“I wish I could go outside right now… Look how pretty it is!”

Seungcheol only smiled, nodding at the other’s words. He kept his gaze fixed on the window just ahead of him, the pitter-patter of the rain creating a gentle rhythm. “It is very pretty, but not as-”

“Don’t!” Jeonghan looked at him with a knowing grin. “Nothing cheesy today, please. I’ll only laugh, and my stomach will be in pain.”

“But not as beautiful as you…” Seungcheol said anyway, letting his smile fade into a sincere expression instead. He shifted all his attention to the man in the bed. His fingers reached out to touch the cool metal lining, the stark white sheets, and the translucent tubes and wires surrounding the bed – but he decided against it.

He stopped his hands as he heard no response, not a laugh or a chortle, not a groan or a sigh, nothing at all. The silence that followed was immensely painful. “Are you okay, Hannie? Should I get you some-”

“Cheol-ah, let’s break up.”

Suddenly, the pitter-patter of the raindrops outside was no longer evident to Seungcheol’s ears. He could only hear his own heartbeat, gradually picking up pace, and in the background, he could hear Jeonghan’s voice repeatedly. “What?”

“I think it’s time for you to leave me.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Do you believe in an afterlife? I feel like when people die, their ghosts follow those who are alive, maybe to look over them, protect them, haunt them, and so on. What do you think?”

“I think you need to sleep. I’ll close the curtains so you can rest.” Seungcheol rose from his chair and made his way towards the window. Panicking slightly, he pulled the two pieces of fabrics towards the centre, letting his eyes adjust to the dimmed light.

“Cheol-ah…”

He was frustrated, speechless even, but he wasted no time to return to his seat and pull the chair closer to the elevated bed. He then placed his elbows on each knee, clasping his hands together, resting his chin on his knuckles. He shut his eyes and murmured, “Sleep.”

“Are you not even going to give me some space to let me sleep?”

“No, I’m staying right here. Sleep.” Seungcheol could hear a soft sigh, and it only hurt him even more. He had a thousand questions running through his head, and not a single one came out of his lips. “Sleep.”

“I can’t sleep if you’re just staring at me like that.”

“My eyes are closed.”

“Still.” Jeonghan let out a muffled cough, to which he then cleared his throat and gulped down slowly, his throat suddenly dry. He then looked straight at Seungcheol, who was looking right back at him with worried eyes. “There, you’re staring.”

He heard nothing from the other, so he added: “We aren’t doing anything now, so we might as well just stop seeing each other.”

“I am here to take care of you.”

“Hmm, taking away jobs from the nurses, are you?”

“Hannie, I am not leaving you. I didn’t do anything wrong, and neither did you. Why would you want to break up now? And that too, in this state?” Seungcheol made a gesture with his hands, pointing at the cluster of tubes and clear bags hanging above the bed. “Are you insane?”

“Ah, treating me so badly just before we break up…”, said Jeonghan in a teasing voice as he reached up to feel the gauze around his head. He then lowered his hand at once.

“We’re not breaking up. I’m staying right here with you, and then I’m taking you back home.” It was clear that Seungcheol was adamant, his hands closed into tight fists that he kept firm on his knees. He chewed on his lower lip, holding back a sob. He wasn’t upset with how the other was speaking, no, he was used to Jeonghan’s oddly calm tone of voice. He was just overwhelmed by the suddenness of it all.

“That is precisely why I’m asking you to leave me and go find a Yoon Jeonghan-like person to make you happy again.”

“A Yoon Jeonghan-like person?”

“What? Do you really think you can find anyone like me? Of course, you can’t, but I used to make you so happy, so find someone like me and be happy.”

“You still make me happy, Jeonghan!”

“Aww, honey, we’re sitting in a hospital room with the curtains shut, and you’re listening to me cough every two minutes. I am not making you happy right now.”

Seungcheol scoffed at that, “You being in a hospital doesn’t change who you are. I honestly don’t know what’s gotten into you…”

“Well, let’s see…” Jeonghan cleared his throat, before continuing: “I got into an accident and injured my spine, and now my legs don’t move, and apparently, a virus has gotten into me to give me the wonderful condition of bronchitis.”

“Stop it…”

Jeonghan let out a pained laugh, straining his throat, signalled by the repetitive coughs that came and went for a while. He put one hand to his mouth, while his other hand was mid-air, the palm facing Seungcheol in an attempt to shut him up.

“Why aren’t you fully coughing out the mucus?”

“It’s too much work, r-really.”

Seungcheol sighed heavily, shaking his head at the other’s antics. He then stood up, making his way to the other side of the bed, picking up the small bucket from the carpet just beside Jeonghan. He then forcefully placed it on the other’s stomach, before turning to the side to pour some water from a jug into a tall glass.

“You really are taking away the jobs in this hospital, huh?”, asked Jeonghan in a rather playful tone as he let out a loud cough, spitting into the bucket. He then took a small sip of water; his throat still remained dry.

Silence fell upon them, the only sounds keeping them alive and awake being the quiet rain outside, and the occasional coughing and wincing from Jeonghan. The room was otherwise hushed, comfortable yet tense at the same time – more for one compared to the other.

“Seungcheol-ah, how long have we been together?”

The aforementioned could only sigh, already knowing where this conversation was headed, circling back to the one topic that Jeonghan simply couldn’t let go of, the one topic that Seungcheol hoped to be buried away and never brought up to the surface – but the questions never stopped coming.

“Yah, are you ignoring me now? On my deathbed?”

At that, Seungcheol looked up at a rapid speed. He frowned as he saw the other start laughing. “It’s not funny…”

“It really is. Your neck will snap if you move so quickly!”

Seungcheol wondered if Jeonghan had really lost his mind, saying such heartless, cruel things so easily, with no hesitation at all. He wasn’t upset about the comment about his neck, but he was devastated – although he tried to hide it – to hear the other talk about death so carelessly.

“Four years.”

“Hmm?”, asked Jeonghan as he busied his hands with the metallic rim of the bucket he held. “Oh, right. Four years of us being a sweet, lovey-dovey couple, and now we’re acting like two old souls. Maybe you should dye my hair grey.”

“Jeonghan, I am saying this once again and for the last time too. I am not leaving you. You’re going to get through this, and we’re going to go back home.”

“Did you cancel the tickets to Dubai?”

Seungcheol only grew more concerned, more frustrated. He realised that the other was making no attempt to hear him out, rather ignoring his desperate words instead. He realised that he needed to hear Jeonghan out fully, but he really didn’t want to hear any of it. He couldn’t imagine what he would do, how he would react, what he would say if not the same words again and again.

“Answer me, grandpa.”

Seungcheol nodded, “I cancelled them and got a full refund too. We can pick a different date and make a new plan once you’re ready.”

“Great. I’m ready now.”

“W-What?” Seungcheol had no time for games, but the solemn expression on Jeonghan’s face told him that he wasn’t playing any lame tricks. The realisation only hurt him even more.

Jeonghan nodded excitedly, “I am ready to make a decision!” He then felt his chest tighten, as if his lungs were being squeezed, as if the air in his lungs was being pushed out, so he instinctively leaned forward, the least bothered about the fact that the bucket toppled over and fell to the ground, a sharp clanging sound reverberating. He wheezed, the sound coming out of his throat so faint, so strained, so painful.

“Jeonghan!”

He only pushed Seungcheol away, continuing to gasp for air. He slowly leaned back, putting his arms behind him to quickly put his pillows in place. He then let his body rest, his shoulders and his neck now slightly elevated. With one hand tightly gripping the metallic frame of the bed, he reached towards the small table on the other side, taking the small humidifier and placing it on his legs.

Seungcheol couldn’t just sit and watch, so he stood back up, helping the other put on the humidifier’s mask. He only returned to his seat when he received a sharp glare in response to his actions. “I am trying to help you.”

Jeonghan let his breathing return to a steady state, the rising and lowering of his chest finally normal again. He no longer wheezed for air, so even with the humidifier still on, he added with slow pauses in between: “Do you w-want to end up like me? Put on… Ah… Put on a disposable mask and keep your distance from me…”

Seungcheol debated with himself for a moment, before deciding to pull out the blue mask he had in his pockets. He put it on, but he didn’t move his seat even an inch away from the bed. He wanted to stay next to Jeonghan forever. With the mask finally on, he asked, “What decision were you talking about?”

“I was-”

“You can tell me later if you don’t want to talk now.”

Jeonghan only nodded, slowly taking off his humidifier and keeping it back on the table. He adjusted the settings on the machine to let the moist air circulate through the room at an increased rate. He then looked at Seungcheol with those kind but tired eyes. “Next week, I want you to go to Dubai with a friend of yours. Don’t waste this opportunity.”

“What? No, this trip is for us. We’ll just book flights and hotel rooms later. It’s not an emergency or anything.”

“Seungcheol, don’t shy away from what I’m getting at. You know very well what I am trying to say, but you keep shifting the topic, pretending like you don’t know.”

Of course, Seungcheol knew. But of course, Jeonghan knew that Seungcheol knew. It was always like this, a wild chase of one predicting the other’s thoughts, making amends and doing favours, making and breaking promises, compromises, and everything in between. They had their highs and lows, but they would always reconcile, come to a verdict, a conclusion – which is why it was exhausting how they were not on the same page at that very moment.

Jeonghan said as clearly as he could, “Let’s break up.”

“Why?”

“Because we’re not doing anything anymore. It’s been two weeks since I’ve been admitted to the hospital, and every single day, I try and brush you off, tell you to go home just so you can reduce your worries and relax for a bit.”

Jeonghan paused for a moment, wondering if the other had anything to say, but all he could see were a pair of anticipating eyes and an expression of utter disappointment. He continued, “You then tell me that you’ll stay, so I let you stay, but at this point, it’s getting out of hand.”

“What is getting out of hand?”

There it was; that very low tone of voice, almost like a mumble, but it was filled with pure anger and discontent, not a hint of fear at all, not a hint of weakness – just a strong, powerful question. However, as Jeonghan noticed the teary eyes that looked right back at him, he wondered if Seungcheol actually was scared, even just a little. He wondered if Seungcheol was simply putting up a façade and holding back, even in the dimmed room where his tears probably wouldn’t be visible to the eye.

“What is getting out hand, Jeonghan?” He picked up the fallen bucket, placing it upright on the ground aggressively. “Tell me honestly.”

“Your miserable hope.”

Those three words were all that was needed for Seungcheol to raise his voice just a little: “What?”

“I am sick of seeing you here in this stupid room, so full of hope, expecting and waiting for good news when it’s so awfully clear that I am going to die anytime now, and you-”

“Stop it…”

“-won’t be able to let go of me, and you’ll be absolutely heartbroken. You’re going to go insane, and you’re going to start blocking people out of your life, and you’ll be in a terribly dark space, all because I died. But you need to understand that-”

“Jeonghan, stop.”

“-this dark space that I’m talking about? I will be going there, I will permanently leave people behind, leave you behind, and I am going to make myself feel utterly miserable about it because the accident was my fault. I went over the speed limit, and I wasn’t paying attention to the car on the next lane.”

Jeonghan in a deep breath, still going on and on with his words, “I need you to leave me before it’s too late. I need you to leave me before I die, so that when I look down on earth, I don’t see you in a chaotic mess. I want our relationship to die before I do, so just-”

“Stop it, stop it!” Seungcheol rose to his feet, his eyes wide open, his mask no longer on his face but coiled up tightly within his hand instead. He wore a tormented expression, flared nostrils and teary eyes making him look miserable already. He then put his hands together, his fingers and palms facing each other tightly, before he kneeled next to the bed. “Stop speaking right now, please, Jeonghan!”

The sight of Seungcheol kneeling on the tiled floor and looking up at him with such desperation in his eyes was almost disturbing; it made Jeonghan want to spit into the bucket again, so he simply responded, “Keep your mask on, and maintain distance from me…”

But that was the last straw, it seemed, because Seungcheol no longer appeared calm and under control, at least in his words. The latter tilted his head and dropped his hands onto the bed, his fingers tightly gripping Jeonghan’s wrist and his other hand gently caressing the pale arm. He then retracted his hands, keeping them at his sides as he felt a rush of words coming through.

“What is wrong with you?!? What is up with this ‘distance’ bull?!? I don’t care if I get a flu from you! Do you not understand what I’m trying to say?!?”

Jeonghan only stared, finding a sense of warmth from the way the other touched his wrist and his arm. He said nothing, wanting to hear all that Seungcheol had kept hidden away for who knows how long.

“I’ve spent four years of my life with you, loving you and caring for you, picturing my future with you in it, and you think I’ll just leave you because you say so?!?” Seungcheol then reached into both pockets of his trousers, storing his used mask into one of them and pulling out a small box from the other, tossing it onto the bed, the box landing right on Jeonghan’s legs.

“I was going to propose after you recovered, you dip!”

As if a whirlwind had finally stopped, Seungcheol rose to his feet and returned to the chair that he abandoned a while ago. He leaned forward with his elbows on his knees, burying his face into his hands, muttering incomprehensible words to himself.

Jeonghan couldn’t help the tears that collected at the corners of his eyes. He picked up the maroon box, feeling its velvety texture, before pulling the lid open on its hinge. He let out a pained sigh as he saw two beautiful rings sitting inside, the single stone at the centre of each ring shining so wonderfully, as if mocking him for his vulnerable state.

He slowly picked out one of the rings, sliding it onto his finger, the piece of metal curving around his finger just right. He kept his gaze fixed on the simple yet intricate ring, suddenly taking note of his name carved onto the side. He wondered how long Seungcheol had been planning this for, and he wondered if the other was planning to unveil the grand question that very night when he was on the highway heading back home, the same night of the accident, the same night that led him to this hospital room.

Instantly, it clicked in his head.

“Cheol-ah, you don’t have to feel guilty, okay?”

He realised that what he assumed was exactly right, as he saw Seungcheol burst into tears on the spot. Even within the relatively darkened room, even though the rain outside had gotten wilder, he could still see and hear Seungcheol’s sobs over everything else. It broke him inside to see such a horrible sight.

“The ring is beautiful, I love it, I really do.”

He tried to say anything at this point, all the while paying attention to every cry that the other let out.

“It’s too late now. I’ve made up my mind.”

Seungcheol was running out of tears, no