards the figure with their back facing her, and this time she’s sure— she is sure that she knows this person. The long loose jet black hair, the height, the stance— everything is too familiar and it doesn’t make her feel so warm anymore. She feels afraid of what it means— it makes her nauseous.

“Minjeong-ah? Have you woken up?” Before the figure turns around, she blinks awake and their leader, Karina, is shaking her awake gently.

“We’re home, Minjeong.” Karina smiles and Winter gulps nervously at how close Karina was. is so dry, and it’s not good to have it in such condition being a vocalist and all. She nods and clambers out of the car as if she just hadn’t just wanted to throw up in her dream and in real life too a few minutes ago. She follows Karina up until the dorm and Karina turns back with a gentle smile and bids Winter good night. 

“Night, Minjeong. Sleep well.” Karina turns around as she releases her hair from the hair clip and retreats to her room. Minjeong feels the feeling in her stomach again and heads for the bathroom.

It’s not that the thought of being in love with Karina revolts her— it’s not that at all. Minjeong’s just… she’s just not Winter. Winter is icy, steely, bold and brave, but Kim Minjeong is young, naive, small, fragile and nothing close to brave. She will be Winter everywhere to people— out in the open where people don’t really care for what she says, but in her small dorm room, she can be Kim Minjeong who smiles sadly, who stares off at the wall for too long, and who dreams for too long because Minjeong is confined and should stay that way. She shouldn’t be Minjeong because it endangers her to foreign things like love, love, love. Foreign things that will bring her to her knees, where she will break down and beg Yu Jimin to love her like she loves her, but she won’t. She will not because she is Winter to you, to everyone, and first and foremost— to her. 

So having to accept she is and has been in love with Jimin is scary, new, nauseating, and she will pray to the gods and heavens for her feelings to disappear because this love is not a gift for her— no, it’s a godforsaken curse. One she has to endure, one she had been enduring for years because up until now, she has only just decided to acknowledge that she is irrevocably in love with Yu Jimin.

–

–

–

A lack of schedules for the time being meant that Minjeong would be dreaming more. She had even bought melatonin gummies since she was too afraid of taking sleeping pills. She wanted to dream and sleep long, not potentially die in her sleep. She takes two before calling it a day after practising on her guitar and doing absolutely nothing.

This time, she’s in bed and there’s warmth beside her. She blinks awake and her eyes trail up to find Jimin sitting up in bed, reading a book with her glasses perched on the slope of her nose. A noncommittal croak arises from the back of Minjeong’s throat and Jimin realises she’s awake.

“Good morning, my love.” My love, my love, my love — Jimin’s voice tickles her soul and her dazzling smile, soft sleep skin and loose dishevelled hair makes Minjeong feel so loved.

Minjeong smiles as if she had done it over and over.

“Good morning.” Minjeong beams and Jimin leans down to capture a kiss with her long hair tickling Minjeong’s face, but Minjeong cuts it short before their lips meet.

“Mhm, morning breath.” Minjeong shakes her head.

“Hasn’t stopped you before.” Jimin giggles, and my god is it the most soothing melody Minjeong’s ever heard in her life.

“Why’re you looking at me like that?” Jimin smiles and her eyes are so full of mirth, something about it makes Minjeong want to cry.

“Just because.” Minjeong grins.

“Because why?” Jimin had abandoned her book and glasses by then to instead lean over Minjeong completely with hands on both sides of the younger woman to trap her in the warm comforter.

“ Because I love you .” 

Minjeong wakes up more disorientated this time around and she feels sweaty. She rolls out of bed and desperately needs a cold bottle of water, or maybe a cold shower if she couldn’t reach the kitchen in time. Each step she took felt heavier than the last, and when she made it to the kitchen thankfully , she sculled down three-quarters of the bottle. It made her chest hurt at how fast she drank it as she gripped the side of the kitchen counter to attempt at breathing properly.

“Winter!” Aeri had just come home from her drama shoot and found Winter hunched over the kitchen counter. She ran over to Winter’s side immediately and had a hand on her back. “Win, are you alright?” 

Winter just smiled and shook her head despite the weird feeling of not being able to breathe.

“Fine.. just.. just drank the water too f-fast.” Winter in a hard breath and leaned back up.

“Are you sure you’re okay? You’re sweating.” Aeri sweeped Winter’s bangs to the side of her face.

“Must’ve been warm when I slept.” Winter shrugged. “I’m okay, unnie. I’m fine.”

“Okay.” Aeri was worried to say the least.

“Now run along and get your to bed, we’re gonna wake up everyone else with all your fussing.” Winter grimaces with an eye roll and Aeri backtracks a step.

“Okay.” Aeri nods as she watches Winter enter her room and the door closes with a resounding click.

Click.  

“Wow, you look like .” Ningning comments when Minjeong exits her room.

“Thanks.” Winter smiles sarcastically.
“I mean it.. you look like , unnie… are you.. have you been doing okay?” Ningning speaks quieter as she assesses her unnie who looks like she hasn’t seen sun in over a decade. 

Minjeong sighs loudly and rolls her eyes with a chuckle. “Why does everyone keep asking me that?” 

“You’ve been in your room sleeping a lot.” Ningning doesn’t like confrontation, especially with her members.

“Shouldn’t that be considered a good thing?” Winter asks as she gulps down a cold water bottle.

“It should be if it was six to eight hours.” Ningning states. “You’ve been oversleeping, and that’s just as unhealthy as not sleeping enough.”

“You shouldn’t worry, I’ve been doing fine, Ning.” Winter smiles.

“I worry because I care. We care.” Minjeong pretends she doesn’t hear how Ningning insinuates something on the ‘we’, as if she cannot be selfish and have to think about how everyone feels before herself.

“ Then don’t care. ” Winter says wryly before re-entering her room.

Do you know that saying that you sometimes might not be able to tell if you're dreaming or not? And some people can only tell by small tell signs like not being able to read, not being able to tell time or seeing things they wouldn’t normally see. Right now, Minjeong can’t tell because she’s either sleeping and dreaming or Jimin is standing above her right now. She knows she’s not dreaming because it feels cold and there’s no smile or fleeting touches to wake her up. It’s just Karina, standing at the foot of Minjeong’s bed with her hair up in a claw clip and arms over her chest. 

“What are you doing?” Winter asks, voice groggy.

“You haven’t been yourself lately.” Is the first thing Karina says, and Winter’s just woken up from a dream, so excuse her crankiness.

“Wow, that’s the first thing you say when you wake me up?” Winter chuckles humorously. Karina’s taken aback as she frowns at Winter’s tone. Winter pushes her comforter aside and heads to the kitchen to grab a water bottle. Karina follows close behind, arms still folded.

“I don’t like how you’ve been speaking to us.” Karina stands beside the fridge as Winter cracks open the bottle to take a sip.

“How have I been speaking?” Winter sighs.

“Like you’ve suddenly decided the world isn’t sunshine and rainbows anymore.” Karina scoffs.

“Because it isn’t.” Winter shrugs.

Karina huffs and Winter can see the crease of anger that settles between Karina’s eyebrows.

“It doesn’t mean you have to treat everyone else around you like they don’t matter anymore. Like we don’t exist anymore.” Karina says.

Winter leans forward and rests her head on her open palms against the kitchen counter. 

“I get that you might be going through something, Minjeong, but you have us. You have me, you can talk to us. You can tell me things, Minjeong.” Karina speaks gently like she’s a kid, and Minjeong doesn’t like it one bit.

I have you? 

Do I at all? 

…I don’t have you like I want to. 

“I know.” Winter sighs into her palms.

And then it’s quiet.

Karina doesn’t know what to say, and Winter doesn’t know what Karina wants out of her.

“...I know I’m not the best leader out there, but I try to be. I want to be there for you all, even if you won’t let me. I don’t want there to be any conflict between the members, it’s not good, especially at this time.” Karina speaks and Winter chuckles humorously.

“Always being the great leader, unnie.” She quips and Karina clenches her jaw.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Karina asks sharply.

“It means nothing…” We mean nothing. There isn’t a ‘we’ because you’re Karina, Aespa’s leader, and I’m Winter from Aespa. We are not Yu Jimin and Kim Minjeong even if we could try. 

“Just apologise to Ning. You were mean to her.” Karina sighs.

“What about me?” Winter doesn’t look up to meet Karina’s eyes. “You were pretty mean to me too. Do I get an apology?” Do I get an apology for how easy and unknowing it was for me to fall in love with you? Do I get an apology for how mean you were not to notice my turmoil when you smiled too prettily? Winter glances up to find Karina’s confused eyes.

Bless her heart. 

She won’t ever know what I mean. 

“What are you talking about, Minjeong?” Karina’s brows are furrowed with worry. Winter just smiles.

“Nothing. Don’t worry about it, I’ll talk to Ning.” She walks past Karina and doesn’t spare another glance. She goes back to her room and climbs straight back into bed because she can talk to Ningning tomorrow morning, but for now, she’ll want to dream to forget.

It's different this time. They’re in high school and Minjeong’s just entered the school library, from what she can see. Students are scattered everywhere on the table and between bookshelves– and there's a peculiar bookshelf no one goes to all the way in the back of the library. It seems that Minjeong’s been there though as her feet take her there immediately. She was right when she thought she had been here before because there in her glory was Yu Jimin leaning up against a bookshelf, waiting.

“I’d never thought you’d be someone to make a lady wait.” Jimin grins and Minjeong smiles.

“Ha, ha. I got held back by our music teacher, something about wanting me to join the music show.” Minjeong says dismissively as she enters Jimin’s arms that wrap around her waist so easily.

“Did you join?” Jimin asked.

“I told her I would think about it.” Minjeong shrugged before leaning forward until Jimin’s back hit the self again. The kiss wasn’t forceful nor rushed. It was gentle and intimate between dusty literature and quietness. Jimin leaned back slightly and Minjeong leaned forward a little– not wanting to let go.

“You should do it.” Jimin tells her. “Anyone would be blessed to hear you sing.” 

“Always flattering me, my love.” Minjeong chuckles and Jimin kisses her this time. Jimin’s arms wrap themselves around Minjeong’s neck and she buries her face away in Minjeong’s neck. 

“It tickles.” Minjeong giggles hushedly.

“It’s not my fault you smell so good.” Jimin kisses the side of Minjeong’s neck and Minjeong releases a shuddered breath.

“Oh yeah, what do I smell like?” Minjeong speaks in a low voice. 

“Like spring.” 

Minjeong’s eyes flutter open and the sun immediately invades her line of sight. Her blinds were open and the window was open slightly. Her blinds were closed before she slept. She sat up and felt her body ache from laying down for too long. She looked around her room and found a pile of neatly folded clothes at the foot of her bed. She gets a waft of floral spring laundry detergent as she moves the clothes to her desk. The door was closed, and the open blinds, sunlight, and folded clothes could only tell her that Karina was in her room in the morning. It made Minjeong feel strange somehow.

She exited her room and spent a good twenty minutes in the bathroom freshening up and as well as staring at herself in the mirror. It’s strange, Minjeong thinks. Even after all the sleep she’s been getting, it looks like her dark circles have worsened. When she comes out of the bathroom, she bumps into Ningning and her first instinct is to grab hold of her wrist.

“Ning-ah.” Winter calls out softly.

“Unnie?” Ningning blinks.

Winter clears and takes a breath.

“I just want to.. apologise… for how I spoke to you yesterday…Sorry.” Winter gulped sheepishly and Ningning smiled softly.

“It’s okay.” Ningning shrugs.

“It was uncool.” Winter says.

“Yeah it was, but at least you apologised. Not many people do that.” Ningning says and Winter chuckles.

“So.. we’re good?” Winter asks.

“Yep.” Ningning nods.

“Okay. Love you, Ning.” Winter calls back out as Ningning heads to her room.

“Love you too, unnie.” Ningning chuckles.

Winter walks into the kitchen, wanting to eat something since she doesn’t remember the last time she ate. 

In the kitchen, she finds Karina at the stove with her back facing towards Minjeong. Karina’s hair is neatly pulled back in a hair clip as she cooks. Minjeong feels a sense of deja vu, but ignores it as she walks into the kitchen.

“Morning, unnie.” Winter greets politely.

“Good morning, Minjeong.” Karina smiles warmly after hearing Ningning and Winter’s exchange.

“What are you making?” Winter asks.

“Kimchi fried rice. Aeri asked for it.” Karina says and Winter nods.

“Where is Aeri-unnie, by the way?” Winter asks.

“She said she wanted to go buy bread.” Karina shrugged and Winter chuckled.

Typical.” Winter shook her head.

It becomes quiet for a little while, but not so uncomfortable because Karina is busy cleaning up the kitchen and plating the food, while Winter places the food on the table and hovers around to see if Karina needs any help.

When Aeri returns, there's a clinking noise in the plastic bag she’s holding and Karina looks unimpressed, while Winter is somehow impressed.

“Aeri, we’re not day drinking.” Karina reprimands the girl, and she can only stand there and grin sheepishly.

“I didn’t buy them for now…” Aeri huffs.

“Liar.” Winter snickers.

“Fine! I just thought y’know.. since we’re all home and we’re not busy, I thought we could hang out like how we used to.” Aeri shrugged and Winter smiled at this sweet creature.

“That’s a pretty nice idea, actually.” Winter nods. She does miss it somehow. When they were younger and still trainees, at night time, they used to sit around the living room couch on the floor and take turns sipping on soju bottles as they talked about everything, nothing and the stuff between. Over the years, their tolerance grew, but the bottles grew less since they didn’t have as much time anymore, but now they do. 

Winter turns to Karina and smiles, and Karina finally relents.

“Fine.. but start later, it’s still too early.” Karina shakes her head and Aeri smiles and hugs both Winter and Karina, and brushes past them to put the bread on the table, and the soju in the fridge.

They do start later indeed, after a game of scissors-paper-rock, Ningning’s cheeks are aflame, Aeri’s feeling sleepy, Karina is giggling, and Winter is enamoured by Karina.

Jimin, Jimin, Jimin. 

How can someone be so beautiful? Minjeong wants to ask the universe. She also wants to ask the universe what the did she do to deserve to fall in love with Jimin. How could the universe do this to her? Curse her to something so tangible and intangible all at once.

They’ve moved to the balcony outside at some point and it’s freezing, but it’s nice in a way. It doesn’t affect Winter as much as it should since she built an indifference for the cold after spending much time in Seoul as trainees. Ningning doesn’t wear many layers either, saying she’s built tolerance from growing up in Harbin. Aeri’s kept on her puffer jacket since she went out to buy the soju earlier, and Karina— small, fragile, pretty Karina is on one of the chairs on the balcony with her teeth chattering and eyes closed. It makes Minjeong want to laugh and cry. 

So delicate. 

Minjeong pops back into the dorm for a second and she brings out a jacket and a blanket too. She silently drapes the jacket to cover Karina’s torso, and she drapes the blanket over Karina’s legs. Karina watches Minjeong’s actions quietly and curiously, but she doesn’t say anything. 

“Thank you, Minjeong.” Karina’s eyes flutter open and close again as she smiles. Minjeong just nods and takes a step back to lean against the balcony beside Ningning.

“You’ve been doing good, Ningning?” Winter asks and Ningning turns to her all red cheeked and dopey smiled.

“Mhmmm.. very good. The weather is nice, isn’t it, unnie?” Ningning leans on her shoulder.

“It is.” Winter agrees.

“..I object.” Aeri pipes up and Winter laughs.

“That’s ‘cause you’re a grandma! You can’t handle the cold, unnie~” Ningning teases and Aeri mutters a curse which elicits a scandalised gasp from Karina.

At some point, the conversation steers from four to three, then two because Karina and Giselle had dozed off and Ningning ran out of dad-jokes to tell, and Winter— well, Winter just is there. Staring for too long, she supposes. It’s a little creepy she must admit— watching Karina sleep like this, but she can’t help it. She just looks so... serene. Like she doesn’t have the weight of the world on her shoulders, just Yu Jimin. Not leader human CG Karina from SM Entertainment’s monster rookie girl group, Aespa— just Yu Jimin from Seoul. Yu Jimin with kind eyes and a gentle smile, one that Minjeong fell in love with.

“...Minjeong?” Ningning’s voice snaps her out of her reverie as she turns back to face her.

“Sorry, what? Did you say something?” Winter shakes her head.

“Yes I did, you dumdum.” Ningning hiccups.

“Sorry.” Winter smiles.

“I asked what you dream about!” Ningning pokes Winter’s forehead. “I wanna know what goes on in your little head when you sleep.” 

“A lot goes on in there.” Winter says.

“Like what?” Ningning asks.
“Dreams.” 

“What do you dream about, Win?” Winter chuckles at the nicknames.

“Love.” 

“Like dreams of being in love with someone?” Ningning asks and Winter nods.

“Yeah.”

“Do I know this ‘someone’?” Ningning leans closer to her and blinks.

“You do.” Winter blames it on the alcohol for her running mouth.

“Can you tell me?” Ningning asks and Winter shakes her head.

“Why not?” Ningning hiccups.

“Because it won’t change anything.” Winter tells her.

“Do you…do you love them so much that.. hmph …you dream of them almost every night?” Ningning mumbles her words. 

“I do.” Winter smiles as she pats Ningning’s head.

“Do they dream of you like you dream of them?” Ningning blinks as her eyes begin to feel heavy.

“No. I doubt it.” Winter chuckles dryly.

“Why do you dream of them, then?” Ningning frowns.

“Because this person doesn’t love me, but in my dreams they do.” Winter tells her.

“That’s.. huh. That’s confusing.” Ningning’s brows are furrowed.

“Yeah… I guess it is for me too.” Winter sighs.

Winter turns back to Karina and finds Karina staring right back at her. Winter’s eyes widen for a fraction and something in her heart constricts because she really didn’t need so many people knowing about her stupid unrequited crush, especially if it is the unrequited crush knowing. She swallows thickly and Karina turns away.

“Let’s get you three to bed.” She speaks.

Aeri stumbles to her own room, insisting that she didn’t need any help because she was taller than them both. Ningning seems to perk up after coming back into the house, suddenly sober and heading to her own room. Karina didn’t protest when Winter led her to her room— gently rucking the older girl into the bed until she was laying flat. 

She was going to leave since the lights were off, and her feet were already directed to the door because something about Karina’s rooms feels too intimate to be allowed in here, but then there’s a hand around her wrist, not as gentle, but firm and fleeting.

“Minjeong-ah.” Karina sits up and pulls Winter back down to sit beside her.

“Unnie?” Winter blinks.

“You need to stop dreaming.” Karina says and usually Karina would never ever in her life be so forward and mindless of her words, but she’s drunk and drunk people do a lot of things they won’t usually do.

“...why?” Winter asks after a beat of silence.

“Because it doesn’t feel good here”, Karina lazily places a hand on her own chest and then brings it to Winter’s chest where her heart should be on the left side. “Right? It hurts.” 

Winter smiles and moves Karina’s hand to the actual left side of her chest, since Karina had it on the right side. Even sober or drunk, her unnie had a terrible sense of direction.

“It only hurts after. It feels good when I’m dreaming.” Winter admits quietly.

“But you shouldn’t hurt at all.” Karina frowns and Winter shrugs. “I know.”

“Minjeong-ah.” Winter says.

“Hm?” Karina blinks.

“I want to hear you say my name like that.” Winter asks Karina. She closes her eyes and basks in this moment the best she can.

“ Minjeong-ah. Minjeong-ah, Minjeong-ah. Minjeong.” Karina says and Winter opens her eyes. 

It’s not the same. 

Suddenly, Karina presses a kiss to the corner of Winter’s mouth— and she doesn’t flinch, she just sits there quietly.

“You.. you should stop dreaming about them.. uh.. huh.. hm. I’m drunk.” Karina mumbles before she slips under the covers and falls asleep.

Winter swallows thickly and she feels that feeling again in the pit of her stomach, but this time she feels it in her head, her chest, her limbs, and her poor soul. It’s gut-wrenching, constricting, wet and cold— the feeling. Winter falls onto her bed, staring right up at the ceiling and tears stream down her cheeks freely. Not a single sound out of her— just open eyes and still body.

If she closes her eyes, she’ll think— and thinking will not do her any good right now because there are a million things she wants to ask, but she doesn’t either because it is terrifying, horrifying and so damn depressing. She wants to think of Jimin in her dreams, but she only remember’s Karina and her stupid sleepy eyes, her stupid smile, her stupid ridiculously long eyelashes, her stupid hair in the claw clip, and the stupid kiss.

Kiss. 

Karina kissed me. 

And it was so close to too, which terrified her because if she moved any further to the side, then their mouths would have met and Minjeong thinks the slight kiss was better than a real one because if she had the real one, she might just die and disappear.

Minjeong shuts her eyes tightly and begs to dream, begs to remember Jimin who laughs with her whole body, who smiles so wide until her eyes form crescents—  Jimin whose kisses are so gentle, full of love and passion, Jimin whose hair tickles Minjeong’s neck, Jimin who loves her back– love, love, love.  

Minjeong hugs her knees to her chest and sobs.

It’s not the same, 

It's not the same— 

It's not the same… 

It’s not the same.   

Winter wakes up the next morning with a throbbing headache. Out of all the dreams she has had, this one was the weirdest. She exits her room and enters to kitchen and finds Karina standing over a pot of soup, and then it dawns on her— no, it crashes down on her like a ing plane because she’s horrified and wants to throw up because the dream she had wasn’t a dream and it was real— too real for her liking. 

She takes a step back and it creaks on the floorboards loudly. Karina turns around and she smiles— smiles like nothing happened yesterday. Winter smiles too, but it barely reaches her eyes.

“Hey, morning.” Karina says. “Sit down, I’ll have hangover soup for you, Aeri and Ning in a bit.” 

“Okay.” Winter’s breathing is unstable and she’s trying so hard to hold it all in.

“Minjeong-ah? Are you alright?” Karina asks and Winter blinks.

“Yeah, um. I’m just thirsty.” Winter excuses.

“Oh, make sure to have water then. We drank a lot yesterday.” Karina says.

Karina smiles and Minjeong looks into her eyes, and looks really far because she wants some remnants of last night to appear on Karina’s face, but Karina’s face remains impassive because she doesn’t remember a goddamn thing, Minjeong realises. 

“Yeah. We did.” Winter says wryly. “I’m gonna head to the bathroom.” 

“Okay.” Karina smiles warmly and Winter turns around and goes into the bathroom. Each step she takes towards the bathroom only feels heavier like the pieces of her life around her have begun to crumble like the sand towers at beaches because the little kids haven’t wet the sand enough. She swings the door open harshly and closes it with less force and she falls to the cold tiles.

Minjeong throws up the contents of yesterday down the toilet bowl.

A burning sensation bubbles in her chest.

–  

–

–

Minjeong’s walking into the dorm and her feet are tired, her eyes are heavy, but she can hold out for a little longer because she’s coming home to see Jimin, and seeing Jimin will make her feel less tired.

The door code beeps and the door creaks as it opens and thumps as it bumps the side of the wall lightly. She kicks off her shoes and the cold room ambience makes her aware her feet are sweaty from the dance practice she’s just come back from. 

She walks into her room and throws her belongings down, and turns to the bathroom and washes her hands and face. She then makes an automatic turn to Jimin’s room.

“Jimin-ah?” Minjeong smiles widely as she enters the room. Her smile only takes less than a second to fall when she finds Jimin on the edge of the bed hunched over in a fit of tears as her long hair dangles over her tall frame.

“Hey, hey, hey - what’s wrong?” Minjeong scrambles to the floor in front of Jimin. Minjeong takes Jimin’s hands away from her face and holds them in her own warm ones. She tucks Jimin's hair off one side so she can see her face in the dim light of the room.

“Why are you crying, Rina?” Minjeong asks gently. Jimin shakes her head as Minjeong kneels and hugs Jimin’s small shaking frame with all her being.

“Please tell me, so I can help you.” Minjeong pleads.

“You can’t… Min - you can’t help this.” Jimin shakes her head in Minjeong’s embrace.

“Why not?” Minjeong asks quietly with a pained expression.

Jimin pulls Minjeong’s arms around her away and brings them in front of her instead as she holds Minjeong’s hands in her cold ones.

“Because we can’t… we can’t keep doing this.” Jimin chokes out and Minjeong feels a cold chill run up her spine.

“What..?” Minjeong blinks.

“They’ll know, they’ll know…” Jimin shakes her head and cries. Minjeong feels her breathing get heavier.

“I- I can fix this, they don’t have to know, Jimin-ah - we can try - we can-” Minjeong shakes her head— refusing.

“I wish you were a boy.”  

Minjeong sits back onto the floor and she realises how cold the hardwood floor is and she feels how tight her shirt is sticking to her, and her hands are clammy and her face is wet, and her chest hurts— her lungs feel small, and she feels small in this big room— this big room where Jimin cries and sits on the edge of the bed and tells her something she has never ever imagined she would ever hear from Jimin or anyone in particular because the words are cruel and contrasts the love they’ve shared for so long because Minjeong knows— Minjeong knows deep in her heart that Jimin wouldn’t love at all if Minjeong was a boy. 

But in her mind, Minjeong knows Jimin is right.

“ Minjeong!”  

Minjeong jolts awake and she can’t breathe like something has settled on her chest for too long like a childhood pet that’s forgotten they've grown big has sat on her chest for too long.

“Wake up!” Minjeong becomes aware that Aeri’s shaking her awake. Minjeong’s eyes dart across her room and she wraps her hands desperately around clumps of her bed sheets and Aeri’s holding her so tight like she might leave and disappear.

I’m here, I’m real. 

This part is real. 

This part is real— Minjeong believes, well she thinks. Aeri’s crying is real and— Aeri’s crying?

“Unnie, why are you crying?” Winter asks as she puts a bit of distance between them. Aeri’s face is round, eyes red from the tears and her smile’s so sad it makes Minjeong feel like she’s done something wrong like once when she disappointed her mother. 

“Minjeong... you’re crying too.” 

That night she didn't dream. She lies on her side— facing the blank wall as she desperately begs to not feel anything, but she feels everything every moment of her life. Aeri had opted to sleep beside her that night because she excused it as missing her dongsaeng, but it’s easy to tell when one of their members was lying. 

Aeri sleeps beside her, an arm draped around Winter’s waist— and Winter pretends she can’t feel the ruffles in her sleep shirt where Aeri had curled a fist around the fabric of her shirt and hadn’t let go like a small child, begging to stay.

She doesn’t know when it starts, or how it does, but her body is racking with tears and it has woken Aeri up.

Alert, Aeri had sat up and assessed the situation to see if Winter was dreaming again, but she was just crying. 

Laying there, in a puddle of her own tears. 

Aeri holds her tightly that night to maybe comfort her, but instead she cries more because a selfish part of her doesn’t want Aeri to be the one holding her— she wants her Jimin.

Her warm Jimin who has gentle touches, kind candy eyes and a dazzling smile that can wash away any pain, any guilt, and any thoughts at all.

But her mind is heavy with thoughts. 

It feels like she’s been in the water too long and as the realisation dawns on her, she’s been thrown out of the water directly onto fresh land where she’s lost sense of herself and won’t be able to walk for who knows how long, but she’ll learn.

She has to learn. 

With a lack of sleep and absence of Aeri’s childlike warmth, Winter stumbles out of her room and into the kitchen where she finds Karina standing busying herself with cutting fruits for breakfast perhaps. Breakfast? Had Minjeong been awake for that long?

“...Are you making breakfast?” Winter asks and Karina jumps and squeaks.

“Minjeong, you scared me!” Karina hisses and Winter’s still able to crack a smile.

“Sorry.” Winter grins and Karina shakes her head with amusement.

“I am. Do you want me to sneak extra fruits for you?” Karina asks with a whisper. 

“Maybe a little more strawberries but not too much or else Aeri will notice.” Winter says and Karina giggles. “Okay.”

Karina, with a smile, busies herself with the fruits and adds a few more strawberry pieces underneath the pancakes on Winter’s plate, away from Aeri’s eyes.

“...unnie?” Winter speaks up again.

“Hm?” Karina turns around after hearing Winter’s uncharacteristically small voice.

“Can you…” Winter hesitates. “Can you hug me?”

“Hug?” Karina blinks and Winter nods with a gulp.

“...please.” Winter doesn’t ask.

Karina steps over without another word because some instinct kicks in her mind and she notices that Winter looks like she won’t tell her the reason for the sudden plea for affection, but no, Karina won’t question it. Karina brings Winter closer and wraps the younger woman into a hug as tight as she can muster because it seems like she needed it.

Minjeong rests her head on Karina’s shoulder and takes a deep breath and the smell of spring flowers invades her senses and makes things a little bit nauseous, but she’ll hold the nausea somewhere else because this somehow also relaxes her if she isn’t thinking of all the pain she’s felt these past moments. 

It’s not the same. 

It’s painfully annoying when Minjeong notices that Karina isn’t as warm as Jimin, but she’s trying hard in her mind to make a connection so she can remember where she is, and who she is, but it is just so gut-wrenchingly different because Karina’s hugs are tight, while Jimin’s are loose and playful, and Karina’s hair stays up high in a bun, while Jimin’s hair tickles her face, her neck, her shoulders, and all her nerves and senses.

Minjeong lets go first and a burning sensation settles in her chest.

Minjeong’s wide awake now— seemingly out of it and no one’s here to help her because she can’t bring herself to look at herself in the mirror too long anymore because she’s afraid she won’t recognise who she’s become in the past few weeks and Aeri doesn’t recognise her either because they don’t understand. Ningning doesn’t understand, and first and foremost, Karina does not understand… but she won’t blame them— she can’t. She can only blame herself because she let herself fall this far, she let herself damage herself to this point because she just wants love, love, love . She wants to be loved like how she is in her dreams, but she can’t. She can’t.  

“...are you okay?” There’s a hesitation in Karina’s soft voice when she asks Minjeong because she really hasn’t known what the younger woman had been up to all this time. Minjeong only smiles and she wants to say;

Because you are Aespa’s leader, you are an unnie to me, to Ningning— a friend to Aeri, and most of all, you are Yu Karina and not my Yu Jimin.  

You do not belong to me. 

You belong to the world and those who are not me because I’ve fallen in love too much, and I dream too much because in my dreams, you love me back.  

I love you, I love you, I love you.  

But she smiles wider and there's an inkling of tears in the corner of her eyes and Karina’s brows furrow.

“I’m okay.”