Today, on a day like this, she says
We should break up and she’s sorry – on our anniversary
Today, I am squeezed between many people
As I hang my head low, I try to avoid them (I hate myself for being this way)

How ironic. This song is so ironic.

Have you forecasted this break-up?

The radio blared Daesung’s solo and I had to press the button to turn it off. The tears that I have been holding back since I decided to break up with Jiyong started to fall freely from my eyes. I let them. It’s been a while since I’ve cried this hard.

I gazed at my left hand, and the ring that I always wore was not there. I gave it back to Jiyong, along with the handkerchief he gave me, back when we were still trainees. The handkerchief and the ring were the things I’ve treasured the most, and I finally gave it back to him. I’m letting go of it, of him, just like the memories we shared together.

Then why do I feel so empty?

Before I left the concert hall, his manager asked me to have a confirmation shot in front of Big Bang’s mural. I was hesitant, because I can already feel myself crumbling down. I don’t want to make a scene in front of so many people, because even though I’m breaking up with Jiyong, I still care for him. A lot.

So I took my place between Taeyang and TOP, and I heard the staff say, “Aigoo! Why don’t you take the picture beside him?”

I smiled in response to their giddy expressions. Smile was the only thing I could do that time, and even that, felt forced. How could you smile wholeheartedly when you’re breaking up with someone dear to you?

I bit my lip as I walked near Jiyong’s face. Even with that ridiculous hairstyle, he has never been so beautiful. That icy cold look made him look like a person from the future, and I seriously loved the concept when I first saw it. But now, it means something else to me.

Cold Jiyong. I guess even my love can’t thaw that frost that has covered you.

I posed beside his face, but my back was turned against him. The staff told me to face him, but I refused. I can’t face him, because if I do, I’ll make a mess of myself. They took the picture and gave it to me so I could place it on my Me2day account. They still think that Jiyong and I are still a couple and it was just appropriate for me, as his girlfriend, to do such.

Wrong. You’re all wrong.

After the rest of the staff scattered, I approached Jiyong’s manager and handed him the handkerchief, the note, and the ring. He gave me a puzzled look when I told him to give it to Jiyong.

“Why don’t you just wait and hand it to him yourself? What is this anyway?” he asked.

I smiled sadly and said, “I’ve got to catch up with the girls.”

Liar. The rest of 2NE1 have already left the venue, but we weren’t supposed to see each other until tomorrow. “He’ll know what that means,” I continued. I left after he nodded and headed to my car. And that’s when I started to cry.

As I drove away from the concert venue, I kept glancing on my phone, hoping he’ll call or text me about it. I waited for a sound.

Just one call, Jiyong. And I’ll go back.

I’ll take everything I have said.

But my phone didn’t ring.

Fool.

Jiyong doesn’t call you, not even to apologize, whenever you two have a fight.

What makes you think he’ll call now?

And I knew it was time to give up. I don’t want a relationship where it’s me who’s always hurting, who’s always making adjustments, who’s always calling at to make up at the end. Saving this relationship made me feel like chasing the very last train, even when I know it’s too late.

It was just too late. Just like a show that drew its final curtain, our relationship has finally come to an end.

Today, on a day like this, she says
We should break up and she’s sorry – on our anniversary
Today, I am squeezed between many people
As I hang my head low, I try to avoid them (I hate myself for being this way)

How fitting. The words I’ve composed for Daesung’s song was just fitting.

Is it possible I’ve forecasted our break-up?

Every song I composed screamed at my face, as if rubbing it in. I never wanted something like this to happen.

Not this. Not this.

Cameras continue to flicker in the distance, and I pulled out of my trance when my manager dragged me aside and said, “Ya, Jiyongie! What the heck are you doing here?! The press conference will be starting soon!” I finally saw how the fans were already pooling in my direction.

“Hyung…” My lips were starting to tremble and tears escaped my eyes. “I’ve got to call Dara now. Hand me a phone or whatever.”

My manager was looking at me like he saw me for the first time and he said, “No time for that.” He started pulling me inside, to where the rest of Big Bang is.

“You can always call her later. I’m sure she’ll understand.”

No, she won’t. She’s saying goodbye to me. I need to talk to her right now. I nee—

“Besides, that’s what you always do.”

I was stunned by what my manager just said. His words repeatedly rang in my head.

That’s what you always do.

Always do.

Have I always treated Dara like that?

My manager shoved me inside the room where the press conference will be held and once again, I’m blinded by the flashes the cameras made. I took my seat, and answered the questions thrown at me.

I should get out of here.

I could get out of the room if I wanted to, but I chose to stay.

What the hell is wrong with me?

The answer came clear when one of the reporters asked, “What was your inspiration on these songs?”

“I—“ My tears began to fall. Because it finally dawned to me why I chose not to leave the room. I was afraid to call Dara, to go to her, because once  she say it’s over, it would be final. And I’m not ready for that.

The press were quick with their reactions, and snapped a photo of me and my tears. I knew that it would make the evening headlines, but that was not my intention. And everything just became chaotic from that moment.

The managers were trying their very best to control the situation but my tears have already created much damage. Even the other members were already concerned about me. I have never cried in public before.

But what shifted their attention was a journalist’s simple sentence.

“Dara Park just got into a car accident!”

I felt my world go in slow motion. Words were slurred and everything were just blurred. Somehow, my body had its own mind and I found myself outside, running to my car.

I immediately took off, to the hospital where I heard Dara was admitted. I kept on chanting the same sentence over and over again.

Please be alright.

Please be alright.

Please be alright.

The traffic was terrible, and I did what I had to do. I got out of the car and started running. I never ran this much my whole life, but for Dara, I’ll do whatever it takes. In Big Bang videos, it was always me who runs after the girl, but this time, it was for real. I’m running to reach the girl who has made my dreams a reality.

I finally reached the hospital, and saw the 2NE1 girls camped outside the emergency room. I went near them, and as I approached, CL came and hugged me. I hugged her back and asked, “How is she?”

Bom and Minzy started crying after they heard what I asked and CL sobbed. “The accident was pretty ugly, oppa. She’s lost a lot of blood. The doctor said she might not make it.”

Lies.

That’s nothing but lies.

The doctor finally came out and I approached him, waiting for him to say that Dara was okay, and nothing major happened. But he just shook his head, and said his sorry.

Sorry? Shouldn’t I be the one who should say sorry?

I was filled with questions, questions that will never be answered.

What if?

What could have happened if I have done otherwise?

I closed my eyes in despair, and saw her face.

Cute Dara.

Laughing Dara.

Smiling Dara.

Dorky Dara.

Alive Dara.

I just lost her. It was just too late. And just like a show that drew its final curtain, our relationship has finally come to an end.